Sexual Relationships
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Why I wish I hadn't waited until marriage to have sex

I never made a deliberate decision to wait until marriage to have sex. It was something that I was expected to do. I owed it to my parents (who would be disappointed if I broke the law of chastity), my church leaders (if I committed fornication I would have to confess, which was embarrassing even to think about), and my hypothetical future husband, who would also be saving himself for marriage.

That being said, I still made a choice. No one forced me to wait. I don’t blame my parents, my religion, or my husband for the situation that I’m in now. But I do wish that I had considered not waiting. Here’s why.

Why I wish I hadn't waited until marriage to have sex

Abstaining from sex can lead to guilt and sexual anxiety

When my husband and I decided to get married, we never imagined that sex would be difficult for us. We were attracted to each other. We were young. We were healthy. Besides, we loved each other. A lot.

But our honeymoon was less than idyllic. Nothing could have prepared me for his reaction to the “green light” we’d been waiting for. He was paralyzed with what I can only describe as stage fright. Terrified of hurting me (after a painful first encounter) and haunted by imaginary inadequacies, he suffered from erectile dysfunction through most of our honeymoon, and for months afterward.

I spent the first year of our marriage trying to coax him into sex. He was comfortable with other modes of genital stimulation, but not intercourse. Intercourse, which was supposed to come naturally to us, almost always ended in miserable failure.

I was frustrated. I had waited so long for sex, and now I was living a life of celibacy—again. I consoled myself with the words of Olaf the snowman: “Love is putting someone else’s needs before yours.” I loved my husband and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. So I kept my dissatisfaction to myself. I even began to feel guilty whenever I desired sex, because I thought I was being selfish.

Why I wish I hadn't waited until marriage to have sex

Sexual compatibility isn’t something you can force.

When my husband’s anxiety finally started to ebb, we had a few months of unhindered intercourse—at last. But I soon discovered that, while I wanted to have sex as often as humanly possible, he did not.

It was then that I learned the extent of his depression. I was aware that he suffered from occasional bouts of depression while we were dating, but I had no idea of the effect that it would have on our sex life. As the months went by his interest in intimacy dwindled away to nothing.

This was something that I could not have foreseen. I encouraged him to try medication. After that, his depression was tolerable. But his sex drive never came back.

I thought it was my fault. I worked feverishly at the gym, trying to “fix” my appearance. I spent tons of money on makeup, eyelash extensions, and lingerie. But nothing helped. He told me I was beautiful and that he loved me. But he always had a reason not to have sex with me. Eventually I realized that it wasn’t because there was something wrong with me. It was because our ideas about sex were worlds apart.

Sex is a VERY important aspect of a healthy marriage.

While mental and emotional compatibility are vital to a loving relationship, sex cannot and should not be left out of the equation. Sexual incompatability can lead to frustration and even abstention from sex altogether. And a celibate marriage leads to resentment, and more often than not, divorce.

I love my husband. But when I married him, I didn’t know him. In deciding not to have sex before I made a lifelong commitment to him, I might as well have married a stranger.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • This is an interesting take, thank you for sharing your experience.

    This is why I think sexual compatibility is so important in a relationship. A lot of people will say that it's not necessary but it really is. It can affect your sex drives and overall sexual satisfaction in the relationship/marriage. Some people will argue that they can talk about their sexual preferences with their partner before marriage and that's fine but in my honest opinion, I don't see how someone can TRULY know whether or not they like something if they've never done it or experienced sex.

    Of course sex isn't everything and it's certainly not my main focus or priority in a relationship, but it is definitely important for a healthy long-term relationship. I've heard a lot of people say they regret not waiting for marriage. Personally speaking, although I'm no longer with the guy I lost my virginity to, I'm okay with that. The experience helped me learn what I like and don't like. So I do not regret having sex before marriage.

    I hope you and your husband will be able to work out your differences or come to some sort of compromise in your sexual relationship. Best of luck to you.

Most Helpful Guy

  • "I love my husband. But when I married him, I didn’t know him. In deciding not to have sex before I made a lifelong commitment to him, I might as well have married a stranger."

    This is exactly the problem.

    Today, no one wants to do the work to really get to know someone before they get into a serious relationship, much less a marriage, and sex is near the top of a long list of items that you need to know, in depth, about a potential life-partner.

    Too many people think "oh, we'll work it out" but they don't realize that, while you might "work out" a small dip in the road, you aren't going to be able to "work out" a Grand Canyon-sized chasm. That chasm might be Religion, it might be Children, it might be Finances, it might be Depression, it might be Lifestyle, and, yes, it might be Sex. But if such a chasm exists, the relationship will be doomed, regardless of how you feel about each other.

    Compatibility is VITAL, and, yes, your sex life is an important part of overall compatibility.

    My thanks to the OP for having the courage to tell the truth about this. It's something that many people don't want to hear.

    • This.

    • I disagree competely.

    • @Xbox720guy Do you want to explain that disagreement?

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  • First of all, I roll my eyes at all the self-proclaimed redneck "Christians" who don't even know how to read Armenian, Byzantine Greek, or Arameic. Heck, even Catholics who don't know how to read or speak Latin. These aren't devout anythings. They're just posers.. going the extra mile to put others down and pretend to be noble, good, "faithful" and "true believers," because if the world really knew what a piece of shit they were on the inside, they would have a nervous fucking breakdown.

    You're a "good" person by actually "being" a "good" person.. to others, which sort of doesn't include things like saying, "If you have sex, then you're a horrible fucking human being you slut, because that's not the Christian way." You might as well blow them up because they're an infadel and non-Belieber. You're not a "good" person just because you "believe" you're a good person, or in the better imaginary friend. It doesn't work that way.

    Anyway, unfortunately sex is a major part of people feeling accepted, loved, and as if they "belong" with the other person. When that's not there, on a regular basis, people start to become aware of that emotional void. This causes issues, and people try to fill that void with something. People have all sorts of ways of coping. Maybe some will simply go seek that out with others. But what if they don't want to feel like a bad person for "cheating"? Then maybe they'll become compulsive spenders, or take it out on their children, or spend all their time at work, or resort to substance abuse, or become resentful towards their partner and build up some other reason/justification for divorce... so that they can be with someone who fills that empty void.

    This problem is only exasterbated when people have essentially "pissed away" ... I'm sorry, "given up" their prime years of enjoying sex and fulfilling that emotional void. But more importantly, people have not developed sexual "communication" skills, both communicating to their partners, as well as feeling comfortable with sex. All those things make a life-long relationship harder than it needs to be, and harder than it already is without the added artificial drama and complexities.

    • Why should christians know Armenian? probably you are Armenian or don't know that Armenian is not necessary at all to be a good Christian. What about Greek and Latin, it is people's choice and you can't judge who is real christian or not through it.

    • @LaFemmeFatale I can judge all I want. You're free to tell me what I can't do, but that doesn't mean I can't do it. I can judge and have my own opinion, and you can have yours. Yours is no more fact that is mine. At the end of the day, they are just opinions. Granted, some are based on self-interest, and others are based on a more objective and less self-interested basis. So, some opinions may be more or less credible than others. But such is the nature of opinions and the search for truth. As someone who does not proclaim to be aspiring to identify himself as a "Christian," nor any other competing religion, my opinion is less prone to the taint of self-interest and self-serving definitions. It would seem to someone like me, then, that for people who pride themselves on being "devout" to following history and tradition so strictly and "religiously," how can one truly pretend to be "devout" yet not fully understand the depth of what they pretend to believe in?

    • @LaFemmeFatale the teachings and written accounts of the teachings of Jesus Christ and the major characters in early "founding" Christian history were uttered (verbally) and accounted (in writing) in Armenian, Arameic, and Byzantine Greek. If one "truly" wants to experience the emotional sensation of identifying as someone who is "close" to "God" or "the message of God," how can they even purport to have a "close" or "accurate" understanding of that communication unless they immerse themselves in the original founding of Christianity's origins? How can they immerse themselves in the origins unless they understand Armenian, Arameic or Byzantine Greek? And then, Latin (and Katharevousa Greek) as Christianity developed, and then Middle English? They cannot. So, they are just posers. It is easier to "pose" and "pretend" to be Christian, rather than go through the effort of actually learning the tools necessary to understand the actual message of Jesus Christ.

  • I just wish people weren't so obsessed with sex.
    Marriage is not about having sex.
    Yes, it's a wonderful thing to have and it helps show your love and everyone needs intimacy... but, seriously, you're not getting enough? Shouldn't what you have be enough?

    The feelings in your relationship are supposed to sustain you. It shouldn't be all about sex, sex, sex.

    The want to have sex all the time fades (for most people). Most couples have really high sex drives in the very beginning and then it dwindles down to maybe once or twice a week, or every other week, or even a month for some. Now, this isn't true of every couple, of course, but it is true of a lot.

    When the sex dies down, which is will, there has to be substance underneath. That's why sex is the lowest priority for me, and that's what waiting for marriage is supposed to teach you... that sex is a "bonus". You should be having intimacy in other ways, through actions and words.

    I'm not saying your wrong for feeling what you do. It's perfectly natural to be dissatisfied when you're not getting enough sex. But you have to look at the bigger picture. If the person you are with is someone that you love with all of your heart, and you're willing to work through everything, sex shouldn't be a deal breaker of any kind.

    • Also you should be understanding of his depression. It really does drain the sex drive right out of him. It's not his fault. Take it from someone who knows.

  • This is pretty lame. It's a shame if this woman feels this way but there's too many stereotypes in this article and about sex.

    • Such as?

    • You're making so many assumptions about virgins and sex that it's unrealistic. There's many couples who are sexuslly compatible and in healthy stable relationshipa and marriages compared to unstable relationshipa where people have been test driving everything out there that they see.

    • I was just sharing my own personal experience. I didn't say anything about anyone else's.

  • Very good take, this raises important points of consideration. While I don't want to step on anyone's religious beliefs or personal morals, I've never really understood this mentality in terms of practicality, for the reasons stated in the take.

    What I always wonder is, what are these couples doing in the meantime, while they're "dating and waiting?" Like do you fool around at all? Are you getting each other off orally or manually before then, or are you just going on dates to the movies and holding hands? Like to me, sex is literally the difference between a friend and a girlfriend. If we aren't having sex or don't have designs on having sex in the near future, we're just friends. I'd have a hard time looking at someone in that way if there's no sexual contact. Like we 100% have to be getting each other off in some way, shape, or form, otherwise I don't think I could develop feelings of true love without that intimacy. Sex doesn't automatically lead to love, but it's a mandatory prerequisite, at least for me. I see so many people around here are on that tip, and again, while I respect your choice, it still blows my rational mind away that so many people are living like this. Like for me, sex is a Top 3 reason to even bother with living. If that's gone, what the fuck else do I have to look forward to in my life, hahaha. Are there other things I could do? Sure. But they aren't anywhere near as fun and fulfilling as fucking, haha. Like i legit would probably off myself if I didn't have that. So yeah, that's kind of a counter-question to any of the GAG Virgin-by-choice Squad: do you guys do ANYTHING with your boyfriends and girlfriends? I'm just trying to wear your shoes for a minute here. I mean, making out and feeling a chick up outside of her shirt got old in junior high, I can't even imagine being limited to that until my 20s or later. Also, not for nothing, when these religious scriptures were written thousands of years ago, people were getting married as soon as they hit puberty and could reproduce. Society has changed a lot, I'm pretty sure you're not even allowed to get married that young, let alone encouraged to.

    To wrap up, again, I mean no disrespect to anyone, but I just don't see the sense. I've slept with a few girls who were TERRIBLE at sex, and it was an issue of natural attitude. If I married those girls and found out on my wedding night, I'd feel fleeced. Ability to get each other off is of A-1 importance, or you'll never be happy.

    • couldn't have said this better myself #UpVote

    • An upvote from Mist is worth the upvote of 1,000 waifus👍

    • I'll send them here #Milord to UpVote this Op for dear life LOL

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  • Great take! Thank you for sharing your experience. My dad is a divorce lawyer and he says that with most of his cases, the one big sign a divorce is coming is when the sex is bad.
    Sex is so important and people often underestimate it.
    In my opinion, I think a person should have sex when he/she feels ready and with a person he/she can trust. Right now I'm exploring my sexuality for the first time with my boyfriend. I'm pretty sure we won't get married later since we're both very young and the though of only having sex with one person kinda frightens me, but I trust him, we have a good time and I wouldn't do my first time with anybody else.

  • Nothing you wrote about has anything to do with not having sex before marriage. You married a guy with depression and anxiety, what did you expect? Sex is not some magical event that transforms people into someone they’re not. If someone has depression and anxiety that is going to affect ALL aspects of their life. Don’t blame your poor choice of a husband on no sex before marriage. You ignored all the warning signs and married him anyway.

    Also, sex itself is not what makes a happy relationship. Sex is just another form of intimacy between two people. Your husband’s depression and anxiety is what is causing him to fear being intimate with you. I can guarantee his fear of intimacy extends beyond just being afraid to have sex with you. You should get him counseling and having him read a few books about self-esteem and self-worth.

    Your problem is your married a guy with low self-esteem, not that you wait until marriage for sex.

    • She could live with the other aspects. She had no idea how it would impact her sex life. If they'd been sexually active before hand she would havr known.

  • While refraining from sex before marriage can certainly work for some, chemistry and compatibility are major components of a relationship. It's unfortunate you had to learn all these things the hard way.

  • That doesn't sound like it has to do with waiting but rather with your perception of sex, for the first part anyway. Awkwardness is inevitable if it extends to a certain point then that is more to do with your perception of sex (ie it beign "wrong" hence feeling of guilt) as for the second part, I suppose the argument can be made but again you would find that in any relationship and it peoples sex drive alters through out their life, so even if they had an equal sex drive to you at the begining that doesn't mean it would stay that way. Plus you mentioned depression which of course does effect sex drive so that could be the issue not the fact that you waited. Then of course you would have to decide if sex was the most important aspect of your relationship or if other things where ie if sex wasn' perfect but the rest of the relationship was would you find that acceptable? I am not against sex before marriage mind you, well as long as its done with thought and within a strong relationship, but I think perhaps you are placing more emphasis on the sex before marriage rather then the real issues. Besides which as you said you married a stranger which seems odd since the purpose of a relationship is to get to know eachother to grow together rather then seperatly. Either way, I hope you find a way to work things out (I would recommend a marriage councilor and maybe a phyciatrist for him if he has negative views about sex or a doctor if its physiological.)

  • odetojoandkatniss.files.wordpress.com/.../...f.gif I personally blame your religion and parents for brainwashing you into the 1800's mindset. Ya know where there wasn't any way to prove who's baby it was nor to prevent an unwanted pregnancy from the very moment that you were born I bet. And this is the price that you paid for "biting" into that OUTDATED ass BS in my mind.

    #PeopleShouldREALLY stop listening to their religion/s and MAKE their own decisions in this day and age ^_^.

  • I'm sure there is more to the story but is sounds as if you are doing everything you can to make him happy but he does not have that same attitude and willingness. Before you have had sex, it is impossible to know what your sexual interests and desires will be when you are with a partner, and if everyone limited themselves to the missionary position on Friday and Saturday night, no one would have a compatibility issue. But that is not the way people are, and people with compatibility problems can work on resolving their problems. . . but only if they are both willing.

    You want to have sex every day and he never wants to have sex. You could agree to have sex twice a week and have him please you by other means (manually, orally, or with toys) twice a week and that would be a reasonable compromise. But. . .

    What he is doing to make your marriage happy?

  • I'm sorry to hear that. :(

    To me I never believed in sex after marriage. Since I have adhd and Asperger's. So a lot of the time I don't know what I'm truly feeling until I've been in that situation. I've had sex with 8 guys since I was 17. None of it was mind blowing but I wouldn't take it back. Thanks to all of those times I learned more about myself. What I liked in a guy and what i didn't. What I felt comfortable with and what I didn't. Now I'm with this amazing guy which is the longest relationship i've ever had. It's a LDR but still he's the only guy i've ever felt so compatible with. Yes i have my own mental issues that come with my disorder. My boyfriend has helped me improve far greater than I ever have in my entire life. he's more logical thinking. I never learned how to think more logical and less emotional. So with him I'm learning and improving.

    So to me it's better to test everything out and learn from your mistakes. Plus only do what you think is right.

  • I agree with most of your points, but I don't think that sex is necessarily NEEDED in healthy relationships. if you have compatible personalities and love one another, you should be just fine with or without sex. Sure, sex is nice, but it's a WANT, not a NEED. I could live healthily and contentedly for the remainder of my life without having sex, as could anyone. Well, maybe they wouldn't live contentedly but it certainly wouldn't affect their physical health. What if your husband was paralyzed in a freak accident and his man parts were unable to work ever again? Would you leave him? My guess is probably not, and if you're considering yes... Well, I won't say what I think of people like that. You get the idea.
    Think of his depression as paralysis. Try to be more understanding of him, perhaps attend marriage counseling.

    • Actually, lack of sex DOES affect health. Hypertension, heart disease, and different mental illness' are all considerably more common in those who are abstinent...

    • Perhaps it wouldn't be if our world had better diets and actually exercised. An already physically healthy person shouldn't be affected.

  • It had nothing to do with your sexual timing. It had everything to do with he fact that he'd been keeping secrets from you that should have come out earlier on. I can understand he was embarrassed to admit to you that he has this problem. But the problem is his, not yours. You need to support him in getting the help he needs, and encourage him not to give up. Let good sex be a potential reward for when he fixes his bigger problem, so that the two of you will finally be capable of being happy enough to have something worth celebrating with sex.

  • WOW... a woman that finally understands. Too bad it was too late. I have been posting exactly what you said for a long time. Why women feel this way and want to wait I just don't understand...

  • Good points, but not waited until marriage also has it's risks, just look at girls who was using and thrown so many times until it's become part of what they are, and almost no one see them as wife material any longer. Anyway I am sorry to hear about your sexual incompatibility with your husband.

    • There is also the middle. having sex only in a commited relationship.

    • I have never done casual but I don't believe in waiting till marriage either. Both to me seem polar extremes of the bell curve.

    • You right that it's the middle, if the girl is sure enough that her boyfriend would not leave her without an good reason and/or right after he get sex, and yes, if there is an great sexual incompatibility it's an good reason.

  • We have sexual urges for a reason. I think we should satisfy those as well as we can.

  • vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/.../latest

    "I love my husband. But when I married him, I didn’t know him. In deciding not to have sex before I made a lifelong commitment to him, I might as well have married a stranger."

    This is the problem right here. Really, you let the lack of sex define what the relationship is. Comparing your husband to a stranger really seems like a contradiction of saying you "love" him. All in all, nothing you wrote here is unheard of and I once again argue that it is you that can't cope with this, not waiting to have sex after marriage.

    • I meant he was a stranger in that aspect of our relationship. Not as a whole.

  • That's why waiting is completely moronic. You have to test drive the car before you buy it. Now you realize your husband is impotent but its too late! And you did it for nothing too--you're not even religious. Its like abstaining from ice cream so that when you get older the ice cream will taste so much better. Nope... Enjoy your lemon car.

  • Sex is a small part of a relationship, but it's effect on a relationship is huge.

    You can love and respect someone and have everything going for you in a relationship, than have it come crashing down around you. Because you are not sexually compatible, or your sex drives are so different.

    You can know someone for years, but you never really get to know someone until you share a home with them.

  • This is something people have been telling you forever and you've just really never cared to listen to, I bet

    • What, that I would regret waiting for marriage? On the contrary, I've spent my entire life being told that I would regret NOT waiting.

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