Why I Don't Ask About my Partners Sexual History

Why I Don't Ask About my Partners Sexual History

I've been seeing a lot of questions on here about people's number of sexual partners, which number would be too high, and if it's an overall deal breaker.

I understand why promiscuity is a turnoff. I mean I've never heard anyone say oh great my partner or date has been around whether it's a guy or girl in spite of the stud/slut double standard. I mean promiscuity is promiscuity regardless of gender. Yes, it's easier for women to get laid but no one is forcing men to get laid or sleep around when they are able to. I just don't see how there's anything to benefit from having these conversations.

If you've ever seen the movie Clerks, you know these kinda conversations don't end well.

I've been dating the same girl for the past 3 months and at no point has she shared how many guys she's slept with nor did she ask me how many girls I've slept with. I never asked her either because personally I don't want to know. Whether she's been with 1 or 20, I don't care to hear the details. Whether the sex was good or bad, what positions she did with who, and how often, it's just not something I really care to think about.

I've had some messed up situations with finding out about a girl's sexual past where they either just blurted out too many personal details early on or left evidence behind and it wasn't like I asked them. One girl spent the whole date going on about her number of partners, how she had sex with 2 guys with the same name as the busboy who walked by, how she slept with her ex 2 days before our date, how they're sex addicts and other stuff. It made me very uncomfortable. Another girl talked about how she had an abortion on the first date and felt the need to tell me how she rushed home to take a pregnancy test and caught by a train then had her period. What possessed her to tell me that? I have no idea. Then another time a girl didn't share her sexual history with me but invited me to her apartment on the 3rd date, told me to go into her bedroom to have sex and when i went in there, there was a condom wrapper clearly from another guy just laying on the bed. Very fucked up.

Why I Don't Ask About my Partners Sexual History

Now I'm not one to slut shame, but all I'm saying is it's a 2 way streak. A guy boasting about his sex life to a girl is just as weird as girl doing it to a guy. I just figure that a girl has most likely had sex with other guys before me and don't need to know the rest. I just don't wanna think or picture the details of a girl's sexual past. And it's not out of jealousy or possessiveness. What matters is that they're with me now and how they treat me? I wouldn't hold someone's past against them just like I wouldn't want them holding my past against me.

Now what I DO care about are these three things:

1. Does she have an STD? - for health reasons

2. Does she have a kid? - Nothing against single moms or kids, but having a kid does get in the way and I'm not exactly wanting to take care of a kid that's not mine.

3. Does she cheat? I've heard the phrase that if she has more partners, she's more likely to cheat. That can be true in some instances but it's not all black and white like that. By the end of the day, a cheater is a cheater, regardless of partners.

By the way I am not encouraging anyone to sleep around. But if you do so, be safe about it. The reason I don't ask these questions is once you know, it'll be in the back of your head. As the old saying goes, don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • I completely agree.

    I don't ask, and normally I'll say something like "Is there anything that would be important for me to know? Stalker ex? Kid adopted out? 7 previous marriages? You think Steve Carell is funny?"

    As long as there isn't an obvious red flag, who cares what her number is? Generally, if there's a red flag, the type of person who does those things will likely reveal it anyway (some people share the most inappropriate things and don't seem to realize how they sound). I don't obsess like some people do about people's pasts, though. We all have one.

    • 1st, Stever Carell rocks lol but exactly. I had a woman that kept adding husbands every date. 1st date she talked about how "marriage is forever" although she was divorced. 2nd date she was "well I was married another time but...". 4th date she added a 3rd husband. I was thinking, WTF else is she hiding. If she had just told me it really wouldn't have been a big deal but wtf? lol

    • @godfatherfan That's weird. I once dated a girl on the rebound who always found the need to trash talk her ex when I brought up something that reminded her of her on and off ex. At one point I asked her to go to a specific bar and she's like I don't wanna run into my ex there and I'm like yeah that'd be awkward to get off the subject. Then she's like no I'll just tell him I'm with a cooler guy now and said I should make fun of him for his babydick. I was like wtf no, that's taking it too far. Then she's like I can take it further and started going off about crazy sex stories and then asked to hear about mine. She ended up going back to said ex and this is why I don't date women on the rebound anymore and that conversation sorta inspired this take.

Most Helpful Girl

  • At my age, unless I'm informed otherwise I assume they had sex. I'm more concerned with whether we can handle each other sexually, than any numbers they have.

    • I just don't see those conversations ending well. For the most part, one party will have a higher number, and either one might get insecure about it or arrogant about it.

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • Interesting mytake. To each their own.

    • Yeah I know a lot don't agree with me, just giving my two cents.

    • True lol they don't know the story like I do. So that is why they don't fully understand the situation.

  • I asked in the past out of curiosity (no ill will) but I haven't asked with the person I'm talking to now, and I don't plan on it.

  • While readind this two thoughts crossed my mind:
    1. You've heard that many horror stories from that many different people that now you prefer not to know i. e., bury your head in the sand and possibly pretend that the cat isn't black, and

    2. Just because the person you've been dating for 3 months hasn't come up with some amazing story of their own so far, doesn't mean they're in the clear yet. I mean, three months is not much to get to know someone intimately and what may not bother you now may bother you X months later when you're much more involved.

    • No I totally understand that but like I said, I don't ask at any point.

    • Well, I guess that doesn't bother you then. Personally, I would never date a guy who is been involved with a lot of women, but that's just me.

    • It depends on her attitude and personality. There's a difference between someone giving their number when asked as opposed to a guy or girl going I fucked this person, that person, this person, and so on and talking about how much they get around and putting their sex life out there.

  • *The ones that don't ask are either afraid they'd be asked the same question, i. e. ashamed of their past or have something to hide OR they're afraid they can't deal with the answer they'll get.

    • Well it's one thing to share down the road, but right off the bat is a bit strange.

    • Right off the bat is never a good idea to ask that question for sure...

    • or even volunteer that info, i didn't ask them for that. They just randomly just started sharing it.

  • I agree with everything you've written. Crazy how some girls want to share those details on your first dates. Maybe you just have a kind, nonjudgmental face...

    • I'm pretty stoic actually lol

  • 👏👏👏 love this take.

    • Thanks. I mean even if a person finds out their partner only has slept with a few people, are they gonna think about that the whole time?

    • I don't get this mindset of caring about it? If you're into someone and you're right for each other who cares? It makes no sense to me.

    • Exactly. I just think that caring about who they were with before you is about as counterproductive as caring about who they're with after it ends. Only reason I'd care is if that person was on the rebound and had hangups or baggage from their previous partners.

    • Show All
  • That's all I care about too haha

  • You don't really have to ask: crazy chicks with emotional/mental/daddy issues stick out like a sore thumb if you know what to look for.

    • what signs do you look for?

    • Attention/drama seeking, long stories about how she always happens to end up becoming the victim of some major injustice, her ability to take a joke, her ability to empathise with others, her acting insecure, her excessively shit-testing you, those kinds of things.

    • Yeah girls who always shit test you and make you feel like you're walking on eggshells constantly are to be avoided like the plague. They will fuck you up mentally big time.

  • "I think the past should be the past, even though if I knew about the past it would disgust me, and clue me in as to what kind of person she is. But the past doesn't matter, its what is now I swear! As long as she never ever brings up how gross or fucked up she was!"

    Sure there are some guys who don't care, but then there are guys like OP who SAY they don't care, but very clearly still do. Stop pretending please. It's perfectly ok not to want a slutty or skanky woman. Not wanting a woman who is grossly promiscuous isn't a big deal.

    Sluts are the female equivalent of creeps. The only difference is many men don't give a shit if a woman is a creep, or a cheat, or a slob, or diseased, or on drugs, or is severely mentally ill.

    It's one thing if a woman enjoys sex; it's a whole nother if she's arrogant, selfish, disgusting, and/or doesn't care about crossing social and physical boundaries.

    • Not quite. Again, I wouldn't dump the girl if I found out she had a high number, I just don't need to hear the details. How is that a difficult concept to grasp?

    • I agree with your last bit though.

  • Well if it's going to come out eventually, I would rather find out sooner rather than later. That way you can end things before either party has gotten too attached. The only problem with asking is that you probably aren’t going to get an honest answer. However, if I knew I was going to get the truth, I would much rather know it upfront before I get invested.

  • If one day I decide to date then I will do my best to find out whether he cares about my body count or not. If he doesn't then I will dump his sissy ass.

    • Why would you ever want to know? Only women press for this info. There is nothing you can do to change it, It doesn't affect you in any way shape or form. there is zero reason to ever know. All you need to know is does he have an STD or not. that is it.

    • @godfatherfan agreed.

    • @godfatherfan I want him to know that I am a virgin

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  • lol no offense dude but thats kinda dumb, no one actually asks as in "asks" we know girls lie way too often about these kind of things, however do you know who doesn't lie? the guy who banged her, his friends, your friends and anyone inbewtween who doest exactly like her, you need some detective work done to know the truth, if you ask her she will say iam a virgin.

    • I actually have been asked about how many girls I've had sex with on the first date by that crazy girl who spent the whole date talking about her sexual past. I guess she was honest but that's just tmi for just meeting someone for the first time.

  • If they're mature enough to have that kind of conversation, then it shouldn't be a prob, but in our society few people are.

  • I just avoid sloots in the first place so I don't have to worry about sexual history.

  • I wouldn't​ date a girl who had many sexual partners... Thats just me.. though...

    I wouldn't settle for anything less than my standard

  • Everyone has choices. Women for some reason prefer a more experienced man and it's not uncommon for girls in a female group of friends to date and sleep with the same guys. Men prefer less experienced women for long term relationships and don't care about promiscuity when it's just sex. People just have prefrences.

  • Very much agree with your Take. Learning these things is just extra baggage that's transferred from the teller to the receiver and the latter doesn't know what to do but dwell on it, which just ends with eating them up inside. Some things are best taken to the grave. The person with the sexual history being kept is doing themselves a favor because the receiver doesn't know what he or she did, so it can't be held against the partner. My girlfriend was in a five year relationship and also a virgin before she met me, still she thought I had a right to know. I stopped her there. Many months later she caught me off guard with a weird story how after her 5 year relationship she had a fling with another guy and then kissed her ex and he responded that she kissed differently because she never used tongue before. She was trying to say people kiss differently after being with another, but it grossed me the fuck out because I don't want to think about her ex and how lame their relationship was every time I use tongue. For the love of god, if anyone starts reminiscing about their past, replace the story of yourself with your friend for your partner's sake

    • Agreed. My main point is if people don't like hearing their S. O. Or date talking about exes then why would they wanna hear about something intimate like their past sexual encounters. According to some comments here, not wanting to know makes you a cuck but I'd argue the opposite. I hate that word so as soon as someone uses it, I stop right there.

  • I don't wanna know about her 20 guy gangbang.

  • Ignorance may be bliss. Or is this just admitting that you couldn't stand to date the girls you do if you knew their pasts?

    I ask. And yes, i judge based on the answer.

    • Well there's a difference between a guy/girl going yeah I had this many partners when asked then there's going oh yeah I get around, I fucked this guy, that guy, this guy, blew a few dudes in the bathroom and overall giving too much info.

  • I like to think of this issue as follows: If you buy something off of Amazon, and see the prices for New is just $10 more than Used, and it is a product you really want, which condition are you going to get?

    • not quite the same thing. These are people, not goods.

    • It's more like a metaphor.

    • I figured and I know what it means

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