Sexual Relationships
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50 Shades of Overthinking

Ok... So, that book. Yeah, THAT one.

50 Shades of Overthinking

First, let's reprise 4 things we DO know about ... that book.

1)

It's really bad. (In fact, it's so bad that I genuinely thought it was intended as a burlesque, or a lampoon, when I first read it.)

2)

The title character is a fucked-up creepy psycho stalker with mommy issues. There's nothing authentically dominant about him whatsoever. He has a troubling attraction to helplessness and naïveté, and the story sure as hell doesn't help equally naïve readers distinguish between dominance and abuse.

3)

The story certainly doesn't do BDSM or its cognoscenti any favors, either. (The title character is said to have first become submissive, as the result of, essentially, statutory rape -- and then somehow evolved into this faux-dominant poser. There are so many things wrong with this portrayal that I don't even know where to start counting -- or where to stop facepalming.)

50 Shades of Overthinking

4)

But... it's a cultural sensation nonetheless.

Its effects have spilled over into the public consciousness, the incidence rate of STI's among the post-menopausal crowd, and even the inventory turnover of hardware stores.

Yep.

__

OK, that's the background.

Now, let's talk about a MORE insidious effect of That Book -- about which I haven't heard as much chatter, either in real life or on the internet.

Thanks to that book... For a lot of people, fuckin' can't just be fuckin' anymore.

THAT.

The most pernicious effect of this whole 50 Shades phenomenon, as I see it, is that many of the book's devotees have started to view EVERY sex act through the lens of "domination" and/or "submission".

EVERY SINGLE THING.

For these unfortunates... fuckin' has lost its ability to just be fuckin'. Sex can't just be sex anymore -- it HAS to be power games, all the time.

50 Shades of Overthinking

Don't get me wrong here -- I LOVE sexual power games. Deep in mah darkest deepest heart of hearts (yes, I actually have a heart), I'm one of the most sexually submissive creatures that ever rolled off the machines of God's North American manufacturing works. I had lurid fantasies at age 11 that would make post-apocalyptic warlords blush. I can have blinding orgasms just from being slapped across the face -- by the man I love -- with the perfect verbal lashing to accompany it... let alone more intense things. #fuckyeahmarriedlife

...AND STILL.

Still.

Even for a degenerate like me... MOST fuckin' is just fuckin'. MOST sex is NEITHER "dominant" NOR "submissive" -- but MOST sex includes a healthy complement of making sweet hot intense emotionally invested luuuuvvv.

...And THAT's the biggest problem this 50 Shades phenomenon has caused -- ALL THAT has been lost, for many of the book's biggest aficionados.

For far too many 50 Shades fans... BDSM limits, rather than enriches, their sexuality.

I've seen and heard discussions -- not only on the internet (where every imaginable manner of weird discussion prevails), but even in real life -- about things like whether it's "inherently submissive" to go down on a woman.

Sweet hell, I even heard a serious conversation once between a couple of thirtyish guys -- in the real, live, living breathing world -- about whether it was "submissive" to KISS a woman.

I SWEAR.

Yeah, they were a little tipsy... but... SRSLY?

50 Shades of Overthinking

Worst case scenario, there's going to be a whole army of disaffected women whose faux-"dominant" boyfriends are afraid to go down on them. Or even KISS them.

And however many thousands of men AND women with, essentially, stunted sexual growth. Unable to just make sweet love.

NO sex act is inherently "dominant" or "submissive".

Not a single one.

As an analogy, consider the word "bitch". "Bitch" is a word.

Think of all the different ways a man could say "Bitch" to a woman.

• He could be sniveling and butthurt, and it'll just make him seem even more pathetic.

• If she's afraid that she's rubbed someone the wrong way, he could say it sarcastically, and -- ironically -- comfort her.

• He could glower at her with fire and anger -- and passion -- in his eyes, and scream it at her because he loves her so much and hates her so much... all at once.

• He could say it while he fucks her into sweet orgasmic bliss -- to let her know in no uncertain terms that she's his bitch.

Etc.

You get me.

With ANY sex act, it's the same.

The THINGS you do in bed are like words. They can communicate absolutely anything you want them to communicate. If you read something as "inherently submissive", then that's your fault, for having such a limited point of view.

With the right lover, ANY sex act can be "submissive"... or "dominant"... or loving... or degrading... or maybe all of the above, all at once.

50 Shades of Overthinking

Or none of the above. Because sometimes, fuckin' is just fuckin'.

#BATTLEROYALE #TeamRJ

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Only you could write this Take haha

    You know you are not wrong about "devotees have started to view EVERY sex act through the lens of "domination" and/or "submission". Same thing I thought about on occasions too in a sense if girls view sex that way and hence I am suppose to think the same way?

    Luckily its not black and white for me and is exactly "Even for a degenerate like me... MOST fuckin' is just fuckin'. MOST sex is NEITHER "dominant" NOR "submissive". But as you mentioned somewhere else PUAs, bros and other chatter can confuse and box guys into thinking as such, power games as you mentioned its their job to be Masculine or dominant to please their lady as that's exactly what she is desiring 24/7. at least guys might be understandable but you mention women buying into this crap surely they would soon realize what they do or don't enjoy.

    I don't know about women but from guys perspective it does clear things or misconceptions. Its not like we guys fully understand girls' fantasies like you mention girls know where to draw the line, they know where fantasy is fantasy. You know I'm just gonna let life be simple no Alpha/beta, no Dominant/Submmissive, forget dichotomies. Just do what you enjoy, forget these labels too confusing.

    "Or none of the above. Because sometimes, fuckin' is just fuckin'."

    • Seems like you're approaching this in a healthy and well-rounded way, in general. It actually blows my mind that anyone could even *think* to look at something like sex in such a simplistic way. I mean... All you'd have to do is observe YOURSELF, over the course of a normal day, to realize that's not a thing. Think about the kind of sex/intimacy you'd want to have right when you wake up, or right before you fall asleep... DEFINITELY not heavily "dominant" or "submissive". More like just lying there together, and doing more or less nothing. Then think about what you'd want when you're super amped up and turned on. Totally the opposite, right? Seems obvious enough to me. So, it blows my mind that anyone could think that a woman would somehow want the same thing at every hour of every day in every mood and every situation.

Most Helpful Girl

  • It makes Erotic Romance novels look bad that's for sure. It's written so bad I had to stop halfway through book two. If I had read about her "inner Goddess" one more time I would of broken my tablet.
    I don't necessarily think it is a bad thing people are reading it though people should be able to read whatever they want without fear of judgement. It may even get more readers into good Erotic Romances. Twillight was the first Paranormal Romance novel I ever read I dislike it now that I have read better books but it was what first got me into the genre.
    It annoys the crap out of me with all the attention it is getting when there are better Erotic Romances out there but all the hate it is getting is kind of silly. It is just fiction if people are not going to fact check and believe everything they read they are just stupid people.

    • Tx for yr opinion. What are some of the best erotic romances you've read? Maybe 2 or 3 that stood out?

    • I don't normally read it unless it get mixed in with my Paranormal Romance. I have read a few contemporaries though The Professional by Kresley Cole is crazy but its a good kind of crazy.
      The Theory of Attraction by Delphine Dryden features a socially awkward genius as a hero.
      This is a well established book blog with more Contemporary Erotic Romance recommendations: smartbitchestrashybooks.com/.../

    • Thank you!

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What Girls & Guys Said

17 31

  • The book is just bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. It sends the wrong message to both males and females alike, and makes everything into a game. Relationships and especially sex is NOT a game. I wish, very much wish, this series of books had never been written. I can count of both my hands the number of relationships that have ended because of this book, and all because the girl sought out the fantasy instead of taking care of the reality of the relationship she was in. The people who are reading this book and believe it represents reality are not only delusional, they’re pathetic. Yes. I have very strong opinions about this topic. What this book has done to people is so wrong on an epic level.

    • You've actually known THAT many relationships that have ended specifically because women chased bdsm fantasies? Srsly?

    • Yes. I'm quite serious. I've known quite a few since that damn book hit the reading market that have ended because of their BDSM fantasies. It is quite sorrow that they gave up what they had for something they knew very little about and the reality is never what a person fantasizes about anyway. It is really hard when you are friends with both sides of the couple and you have to listen to them both for different reasons why they no longer can be with each other because one or the other has a BDSM fantasy they wish to chase.

  • Amen to that sister, fucking preach!!!

    I have to admit to finding the BDSM community equally guilty of turning every single aspect of intimate relationships into D/s dynamics... and then look down on those who don't feel the need to have that constantly... or don't subscribe to one singular dynamic... I think that the best way to amazing sex is not prescribed scenes and dynamics but really figuring out what turns you AND your partner on... man, when you reach that level of trust where you can be degraded and beaten and know that the person doing it loves you with all their soul... yeah... that's some awesome shit right there...

  • I have heard plenty of people claim it was this book that got people thinking about BDSM and brought it into the spotlight.

    I suppose im lucky. It was literature that made me aware of BDSM but not Fifty Shades. No, I was lucky enough to come across a tasteful comic written by somebody who actually practices and understands the human psyche.

    Sucks to be the rest of you who was sucked in by this drivvle.

    • What comic, if you don't mind?

    • Its called Sunstone by Shiniez on Deviantart. Id supply the link but im on my phone and in class :p

    • Thanks, that's more than good enough lol

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  • Quite simply put, this is why I haven't read The Book That Shall Not Be Named.

    • lol "the book that shall not be named"

    • it's good unintentional comedy tho. When my girlfriends and I got ahold of a copy of it (not purchased, natch)... OMGGGG I haven't laughed so hard, or so much, in YEARS girly

    • Oh, that, I do believe. I just don't know if I could read it. I think the cringe factor is too high.

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  • LOL @ people who buy such shit and waste their time. Dominance and submission are not predefined and permanent roles for each human beings. Unless of course, they're ridiculously monotonous.

    • Not my place to judge that. I mean, you could just as easily try to say that anyone who isn't bisexual is "ridiculously monotonous", too. Because, y'know, being straight is such a predefined and permanent role. (: Slippery slope.

    • Huh? Being dom or sub doesn't depend upon sexual orientation. As far as I know.

    • Didn't say it did. What I said was, if someone is 100% dom or 100% sub, you're calling them "monotonous". By that logic, you could say the same thing about someone who's 100% straight.

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  • I have only one thing to say about this article. You need to use more Emma Stone! She's one of the sexiest women if you ask me. Just her expressions, I can only imagine what she's like between the sheets. What a hot little minx.

  • I haven't read or seen the book, don't think I need it. Good perspective.

    In nature, I'd like to know this for sure, but the sperm thinks it is nailing that egg... right... drilling into it... then it gets sucked in and it doesn't leave, or can't. Its consumed!
    There ya go, dominance and submission at a low level and its all good lovin'!

  • Go #TeamRJ @RJGraveyTrain

    I mighta just "learnt" something lass 🙋

    • Lmao thanks for the support!

  • I am so grateful I never read it, and never watched the movie.

    My misconceptions about sex are my own.

  • I'm safe then -> didn't read the book. Ahaha

    I did see the movies though... and funny enough I saw the porno version first, and then I was absolutely disappointed about the actual movie loooool. The actor doesn't have 1/3 of the carisma of the porn guy. Total disappointment

    • There's a porn version? Of something that's basically soft porn already? Interesting... What's the difference?

    • Ahhh, it was inevitable that someone would make it. And it came out before the actual movie (that's why I saw it, cause I was looking to tor**** the actual movie, but it wasn't available and that version was in the results :p ) It has a bit of a plot (which I don't remember xD), but it involved an interview (which was a spoiler for me), and then straight up sex of course, because she was a virgin (totally non-believable). But the way that the actor talks and behaves (and his physique too) is much more dominant (macho) than the actor from the actual movie. The rest of the plot was just some excuses that lead to straight up sex.. I'm not sure if there was much kinkiness apart from some light spanking.

    • Interesting lol

  • Great take - Totally agree about overthinking - I am at a loss because I haven't read the book or seeing the film just an aside - A quote I read in the paper from some review, " A book about a billionaire, so romantic - If he had been on minimum wage, it would have been a episode of Criminal Minds"

    • Yah, the whole notion of "stalking is OK if yr net worth is high enough" doesn't rub ME the right way, either. lol

  • I'll be honest. I once tried to read that book and it was so dumb I just couldn't do it. Not even for entertainment purposes just to bash it later on. What a buzzkill...

    • I can read REALLY fast... ahah Plus, it's... research. srsly. I'm tossing around the idea of writing some mass-market smut just to make easy money, so, I gotta calibrate what the audience wants, y'know? I forgot to hashtag this take lol... hopefully they'll add the tags for me.

    • I can read fast too but man, my brain wanted to explode with the constant repetitiveness and lame ass storyline. Thanks for err... taking one for rhe team by reading it for me and concurring with my already made up mind that it's laaaaaame. 😉 Yeah! Write some decent smut for the masses! I know you'll do a better job than this atrocious piece of whatever-you-wanna-call-it 50 Shades of Shit.

    • #srsly girrlll! lol I've even had *guys* on this site tell me that they can actually see themselves looking forward to getting married now, thanks to some of the smutty stuff I've written about my own marriage. Who woulda thunk it. (I'm always pleasantly surprised when guys like my smutty writing at all, because it's... not like the kinds of stuff that guys write, on literotica or whatever.) Oh, also, I didn't mention this in the take, because it doesn't have anything to do with the sex part -- but, do you remember how there are characters called "Ana" and "Mia"? And they don't ever eat, unless someone makes them? Yeahhh... I don't know if you have daughters, so you may be blessedly unfamiliar with this part of the internet, but there's a whole community of girls with eating disorders who actually anthropomorphize "Ana" (= anorexia) and "Mia" (= bulimia), as though these were two girlfriends who have their back through tough times. There's NO DOUBT that those two characters are

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  • I still can't believe people claim its a rape book like seriously.

    • I wouldn't call CG a rapist, but he's definitely a stalker, and definitely controlling to well beyond the point of abusive (taking away her own computer? controlling her internet access? ffuuuuuu...)

    • I think its the most retarded thing ever because its like do you see her claiming rape in the books/movies no? then stfu lol

  • I love your mytake and agree about the word bitch. I call guys bitches LOL

    • 😂😂 You... I can totally imagine you being like "c'mon you little slut..." to some guy lol

    • @redeyemindtricks really? I didn't think my comments came off as dominant. I just meant when I insult guys.

    • oh hahah, well, you've mentioned you have a dominant side. Plus... Not just dominant, necessarily. I'll call my husband a "little slut" if I'm just being a brat who wants mah ass beat in all the good ways <3 Srsly... Just about any word can communicate just about anything.

  • I guess the perceptions people have because of the book/movie are not a lot different from the way porn distorts peoples' visions of sex. This is yet another reason why erotica is really no different to me than porn, despite how much the females keep telling me it is.

    But this just seemed kinda all over the place to me. You're nay-saying dominance/BDSM - or the perceptions of dominance/BDSM - yet detailing how you like it in your own way. You're also making it too one-sided as if it's just men who call women "bitches" out of any anger, malice, or frustration, when women can look the most childish with their use of the word in cat fights.

    "With the right lover, ANY sex act can be "submissive"... or "dominant"... or loving... or degrading... or maybe all of the above, all at once."
    - With that being said, it pretty much seems to make this whole thing void of any point.

    • I'm not "naysaying" anything -- I'm saying that people have tunnel vision. I mean, here's an analogy: Let's say you bought a Ferrari as a status symbol -- but you ONLY ever thought of the Ferrari in terms of "status symbol". Sure, that's one valid way to think of it -- but then you'd be robbing yourself of the joy of driving a Ferrari. The best situation would be to enjoy the status-symbol aspects WHEN they're significant -- but *also* to enjoy just driving the car. In that analogy, the status-symbol thing is the stand-in for D/s. It's only ONE aspect of sex, but, some people are making it into *everything* -- and thereby losing a ton of other aspects.

    • Most people in the Ferrari scenario do buy it for just that - status. However, it's not seeming to apply to this situation. If you're saying 50 Shades has distorted people's view of what dominance/BDSM is, I might agree. If you're saying that people have DISTORTED THEIR OWN view of dominance/BDSM because of 50 Shades, I can only half agree. Only the people who really don't understand what it is are gonna let a book/movie do the thinking for them. Most people who are really into that, are not gonna change their thinking and understand well what it is and where they stand on it. They have no need to overthink it. So I can't say in general everything you said in the Take is really going on in mass or applying in mass. Only in circles of people with little or no experience in dominance/BDSM. I like the way a woman has a measure of discomfort during anal and wants it to be over. I like how she winces and has sweat on her forehead. 50 Shades doesn't shape how I like that.

    • I think you're seeing disagreement where there's actually no disagreement. In fact, you're basically saying EXACTLY what I said in my response to pink anon 30-35 a few hours ago. I think the only thing you might not realize is that "circles of people with little or no experience in dominance/BDSM" is... a solid majority of EVERYONE.

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  • Never read or watched 50 Shades but everyone kept telling me the writing quality is at the level of Twilight - unimpressive. If that's the case I'm glad I read Red Phoenix novels and the like long before 50 Shades came out.

    • The writing is really bad. Not just composition-wise, but even in terms of basic character insights. You'll laugh at this, but... after I read the sex scenes, I was genuinely surprised to find out that the author was actually a woman! But... it *did* start out as a Twilight fanfic, what'd ya expect lol.

    • oh. so there's a difference between how men and women write about sex? i learn something new.

    • Yeah. There tend to be *massive* differences, actually. You can usually tell the sex of the author by the time you're just 1 or 2 paragraphs into an erotic story. One of the most obvious differences is that male authors focus on sensual descriptions of the female characters, and not the male ones. Beyond that, they tend to describe MUCH less of what's going on inside the characters' heads and emotions, focusing instead on the literal sex acts themselves. (When they *do* try to write what goes on inside a female character's head, they're pretty awful at it, too. This is what made me think for a moment that 50 shades may actually have been written by a man -- because the female protagonist's thoughts were SO badly written, and so caricatured/campy/unintentionally cartoonish, that I couldn't even empathize with her!) Perhaps the worst thing that almost ALL male erotica authors do is give a VERY SPECIFIC physical description of the female characters, *right at the outset*. Sometimes

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  • I remember picking up the book in a store and reading the first paragraph. It was so bad, I thought it was a joke. Instantly, I knew two things:

    1. I knew why that piece of crap was self-published, as the manuscript would've been laughed at by every literary agent and publisher in the world.

    2. The fact that it got popular proves that we're not only a seriously twisted populace, but we're seriously stupid, too. Sad.

    • Re #2, I think you are underestimating "first-mover advantage". Like, HUGELY underestimating it. 50 shades is, honestly, the very first book of its kind to hit the mass market as a trade paperback. So, it had no *need* to be a good book. It just had to exist. I mean, generally speaking, the very first _______ pretty much ALWAYS sucks, no matter what "______" is. Why wouldn't it? There's no competition yet!

    • All of that is irrelevant, as far as I'm concerned. It's bad. It's a ridiculously poor quality product. If a piece of turd is the first of its kind, it still shouldn't sell... the only way that happens is if the masses LIKE the turd.

    • Nah. If there's no standard for comparison, and if the market feels an unmet need, then they'll "like" something if it's the only thing on offer. I mean, imagine you're the only prostitute in some remote mining boomtown. You can be ugly as fuck, and you'll still make BANK from those miners. Same here. Plus, it's ultimately a fanfic. I don't know if you really know the genre, but, it's pretty representative of fanfic in general. I'm not trying to defend the product -- my opinion is up there for all to see -- but, it's weird that you don't realize how heavily people rely on RELATIVE judgments. People don't make absolute judgments in a vacuum.

  • You honestly read the book? I mean... You got to the last page? You are my hero! I couldn't, it was SO BAD! How can anyone publish it? And I'm not criticizing the plot here (It's awful tho) the writing is so ridiculous! Where was the editor? I stopped at the 5th page I guess... Could not make myself read something so poorly written. I feel bad for the people who like that... Seriously.
    Haven't watched the movie cause it doesn't seem interesting but heard it made what I tought to be impossible... Was even worst than the book :O

    • I read REALLY fast. Plus, I eventually want to write something myself for that same mass market, so, I gotta learn what's working rn. (: Srsly tho-- we got like 8 of us girls together and just started roasting the shit out of that book... reading the worst-written passages out loud ahahah. I swear, I haven't laughed that much or that hard in years.

    • OH PLEASE! Write and show the world what is a well written book on the subject. Honestly, I could not belive when I started reading... I knew it was a fanfiction and all but you expect that the publisher would at least make it "less horrible" cause it seems like a 14 year old wrote it (a 14 year old that's repeating English for the third time). Envy you I would never be able to do that... Never ever going to touch the book ever again not even for the purposes of roasting it hahaha

    • ahah well... whatever the publisher did, it obviously worked -- I mean, the author is worth almost $100 million now, after the movie deals. LOL But, yeah, I've got some projects in the works (:

  • Great myTake!

    • Thank you <3

    • You write really, really well. I didn't read the 50 Shades book, but like a lot of people I saw the movie. It was entertaining but certainly not a great film. I liked looking at Dakota Johnson though. I've never been into the whole dom/sub thing myself. I totally agree with you that any particular sex act or activity isn't inherently dom or sub. At its best, sex should be -- like you say -- making love, whether it's hard sex, softer more tender sex, or anything in between.

    • Thank you. I haven't seen the movie. Ironically, I think (iirc, from what I read) the protagonist was portrayed as at least somewhat more capable -- or, if you will, at least a little bit less of a dipshit, with at least a modicum of agency over her own fate -- in the movie than in the book.

  • This was interesting. I'd heard the book was really bad but didn't realize it was having this much effect on people. Sad really.

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