Sexual Relationships 
Sexual Health 
A few days ago, a friend of mine posted an article on her blog about a time in the past when she went to Las Vegas with some girlfriends to celebrate graduation. During this trip, as with many younger people who go, a lot of partying and frolicking with the other sex went on.
The point of her blog entry was not to share those kinds of antics, though. My friend went on to say how one thing led to another at the end of the night, an athlete had taken an interest in her which of course was flattering. She woke up the next morning to be in his hotel room with him laying right next to her and his friend on hte bed opposite to theirs congratulating the athlete on 'getting the hot ginger'. The entry concluded by her saying it took a long time for her to come to terms with what had happened. That she had been sexually assaulted, raped, relived the moment on an almost daily basis between counselling sessions to help her cope. That she didn't remember if she'd said yes or not at any point before she collapsed in bed, completely inebriated. Which, might I add, seems pretty standard for many drunken hook-ups.
The difference? She was in a 5-year long relationship at home. She had been so intoxicated that a recollection of whether she was even asked for yes/no consent was way past retrieving. Knowledge of whether the involved male also regretted their encounter or felt violated by it was unknown.
This story stuck to me a lot as I, too, went through a similar experience. Different in that it was in my home-town with a guy I was dating and actually lost my virginity in that very way. I know what it feels like to go through the self-blame. That you got yourself into the situation. If only you had controlled your alcohol intake and been more rational in your thinking, it never would have happened. Then the doubt of whether it was even assault or just you being stupid and careless, because the state of shock you had been rendered you unable to scream 'no, no!’. He didn't hit you or hurt you in the typically physical way as often shown in Hollywood, didn’t lunge on you while you were walking alone at dark, so how can you even prove or really know the extent to which you were harmed?
You feel used, like a piece of meat. Whether it was a stranger or someone you knew for years who used you as a sexual accessory then threw you out as if you were disposable.
I read the blog entry to my boyfriend yesterday. He's very much aware of what had happened to me years ago, so I suppose I was seeking some support. What I got instead was him saying he can't lay blame on anyone as we only got one side. That essentially the only thing that really could have 'forced' my friend, and by proxy myself and any other women in similar situations is themselves. You could plead 'but I was drunk', which by law dos make an individual’s consent invalid.
But what if the guy was also drunk. Did you rape each other, in that case? If you get into a motor vehicle accident while intoxicated, can you slip out of that by saying 'sorry officer, I've been drinking and was not cognitive able to render my temporary mental state unsuitable' and be granted nothing but a stern warning?
When you look at the situation in that way, obviously not. Yet the emotional pain and almost disgust with oneself following such encounters is very real. Once you've lived through it yourself, it's no longer so black and white. Bringing some truth to the blurred lines.
Did you say no? Did you try to push him off? You did leave with him so that was basically implied consent...
In the end, you ask yourself how you can define what consent even is. Does it need to be verbalized? Is every drunken encounter between a couple legally rape then, with the negation of consent while alcohol is involved? How come nobody every checks in with the usual male participant, who may be victim-blaming just the same for reasons like the societal image of a 'real man' having the sexual prowess of a tiger? Perhaps in some cases, men make sexual advances out of peer pressure with their friends egging them on and them knowing that if they don't 'get with this girl', they'll never live it down.
While making clear-set end points for what constitues consent seems like a good solution, in reality that seems very impractical. Things are getting hot and heavy with you and a partner or perhaps someone new, making out is slowly building up to more when the guy or girl leans back and asks 'but wait! May I have your consent for sex before we continue?' Should they pull out a copy or a legal consent form so it doesn't result in more 'he said, she said'?
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