How Long Should You REALLY Wait To Have Sex?

[jesshkah]

#BATTLEROYALE

Do you follow the 90 day rule? The 5 dates rule? Or any of the plethora of useless rules used to govern your sex life that really just hold you back for no reason whatsoever? Throw those rules out the window, make your own. So how long should you really wait to have sex?

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Whenever you fuckin' feel like fucking. This Take is primarily written under the presumption that both parties who are about to engage in this hanky panky deal are mature, consenting, intelligent, low drama type, individuals, who are open-minded about premarital and outside-of-relationship, sex.

So. Whether it be 90 days, until marriage, or that same night, YOU decide whether or not it's the right time. Jokes on everyone, there is no "optimal" time to wait to have sex because it is totally dependent on you and your partner's comfort level with each other and your own bodies. Let's be honest, for most people, sex is a part of the deal when it comes to dating and relationships, so why pretend like neither of you is trying to get some eventually? The sooner the both of you can let go of your reservations and accept that a desire for sex and feel good stuff is a natural human condition, the more fun you'll be able to have.

Again, I understand that there are some who face more difficult obstacles than the usual not wanting to seem promiscuous or not wanting to come off like a playboy, or being a virgin who just hasn't found someone yet, so for you guys, please, please, do take as much time as you need, and on the flip side, DON'T HAVE SEX IF YOU'RE NOT READY just because you feel pressure from society or your partner to do so.

As a woman, I understand that a huge fear of ours is that we don't want to seem like a little hoe bag if we end up having sex on the first date, but to me, any guy who would make that judgement after spending (assuming) a few hours getting to know my mind and connecting with me on an emotional level, is someone who's opinion I care little about. And if he wants, he can tell all his friends as much as he wants because a) I know that if we had sex it was probably fantastic for him, and b) if anyone tries to come at me like I'd just drop my pants for anyone, they're going to face a very painful and possibly quite humiliating, rejection.

Putting myself on blast here but: I've had one night stands (realized they're not really for me), friends who turned into FWBs and never talked to me after we ended, friends who turned into friends with benefits but then back to friends after we found other people, first date sexy times that turned into year long relationships, and like 10th date sexy times that also turned into relationships. The point is, the amount of time you've waited to have sex does not and should not determine your eligibility as a partner. One ONS avoided me for AGES but then 2 years later messaged me going, "Hey I'm sorry I was a dick two years ago.. Can I make it up to you by taking you out for ice cream?" No, it was not a ploy to get back into my pants because I made it clear it wasn't going to happen, also had a boyfriend, and he still wanted to do so.

I had a 3 year long relationship develop with someone who I had sex with on the first date. It wasn't even an entire date, it was within MAYBE 2 hours of meeting each other. Had THREE other multiple years long relationships develop in which we did the dirty within a week of "dating", and another 3 year long relationship in which we didn't have sex until after at least 2 months and almost 10 dates. These relationships ended for compatibility and differences in future planning reasons, not because they couldn't see me as "marriage material" because trust me, I'm #wifey.

This Take has been primarily geared towards women as I've seen more women struggling with this issue than men, because also most people think guys are trying to get some ALL THE TIME. For you guys, don't throw all your gentlemanly habits out the window, but make sure both you and your partner are ready for this as well. If you feel you need more time to get to know a girl before you poke her with your private parts, by all means take that time. You'll have women who will get offended and upset but you are no obligated to want to immediately put your peewee in every being with female parts. Flip, if all you're trying to do is get that butt, then make your intentions clear as well (respectfully) so you both can decide how you want to move forward.

People will talk no matter what. But someone who truly likes you for who you are will still like who you are whether you give it up tonight or a month from now. So how long should you wait? As long as you feel necessary, barring judgement from any other parties. What happens between you and your fun-times partner is between you two. 😘

[redeyemindtricks]

Good take.

For some women -- like me -- there's no other way for a relationship to start.
I'm restless, forward, lusty, and sexually aggressive... I've never started a relationship with any kind of communication *other* than the sexual kind.

Again... "For some women". Only some.
And only some men, too.

Some people fall in love when the wind blows one way, and fall back out of love when the wind blows another way.

Others of us just have incredible self-awareness, and we know ourselves and exactly what we need and want, and so we just KNOW.

... And among us, there are many who are perfectly capable of sex without emotional attachment (i. e., fucking for fun and fulfillment).
For THOSE of us... there's absolutely no good reason to wait, and lots and lots of good reasons NOT to wait.
Sexual compatibility is a core element of a relationship! It's one of the few things you CAN'T get from yr friends, family, and other contacts, so, it's important to establish -- and, if you can establish it early, without emotional risk, then you should absolutely do that.

Also, sexual communication -- on so many levels -- can teach you, within minutes, things you'd take YEARS to learn about yr partner *outside* the bedroom.

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Some people, on the other hand, CAN'T realistically have sex without trust and emotional investment.
For these people... it's a better idea to wait, until there's some sort of commitment and trust in place, before jumping into the bed together.

As for YOU -- you have to know yourself in order to know which way you go on that issue. Self-awareness is the key.

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In any case... Combine that first kind of disposition with a good ability to read people, and... you get some pretty wonderful things.
For me, it's translated to a colorful and fulfilling love life... many lovers, many loves, several GOOD relationships, no regrets. And, now, an impossibly fulfilling marriage to the man of my amazing filthy wet dreams, for more than 15 years now.

When I met him, I knew he was the one, literally, within *seconds*.
It was barely 2 hours from the time we met before we made sweet, sweet love -- and, if it weren't for logistical barriers, that honestly would have been more like 2 minutes.
... and then we found ourselves in a long-distance relationship for a little over a year.

Should we have "waited"?
Hahahahah. Fate waits for no one.
<3

But, again... step 1 is "know yourself, yr needs and yr capabilities"... and then everything else goes from there.

[jesshkah]

Thank you! And thank you for sharing. Completely agree with everything you said, which was basically what I said too haha. Sexual compatibility is so very important and everyone's needs are totally different from another's, so it's all about finding someone who matches YOU.

[redeyemindtricks]

yep.

[mikemx55]

For an actual relationship, I'd say about 3 months or so. And the reason why I say that, is to be able to appreciate all the phases of the getting to know each other (assuming they just met), and getting to explore things without mixing all the stuff together. I think by experiencing one thing at a time, we learn to appreciate them even more individually. Let me give you a crappy example: if in one day, you win the lottery, become king, and are given a house, a car and a boat, you would be overwhelmed about all those things, and wouldn't celebrate them all as they should, instead you'd celebrate as a whole mix of emotions, without fully appreciating any of them, and soon they would become routine and something that we're used to everyday.

On the other side, if we get to appreciate each of the phases individually, we fully explore each detail of it, and the sense of novelty and discovery lasts for much longer, because we keep on finding new stuff about the other person. The key is to avoid routine, and take our time.

Some people are so eager to get to the destination, that they miss the great views of the trip. Don't go from point A to point B fast, learn to appreciate the drive :p

( just my opinion on the romance thing.. just sex is another different topic for me )

[jesshkah]

That's fair and I totally get your analogy haha. You're right, in most cases sex does complicate things and sometimes it's just going to fall to the luck of the draw in terms of whether or not you end up with someone who can keep things interesting even if all that happens in the beginning. Great response though, really appreciate your reasoning!

[mikemx55]

Thanks :)

[xDocilexFaeriex]

Thanks

[coolbreeze]

Nice mytake. Thank you for being real and honest and sharing your personal experiences. I feel their is no time limit on the sex part. Everybody is different and their beliefs on it is different. I do know girls that have had sex on first dates that they are still with the same guy and some of them actually got married. So to each their own.😃

[jesshkah]

Thank you for stopping by and reading, and for the thoughtful comment! :)

[coolbreeze]

Your very welcome. I enjoyed it reading it.😀

[SvetlanaSavachenko]

I'm very sexual and almost always give it up on the first date.

[katiesmuff]

Very well written and excellent advice

[jesshkah]

Thank you so much! :)

[Crumbles]

Marriage.

[EmpatheticLady]

Freaking thank you! All these questions on here about this topic can be overwhelming. There is no set limit in my mind on when two people should have sex. Setting a numerical limit on it seems silly to me. If both people are ready, just go for it. That could be on the first date or 38 days later or within a year.

I waited a good while the first time I had sex, and I still wasn't ready to be honest. I had a lot of body insecurity issues, and the way it went down wasn't good at all. However, I know the next time around, I won't wait as long because I've become more comfortable with myself. I still can't tell you how long it'll end up taking, thoug.

[jesshkah]

Totally get you girl. I wasn't really ready my first time either but it's gotten way better since then.

[AriadneSky]

i think people should have sex immediately if they want. for me i dont want loveless sex. bc its juts not the kind of sex i like. but I've nothing against fast sex. just not my thing,

i also dont care about commitment i just care bout the quality of sex. in love.

[jesshkah]

sure, that makes sense! i'm kinda the same way, sex is better for me if there's that emotional connection.

[YourFutureEx]

Generic but true.

[BrittBratt2416]

I would wait until your married, I didn't and wish I would have... I'm still with the man I had my first time with but it would just been right if we waited.

[ObscuredBeyond]

Ideally, the wedding night.

[godfatherfan]

This is Heavily dependent on age. In my dating range sex usually happens on the 3rd date. Of the dates I had once I started dating after my divorce all but 2 happened on the 3rd date. 1 on the 4th and 1 on the 1st. but that last one has a long story behind it. really it was more like our 15th date by then...

[jesshkah]

I agree that different age groups will approach the situation differently, so I do stress just whenever both parties are comfortable!

[MagiAlphaOne]

To the Ladies that see Marriage in their futures...

Women who have more pre-marital sexual partners are MORE likely to fail at their first marriage. The practical advice for a single woman seeking to lower the risk of her first marriage ending in divorce is to remain a virgin bride. If she sleeps with even one person, her risk of divorce increases, at the very least, by roughly 10% (from 14.9% to a value of 25.6%). …And it could easily go higher.

Several studies have been done on this. The Article below puts it all together. VERY informative read!

socialpathology.blogspot.com.au/.../...t-post.html

[SovereignessofVamps]

Um, it's usually women who leave the guys. The marriage didn't fail...

[jesshkah]

That's a blog post lol.. Not an article. Not to mention that the data it uses is from almost 10 years ago.. And the dating scene has changed significantly since then.

[RemonsterMan]

@jesshkah Yeah, it has gotten significantly worse and women are more promiscuous than ever before. So what exactly is your counter-argument? Nothing? Oh..

[jesshkah]

@RemonsterMan no need to be rude. I've already had this discussion with the original commenter. But my point is that you can't use old data to try and explain what's happening in the present. In fact, the increase in divorce has been more widely attributed to the use of birthcontrol rather than general "promiscuity".

[RemonsterMan]

@jesshkah Simple casual observations online and offline all indicate a rise in sexually and morally loose behavior. Not to mention entitlement. What exactly are you hoping to see with more recent data? Because everything points to an escalation of those figures, considering the times we currently live in. That's not a scientific answer, I know that very well. But I personally do not have the means to procure the data you desire, sadly. Furthermore, the correlation between the use of birth control and the rise in divorces is correct, but why do you think women are so eager to swallow the pill in the first place?

[jesshkah]

@RemonsterMan I don't disagree at all with the fact that publically, it would seem like that type of behavior has increased, but any statistician will tell you that correlation does not always mean causation. I also do believe that women have always been as sexual as they currently are, it's just a case of you not HEARING about it back then, because sex was much more of a taboo and private subject that no one openly talked about. The increased use in birth control again, is not something that can just be directly connected to, "women are having more sex so duh more birth control". Birth control is now more accessible and affordable and SAFER than it used to be, hence why usage has also gone up. If you take a look at statistics, number of births have decreased in the past few years as well, and you could argue conversely to your opinion, that women were still having just as much sex, but now just less kids.

[Spiorad_Aisce]

Good take - True there is more to think about for girls - For me I leave it up to the girl - I am not a casual/hook up kinda of guy so sometimes I will be one to say where is this going but if I make the decision to go there, I go with my instinct on whether to make any suggestion - Timewise there was never any fixed rules anywhere from a couple of nights out to about a month in my adult life - Obviously when I was in my teens it was a lot longer nearly 2 years into relationship when I lost my virginity.

[jesshkah]

Thank you! Yes I think I've seen that as people get older they are much less afraid of being totally clear about what they want.

[SovereignessofVamps]

Yep lots of pl are like you! I feel like the first date sex worry is a myth too. If you really click with someone they'll like you no matter what you do or don't do. So if you're waiting, aren't you basically saying you don't really really like the person? Not that sex makes you like them, but I mean the comfort level you two have. What else are you waiting for, unless it's for marriage...

But, that relationship probably would've ended fast even if you had sex with that same person ASAP. IF you don't click, then you don't.

[jesshkah]

Exactly! If they like you they like you. That's about it haha, and sex is a great bonus in that case

[SovereignessofVamps]

Yep xD

[ManOnFire]

I'm a sexually-charged person, so I don't mind talking about sex with women right away or even having it on a first date. It doesn't bother me, nor do I necessarily think a woman is bad for having sex on a first date either. I'm someone who has a tendency to become sexually attracted to women after we develop a friendship, so it's not a problem for me.

However, I get the point you're saying, but I don't think women are struggling with this necessarily as badly as you're saying. Most times women are already having some pretty quick, casual sex, it's just not being made known to most of us. And they're not having a problem with it either.

[jesshkah]

I think that's true for women who have matured and no longer care about their sex life being judged by society, or who are good at hiding it like you said, but this is for anyone who reads it and does have those doubts.

[peterjones]

Listen to the French - the nation of lovers - when interested, you start with sex, then see if there's anything to build on.
The whole fear of sex, timing of sex - honestly, do you time your food or eat when hungry - and even if you end up far - is that not only the smallest detail and a matter of style?

[jesshkah]

Well not everyone is able to lead with sex, but that definitely works for some!

[rjroy3]

For women, when you feel a connection. You can't fake that and it gives a guy something to aim for. So it happens, when it happens and won't be forced. If you never feel a connection, then the sex probably wouldn't have been that great anyways and you stop seeing that person, because it's not going anywhere. You don't need to have sex first in order to feel a connection.

[jesshkah]

This is true. I'm saying that establishing that connection is not something that anyone can really control, so say a woman is able to make that connection on the third date, but they have a 5 date rule, I think the waiting just to hit that number is what is unnecessary.

[kittykatbrat]

Im a super sexual person who has sex whenever my body & mind tell me too :P

[jesshkah]

Haha do you girl! I support you 😉

[kittykatbrat]

:) xo

[Darklydarkened]

It should come naturally. I seldom think on it.

[jesshkah]

Agreed, which is why I wanted to tell people that they shouldn't worry so much about what's the "right time"

[redridinggirlTR]

if i want the guy i find it silly to wait.
just do it and be done with it.
if its just for sex, then its ok... you are done and run away.
if it is something serious, just take the sex off to be an issue... and concentrate on the feelings...
if i like the guy i always do it on the first date.

[jesshkah]

Right, that makes sense. I think for some people sex does complicate things, so for some they do need to wait in order to be able to separate their feelings and figure it out.