Friends With Benefits: A Contradiction

[cajoi]

By far, the questions that I see asked the most about relationships concern whether or not being Friends With Benefits or FWB is a good idea. Is it good? Is it bad? Well, that depends on your perspective. Having experienced this in my own life, and watched my friends struggle through similar situations...I have to say that nine times out of ten, FWB is not a good idea.

Now, I’m not trying to be a hater on those of you who, by some miracle, manage to make this situation work for you. If you can, then more power to you. Who am I to judge what is appropriate for someone else’s lifestyle? What you do with your sex life doesn’t make you any better or any worse than me.

So, what is the one thing above all else that sabotages the FWB relationship? In this author’s humble opinion, it call an be reduced down to one little word.

Emotion.

The inability to keep emotion out of the Friends With Benefits equation is, without a doubt, the number one reason why these things fail. The FWB relationship, at it’s essence, is about having no-strings-attached. No emotions. No pressure. Just wham, bam, thank you ma’am. Don’t expect an all night cuddle session afterward and don’t expect breakfast in the morning.

At least, that’s how it supposed to go, right?

Quite often though, people tend to blur the lines between friendship and sex. Once this begins, emotion comes into play, and when emotion is introduced---the very fabric of the Friends With Benefits relationship comes apart.

So, why does this happen? Why does emotion always seem to come up in these situations? Why does one person, usually the woman, end up wanting a “real” relationship?

Because it’s never just sex.

Let’s take a look at the word “friend” for a minute. According to Dictionary.com, a friend is "a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard".

That, right there defeats the purpose of a no-strings-attached relationship. You don't become friends with someone because you have no connection to them. You become friends with them because you do connect with them on some level. You have things in common and you support one another.

How can you have a no-strings-attached anything with someone that you already care for? This is not to say that every friendship we have has the potential to turn sexual, but when you introduce sex into an otherwise platonic friendship where there is already some sort of a connection---you run the risk of that bond becoming more intense over time and eventually turning into love.

For at least one person, anyway.

And unfortunately, ladies, that's usually us.

Why? Ton's of reasons that we have all heard over and over. Women are wired differently. Women attach more meaning to sex. Women physiologically respond to sex differently from men. A woman's hormone's wreak havoc with her emotions.

While all these things may be true, what really gets me is that, when the FWB relationship fails because the woman wants more than just sex from the man and she's denied.....the resultant heartbreak and sorrow of the woman is twisted to make her look like she's crazy or unreasonable.

"You knew going in that it was just sex. We're not dating."

But, guys (and gals--I'm just using the male to female model since it's so common) let's be realistic here for a sec. You're sleeping with this chick who also happens to have been a good friend first. So, you do things that friends do. You hang out together, you go to the movies together, you chat on the phone, or message each other on the computer, you gripe to each other about that over bearing boss at work or the parents that are making your life miserable. All the things that friends do, but with one little difference.

You're having sex with your friend in the midst of all this.

Maybe you stayed up chatting about what you wanna do with your life after some late night booty. Maybe you stayed the night even though you really weren't supposed to. I mean, you were just really tired and it was too late to leave. Maybe you woke up and you were accidentally cuddling up next to your friend and you were just so comfy that you didn't want to move. You can't control what you do in your sleep, right? Maybe when you got up you went and made breakfast or brought her back some coffee. You were just being nice, right? How could your friend possibly misread your intentions? You told him/her that you're just friends. Friends who also have sex. There's no way anyone could possibly get the lines crossed here.

Right?

WAKE UP. If you're in a no-strings relationship and you begin to do all the conventional things that people in an exclusive relationship do---Lines will be crossed. Emotions are going to come up. Attachments will be made and eventually someone is going to want more.

While this shouldn't be surprising, people act like they've been blindsided when one person confesses having feelings for the other. "I thought I said this was just a friends with benefits thing". Yeah, you said, but then one person begins behaving contrary to their intentions (knowingly or unknowingly) and the other person began to follow their lead. Is it really that surprising that feelings would develop when two people who initially connected at a platonic level introduce sex into their "friendship"?

No, it's really not.

Because for the majority of people sex comes with emotion and it is increasingly difficult to divide one from the other.

So, the next time you you think about pursuing a FWB relationship with someone that you know really well, consider the fact that the very term itself is a bit of an oxymoron if you're looking for a no-strings-attached sexual relationship. Consider the wisdom of having sex with someone whom you're already connected to by the strings of friendship and all the emotional complications that could come out of it.

Sex without the emotions or expectations of being in a normal relationship sounds like a good idea at first, but, more often than not, it ends up being more complicated and emotionally draining than if you had just decided to date exclusively in the first place.

[Tdieseler]

Not bad, not bad at all. I highly doubt that is 9 out of 10 though. friends with benefits relationships are almost usually stable. my two favorite parts of this article are "Emotion" and "For at least one person, anyway" Truer words haven't been said. I believe if people can learn to keep the friends part and the benefits part separate, things will be golden. also, we all know sex instigates feelings (due to the intimacy), having feelings is normal and not bad but thinking that those feelings constitute to Love is where most make their mistake. and like you rightly said, its usually women that fall for that. A clear definition of terms at the beginning of every friends with benefits relationship, tends to soften the reality later.

[AshleyMD]

That may be true for some people, some people may find it impossible to have a friends with benefits but it doesn't mean it's impossible. It's not a contradiction because you do love your friends to an extent, you just admit that there is future relationship of marriage and a friends with benefits is very different from a bf/gf relationship, bf/gf is much more intimate and lovey dovey, a friends with benefits is much more separate, there's friend time and then there's sex time and the two don't intertwind, but in a bf/gf they do. I have two fwb's and we are buddy buddy when sex is not the topic, when I'm in a relationship it's different, I'm never buddy buddy with a boyfriend I remain intimately close with him.

[Tamikaze]

Oh, and yes, drop the Friends. The focus is on benefits, not friendship. Trust me, once the sex is gone, one person in this deal will have no reason to talk to the other. My definition of a friend is someone who is there for me and I am there for them because we like each other, not because of what they are doing for me. Try this next time you really need help with something, instead of calling your family or friends, call your FWB. Oh, wait, that would be considered strings...hmmmm

[Tamikaze]

FWB is just a new term for something that is as old as dirt, men finding a way to access sex without committing to a relationship. Men and women are wired differently. Most men can truly enjoy a sexual encounter for exactly that, sex. They could even have sex repetitively and "blur the lines" by hanging out, talking, snuggling or even going out, and still not fall in love with that girl. Most women tend to catch a big dose of attachment from sex. For me, I would avoid it like the plague.

[TorshJohansen]

(P5): In the end, don't stay in perpetual "just hanging out" with a guy, nor the same state with a guy who's been a real friend (FWB) -- unless you know you're not That into him and you know he's not That into you...

... OR -- it's LD and you both laugh at the idea of LD Relationships and have never had a crush on each other. That distance will keep things from forming.

[TorshJohansen]

(P4) ... and make it better if you both have a valued friendship to kick things off and have understandable reasons (both lack attraction; one's moving away; etc). Guys will sometimes want to steer it from friends with benefits to Booty Call because they fear the girl's liking him too much. If the girl talks about guys she likes, etc -- which friends can talk about -- then that will alleviate the pressure for said guy. Ya don't want to mess up a friendship.

[TorshJohansen]

(P3) Of course, given that less complicated scenario by cutting out the BS, it still can offer trouble: When one likes the other more than the other likes them. One's on the rebound and likes to explore their options, while the other's not. Etc.

That's where being in the perpetual limbo of "just hanging out" will get ya. But if that's stated as friends with benefits with no expectations for the future? You can avoid hurt feelings bigtime...

[TorshJohansen]

(P2): ... Did that headline mean FWB? No. But funny how that works. Here's the thing. If you're Real Friends... and you're not platonic and you get physical... you're seeing each other. Sorry. That's that.

Now, with that said though -- if left at JUST *FWB* -- it doesn't mean you're Dating. You're specifically saying it's just seeing each other and you'll always (aim to) be friends.

[TorshJohansen]

(P1): There's a difference between friends with benefits and a Booty Call. A Booty Call is someone you know -- but not a real friend. They're just someone you bang. friends with benefits is someone who you hang out with but you're not an item. VERY Different.

I once saw an online Match. com headline "Looking for my best friend and Lover"...

[slickwithit]

I am in the process of ending a "friend With benefits" relationship. I guess I never had one an I was just going wth the flow, all I knew was that he asn't looking for a relationship.....When he told me that I should have said"Well what are you looking for?" But I didn't, I just smiled and said don't worry about that because I was just so mesmorized by him..It was like love at first site, I was so intrigued so interested, he was like nobody I had ever met before. BUT STOP> STOP>STOP

[TheAnswerer]

I think that this is a well-thought and well-written article. I don't necessarily agree with every single thing written here, but I do have to say that you make lots of valid points, so overall, I find this article to be of great value to anyone who is considering a FWB relationship.

People must know what they are going into, and decide only after a great deal of thinking.

[toulouse]

:) Since you say its mostly women getting attached because we are wired differently, would you then say guys can have fwb- with little risk of attachment? Since this article ostensibly speaks to all fwbs,you should refer to all genders equally. Emphasize the nature of the relationship -not gender. To say one gender will get hurt over the other doesn't help the individuals who get hurt who - in this case- are not women. What about same sex friends with benefits or guys who get attached? This could be alienating.

[toulouse]

to announce I to the world., ohh I'm in a FWB, not a rel, not a ons, not dating casually, not getting to know someone casually with a bit of physical. its a fwb,

Its absurd to warn against feeling manipulated by fwb., that's all it is. lies.

if you want to be with someone but can't admit it- fwb.,

if you know you don't like someone but want sex, you know they like u- fwb,.

if you know you both like each other, but are not sure- fwb,

otherwise its friends who f***- relationship.

or just f***ing-Sex.

[toulouse]

most fwb, rel are not about the friendship part, theyre about the rel part,

two friends who have sex, are bf/ girlfriend, or they werent really 'friends' to begin with.

i think the whole term, is retarded.

if you want to have sex, without being in a rel go ahead. but to castegorixe a special relationship as a non relationship, is completely irrational.

fwb, imo, is about people who actually want a rel but are too chicken sh*t to say so. or the people who want to f*** them.

people who just want sex-dont

[toulouse]

idont think anyone really thinks they won't feel anything, they just hope the other person will end up wanting moire.. or they are intersted in someone else so they don't have to worry sabout ths, or they don't really like the person as more than sex. but even with that ull feel things. maybe guilt. maybe boredom, maybe stress, w/e but you'll feel.

desire is a f***ing feeling. there's no way you won't feel anything with sex. ths fwb, argument is really old. let people do what they want.

[toulouse]

You can't do anything without emotion. its absurd to expect you won't have emotions, in any situation.

youll feel stuff, that's life.

the differnce is, if you go into agreeing its just sex, then you don't expect more. that's all. it doesn't mean you can't hang out, it just means no one is obligated to do anything but f***.

theres no reason to complicate it. you have sex. you are not obligated to do anything more than have sex.

for friends who have sex, well, they already had feelings for each otherso its done.

[anon8]

I agree with the last line- why not date exclusively if you're going to be doing everything couples do anyway? I'm in a similar situation and I needed some advice on whether to pursue it or not. I was leaning towards not, and this is one of the things that just confirms it. :) Thanks!

[kayrose]

Wow I agree with this so much, In general FWB is not a good idea, no commitment for the boys & girls are always hurt ... I have friends like that :(

[maryanne45]

A great article,well done.

[opus_damian]

Friends with benefits is just like having an open relationship. It's only for people who are alike. It isn't for everyone. It's for people who like swinging and "sharing". That's why it is important to know your values and limits and especially fundamental to have character so you know to say no and stand by it.

[AshleyMD]

I agree friends with benefits is like an open relationship but I think friends with benefits is less intimate in non sexual momnets then an open relationship though.

[Gregs]

Iv had FwB relationships but only with women who were older and knew that its not like we could get married or something so we just enjoyed ourselves sexually, we still made an emotional connection but at the end of the day had the emotional maturity to let go.

I actually ended up working with a woman who I was sleeping with and she was really cool, we just went back to being friends because I was seeing a girl at the time and I still speak to her and hang out but we don't have sex anymore

[pineappleshortcare]

All of your opinions about sex "meaning something" applies to women and not men. It's "awesome" for men to have sex without emotion, because its easy for them to do and stressful for them to have emotions. They only spend their emotions on "high value" things such as girls they consider just out of reach. Dating is more ego based for men than it is for women, not really emotion based, as it is for women.

[Leonskii]

Yea... go ahead and not group all guys as if we're one and the same. I would date to get to know someone and figure if we have a connection. Guess what? Blam-ing emotion right there.

[pineappleshortcare]

But the driving force behind your drive to get to know her is inevitably based on how attractive she is, especially if she has superior attraction that makes it a challenge. This is catnip to guys.