Sexual Relationships
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My Story: You Don't Have To Be A Victim!

Okay so this isn't easy for me to talk about but it's always on my mind more than usual this time of year. The nightmares come with a vengeance and I pull away from my friends and loved ones. I guess I should begin the story at the beginning.. Instead of burying it like I've done, I think I should be open with it instead.

When I was in middle school I had the unfortunate chance of being chosen by an older student who had a predacious nature. Why was I chosen? I think because I was a loner and I didn't have any friends. I was vulnerable and weak and predators prey on the weak. It started with the harrassment and the bullying but it progressed to something much more horrifying. Stuff that haunts my dreams to this day. Fuck it's so hard to find the words to talk about this subject.. It's like my fingers don't want to type the keys.. To type it out makes it real and in writing instead of just being memories.. Anyway, like I said it started with the bullying but it progressed to the touching. I'm not talking about high five type of touching or anything remotely of the sort.. I'm talking about the feeling me up type of touching. Groping of my thighs and hips and private parts and I was so young and innocent that I didn't quite know what it meant. I just knew that I didn't like it. The touching progressed as the months went by. I was too afraid to tell anyone and some sick and lonely Stockholm syndrome part of me actually got used to the schedule. People who haven't been victims of any kind of assault or molestation don't understand why someone would keep going back to it. They don't understand because they haven't been there. They didn't have those conflicted feelings of someone who is showing you attention for the first time even if it's bad. You almost become accustomed to it. In fact towards the end I would even go to him when beckoned. Mostly fear and resignation at this point.. I even defended him in my mind.

This asshole's name was Lee and he forever changed my life.. I never knew the definition of shame before this event. I never knew what it was like to be afraid and to hate myself completely. I never knew what it was like to be afraid to go to the bathroom or anywhere alone. I was too young to learn what it was like to have regrets and hate going to school everyday. I was too young to know what it was like to feel disgusting and dirty. Sometimes I wouldn't shower for a week in the hopes that he would leave me alone. It didn't work.. There were times when he cornered me or when he called me to him that he would stab me in the thigh with a sharp pencil if I didn't do what he wanted. Nothing really serious but enough to draw blood. I wanted to die every single fucking day I went to school. There were times I came close and I'm so thankful to this day that I didn't go through with any of my dark plans. Honestly, there were a few times I was so fed up and full of rage that I wanted to kill him. I'm glad I didn't go through with those schemes as well.. No matter how sadistic he was, I still don't think he deserves to die. It all finally stopped with him when I had my growth spurt. I guess he stopped being interested in me at that point. A really sick and fucked up part of me 'missed' him. Maybe the coward didn't want to victimize someone who was bigger than him.

I found out several years later that he was in trouble for molesting an underage girl. I felt guilty as hell. If I had gone forward with my situation I could've prevented future ones. If I had just had the courage to notify an adult then maybe I could've stopped a young girl from being scarred mentally. This wracked (racked? save me grammar police) me with more guilt more than I can really convey into words. It still tortures me to this day. I guess I'm writing this take for the people who may be in a similar situation. This haunts me more than going through the experience. I wanted to go to this person and apologize. I wanted to collapse on the ground and tell her how sorry I was that this happened to her.

You may be wondering about the lasting effects this has had on me as a person. Well, I'll tell you and maybe others can empathize with a few of these:

  • I can't be alone with a male stranger because I feel sick to my stomach
  • My life hasn't felt real since this happened. I feel like I'm trapped in a dream and my real life has been over for a while. It's like a thick fog or a haze and I can't live life clearly if that makes sense.
  • I can't orgasm while having sex. I can while I masturbate but as soon as another body is involved I just get terrified and slightly repulsed. I've never enjoyed a sexual experience in my life. I'm not asexual I definitely FEEL sexually towards relationship partners I just don't know how to express it yet.
  • I feel guilty getting close to women or entering into relationships. Why should they have to put up with damaged goods? As the relationships progress I feel more and more guilty. I should at least get sorted out before putting myself out there.
  • I have this neurotic perfectionism. I try to live my life and strive to be what I would've been if this didn't happen to me. Maybe if I change enough the "me" that was molested (I fucking hate that word) would no longer exist and I'd be a new person. I'll be reborn again as the man I was meant to be.
  • I feel like I'm a shell of a personality now. Like I'm that child still stuck in an adult body. It's almost like my mental age hasn't changed much. I'm still as fearful as a child.
  • I really don't know who I am as a person. I act like how I feel people around me want me to act. I don't know how to be myself.
  • I have violent nightmares almost every night. I keep my door locked because if someone touches me while sleeping I get incredibly defensive. My friends once jumped on me while sleeping and I fought them both off without even remembering it. My vision was red and I saw fear in people's eyes for the first time in my life. I hated it. I can't sleep without a light on.
  • Every relationship I've sought out besides my last one has been abusive. I tend to go for really overbearing and controlling women who treat me like shit.
  • I stay away from confrontation. I know that if I did get serious in a fight I may not be able to stop. This idea horrifies me. Violence is something I stay away from at all costs.
  • Part of me wants to move to another country and start over where nobody knew the kid me that went through that. When I leave home I never get homesick. I feel relieved instead.

Beneath all this shit I still believe I'm worthwhile and deserving of love. I still think I'm awesome and an incredible guy. I don't have many insecurities.. Part of me is kind of thankful it happened to me instead of someone else. I know that once I graduate college and can afford to get therapy that I'll be able to move past this. The scars won't completely go away but at least I'll be able to solve some of those issues in the bullets. I'm so thankful to the people who have loved me along the way. I'm not an easy person to love. Clearly I have flaws. Despite what happened to me I think I'm an incredible person. I'm kind and warm hearted and I couldn't hurt a fly. I guess I'm glad at who I've grown into even though I've had a terrible experience. It has helped shape who I am. It will NOT define me going into the future. I will find happiness. I will be capable of being loved. I will be capable of loving others in a healthy way.

You need to always keep in mind that you're worthwhile. I know it isn't easy when you have some of these thoughts warring around in your head. Whether you've been molested, sexually assauted, or raped you need to keep in mind that you are a person with dignity and worth. DON'T LET ANYONE ELSE TAKE YOUR DIGNITY. You weren't asking for it. You aren't disgusting and you aren't weak. You are beautiful just as you are. Seek out therapy. Don't bottle up these events and let them torture you for years. I know it's hard as hell to be vulnerable with this but it will be healthy for you in the long run. Live incandescently and don't be afraid to LOVE. Love is one of the most beautiful things in the world and I don't know where I'd be today without it.

As the tears are flowing towards the end of this I really want to say that I love you all too. If anyone needs help don't be afraid to talk to me. I'll always listen and I'll NEVER judge. This website has always been helpful for me to vent about some issues about my life. I've never allowed myself to be this vulnerable before on here but it already feels good. You're all amazing (well most of you anyway :D )

My Story: You Don't Have To Be A Victim!
1 0

Most Helpful Guy

  • What a powerful story.

    I hate to speak in cliches, as your story is complex and unique to you and who you are, but I have to say: this just goes to show how indomitable the human spirit can be when it desires to achieve goodness. A lot of people would let this kind of thing drag them down -- and understandably so -- but you have showed amazing strength in not letting that happen. I'm genuinely proud of you for that, and I can sense that you're proud of yourself, too. I don't know; I mean, I know this is a terrible story, and I'd never pretend otherwise, but your will to maintain goodness makes me smile. :)

    That said, there were a few other thoughts that crossed my mind:

    -You opening up like this is a beautiful thing, man. While I don't want to take attention off of your situation, I can say that I have also been through a major struggle; thus, I have an idea of how difficult this was for you to express. Just remember: by shining light on your situation you weaken its ability to be a wreak havoc, as saddness and trauma thrive on being left in the dark, swept under the rug.

    -I can understand why you felt guilty about this person's subsequent victims, but please, please, please remind yourself that there is only one guilty party here, and you are not him. Not even close. You didn't do a single thing wrong at any point. Even those seemingly contradictory behaviors (missing him, resigning yourself to the abuse, etc.) are all completely normal. The only "wrong" thing you can do is to not allow yourself to heal.

    -Keep sharing, keep exposing your story to the light. I don't know if your family knows or not, but I would ask you to consider talking to them about it. Start with just a single person who you're close to andn trust, if you can. And like karahiri said, use any resources you can to start healing right away -- school counselors are a potential resource, as are state or county heath care providers. I totally get why you might want to wait until you can speak to someone of your own choosing, but please, just consider and investigate present options. I went through therapy as well, and it can help so, so much, especially if you're open to it, as you are.

    -More than anything else, just keep reminding yourself that you're a good person and you're completely worthy of love and all that it can bring to your life. You can overcome *all* of this stuff. Even though we don't talk on here, I feel like I know you in some way and it's obvious how strong you are.

    • If I could give MH I would give it to this. Thank you bro seriously.. You've said a lot of kind words for someone you've barely talked to. I don't know if I could tell my family but I will definitely tell a counselor or a therapist.

    • You're welcome, and as I said, you are deserving of every bit of praise. I'm just glad that you felt you could share here; I hope that this will make it easier as you continue going forward. Message me any time if there's anything I can ever do. I totally understand about not wanting to tell family just yet. You can get there, though -- just keep taking it one step at a time. :)

    • Thanks again bro. I know I'll get there eventually. The biggest step for me lately was letting it come to the surface after all these years. I can handle anything now.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I feel like I got to know a whole different side of you

    You seemed like this very nice, cool and chill guy, so i couldn't imagine that you ahd been through something like that.

    I now understand better what you mean by you act like what you think people are expect of you.

    I hope that one day you find love, because you certainly do deserve it. I want to ask if you ever told your partners (perhaps this last partner, since the other relationships were abusive, as you said) about what happened. I know it must be tough to expose yourself that much. But if one day you find someone that in your heart you feel is right for you and treats you well, I hope that you can open up about what happened to you, because the right person will understand and their love for you will utlimately heal your wounds.

    I also want to tell you that I admire the fact that you were able to expose yourself here and become vulnerable for the sake of others and also for your sake. Maybe this is one more step forward for you.

    by the way hoping to get to talk to you more from now on, deffinitely.

    • I did tell my last relationship partner but I didn't get into detail and I made it seem like it wasn't a big deal. I'm always worried about appearing weak to people I'm in a relationship with. Thank you for the response. I did this because I want to help people in similar situations.

    • ah I get it It can be difficult to trust someone intirely, especially about something like that I guess it wasn't the right person or wasn't meant to be.

    • Yeah it wasn't meant to be but I'll always be grateful for her for being my first positive relationship experience. It was a HUGE turning point for me. I know I'll be happy in future relationships because of it :)

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What Girls & Guys Said

25 7

  • This was definitely very eye-opening and heartbreaking to read. No one should ever have to experience anything like that. For what it's worth, I think you're a great person and I've always admired you since I've known you on here, but even more so now. I really hope as time goes on and you get help through therapy, that you will be able to heal.

    Having open and honest conversation about tough subjects like this and letting others know that they're not alone is one of the best things anyone can do. I really hope this will help others who may be in a similar situation you were in. Thank you for sharing your story, that takes a lot of courage <3

    • Thank you very much. It's nerve wracking to be so out there with it even if it's on the Internet. I promised myself that I need to push forward through everything bravely and not to hold back anymore.

    • That's definitely a step towards healing though, to be able to talk about it. And you don't have to talk about more than you're comfortable about, just opening up a little bit can help immensely and allow others who may be experiencing the same thing to come forward about it and get the help they need.

    • I really hope so :)

  • It's very hard to open up about traumatic events in one's life. I applaud you for having the courage to do so. I hope letting this out aides in your progression of moving forward and capturing the life experience you deserve to have.

    <3 Thanks for sharing .
    I wish you the best and well on your journey to heal.

    • Thank you and you're welcome :)

  • I'm so very sorry you had to go though that :( I can't even imagine how you deal with something like that. You're very brave for sharing this with everyone, not just because this is a very personal and private thing that's probably very hard to share. But, also because many people think stuff like that can't happen to a guy or they just don't let themselves think that's possible but you were brave enough to show that it can happen to a guy, to anyone and know matter how or who it happens to it's a horrible thing to go through. So, it's very wonderful of you to share your story with everyone. You did a good thing.

    I'm also sorry about your bad dreams. I haven't had anything like what happened to you, happen to me but I was bullied for 3 years in middle school and that left me with horrible dreams where I wake up crying because I was crying in my dream. So, I can't even imagine how bad your dreams must be. Nothing is worse than a bad dream, especially one that's not just a dream.

    Again, I'm sorry you had to go through that and I'm sorry about your bad dreams. You're very selfless person for sharing your story with a bunch of strangers like this and I wish you the best for your future and hope one day this is something that you can put way in the past and it won't hurt so much when you think about it. Best of luck to you :)

    • Thank you very much. I'm used to the dreams now so they don't effect me as much as they used to :)

    • You're very welcome and that's good, I'm glad to hear that but no one should have to get use to having bad dreams.

    • I know. I'm still going to get help to sort myself out.

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  • I dont know if this is 'helpful' but i know more people who have been molested than i do who have not. Speaking of close friends of course, not acquaintances.

    as for the rest i agree with all the wonderfully supportive things everyones else said. and you have insight into what other people who dont get the benefit of a growth spurt go through.

    you always seemed very mature and kind it does not surprise me you experienced trauma nor that you have the courage and humanity to share it :)

    • Thanks Azara :)

  • My dearest, I'm so sorry you went through this 😔 I relate to all of this so much, especially with regards to intimacy and relationship patterns. There are so many long term effects of being abused and is hard to pull yourself away from the trauma. It's especially hard when you can't help but wonder about the "what ifs". I know I still battle with the "what if I'd told someone" and worse... but that will never change.
    I only just started therapy a few months ago and it's soooo helpful. Being honest about your experience to someone, telling your story and your survival, can really just free you.

    We've both got quirks to work out, but I'm so glad to see you have a refreshing perspective on growth and humanity.

    ❤❤❤❤❤

    • Thanks! I've been in therapy through my school for the past couple months and it has been helpful. It's great to hear from you :) ❤️

  • WOW.. It took a lot of courage to put this 'out there' but I know you are far from alone in having these kinds of experiences.

    As a male, you're especially likely to try to 'tough out' these experiences.. girls are taught to at least bring acccusations against such predators, but guys are taught to be too ashamed to take any action, as in your case.

    It's a tragedy for him too. Whatever trauma he went through to make him into a predator like this, it was probably at least as bad as what he did to you.

    Thank you for your courage in publishing this. I think it will help and encourage others to stand up and face their demons and fears.. and maybe to stand up to these bullies before they go on to hurt others.

    What you've done takes a lot more courage than being a soldier, actually.

    • Thanks man. I have wondered what made him into what he was too.. I have way too much empathy though.

    • actually more rapes go uncharges than do. women are taught shame and blame first and fore most. as well as attacked and interrogated when they do come forth. thousands of rape kits go unexamined. i agree with all the things you said in support of him, though:)

  • I'm so sorry you had to go through that as a kid, and the mental/emotional issues it has left you with. But I'm also happy that you're able to indentify and recognize these issues, to the point of being able to fight them. It's a long and tiresome process, but I think that with the help of therapy and good friends, you'll be able to overcome it. It will leave its scars of course, but I think you'll be able to wake up from this "dream". You're very strong for sharing your story. I'll be here if you want to talk, you know that.

    ❤️

    • Thanks lumos. I'm more touched that you remembered <3 You'd be a far better texter than me lol

    • Hahaha it hit me when I was on the tram on my way to school, perfect timing :D

  • You made me tear up.
    First, thank you for opening up. You're incredibly brave for this. And you're incredibly selfless for putting yourself out there and hoping that you can help someone. There are people out there that NEED to read this.
    Life can be so difficult for those not in power. But we have to be hopeful and optimistic and sure of the fact that we're good people who are going to succeed. And all the hurt and fear in the past doesn't define us. And we have bright futures ahead.

    And I regard you as one of top notch people on this site. Since the beginning of my time on GaG, I looked up to you as someone wise, smart, and caring. You're one of the good ones, and I wish you nothing but the best but watch out because the grammar nazis are intense on this site.

    Now, the time has come.

    j4zzh4nd5.files.wordpress.com/.../...azz-hands.gif

    • Thanks vish!
      media3.giphy.com/media/1YfXT6vtAgQKI/giphy.gif
      It wasn't easy but I actually feel a lot better. I think it will be a step for me to get lasting help.

    • And pretty much the entire GaG community loves you :) (I told you, it's totally true) So, we're always here.

    • That's good to know. Thanks again seriously.

  • Man, that's really rough. I'm sincerely very sorry that this happened to you but I admire your strength for opening up about it.

    • Thanks buddy :) I just hope it will help some other people who may be going through some shit like that.

    • Me as well.

  • Man oh man. Where to begin... I was contemplating sending this to your inbox or writing this anon because I hate the topic so much but well you are soo damn brave I just couldn't after you've been so open. I am sitting here so proud of you, someone I don't even know for being so brave. You are an inspiration, my heart pours out with love and support for you man. I would never even ever have had the ladyballs to do something like this. You are so WOW, I'm just in a fit of uncontrollable crying right now.

    Two years ago my dad was murdered at our house and we were on really bad terms before it happened, I mean like warzone (not speaking to each other even) and his wife, my stepmom who has alzheimer's was home with him at the time and had no idea of what happened. I just left the house the night before to go to my mom's and got a call the next day from my aunt that my dad had been found dead in the garage. The police said robbery was the motive, blunt force trauma to the head. In my country, the justice system is basically non existent, so they never found who did it. My stepmother's family came into the house, started taking our stuff, put me and my boyfriend out I'm talking about the same day he was found dead. I was a mess. It turned out they really wanted the property, so they who were nice to me before, turned into devils, slandering my name all over saying I killed my father and it broke me past the point of breaking.

    I stopped eating I just laid in bed at my mom's house and cried for days. I was severely depressed, they didn't allow me to choose anything or contribute anything to his funeral, my half-brother from the UK who I never met came for the funeral and they filled up his head and he shunned me too. I just stood at his coffin and bawled, they did not even care about the fact that he was gone as much as they were studying what they could gain. I didn't have it in me to fight them, I just left them with everything they wanted because I felt it would do me more harm than good to see them turn my stepmother who treated me better than my own mother many times before and even while she was diagnosed. I haven't seen her since.

    Three months after, I was beginning to eat more and stuff and trying to fight the depression so my mom got a job for me with one of her friends. I felt comfortable since I knew one of the workers there since I was a child. We would talk normal, he realized I was sad I guess, and told me he counsels people so if I need to talk he's

    • there, so after a while like two months maybe I started talking to him, realizing I need help and thinking this might be a way to get some. After a while he began to get inappropriate and so I stopped talking to him about personal stuff. One day I had to work late, and it just so happened that he had to drop one of the company's cars in before he left for home. When he got there I got immediately uncomfortable but nothing in me told me he would do what he did. I went to the washroom after he came inside to drop the keys since it was only him and I in the building. And when I got out he was waiting for me.

    • I did not lose my dignity, I pretended it did not happen, did not tell my boyfriend for fear of what he would say, and I moved on. The sad thing is, it happened a second time and I can never get it out of my head, how could I be so fucking stupid. I hate myself a lot, I curse a lot when I'm alone, I curse at the voices in my head replaying it over and over like a sick slow motion movie. I don't trust people generally. I can't begin to explain the effects on me. I fight it and I am bubbly and sunshiny with everyone, and I am still as kind and still as loving, I try not to let this stupid psychotic asshole ruin my life and my relationships with people who have done me nothing wrong. But deep inside it hurts me everyday, and I don't have real friends like every girl except me has a bff but I seemed to have miss the boat. Anyways I totally have a load of respect for you for being so open and honest. I would never ever have posted about this openly otherwise. Even in my daily life I never went

    • to the police or anything even though I know who it is because I just don't have the gall to see people looking at me like a victim... I think I would break to the point of no return, because I see myself as being respected by others, and being an introvert on the inside that means a lot to me. And I never talk about it ever so I can't imagine telling it in detail to any police officer. I would die of embarrassment. Sigh. Thank you so much for this. I never felt so much love and goodwill towards a person I don't know as I do now, towards you :*

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  • Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your story. Being vulnerable like that, especially to a site full of strangers, could not have been easy. Sharing such a personal, powerful story may have helped others out there struggling with what you went through. Maybe you just encouraged them to speak up, let their voices be heard, save others from the torture. It makes me wonder if I should have said more about being bullied when I was younger. It was nothing to the extent of what you dealt with, but I know even I was afraid to say anything with what I was going through. I felt weak and didn't want to "rat" someone out, though she wholeheartedly deserved it.

    Reading this also brought tears to my eyes as I remembered something even more traumatizing in my life. I won't go into details on here, but it was of a sexual nature as well with someone I felt close to and trusted. I trusted him not to hurt me, to make me feel loved and secure. One incident changed that course of my life forever, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be the same after it either. I don't know if what I did was right for him or I in that moment or everything that happened afterward, but it has shaped who I am. I understand that much of what you dealt and are dealing with today.

    Again, thank you for opening up and bringing this issue out into the open. It needs to be discussed more, though I know it isn't easy. I've enjoyed our brief conversations on this site, and I will continue to check out your opinions and myTakes. You're amazing, too. :)

    • Thank you. I'm sorry about what you went through too. My inbox is always open if you want to chat about anything :)

    • Of course. I was going to say you could message me anytime, too. :) I'd love to chat.

    • Cool that's good to know!

  • Wow... You're so brave.

    You will get through this.
    There's nothing I can say that will contribute here.
    Just want to say I support you and hope you get over this in the healthiest way possible.

    If you need any help - not that I know what I'm talking about - I'm here for you.

    38.media.tumblr.com/.../...t6kupp1sn9awno1_500.gif

    P. S. Sorry, a bit of humor in the gif...

    • Thanks. You don't have to apologize for humor. Humor is awesome ;)

    • ^-^ ____

  • Damn that's got to be tough to deal with. Your seriously a really brave person to admit that. I'm also shocked never would have thought something like that would have happened to you from how you look in your profile picture.

    I wish I could be as brave as you but i'm to much of a coward to face my own inner demons.

    I can't imagine what you went through. When a kid tried to bully me in pre-school I clawed him from his neck down to his chest and he bled a lot. Another guy had me pinned up against lockers when i was in 6th grade. Trying to force a kiss on me. I stomped his foot and hurt him pretty badly and got away. Every time I had seen that guy I gave him a death look.

    If i could I would tell you that you should see the psychiatrist I see. He's awesome and is really good at helping out. Plus he's funny and has a big dog you can pet when you see him.

  • I am really sorry that happened to you :( I have a lot of blocked memories but it wasn't over sexual stuff. Just lots of bullying and tons of critism to the point of near suicide.

    There was one thing you said that rang out to me.

    "My life hasn't felt real since this happened. I feel like I'm trapped in a dream and my real life has been over for a while. It's like a thick fog or a haze and I can't live life clearly if that makes sense."

    It makes perfect sense cause I struggle with that too. And somedays I will step on the road near cars cause I just want to wake up.

    Anyways I like the message of your myTake. I hate what happened to you. Am glad she wasn't abusive and I really hope you get better and out of the dream.

    • Thank you very much :) I want to help others just as much as they've helped me on here. It was me giving back as much as learning to be comfortable coming out with it :)

    • I get you. I guess we can all learn how to deal with this. Do you ever randomly feel sorta like depressed/sad? Or like no one cares? I noticed a lot of similarities between our behavioural patterns. I always felt alone about my "issues" so its surprising to find someone similar. And I am sure you have helped lots of others with this take.

    • I mean.. everyone feels depressed sometimes but I try to stay active and hang with people and enjoy hobbies. I focus on school. Staying active definitely helps with depression and sadness.

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  • So so so so brave for expressing this. I know this is not easy for you... but I am so glad you posted it. It means a lot to me am I identified with a lot of your post. Even missing them...

    You can do it, you are right you do not have to be the victim and you are not one.
    You my friend are a survivor. Stay strong and message me if you ever have no one to turn to.

    • Thanks. This was more about drawing attention to other people instead of myself though :)

    • Hm, well you probably accomplished that as well

  • I was molested by a stranger who told me "I am your Father's friend," while I was playing outside.

    I go outside with my younger brother and sister whenever they want to go out and play. And Redthread, a big internet hug for you, you are so brave for writing this. Thank you.
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  • thank you so much for sharing your story with all of us. i can't imagine the guts it took to put all of this down in words... let alone let others read it. what was done to you is atrocious and i hope that man never has a moment of peace for the rest of his life.

    i just want you to know that you don't have to wait to speak to a therapist. your school should have a health and wellness center. please go... i am so glad that you know your worth and that you deserve love. of course you do. i am also really glad that you have not allowed this to define you. you are proof of how resilient all of us can be. keep doing what you're doing. this is your truth. it's scary, it's sad, and it's been destructive. but you're an amazing person and i know if anyone can make something good come from all of this, it's you. keep trying, keep thinking positive, keep being honest with yourself about yourself.

    you don't have to worry about doing good things. you have already done something incredible for all of us. *hugs*

    • Wow thank you so much seriously. It really does mean a lot. I'm still working up the courage to see a therapist. I feel like I'd break down talking about it. Sharing this has been a first step for me. I definitely do need to get help though. I really appreciate you answering this.

    • thank -you-. and honestly... i can't think of a more natural reaction when discussing something like this. expressing how you feel about this, however that may be, is your right. therapists are there to listen, not judge. regardless, you really have taken a huge step by sharing your story... onwards and upwards, red :]

    • I know and I will definitely work up to it. Yes I will always move on up. Moving on up! Moving on up! To the top! Moving on up! I I think that's a song.. :/ haha

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  • Wow. Words can't even describe how much reading this made my heart break. This is one topic that really really hits me in the heart because I have children of my own and I just can't imagine if they ever went through anything like that. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that and you are extremely brave in coming out and talking about it and I hope more people are like you and will come forward and share their stories and know that you and them are always always worth something , no matter what. Don't EVER sell yourself short and think you're not. I've always thought you are one of the most chill guys here and I like reading your questions and responses and once again my heart just breaks for you and anyone else that has had to go through this. 😞💔. Im here if you ever need anything or a friend or a listening ear. My inbox is always open to you. I hope you can get therapy you want and need and I hope you have good friends that can help you out too in this process. I wish you the best and know that you are an amazing person ❤️

    • Thanks Kris. It wasn't easy but if I can raise awareness and help someone then that's what matters. <3

  • Wow. I didn't know about any of this. Thank you for sharing.

    • You're welcome.

  • I'm so sorry you had to go through that as a kid
    Im teary now :'(
    I had very bad childhood too

    • Thanks Nina. I'm sorry that you experienced hard times in your childhood too. I'm here for you if you need to talk :)

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