Guys, take it from me. Don't shave your butt hairs.

I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble ****ting.

No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my butt-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my buttcheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.

I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.

I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my butt of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My butt was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.

Little did I know.

Guys, take it from me. Don't shave your butt hairs.

I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two buttcheaks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.

Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic poo- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky ****/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.

Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my butt off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering ****/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my butt cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own ****blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks."

Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my butt at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for butt-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my buttcheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.

As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your butt having the texture of a Brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

Guys, DON'T SHAVE YOUR BUTT-HAIR!

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Most Helpful Girls

  • That was a nice laugh that you gave me..
    But who the f is that monstrous picture?

    I loved your way of writing

  • This is the best thing I've ever read on this site.

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What Girls & Guys Said

10 17
  • You forgot to mention the other interesting use that butt hair has, it somehow muffles farts. Ask most ant girl who has defoliated her butt and she will have to admit she can't sneak one out silently!! I found that out the hard way with my guy, he like most guys thought it was absolutely the funniest thing he ever heard. Me, I was soooo embarassed!!!

    As for your friction issues, try baby powder in the valley. I've heard butt never tried it, stick the deodorant stick in the valley, antiperspirant should work and the deodorant should help your outa control man smell!! Phew!! I use baby powder all the ti me, while you're down that aisle, pick up some baby wipes they work nice on a hairless bum! Well they do on mine!

  • But women do it all the time.. maybe hounded other problems?

    Also WHAT" is that picture supposed to be?

    • Women don't grow butt hair.

    • yes, they do. they poop so they grow hair.

    • I have noticed guy sweat is usually worse and has a different potency to it than girl sweat, and just our asses in general are pretty different.

    • Show All
  • Yeah girls shave their ass, vagina, legs, armpits and some shave their arms as well. Either that or a full body wax, then pretty much have to wear tight clothing cus that's pretty much all shops sell these days.

  • Oh poor darling! Hugs to you! 🤗 Loved your story! ❤️ I have never laughed so much! Lol 😂 By the way baby power works wonders in controlling sweat and will smooth the skin. Cost under $2.

    • Hello beautiful lady

  • Very interesting. Every part of our body serves some kind of purpose. All you have to do is take care of each part. Don't overdo the editing to your body. Oy minor touches.

  • I just trim it, and it works perfectly fine for me lol
    I did shave before I got the trimmer and it was a pain in the ass (literally) when it started to grow. But with the trimmer, it's perfect.

  • 😂 that was fun to read. Why not just put baby powder between the cheeks to help with sweating?

  • @Ephemera1

    • Tysm for the tag. My ass is much hairier than the average male and I'm doing just fine trimming it or using cream.

  • I'm pretty sure I have seen this exact post somewhere else before, but I absolutely agree. Just let it grow, unless you are expecting some interesting sexual favors there is no need to shave it

  • I don't grow hair like that so I don't worry!

  • I don't know if this is serious or not, lmao.

    But it works best to just trim, not shave it completely.

  • OMG!!! I have never laughed this hard ever at anything!!! Jeez!!!

  • Dat booty sweat doe!

  • I think it's worth it... Body hair is just SO gross.

  • Thanks for sharing lol

  • I bought a painful hair removal cream from the 99 cent store, it works perfectly and my ass is perfectly smooth.

  • lmao wtf...
    that was funny..
    forreal tough,,, was it that hard. to me its just like shaving armpit hair, a little uncomfy for a while, and then its ok.
    I shaved that shit since I found out that there was hair there, which I discovered years later after pubic and other hair growth... and I tought it looked gross. it did cross my mind wether it was gay, but I figured it looked a lot better to girls than when hairy. not that theyd get a look, but just in case they saw by accident.

  • Could have done without the pic...

    And use an ELECTRIC razor, dude! I wouldn't put sharp blades around those parts...

  • That was clearly funny and educational. Hahaha.

  • Do you shave your butt hairs?

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