How My Boyfriend Completely Ruined My Sex Life

How My Boyfriend Ruined My Sex Life

Before you continue to read this myTake, yes, I am going to talk about my sex life and, no, I’m not looking for anyone to tell me to get over it. It’s pretty explicit…and I’m not sure if it will be removed. If it is, so be it. But I write this experience not for anyone’s sexual fantasies. No…I write this only because I can’t hold it in anymore. I can’t keep replaying the events over and over again in my head without anyone knowing. I write this any man who is doing this to his girl and for any girl who is allowing this to be done to them so that they may learn from my mistake. Hopefully, they won’t repeat it.

As some of you already know, my boyfriend of one year ghosted me the last Friday in April. I remember it like it was yesterday. Cliché, but true…

I woke up. 7:34a.m. I looked to my right and saw my boyfriend laying next to me. My tan skin next to his white skin was the first thing I noticed. My little beagle was sitting at the end of the bed on his side. He rolled over…wanted to have sex. Again.

How My Boyfriend Completely Ruined My Sex Life

The previous night came to mind. 10:52p.m. I remembered it vividly. I remember lying on my bed, not making any noises. I remember him cupping my breasts and kissing my neck and feeling nothing. I remember him telling me to give him head. I told him I didn’t want to. He didn’t care. I asked if he would do it back to me. He said no. He said he didn’t want to.

Then I remember him entering me. In and out. I felt nothing. His eyes were closed. He was sweating. I was not. I roll over onto my knees and let him have at it from the back. It seemed like an eternity. I stared at my headboard, waiting for it to finally end, praying God would still love me even though I wasn’t doing the right thing. I heard him gasp loudly and knew he finished. He rolled off, threw the condom on the floor, and asked when I was getting back on birth control. I looked at my phone. 12:17a.m.

How My Boyfriend Completely Ruined My Sex Life

No…I didn’t want to. I didn’t want sex. He couldn’t understand why. I told him because in the year that we were together, I never met his family. He never took me on a date. He never introduced me to his friends. He hardly called me, rarely texted me, and could go days without hearing my voice. He still had his dating profile he created around Christmas that he promised he’d take down over and over again. He didn’t even tell his co-workers that I was black. He must have been ashamed of me. He just wanted sex.

Of course, he swore up and down I was being ridiculous, and that he was done with that argument. It wasn’t the first time I said it. This same conversation has come up at least twice a week since Halloween. We’d have sex two, maybe three times a week, but that wasn’t enough for him. He still thirsted for more. He needed more. Five. Six. Seven, if possible. If he didn't get it, he would tell me to get out. He wouldn't call me. He wouldn't see me. He'd leave in the middle of the night. He even called me a stupid fucking bitch.

I couldn’t do it… But I wanted to. I wanted to please him. I wanted to make him happy. He needed to be happy. If I couldn’t make him happy because maybe, just maybe, if I could finally do it, he’d smile at me. Call me beautiful for the first time. Tell me he loved me. Hold a conversation with me that was about something I was interested in.

How My Boyfriend Completely Ruined My Sex Life

However, it wasn’t to play out that way. He told me I was ridiculous. I told him not everyone needs sex and he told me my answer was uneducated. This man of twenty-seven years who graduated high school by the skin of his teeth told me, a twenty-six year old bachelor degree wielding professional, that my views had no educational basis. He’s a man, he told me. He needs sex.

That’s when I remembered a few weeks earlier before he left on another out of town work trip. He traveled for his job every weekend. I remember checking his okCupid profile to see often he logged in a day. The most I counted was four. And I remember on that day, he showed me a girl on Tinder that messaged him, saying she was cute, telling me he was going to meet her.

Then I’m back in my room. He was putting his jeans on. He told me he was hanging out with some friends tonight so he wouldn’t see me. I wasn’t invited. He asked if I had sent him his resume that I wrote for him. He needed me to do it, he said. I’m an English teacher, albeit, an uneducated one.

I said yes. He put his shoes on, grabbed his things, and left.

How My Boyfriend Completely Ruined My Sex Life

I never saw him again. I texted him a few times over the weekend, and no response. I looked up his okCupid profile, and saw that he added three new pictures and completely updated his ‘About Me’ section.

How My Boyfriend Completely Ruined My Sex Life

It took me a while to realize what he did and when it finally hit, I was mad. I was angry. I was hurt. I threw things. I pulled my hair out. I banged my head against the wall, causing the drywall to crumble to the floor. I tore my apartment to pieces. My dog hid under my bed. What did I do wrong? I didn’t give him sex, I told myself. It’s just sex. Who cares if you never had an orgasm? He didn’t. In fact, he told me that he never tried to give me one. He told me he didn’t care because most women don’t get them.

I looked at the floor, my black hair strands scattered across the beige carpeting. I peered into my T.V.’s screen. My cheeks were red, my eyes puffy, my hair a mess...

Weeks have gone. The sun bowed to the moon over and over again and yet, every time I gaze at the stars through my window, I still find myself asking why. I just want to know why. Why what, you ask? Why wasn’t I good enough? Why was I so embarrassing? Why was he with me? But mostly…

Why didn’t I at least deserve a goodbye?

How My Boyfriend Completely Ruined My Sex Life

I don’t have the answer to this question, and I probably never will. And as I stated before, no, I didn’t share this in an effort to throw a pity party nor do I need anyone to tell me to move on.

I just want everyone to know. I just need people to understand the way you treat someone, especially someone who loves you, can possibly shape their view on others and the world. I wasn’t strong enough to leave. I wasn’t brave enough to demand better. Now I’m not secure enough to be with a man.

I’m living in hell. I want love but can’t accept it. I crave a man’s touch yet gag at the very thought of one even giving me a hug. I yearn for the presence of another and do my best to make sure that other side of my bed is empty.

But I can't. I let my boyfriend ruin my sex life. I allowed him to take and take and take and take from me every night without so much as a peep. I gave him permission to use my body as he saw fit. Now I don't know if I'll ever let another man in.

Don’t make my mistake. Be stronger than me. Treat each other right.

Please.

How My Boyfriend Completely Ruined My Sex Life
22 7

Most Helpful Guy

  • I understand that you're in pain, but you are painting all men with the same brush - and that's unfair to most men and hurtful to YOU - because it will give you an excuse to "go without" a partner and friend because the last guy hurt you.

    From your description, it was easy for any of us to see that he was using you from the beginning - and you LET him - being so in denial and so afraid to be alone that you let this man abuse you when he never made ANY effort to be in a genuine relationship with you. You clearly are aware of that now... but yet you are still effectively blaming ALL men for this one asshole's behavior - which YOU let him get away with.

    Ultimately, that just means that, despite saying the words out loud, you still aren't really admitting to yourself that YOU let it happen.

    There are lots of great guys in this world - and, yes, plenty of assholes too; some worse than your ex - but it is YOUR job to take your time, get to know them, as LOTS of relationship and compatibility questions up-front, and most importantly, to FILTER OUT anyone who clearly isn't compatible with you - no matter how hot he is, how rich he is, how much attention he gives you, or whatever. While attraction is important, compatibility is at least as important, and you were never compatible with this guy AT ALL.

    There are 7 billion people alive on this planet, but out of all of them, there is only ONE person who can protect you and make good life choices for you, and that is YOU. No one else can do it, so if you don't, you will be lost. How your life turns out depends in great part on the choices you make for yourself and the amount of effort you make in educating yourself and protecting yourself.

    I don't know you, but I still want the best for you, so I hope you use this as a lesson NOT to run and hide, but to still take risks - but to take them WISELY and to MANAGE your risk. By not being involved in the decisions of your relationship, you allowed yourself to be used for sex. In the future, you need to be INVOLVED. That is the lesson - NOT hiding in your bedroom never to speak to a man again.

Most Helpful Girl

  • Acknowledgement is way better than being in denial, so i hink you so strong! greta post

    • Great post I meant.

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  • From reading the first third of this, I feel like this is somewhat self-inflicted. Perhaps not inflicted in the sense that you are responsible for the boy treating you like this, but the fact that you seemed fully aware of him doing things that are not ok with you, and generally unacceptable for most women, yet you let it continue.

    If a man were treated like shit by his girl, and he didn't do anything about it, he's be called a little bitch. If a woman were treated like shit by a man, and she didn't do anything about it, she's called a victim. The situation is the same, even though the genders are reversed. I see it as the exact same thing, and if the man/woman does not call the other person out on bad behavior, they are essentially accepting the shit being dished out to them.

    You can't exactly blame him for being a douchebag. There's going to be nice guys, assholes and complete douchebags on this planet. People who care for others, and people who will take advantage of others (thieves) and people who will downright punch you in the face and kick a baby to get ahead in life (murderers). That is simply the range of personalities that humans can be and are outside your control.

    However, what is IN your control is who you CHOOSE. If you CHOOSE him, and you CHOOSE to stay with him based on how he treats you, that's your choice to make. I don't see why you'd keep him around as a "boyfriend" if he has an active dating account. That tells me you were fooling yourself the entire time, and that you knew full well you were nothing more than a friends with benefits, which is supported by the fact you two did not go on dates, and that you were not introduced to his family.

    So at most, you lost a friends with benefits - not a boyfriend.
    Not a big loss. And by the description you gave of him, you're probably better off without him.

    • This was the point in writing this. That's why I say at the end to not make my mistake.

    • Some people are so illiterate. They click someones question and only read the first sentence and add their ignorant comment regarding the situation. Everyone wants their voice to be heard but never take the time to read. I can't say everything is okay because your situation is crucial but it bothers me when people think they know it all.

    • @FlutteringFeelings Exactly.

  • There's a piece of wisdom that helps me think about things like this more positively sometimes. Maybe it'll help you:
    Everything in life is like tuition lessons. You learn something valuable every time, but everything has a fee.

  • Ugh this really hit home for me i went through something similar and it's been a couple months. This guy from the start i didn't realize or i just push i to the side that he was overly sexual from almost day one and that's what he wanted. We were together for months and he never introduced me to any of his friends i never met any family member or anything i didn't realize that's what he wanted i took his word a lot he told me so many excuses, he stood me up even on important days. His ego was so big he talked so much about how awesome he was, when we did it for the first time i though it was ok to be honest.
    This douche of a man never considered my feelings he did what he wanted he saw me when he pleased and he always wanted something i started noticing he was talking to me less and less i checked fb and what i found shattered my heart and my confidence went to the all time low as it was already bad because he made me feel like there was something wrong with me i didn't realize it at the time no i just didn't want to see everything how it really was i made up excuses for him. Well i saw him and this girl with a picture together on fb, then i saw something basically saying he was her boyfriend i was so heartbroken why wasn't i good enough? i helped him through so much shit in his life and still? i did so much for what? ... I was so scared of his answer if i asked him i knew he would say i was crazy she's just a friend and just deny it till the end it was what he did... he never accepted he was wrong ever he made me cry and feel like utter crap. Two weeks and i didn't say anything talked to him it was always in the back of my mind oh she's just a friend i knew i was lying to myself i wanted to believe he wasn't hat type of guy. Last time he came to see me because i made a show and complained that he didn't want to see me so he did... He acted like everything was fucking normal! and I pretended it was I don't know why i was scared i was stupid i should have called him on his shit but i didn't i regret it at least it would have save me so much heartache and of course he wanted sex... that was why he even bothered he just butter me up and pretended because he was just using me in the end. I let him silly me i felt so detached i did'n feel anything i barely if any said a word at all it was over quick i suppose. He met my grandmother normal and all we talked a bit with my family said he had to leave early i gave him Christmas presents , he didn't get me anything all.

    • All i ever got was promises that never happened so that's the last i saw of him like a week later he comes up with excuses of his son, this happened often the mom's kids a bitch or some other shit. He waned to be friends basically i cried in he moment he never told me anything about the girl i knew but he never said the truth he was never fucking honest! that was all I wanted i would have felt better if he had been honest... He got engaged to her before breaking up with me basically i found out like a week after the whole deal I freaked out but a friend was able to calm me down. Things happen for a reason i live by that i learned so much my mom does not know about me and him doing it but knows the res she's pissed still I'm calm i did what i did i can live with it. The douche is never gonna tell me that he was with her when he was with me he denied it and contradicted himself i talked to him a while ago it just happened and I'm ok

    • The thing is i learned so much from this experience. It still hurts yes but I'm moving on and karma will get him someday is what i think. I'm stronger than before i love myself and i need to respect myself more i will never let someone make me feel like he did ever again... I say this to all girls never let a man treat you this way he should respect your wishes he should treat you right and like a princess love you and never make you cry or hate yourself in any way. To him and his delusion i didn't even deserve the truth and he will always deny it if i even try to tell him on his baloney so i don't even bother wasting my time over him anymore he's not worth it and i'm sure his fiancee does not know the jewel he was beside her and i won' tell either i will let things happen as they should. Sorry it was long i just felt like i needed to tell my story. To every women out there you are worth everything your beautiful and always love yourself.

  • This seems so well written to me, I like it. Obviously I don't like what happened to you but wow this piece packs an impressive punch.

    I know you aren't looking for it, but I feel obligated to give advice anyways. Because maybe if I tell you, maybe I'll listen to it myself lol. This kind of hit home with me a little bit, despite my being in a pretty different situation, some of the stuff about the sex - ugh. The best thing you can remember is that every single situation and person is different. If you stay closed off withering from a man's touch you will find man after man who doesn't care what you feel because any man that gives a shit about your feelings is going to respect that line you put up. The only thing for it is to do the scariest thing you can imagine and seek pleasure in a man's touch and care and compassion, because that's when you'll find it. Maybe you don't want anything for a while. That's fine too.

    What's done is done now, and it's for the better. Neither of you were happy in the relationship and he obviously has his own shit to work out. Just remember you have worth as a person. All of your efforts have worth. It's important that anyone that close in your life value your happiness especially you.

  • I feel your pain on this as recently my boyfriend left me while I was working. He moved out of our apartment and it was agony. I couldn't let even my friends touch me to hug me. I didn't know what I had done wrong... His mother hated me and that was all and she had manipulated him into leaving me since the death of his father.

    I had done nothing and the fact that someone else had so much control over my happiness has been a bitter pill to swallow. I lost my husband to circumstances beyond our control and now this one too... love didn't matter...

    What I know though is that some selfish people can somehow make us feel we are not worth it, that their happiness is more important. It isn't.

    • I just hate that I let it happen! Now that it's been a few weeks, I think back on all the signs that I just completely ignored and can't believe that I did that.

    • you need to forgive yourself though it isn't your fault x

    • Reading your comments to other people I think he took advantage of you. Even the strongest of people have vulnerabilities xx

  • You didn't get a goodbye because he was just an asshole. And honey, he was not your boyfriend. He was just a jerk who used you until he could find someone else to use. You deserve better, don't give that man a shred of respect by acknowledging as someone you should have been better for. You were too good for him. You cannot teach men it's okay to treat you that way, so I would suggest you never speak to him ever again and even if he speaks to you first, treat him like he doesn't exist, because you deserve to be respected for more than just a piece of ass. Don't bother with any man who can't respect you.

  • This kind of made me emotional. It's horrible how he treated you yet it's reminiscent of what happened to me. Ex's that demanded sex constantly, not enjoying it, finding it a chore but allowing it (after a long time of refusing) because it'll shut them up for a while and/or avoid the cold shoulder and complaints if you refuse. It is abuse and/or sexual assault.
    It was the worst, most annoying part of the relationships! Then I found a guy who respected me sexually and it all changed. I wanted sex more than ever (more than him!) because it was correctly done - with respect, patience and tenderness.

    I hope other guys learn that it's a woman's choice too, that they're not entitled to sex because they have a girlfriend or because they're a man.

  • I'm sorry you went through all of that and I hope you'll be ok.
    Try to learn something from this experience as well. Don't put up with that kind of douchey and shady behavior. Learn how to love and respect yourself, and don't let guys like him ruin you. If a guy you're dating refuses to introduce you to his friends/family, refuses to take down dating profiles and only uses you for sex, then it's clear that he doesn't think of you as his girlfriend and lacks respect for you. Such guys aren't worth your time. You're worth more than that. You don't have to put up with that kind of behavior. You didn't love him for who he was, you loved the image you had of him in your head, the image he could be. The image of him taking you and your needs into consideration, the image of him deleting his dating profiles, the image of him calling you beautiful. That's not who he was, and the sooner you realize that that was just a hopeful image of him that never truly existed, the easier it'll be for you to let go, move on, and love yourself again.
    Don't base your self-worth on what other people think of you, or how they treat you. Base your self-worth on how you see and treat yourself. Don't get into a relationship because you're lonely or yearning for someone else's closeness. Don't get into one where you imagine the guy changing for you and becoming good to you. Learn how to love and respect yourself first, learn how to be alone without feeling loneliness. And then, eventually, you'll find a guy who's good to you right off the bat. Then you won't have to fantasize about him doing all these good things to you, because it'll be real.
    Chin up. Stand your ground. See the value in yourself. Don't tolerate someone else's bullshit. You can do it.

  • Wowww. What do you say to a woman who heard it all before? Is what i'm asking myself which is highly crazzyyy. Can't say everything will be alright because you're torn completely. But love yourself to the point if a guy doesn't like you for you then he gotta gooo... Not easy but the biggest advice i can say to do is pray.

  • And you Miss need a support network of clever girlfriends. If I were your friend, I would be on your ass about dating this scumbag from the start.
    Please don't wallow in self pity all alone. Move forward and make more friends, date...

    My heart got merely a little cracked, but because I saw the signs of attempted use a mile away and ditched him as soon as my standards were not met. Please learn from this and stand up again. Realize that he didn't ruin anything. Every scar heals back thicker. And now you will be smarter thanks to him...

    It is YOUR duty to protect your heart and no one else's. And it WILL heal.
    Now you know how to protect it. :)

    • I had a couple friends that didn't like him, but they said that it was up to me if I wanted to date him. But no one explicitly said he sucked or was using me for anything. My guy friends didn't mind him at all so I think you're right, a friend evaluation is definitely in order. But right now, I'm going to take some type away for myself.

  • I think everyone has a story like this. Be it male or female. Considering my 'slut' phase in uni I have a few.
    I mean one threw my stuff out of his house after I went for a smoke.
    Or my ex. We knew it was originally friends with benefits. And I was fine with that. Until we started actually spending time together, he met my friends. Would pretty much spend all his time with me. So I admitted I had feelings. He didn't feel the same. Tried to brush it off and continue but then he'd take me on dates. And introduce me to his housemates etc. But still didn't know what he wanted. He didn't know either. Just know every time I tried to move onto someone else, suddenly he was interested. And being the lap dog I was I'd jump at it until the last time he went away on a trip for months. Came back and we slept together as we usually do when we're together. And then I found out he had a girlfriend... I inevitably flipped out and he disappeared for a year...

  • Its good to get things off your chest by opening up about things that are bothering you. Sometimes I wish I could do the same but I can't. To me it sounds like he was only in it for the sex, if he was serious about you he would have introduced you to his family and friends. He would have took you out for romantic dinners, etc. As long as he was getting what he wanted. That's all that mattered to him. But you should have put your foot down and told him no means no, instead of letting him have his way with you. Especially when you when you didn't want it. You have every right to be angry about it, you must feel so used. :( you must find a way to move on and forget about him. If you don't, it will just keep eating away at you and you won't ever want anyone else. I'm not saying go out and grab another guy. Lol. Remember how this guy treated you, he was a selfish pillock that never truly cared about you or your feelings. I also have trust issues with other people. I find it hard to trust anyone now. Not every guy is going to be the same. Take a little more time getting to know them first, if you must. You deserve so much better than the likes of him.

    • Well, you've learned by your mistake and you'll know next time not to let it happen again.

  • Yeah... men can be the most disgusting people in the world. When women are disgusting they are huuuge bitches and they can ruin your whole life - for a while. When men are disgusting they can literally ruin an aspect of your life for you - forever.
    The only good thing about your experience - you learned something.

    • Women can easily ruin a man's whole life. Just saying.

    • Forever*

    • @VicarioVivere Guys seem generally unaffected by most of their female relationships.

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  • I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I hope your heart and soul heal soon. *hugs* :)

  • You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You may not believe me, but you are. I'm sorry that this happened to you. You're going to be okay. My best friend's last ex basically was the same fucking way, seriously... To the T.
    She eventually left him and now she is with someone so right for her. Your time for healing and real love shall come soon.

    • Thanks though it doesn't seem some of the male commenters share your opinion.

    • Don't listen to them!

  • Definitely get professional counseling to heal from this, explore why you weren't strong enough, so you can feel heathy enough to have a relationship.

    Reality is he used and controlled you, not all unlike a pimp would. he gave you nothing that a person who loves you would. Be glad you are far away from him and never hear from him again. Be glad you had no children. There are things to be thankful for.. those are a few. I pitty the next girls who turn to him...

    I suspect you were wounded before this guy, so get counseling help.

    • I was in a way I guess. I'm already seeing someone for my bi polar disorder so I talk about this guy a lot in those sessions.

  • Raise your standards and don't feel ashamed to do so. I have always refused to date women who are uneducated, or choose not to seek an education. Do the same.
    I can honestly say that the best things about being in a relationship are intellectual stimulation, having someone to talk to, and being in the company of the one person who can always put a smile on your face. That is something that you didn't have, but clearly deserve. Find someone who will give you those things.

    I'm sure you've heard this a thousand times, but you deserve better. Never settle for less just because you feel that you deserve less.

  • i'll never understand why people let their partners walk over them to the point that they have no self confidence left.

    The only thing you can take away from this is that now you know to steer clear of men like that. Im afraid you have learned this life lesson the hard way, but you will bounce back, and you will find a guy who will treat you right.

    Its a very sad story, but fingers crossed you recover from this fairly quickly and become a stronger person for it.

    • Thanks. I know I learned my lesson the hard way. Hopefully someone reads this and they don't have to learn it the hard way like I did.

  • I have so many questions, was this man your first boyfriend? Do you not know what you want out of a relationship? Were you in love with the idea that he was white and you were black? I am a black female and I have had a white man used me for sex before, but so did a black man. I will confess they treated me as their girlfriend I got all the attention. These were two very affluent men, one was a psychiatrist the other a lawyer. It was sort of an exchange program I was in, I was young. I did not see it, no young, naive girl would. But I enjoyed the sex and I have experiences and memories to last a lifetime. Only he truly knows why he never took you out, but I think you know it to. You were in a "relationship" with an unavailable man. You allowed him to use you. I still do not get why you say you loved this man. You need to work on your self esteem, and note the things you want and tell yourself you deserve it. Honestly, I think he was clear on what he wanted. Some men ask women to be their gfs to make sex more accessible with the woman. Honey do not let this man ruin a good chance at love for you. There are good men out there, you just have to be more careful the next time around.
    Date, but with your guard up, let a man work to attain and keep you. Please read mytake: www.girlsaskguys.com/.../a27219-run-when-he-shows-signs-that-he-does-not-want-to-be-with-you

    Keep your head up

    • No, he wasn't my first boyfriend, but he definitely was the first one to use me for sex. I've always been told that I was too stubborn so I wasn't so stubborn with him and it blew up in my face lol. But I'll be sure to check out your Take. This guy was just weird. He wasn't the first white guy I dated, either. I only mentioned the skin color for visual effects for readers. Otherwise, it's really not relevant.

    • I understand, its the worst feeling in the world when you sit back and retrace all the signs. As women we crave love, and we make excuse for our partners because we want to be with them. After the first guy that used me for sex I realized that I changed my whole being just to keep a man, and I promise I will never do that again. My last boyfriend said I acted on my emotions, but I was happy I let him know how I felt, angry and all. I expressed myself and that's what matters. Next time around try to be more vocal, a man who loves you will do two things. He will listen and ask you to talk things over when you are less upset. Two he will help you to change, in that you communicate better. I am really sorry this happened to you, heartbreak is a bitch and it hurts. Set some small daily goals for yourself in the meantime, this will help take your minds of things and eventually help you to move on.

  • Why are you still with this jerk? Dump him immediately. Do not call or text him again.

    • I'm not?

    • Well then you need to move on. I don't think he ruined your sex life. Don't give him that power. I hope you find a nice man who will treat you the way you deserve. Good luck.

    • That's what I'm trying to do. He may not rave ruined it permanently but I know it will be a very long time before I have sex again. Thanks for your comment!

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