The problems with the politically correct answers to getting over your girlfriend's past

[kap_nss]

Side note: I talk about girlfriend because this is based in my own experience. But this happens to girls too.

Today, you are the best because she's with you!

The internet is full of guys asking for help about getting over the obsessive thoughts about their girlfriends sexual past. All these help requests are followed by a bunch of typical answers including the judgmental, the politically correct, the nothing really matters and what not. I would like to focus on the politically correct in this take. Because even when they could be helpful sometimes and up to a certain point, they usually include a couple of false arguments.

The politically correct answers usually talk about how much you should care about the present, the fact that your girlfriend is with you now, and since she's with you it's implied you are better than every one else.

That isn't true. Or at least it isn't true always. Your girlfriend could be with you out of interest in your money. To start with a somewhat obvious point. But, let's say we leave all that apart. Even if your girlfriend is with you honestly, that doesn't mean she choose you above every other guy. What if she had a boyfriend she was madly in love with but he rejected her. Or their relationship wasn't possible beacause an external factor. Then she found you and she is in love with you now. But yet you couldn't compete with this one guy.

I know some people will find these statements uncomfortable or even brutal. Thus I want to make it clear: this is not "the truth". But this is a side of the truth that I think is hidden by an uniform speach which is way too politically correct. And then I'm trying to remark the weak points of it. We can't deal with a problem from an unreal point of view.

No one chooses a partner because it's the best in every single category of life. That would be impossible. You choose your girlfriend even when she is not the best at some stuff. Neither does she choose you because you beat every other guy at every possible category. That being said, the fact that she's with you doesn't mean you are better in bed than the guys she's had sex with. You could be, or maybe you are better than some of them. And of course it's possible they all were better than you and yet she chooses you because you are better in many others categories. And knowing this won't help you to get over your insecurities about yourself. Even if you read someone giving you the politically correct answer, you aren't stupid enough as for not realizing the argument fails. Most girls agree they would stay with a guy who isn't the best in bed but they love him, or he is much better in others aspects.

We need deal with this from a realistic point of view. Otherwise is non-sense and it won't work at all. Many times your girlfriend discloses enough information for you to be certain that she's got guys better than you in bed. And she chooses you anyway. If you can't accept that you should consider ending the relationship. Having in mind this could happen again with your next girlfriend. There's no use in trying to believe you are better than them, when you have enough information telling you the opposite.

[Bandit74]

I agree 100%

People will often say things like "she choose you" "you're the one she wants to marry" or like you mentioned "shes with you now".

However a good question is out of her many sexual partners how many of those guys actually wanted to marry her?

If most of them did and SHE was the one turning them down then sure it would be very flattering that you're the first one who said yes.

However if its the reverse where in most of her sexual encounters SHE was in love with them and none of the guys she lusted after wanted to commit to her then its really not that flattering being the guy she wants to marry when you're the first guy who actually wanted to commit to her.

"That being said, the fact that she's with you doesn't mean you are better in bed than the guys she's had sex with."

Exactly, women don't choose to marry a guy because he's the most attractive guy she's ever been with or because he's the best in bed. They often choose him based on stability and reliability. he's the most convenient guy to settle down with now that the wild days of sexual exploration are over and she's finally ready for responsibilities and sacrifices (buying a house and raising kids).

Some might say that oh sex isn't the what makes a marriage and I agree but I still think its very important. Its already hard enough to keep the spark alive in the monotony of marriage and I think its increasingly difficult if you can't say that your spouse is one of the most attractive and sexually fulfilling partners you've been with.

I think girls often have higher standards for sexual attraction for casual sex and often lust after and have more exciting memories with their casual partners than they do with their husbands. They also sleep with you faster if they see you as hookup material vs if they put you in the relationship material category you generally have to wait longer, maybe months.

Because of that I think its best if a girl INITIALLY sees you as hot exciting hookup guy and then wants more afterwards rather than her putting you into the serious relationship category right out of the gate.

Another thing they commonly say to guys who are struggling with their partners past is "just get over it" LOL really? you think they're going to hear that and suddenly become ok with it :D

Its just lazy worthless advice that doesn't even attempt to remedy the situation.

[kap_nss]

I agree with you. The usual advice to this problem is worthless because they think they're talking to guy who's a little worried about this. People who hasn't been through it usually jump into conclusions too fast. —Just stop thinking about it. —Are you kidding me? I can't stop thinking! That's the problem for god's sake.

[Bandit74]

I dont believe the people who say "just get over it" are actually trying to help. They say it condscendingly to put the guy down and get upvotes from other people. Its an ego boosts to them not an attempt to give advice.

[kap_nss]

Good point. Maybe not all of them do that, but at least some do.

[Anonymous]

I agree. Her choosing doesn't necessarily mean you're a Casanova in bed. If you're very insecure about your penis or your performance, no amount of compliments she's going to say is going to make it go away. You're going to be cynic about everything she says, because you don't want to believe her. Insecurity will only go away when you conclude that your worries are unimportant to fret about.

[kap_nss]

I wouldn't use the word cynic. I guess it's more like skeptic. Because it isn't a choice of you but something coming from your subconscious. Insecurities have an anchor on a objective fact, and they grow up out of subjectivity. I have never seen someone insecure about something he/she masters. If you know you beat anyone at tennis, you aren't insecure about that. If you know you are above average penis size, you won't think you are small. But when you are below average you have a fact. After this your partner can swear you "you are the biggest I had". But it will be hard to believe that if she's been with a bunch of guys. If your partners is smart enough she won't say that, instead she will asure you are the one she like the most. You can't argue that. But yet you will feel insecure about your size. And you would probably think she's lying because she chooses you for of other skills you have.

[Opinion Owner]

No, a friend of mine always got the best marks and she always worried that she will get a bad mark, because she hardly studied for it. And no she didn't fake it to be polite, she looked really unhappy and worried. It's in your mind wanting to compete with your ideal image of yourself. Once you let go of it, you'll be a much happier person. I promise.

[kap_nss]

Well, we can't assume from a single case. I'm sure your friend didn't fake it. But then she had a biased view of how she performed. Let's say that can happen to a guy X who is above average, also. He could think he's small but he isn't to the eyes of science. There is a statistical table which says who are above or under average size. Now think of a guy Y who is actually under average and is self conscious about that. Compare these guys. A has a biased vision about him, and is worried about his size. B doesn't have this biased vision, and is worried about his size. These are two different problems.

[Opinion Owner]

So you say. However they have the same mental problem, insecurity. Who are you to decide which one has real problems and to be pitied and which one hasn't and should be smacked out of it? BOTH should work on getting rid of their mental problems.

[kap_nss]

I haven't said anything about pitying or smacking. You must be confused with another comment I guess. Anyway, there is a difference between having a problem and thinking you have a problem. That's the point.

[Opinion Owner]

No. The point is there is no problem unless you make it out to be one. If your girlfriend, the only one that should matter, tells you it doesn't matter or she's happy with you and you still insists it does matter to her or you, it's your mind that has a problem.

[kap_nss]

That would be true if my girlfriend is being honest about it. But she could be saying it doesn't matter just because she is resigns that in favor of other aspects.

[ObscuredBeyond]

I would contest that the erroneous starting point in this is assuming that the prime focus of a relationship should be sex. Especially since performance can be unpredictable and everyone has bad days.

[Berethor]

That's why we almost always need some honest opinions to balance things out. :)

[KawaiiPie67]

I can't orgasm from sex myself, so if a guy can make me cum fast from other stuff (I hate long foreplay, and hard work for guys anyway), or even magically from sex, he'd be better than anyone else I'd have been with.

[kap_nss]

Suppose you find that guy, but then your relationship isn't possible for an external reason and you break up. And later you got a boyfriend and you fall for him. But again, he is like those you had so far. Would you stay with him?

[DizzyAster]

I personally don't care.
Hell, I'd like a girl with some experience. I like to go full on Beast mode!!
I don't need someone worrying about, "if this makes her x" or "am I Y"
Enjoy the D, and make some food, I'm hungry.

I see what you are saying.

[ArtDent]

It's been accepted as completely legitimate for women to ask about prior relationships and why they didn't work out in order for them to look for 'red flags'.

So then it's completely legitimate to ask women about their prior relationships and how long they lasted in order to figure out how much of her life was spent in a relationship v. slutting around.

[kap_nss]

Well, the take is about those having problems once they heard about the past. Is it legitimate to ask your partner about her/his past in order to know who you are with? I guess it is. You need your partner be willing to tell you also. But it is not the point of this take.

[Under_The_Sun]

Do you think there are many people out there that really believe if you are with someone is because you're their first choice? It's an honest question. Because if there are many people, then they grew up believing Disney movies represent how life is.

But just because you watch Superman doesn't mean you're gonna try to fly from your window. Just because you watch Tom and Jerry doesn't mean you're gonna try to smash your little brother with a big hammer and believe everything will be ok. Just because you watch Woody doesn't mean you'll try to make your friend drink gasoline and then light him up.

[Benk111]

Interesting mytake

[Anonymous]

She may not be the best he has been with in bed, either. If relationships could function on sex alone, they'd be much easier.

[kap_nss]

Agree. But many times insecurities and obsessive thoughts in this context happen because the one suffering it has little or none sexual experience compared to his/her partner. I guess usually, if the case is the one you propose, it is easier to overcome.

[Opinion Owner]

But he does have expectations and build up, which sometimes I think is worse in non experienced partners. Relationships, in general, often don't go quite as both people hoped and dealing with that is part of the process.

[kap_nss]

I don't think your partners expectations are concrete enough as a former real-life experience. Think it form the other end: you may have expectations about what sex is going to be like, and then have the real experience. Then you realize difference between reality and imagination. In the other case you have a sexual experience with someone, and then you have sex with another one. Then you realize the difference between the first one and the second one. You don't have idea if your expectations (without experience) where realistic. But if you had a real experience, you can certainly judge the new partner based on the fact that the others were better or worst than this one.

[Opinion Owner]

Oh, I get what you're saying. But there are like, guys who can't stay hard with a woman because they're used to never ending streams of porn and a tight grip, for instance. So there are multiple angles to looking at this. I'm sure, physically only, most people have easier and better orgasms from masturbation, honestly.

[kap_nss]

No. I'm talking about your boyfriend having to deal with the suspicion or certainty that you had a guy in the past who was better than him at sex.

[Opinion Owner]

What's the root fear of it? That she'll leave you? That happens to people who do have great sex sometimes - they break up because they can't get along.

[kap_nss]

I guess it's more about self esteem than fear. It more like jealousy. But I also guess that this is not the same for everyone. Fear to be dumped will be more common at the beginning of the relationship. But that's not the problem for those who go through obsessive thoughts. Think about this: picture your boyfriend having sex with another girl, let's say one you think is hot. You don't like it, right? You just avoid the picture, stop thinking and that's it. Well, inside an obsessive mind those thoughts (pictures) repeat themselves most of the time. Triggered by a variety of things. And there is no way to stop thinking. Is not a matter of will. You are lucky if medicine helps you.

[Opinion Owner]

Ahh, yeah. I get you. I have an anxiety disorder and sometimes my mind will get caught on the some of the weirdest things. Luckily, mind haven't been relationship related, though I barely date anymore because of the trouble.

[kap_nss]

Well, the problem is the same: anxiety. Some people think about their partner's past, other people have thoughts like "If I don't walk avoiding the cracks I will get a terminal disease".