I brought up a post I'd seen on GaG some time ago to my good friend who works at a center that helps mainly youth with education and prevention of HIV/AIDS. The post went something along the lines of, Ava started dating Jon, Jon and Ava were making out, it got to be a bit more intimate, hands went down pants, Ava discovered that Jon was a biological female, but Ava didn't freak out. She told 'him' that she was only interested in biological men. Jon got upset and questioned why it was a problem for Ava. Ava told their good friends about it. The friends backed Ava up.
For me personally, I have come to a point in my life where if what you want to be is someone completely different from your biology, go do that. I'd rather that person be happy as they are or want to be then try to make them conform to something I believe to be true, which is, we are born as we are, made by our parents, and that is what is meant to be. So sure, go live your life because that is what you personally believe about yourself, that you are born in the wrong body. However, when it comes to myself, if I were in that situation as Ava was, I would have done the same thing. I'm only interested in men, bye. So I tell my friend this, and she says, well, that makes you transphobic...and our argument began.
This is the same issue I have with people saying, if you don't want to date someone outside of your race, you're racist towards them. There IS a difference between saying, I don't want to date you who happens to be x race, followed by 10 different stereotypes or some hate speech about that race, and just saying, I just prefer to date whatever race I am. You cannot force someone to like what they don't like, even if they were raving lunatic racists. I wouldn't want someone to be dating me because of my skin color or out of some sort of race guilt specifically, but for who I am as a person.
So cut to this whole transphobic thing. I have trans friends, but just like all other friends in my life, they are honest with me about their lives and we don't keep secrets because we are friends.They prefer who they want to date, and so do I. There is no problem there, no misunderstandings, no wool over the eyes. It is, in their own words, VERY dangerous to surprise someone especially in an intimate way, with the fact that you are not biologically what you presented yourself as even if you believe yourself to be a man or a woman. There are people who get violent or who would even go so far as to kill them for doing so. A couple of cases actually have gone to court with that premise. Knowing all that, why would anyone chance it, or chance being outed in that way if they are truly undercover or not wanting anyone to know without having some type of dialogue before it got to that point?
On top of that, Jon getting mad seems totally hypocritical. Jon, I would assume, desires to be accepted for who he is as a man, however, by not respecting Ava's desire to only date/sleep with biological men, it's doing exactly what Jon wouldn't want to happen to him which is to be treated as someone who's mind can and will just change as to their sexual preference on a whim because someone declares it should. Again, I asked my friend, how does this make someone transphobic? It doesn't. Because I prefer a man with male body parts, I am supposed to what, change my mind just because I was essentially, in my mind, tricked into potentially dating this person. I would be just as miffed if a guy I was seeing for a while announced, oh by the way, I'm married, but we can still do this right. He would have presented himself as this one thing, but the truth was much different, and if you have to lie or deceive someone in chance that they *may* be cool with it, then one should prepare themselves for the eventuality that it's not likely going to work out, or in the case of Jon, may end in a very dangerous way.
Does this mean I fully accept trans persons for who they are and present themselves as, I guess to them, probably not completely if I were in that Ava situation rejecting Jon for not being a guy in my eyes, but I don't bother trans people, I don't line up with hate signs, clearly, I have trans friends, I don't protest against their fight for rights, I don't vote against trans issues, because again, live your life, be happy as you,...but when it comes to me and my life, if you want support for all of that from anyone, and for me to accept all of that, then conversely, one must accept me for who I am and for who I, or in this case, Ava prefers in the bedroom. Rejecting you because you are not as you presented yourself to someone to be does not make one transphobic. It means they like what they like, and you like what you like. Period.
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