Tough Confessions of a Former Sex Worker and Drug Addict

It is sad that a whole section of our society is forgotten and pushed aside. I know it is a taboo subject but it is one that needs to be addressed occasionally.

Tough Confessions of a Former Sex Worker and Drug Addict

Truth is (hell I feel uncomfortable saying this even though I have given the same speech once a year for the past 3 years), I used to rent myself out. I was an addict and needed to support my addiction and because of the sexual abuse as a child I already viewed my body as nothing but a sexual object for other people's pleasure, so why not?

Tough Confessions of a Former Sex Worker and Drug Addict
Although, my clientele was not just limited to just men; in fact, the majority of my 'clients' were female. Which was no surprise to me as the majority of my abusers as a child were female (don't look so shocked).

So lets start:

I am on a drug binge one night, I am out of money and so I go do what I feel I need to do.

Tough Confessions of a Former Sex Worker and Drug Addict

The client is female and has poor hygiene which means that she has extremely bad odors coming from her creases and holes and I have to put my face and other parts there. I do what i have to, It takes me about 20 minutes to get rid of the sexual frustration that drove her to hire me. I get my money and leave, with her stench stuck to me like glue.

I go around the corner and scrub my face and hands with the steel wool I keep in my pocket using a puddle of muddy water at the side of the street. It seems to do nothing to help get this stench off me so I pour on a quarter bottle of Aqua Velva and head on my way as I drink a sip of my cologne to get rid of her taste.

Tough Confessions of a Former Sex Worker and Drug Addict

I go get my drugs and load them into a syringe and jam it home...finally, peace from all those triggered memories. I go out a few more times that night, each time re-triggering the memories of abuse. Each time scouring myself afterwards with steel wool and drinking cologne.

The next morning I decide I am hungry and walk 2 hours in order to access one of the community resources that provides lunch to the homeless. I get in line and there handing out plates of food is a "big chunky stench" (I never did come up with good nicknames for my clients but that is what i knew her as).

Immediately I started to gag; if anything had been in my stomach I would have had a new home there on the floor. Luckily my stomach was empty after being on God knows what of a drug bender. I started sweating profusely and couldn't stay, so I left hungry then went and repeated the cycle yet again. I remember that all day I couldn't get the memory or the taste of her out of my head. I stole and drank a bottle of mouthwash just to get the taste of her that I was imagining our of my mouth..

Tough Confessions of a Former Sex Worker and Drug Addict

"How dare she pretend to care and help us when she uses us for her own pleasure?" was the thought going through my head all day. I kept getting angrier and angrier. Then it dawned on me: if I keep going I am going to lose that fire in my eyes just like so many of the street workers I knew as friends. Lost, given up on themselves and society, hopeless, helpless and could care less. I refused to become a walking zombie, a toy for a body with nothing inside.

The truth is many street workers, escorts', companions and adult entertainers have difficulty going out in public because they may run into their clients. Nothing would be worse than going to the movies with that person you finally met that understands you. You think maybe this is your opportunity to finally leave the life and start over again, and then you see your client there with their family and they sit right behind you and rub their foot on the back of your neck, or says something that scares away your date.

Try shopping as a normal person and seeing the client that stiffed you and threw you out of their vehicle with less than you went into it with.

Try going to a restaurant and being served by the person that was into BDSM and scarred your face for life.

How did I escape it? you ask, I was given a rare opportunity by a man that has since become my mentor, friend and father of choice (that is another myTake for another day). But before that all happened I was already healing for this line of work. I came to embrace the fact that I am a walking stigma. I cannot change the past nor do I necessarily wish to. I learned to take pride in who and what I was.

Tough Confessions of a Former Sex Worker and Drug Addict

Yes, I will feel shame about things I have done for the rest of my life but I will not allow the people that used and abused me to have control over me because of it. I will not be afraid to show my face in public because I might bump into the guy I sucked off for $40.00 or the lady that paid me $50.00 to shit on me. I will also not go down between your legs again just because I did it in the past not for any amount of money..

I am more than that. I have more power than my abusers. I am worth more than my drugged-out mind charged you for the temporary use of my body. I am someone, the fire in my eyes will not die, and to my ex-clients if I ever see you out there in public, seeing you will only make that fire burn that much brighter.

Tough Confessions of a Former Sex Worker and Drug Addict

So here is to the abused, raped, used and discarded, the streetwalkers, street workers, adult companions, adult entertainers and escorts...

**cheers**

And don't give up the fire inside you, because no man or woman on earth can take away what is inside you.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • CHRISTINA Perrin
    "Burning Gold"

    Looking for an exit in this world of fear
    I can see the path that leads the way
    Mama never left, and daddy needs me here
    I wish the wind would carry a change
    Looking through the window to a world of dreams
    I can see my future slip away
    Honey you won't get there if you don't believe
    I wish the wind would carry a change

    I've had enough
    I'm standing up
    I need, I need a change
    I've had enough of chasing luck
    I need, I need a change

    I'm setting fire to the life that I know
    Let's start a fire everywhere that we go
    We're starting fires, we're starting fires
    'Til our lives are burning gold
    'Til our lives are burning gold

    Looking for my ticket to a higher place
    I can see my chance begin to fade
    One step forward and two back again
    I wish the wind would carry a change

    I've had enough
    I’m standing up
    I need, I need a change
    I've had enough of chasing luck
    I need, I need a change

    I’m setting fire to the life that I know
    Let's start a fire everywhere that we go
    We're starting fires, we're starting fires
    'Til our lives are burning gold
    'Til our lives are burning gold

    Looking back I see I had the flame in me
    I’m the wind that’s carrying change

    I've had enough of chasing luck
    I need, I need a change

    I’m setting fire to the life that I know
    Let's start a fire everywhere that we go
    We're starting fires, we're starting fires
    'Til our lives are burning gold

    I’m setting fire to the life that I know
    Let's start a fire everywhere that we go
    We're starting fires, we're starting fires
    'Til our lives are burning gold
    'Til our lives are burning gold

    -you yourself need to be the change you want to see!..

Most Helpful Girl

  • I worked as an escort.
    Its so disgusting that clients will take advantage of the vulnerable. Cheat you. Make you do dirty degrading rotten things.
    I worked completely sober so I had control but the whole industry and quick cash is addictive.
    I can't possibly imagine the emotional damage of dealing with both a drug addiction and sex work.
    Hearing of people going bareback because its a quiet night and things like that just so they can afford a hit - makes me really sad.
    I'd always try and motivate my fellow sex workers to be safe and not do anything they wouldn't do in a relationship. But drugs BLINDED them.
    Only love, compassion and understanding can make you walk away winningly.

    I am happy to hear you've found your strength and thank you for sharing your story.

    I wish you the strength to stay away from sex work.
    You can be loved and valued. You deserve people to admire you and I hope this experience will raise you up!
    These things have a funny way of manifesting into something great.

    • Thank you and congrats yourself :)

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • You've had a hell of a crappy life, haven't you? Makes me feel bad about feeling the way I do about the things that happened to me in my life that changed me, it's nothing compared to yours. Sorry you've been dealt such a bad hand in life but it's good that you have a mentor that helped turn things around for you. Sometimes all it takes is one person to help you and show you kindness, to give you the strength to help yourself and change for the better.

    Again, sorry you've had such a rough life :(

    • Don't be they were learning experiences lol

    • Well, it's good you see it that way but it's still sad anyway.

  • eye-opening. Your story makes me sad and angry. I think of my sons, and what if that were their life if they had been born to bad parents/caregivers, instead of me. It's unfathomable. Our lives happen by chance. And to me you are the same as my sons... worth more than the world, and a thing to be cherished and respected. And I'm happy for you that you see that in yourself despite your exposure to people who don't cherish humanity and the innocence of a child.

    • Thank you. Life has a strange way of working itself out though :)

  • Damn bro... Im an alcoholic but... im a functioning one...
    This is just messed up... i commend your bravery sir... fight on.

  • This take is one of the most raw things I have ever read and I'm sure it is just a scratch in the surface. It says a lot about someone when they can take the things most people hide, take all their demons and just lay it out there on display with a light shining on them for the world to see. People who can allow themselves to be that transparent on a such a tough subject and be that vulnerable to criticism are a tough breed. There is freedom in that. I think it's awesome that you turned it all around and have come so far. Takes a determined individual to climb out of those ditche of their life. Very raw take but I love the strength, determination, and fight that it showed.

    • I believe that if my skeletons are all out in the open that then nobody will ever have anything to hold over my head

    • Exactly!

  • You know what, good for you.
    You had a bad thing so you turned around and made a good thing.

    Good on ya.

    • if my past taught me anything it was to look for the positive in the negative

  • Good take. Its the pain we have experienced and the struggles we have had that define who we are. If your wise you learn from them and become better for them.

    • thank you

    • Not a problem!

  • I love your MyTake. Just by posting this, it's really apparent that you've learned self respect and how to love yourself! You're very brave for sharing this and I admire your courage. Thank you so much for sharing this. Even though I myself have never been in this same situation, there was a period of time where I was depressed and down because every man I had been wish used my body for their pleasure, cheated, and dumped me. All of my relationships were online and I had shared pictures of my body with them because I believed they loved me. I felt empty, unwanted, insignificant, and wanted to kill myself. So I would find random people and sext with them and share my body with them to help them get off, because for 30 minutes I actually felt something and forgot about my pain. But then my Husband came along (I met him on this website on December 26, 2014) and we began talking and I realized my worth. He helped me realize how much I am worth and he taught me to love myself. (I moved to ohio to live with him in May of 2015 and we got married in October of 2015 and now have a 6 month baby girl!) So while I was not abused or in the same situation as you, I can relate on a level. Again, thank you very much for being bold enough to share. I'm so very glad and so very happy that you have learned to love yourself.

    • Thank you and I don't know if love is the right word but yes I come to respect myself

    • That is what I meant 😊

    • And you are very welcome!

  • Thank you for sharing, I'm sure that is hard to do, but as well, that is where the healing is... letting it go so it doesn't define you. We are all the "walking dead" in one form or another, but yours was certainly severe.

    I'd like to know more about the female abuse when you were younger as this may help others define what abuse is and help some others.

    • Thank you. I never give details though. The details take the healing properties out of it and make it a grotesque story. I refuse to make a grotesque story of my life experiences instead I state what happened in a general way, at times giving specifics in order to put things into perspective. I will go more in-depth as time goes on but will never give all the details. The only thing that matters from these myTakes is that someone reads them and finds strength to handle their own experiences.

    • that makes sense, why relive the pain. share and live fully now so it doesnt' define and control the life you have. Great job, you are an inspiration and will save others!. I'd like to hear about the mentor though, that be an inspiration for others.

  • I am so sorry that you have been given the shitty cards in life. If you can afford it now, try to seek professional help. Or maybe go to campusses, maybe they have free therapy sessions or group therapy or something, try to cope with your abused childhood.

    I'm a bit torn about what you did as a drug addict and a sex worked, though... One the one Hand, I despise people selling their bodies and I have no respect for them whatsoever so to me, they deserve whatever shit they get from their clients. It's a path they choose, and hey, everything comes with consequences. Usually the easier the cash comes, the higher the consequence. And had you not said you were abused as a child, I would have also totally looked down on you for using in the first place. Another Bad choice.
    But the fact is, abused kids often, if not always, turn lost and turn to be troubled adults. How many killers and rapists and pedophiles were abused as kids themselves? So I don't know man, your take makes me confused...

    • lol I know the stats. thus the breaking of cycles of abuse. I saw 3 counsellors a week for a year. had counselling just for the sexual abuse for 3 years. family of origin issues 2 years. lol I have received help and am at peace with it.

    • Congrats on that. Really. You seem to have come to terms with your life now. Maybe at some point in the future, if circumstances allowed, you can make sort of a home or shelter for kids/young adults who have similar backgrounds as you do. And provide them therapy and rehab so that they know that there's another way to live life.

    • I currently guest speak to highschool students and special interest groups giving them parts of my life. I enjoy it. the more I talk about it the more power I have over the effects the abuse left

    • Show All
  • You are so brave for sharing this with us. It takes balls to go through that and write about it on a place like GAG. I never wanted to be a drug addict or a sex worker. I hope I never go through what you went through. I wish you the best.

    • I am hoping that in sharing this I can stop someone from making the same mistake

  • I am So sorry dude. I don't know what to say other than sorry, I wish I can just hug you and tell you everything will be okay. I am so so sorry. <:c

    • everything happens for a reason :)

    • but this is just so bad, I wish I can help I just! dont know fricking how I just repeat Im sorry like an idiot over and over again but i dont know how to make the pain go away for you!

    • if you want to help then help someone avoid my mistakes :)

  • I think you're very brave to share your story, fantastic take. What you went through is increadibly difficult and I really commend you for getting to a better place, look forward to reading more of your stuff.

    • Thank you

  • I am so sorry this happened to you, and you are extremely brave for posting this (not even going anon might I add) and I am so glad you turned things around and learnt from your past.
    Good on you, mate.

    • I give this speech to high school students all the time

    • That is absolutely fantastic. I hope they take something away from it.

  • You're a strong man. Thanks for sharing your story. And shedding light on topics such as these. keep being you! ☺️

    • Thank you and I will. I am working on my next myTake now, it should be up in about 12 hours.

  • I have tossed the coin about getting into sex work. Mine would be a lot more water tight and stringent. No drugs etc.

    • it is not as fun as it sounds unless you like older women and vicious sick twisted shit

  • My god, just my god.
    You sir are a very brave and an incredible person.
    I'm glad that you are doing better

    • Upward was the only direction I had left to go lol

  • Smack addiction is a cruel mistress introducing you to a dark world full of vultures.

    The only thing that matters is you survived for few do.

    Realise this, be proud of your strength and resilience and cherish your life as if every day is your last

    • I am don't worry lol

  • I can't belive you'd share that with us
    RESPECT

    • Thank you

  • OMG... OMG, that blew my mind. I'm actually lost for words man. Just be strong and i hope this never comes back to you. Stay away from all of that. I can't believe so many women actually pay for that. I knew men wanted that stff... but women... yikes :(

    • It's a surprise to a lot of people

  • Well that was insightful. Glad to hear you have gotten past it and are moving on with your life in a positive way

    • hey shit happens when your an addict. can't let your past drag you down

    • Are you clean now?

    • 100% for 6 years straight now 8 years not counting a small $40.00 slip up 6 years ago

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