Why Should You Give a Second Chance to a Cheater?

Why should you give a second chance to a cheater?

I’m biased. I don’t think that cheaters deserve a second chance. I have had a spouse cheat on me. I have never cheated on a spouse and I have never cheated on a girlfriend to whom I had promised exclusivity. I think it is inexcusable.

Sometimes, people don’t want to break up even after they learn that their boyfriend left his sperm in another girl‘s vagina. I know that sounds crude but isn’t that the gist of cheating? Of course there is more to cheating than just the sexual act but, for many people, it is the sexual act that crosses the line between something being forgiven and being unforgivable.

These people are so afraid of being alone that they would rather give the cheater another chance. How do they justify this behavior and maintain any sense of self-respect? They say, “He DESERVES a second chance!” Please tell me why a cheater “deserves” a second chance? Have they done something so exemplary that it offsets the character flaw revealed by their cheating? Or is this simply words that you utter to convince yourself that you are doing the right thing?

Why Should You Give a Second Chance to a Cheater?

No, cheaters don’t deserve a second chance. Love is not a game like baseball. You don’t get three strikes before you’re out. So, they don’t DESERVE a second chance but is there any reason why you should give a cheater a second chance?

* * *

You’ve been dating for 1½ years and everything was wonderful. You thought that he would probably be proposing soon and you had started contemplating a wedding, buying a house, and eventually getting pregnant. However, a few weeks ago, he went on a three day business trip and he hasn’t been in a very good mood since he got back.

Then, he came home this afternoon and uttered those dreaded words: “We need to talk.”

Over the next hour, he told you that he had become close to a female co-worker and she had also gone on the business trip to Atlanta. While there, they went to dinner, had a few drinks, and ended up having sex.

He says he “doesn’t know how it happened.” I’ll tell you how it happened. As soon as he got away from you and he looked at his co-worker, he was tempted. They spent a few hours together and then they went to dinner. She was being friendly and he ordered a few drinks to get both of them “in the mood.” They started kissing in the elevator and she invited him in for a nightcap. He knew what that meant and he said "yes!" As soon as the hotel room door was closed, they started tearing off each other’s clothes. The idea of sticking his pen in a different ink well had him excited and there was no stopping him. He actually did think about you briefly but he quickly concluded, “I’ll just take care of that problem later.” Then he pounded her so hard that the occupants on the next room complained to the front desk. Understand now? That’s how it happened.

Why Should You Give a Second Chance to a Cheater?

He say, “It only happened one time, and it will never happen again.” He was crying like a baby and begged you to forgive him and allow him a second chance. Should you? Why should you?

Why Should You Give a Second Chance to a Cheater?

In this hypothetical, the couple is not married and it is the male that cheats. Of course, some women are unfaithful, too. In the context of marriage, the most widely regarded research has been conducted annually since 1972 by University of Chicago researchers. Every year, they have asked a representative national sample about infidelity and the results have been consistent. Every year, 10 percent of spouses admit cheating: 12% of men and 7% of women. Logic and common sense tells you that the rate of cheating among dating couples who are not married must be even higher.

If you have not had this happen to you, you are either lucky . . . or it happened but your partner never confessed. What if it does happen? How do you respond? Many of you know how you would respond and the answer is quite simple: you don’t give a cheater a second chance. However, if you are one of those who don’t know how you would respond, let’s look at the reasons why you should give him another chance:

1. You have a history together. You know his quirks, he knows your quirks, and you enjoy being with each other. Starting over with someone else is work, no doubt. You’ve got months or years invested in this relationship. You don’t want to feel that you’ve wasted your time. Why throw out two years of your life because of something that happened for "just" one night?

Ask yourself these questions. Will the relationship that possibly lies ahead for you give you the return on your investment that you were expecting? Do you want to invest even more time and effort and get even bigger disappointments in the future? What if the Titanic had successfully turned as soon as the iceberg had been spotted?

Why Should You Give a Second Chance to a Cheater?

2. You have already planned a life together. True, but . . . the news that he told you is something that changes everything forever. You will never have the life that you had planned because everything will be affected by what he did.

3. You are already living together. Breaking up and moving will drain you of all your psychic energy. The disclosure of his infidelity is a horribly stressful event and breaking up will make it even more stressful. But are you simply delaying the inevitable because you don’t want to be overwhelmed now? What will happen with your psychic energy a week from now when you get in bed, he rolls over to you, and starts fondling you like he wants to have sex. Instead of getting aroused, you get a mental image of him giving his co-worker a damn hard poking. That image won’t go away, will it? Instead of getting aroused, you start getting tearful. Is this going anyplace good?

Why Should You Give a Second Chance to a Cheater?

4. He volunteered the information so it seems that he wants to regain your trust. No, he volunteered the information because he was feeling overwhelmed with guilt. The fact that he cheated doesn’t mean he has absolutely no conscience and, yes, after his supply of semen was exhausted in the workplace cutie, he finally felt guilty. He told you because he hoped that doing so would make him feel better. He was focusing on his feelings, not yours.

5. He was crying and so obviously upset that this incident was totally out of character for him. What does it mean to say that somebody did something that was out of character for them? Character is what we believe about someone's values and motivations, inferred from all of the things that we see expressed in their behavior. If a person does something that is inconsistent with what we inferred about them, it either means that

a. we were wrong in our assumptions about their character, or

b. they actually did something that is absolutely inconsistent with their values and beliefs.

Which of those is more likely to be true? Of course, it is much more likely that we were wrong in our judgments about their character. But you don’t want to admit that you have made such a horrible mistake about someone with whom you have been so intimate. For some people, it is sometimes easier to give someone a “free pass” that to accept the realization that they have been fooled so horribly.

Why Should You Give a Second Chance to a Cheater?

(BTW, women aren’t the only gender that sometimes uses tears in a manipulative fashion.)

Now let’s look at the reasons why he doesn’t deserve another chance:

1. He did the one thing that he promised he would never do. This promise was more important and more sacred than any other promise and he violated it. If he doesn’t suffer any consequences for this, why would you think that he won’t do it again? How will he feel about observing all of those other promises? Don’t you want a partner who you KNOW is trustworthy?

Why Should You Give a Second Chance to a Cheater?

2. Whenever you contemplated your future with him, you always thought of yourselves as a committed and faithful couple. Now you feel like a fool. That feeling may go away eventually, and maybe it won’t. But . . . what if he does it again? There is an expression that, “If the dog bites me once, it’s the dog’s fault; if I let the dog bite me a second time, it’s my fault.” Will you ever forgive yourself if you give him a second chance and he does it again? What if it happens after you are married and have children? Not only have you failed in your obligation to yourself, but you have failed your children. How awful will you feel then?

Why Should You Give a Second Chance to a Cheater?

3. You feel like he does not deserve to be trusted. Trust is earned and distrust is earned. You are right; he does not deserve to be trusted.

Q. How can you have a relationship without trust?

A. You can’t.

Someone might ask, “Can’t he regain my trust eventually?” There are two types of trust: 100% absolute trust and everything else. Your spouse or mate is supposed to be the person who you can trust when you can’t trust anyone else. Nothing less than 100% absolute trust will suffice. Right now, your trust level may be at 5%. Maybe – five or ten years from now – you will trust him 90%. Is that good enough? Do you deserve better than that?

4. When he confessed, he seemed to be focusing on his feelings of guilt rather than showing genuine concern for the hurt that he inflicted on you. When you are in a committed relationship, you are supposed to treat your partner’s needs and desires on the same level as your own needs and desires. A relationship is where you lose your selfishness and “the two become one.” (Sound familiar? It is included in most church wedding services.) Do you want a partner who is always focused on himself?

Why Should You Give a Second Chance to a Cheater?

5. You have a mental image of him having sex with his co-worker and you can’t get it out of your thoughts. You may never be free of that image. How many times will you think about this when you are having sex with your partner? Will he be thinking about her instead of you? You could ask him, but you wouldn’t able to trust his answer, would you?

* * *

Imagine that you are five or ten years in the future, looking back at how you handled the decision when you discovered your partner’s infidelity. Did you make a decision that was right for you, even though it was difficult? (Remember what Rabbi Hillel said, ”If I am not for myself, who else should be?”) Did you make the decision that allowed you to be lazy and take the path of least resistance? When you look back five or ten years from now, will you be proud of how you handled this crisis?

Why Should You Give a Second Chance to a Cheater?

4 4

Most Helpful Guy

  • Exactly, you shouldn't if someone violates that trust so deeply. Then you obviously can't trust them not to do it again

Most Helpful Girl

  • reading the same book won't change its end

    • I love that analogy!

Scroll Down to Read Other Opinions

What's Your Opinion? Sign Up Now!

What Girls & Guys Said

12 15
  • Unless you're looking for an open relationship situation - don't touch a cheater with a ten foot barge pole.

  • I agree that it's almost never a good idea to give a cheater a second chance. But every situation is unique. I believe there are certain cases where a second chance is justified.

    • Almost every rule has exceptions. But you should have a valid, cogent reason for making an exception and not do so simply because "we are different from everyone else."

    • I agree. You can't just assume that it will go well because you want it to. You have to be willing to put in the effort and focus and commitment to really ensure that things will be different the next time around. And the cheater has to truly regret their actions and feel in their heart that they never want to cheat again. That's the hardest part to assess, I think. Anyone can apologize, not everyone means it.

  • "Cheater" is a very nebulous word. It means different things to different cultures and even different people. But if someone did cheat on you, that means that their needs didn't align with your needs. That's the only constant. The chances that this has changed since then aren't in your favor, statistically speaking.

    • As in the example that I used, I use "cheating," as it is most commonly understood, to mean sexual infidelity.

  • The first time I was cheated on by a previous lover who I was with for 3 1/2 years I dumped him the same day I found out and never looked back.

    I found out this year that my current boyfriend cheated on me and I gave him a second chance which was the dumbest decision I ever made in my entire life.. I did it because I was deeply madly in love with him and it was denial that kept me from letting go. I wish I left him the day I found out because it never got better.

  • Life is more complex than all of our made up scenarios, if you have never made a mistake, you are delusional. I have the same story as you, but what strain of weed makes you think thats the norm? Some people, much like anyone who is not you, may or may not think like you, I know not everyone thinks like me, and i am grateful for it, a world who thinks the same is frightening to me, and boring sounding at the very least. Am I omniscient to think I might not want to throw away a vested interest in someone for the mistake they make? Just because I haven't been the cheater, doesn't mean I am so delusional that I know there's no situation that could present itself to me where cheating is always out of the question, its too easy to say what you would do, we all know how difficult things really are when you are living them, not reading about it on a web page, get out of your grandmas basement and find out for yourself the difference with virtual.

    • You have a lot of attitude for a little boy. You are right, you are different from others, and when you are young you focus on those differences and convince yourself of how different you are. Experience will teach that there are tremendous consistencies in human behavior and knowledge of those consistencies can help you to live a happier life. But. . . I never said that anyone should be required to adopt my beliefs and practices. "Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else." - Margaret Mead

    • no no no, the app wouldn't let me type my age, you mean to tell me you pressed it 49 x or so cause it starts out at 13 and Im like who cares how old I am, not about to start acting my age, hasn't happened yet, people know good advice despite the medium the messenger or delivery I am hoping in my case, cause I dont pretend I am here to make friends and actually enjoy being an asshole and being politically correct is useless, I dont kiss ass, and have always respected people who are out spoken even when I dont agree with them. I however remain as humble as I need to be by not talking about shit I know nothing about, 47 years of interacting with humans is a PHD in "I dont predict the future, I have been in this situation 5x and guess how I know how its going to happen for you too" I like to dress it up in person acting all clarevoyant for my own laughter, all who know me get to laugh first, but seldom I am wrong. Sex, money, power, the rest is in comic books I've been told, I dont read them

    • Fuck Margaret mead, my mom said im special just like your mom told you... uh DAMMIT

    • Show All
  • My husband and I are working through this now.
    I found texts between my husband and another woman, they were planning on meeting up.
    We've been going to marriage counselling for five months and our last session is this Friday.
    We were both lonely in our relationship except I hadn't felt the need to cheat like my husband did, my husband has to live with that.
    I withdrew from my husband because of his bad moods, not helping with the kids and basically I felt invisible to him the only time he'd pay attention to me is in the bedroom. Hardly a turn on right?
    So he thought he'd look somewhere else for affection instead of seeing what he was doing wrong in our marriage.
    He hasn't gotten off lightly he has had to deal with all of my moods and answer all of my questions.
    Sure you can all tell me I'm stupid for forgiving him, I know I'm making the right decision.
    Just don't say "forgive and forget ".
    I can forgive but I'll never forget, forgetting would be stupid.
    Forgetting would mean that neither of us had learnt anything from this.

    • So you discovered it before he went through on the planned rendezvous?

    • Yes that's correct

    • That probably makes it easier to forgive, although the emotional aspect of the cheating is still there. Anyone who tells you to "forget about it" is an idiot; how could you possibly forget about that, and why should you?

    • Show All
  • They deserve a second chance... only not with me hha.

  • Every person I know who cheated did it again sooner or later. I'm on my 40s so thats a lot of years to form an opinion.

    • Right, younger people want to talk about "isn't it possible that someone can change?" but we can talk about real experience. . . and the real experience is that cheaters cheat.

  • I am currently dating my ex who cheated on me 3 years ago. After he cheated we broke up, we tried to remain friends but it was hard so we stopped talking for a while.
    couple years later we became friends again, and i noticed he was like a new person. Before he was an immature 16 year old douche and when i started talking to him again i was shocked it was the same person because his maturity went from 0 to 100. I think thats why im giving him a second chance.
    We had a whole conversation about it too and he seems like he genuinely regrets it and that he's extremely sorry that he put me through that. he said that before we had any intentions on getting back together.
    I think people can change. or maybe im just stupid.

    • There are rare individuals who change but if someone approaches you for a second chance and claims that they have changed, how do you know whether they are sincere or they are just trying to manipulate you? I am glad that your situation is working for you.

  • If I was invested in the woman and she was repentant, I would want to talk.
    I would try to find out whether her infidelity was caused by a lack of something in our relationship, or if she was simply a faithless whore.
    If it was caused by something that was fixable, I would propose that we stay together and work on it.
    I would also want both of us to have a complete STD check. :-(

    • If something is wrong in your relationship and she did not come to you for discussion but when to someone else for sex. . . the future ain't too bright! But I do understand not wanting to give up the investment.

  • Nope. I've been alone a lot and I can deal with it. If someone can't be faithful to me, he doesn't deserve to be in my life. I'll manage without him.

  • Agreed. If you're unhappy in a relationship, talk it out or end it.

  • No second chances. If I wasn't good enough the first time I certainly won't be good enough the second time around

  • I was drunk, so I should be forgiven for everything I did that night.

    • BS excuse. Would you forgive your woman if she got drunk and let another guy pound her pussy?

    • Your age magically changed from 59 to 62. I'm starting to think you're not really old at all.

    • I am 62 years old. I don't know what this web site is doing with my info, but I have not changed by birth date and, in fact, a user cannot change their age after they create their account.

    • Show All
  • I call it marital treason for a reason lol 😄

    • And treason is a capital offense!

    • Yup 😨

  • Awesome Take

    • Thank you, sir!

  • Back in my day there was none of this "agreed to be exclusive" shit. If you were dating one person and fucking another you were cheating. Also none of this "take a break" shit either. This MyTake covers obvious boundaries but most cheating in dating is likely done in these stupid gray zones. People cheat all the time in varying degrees and bend the limits and rules so they feel better.

    Then it's a severity game: Sure you kissed that girl when you were drunk but that's not cheating! It's like basketball; you can take a few steps before it's traveling and that's actually a broken rule. Oh and yes, you admit you've been neglecting her for months or just outright ignoring her but she cheated emotionally with Mr. Gives-A-Fuck-She-Exists! And Many personal favorite of the compound problem ( which is Most cheating ) where a partner is committing some other wrong ( lying about money, neglect, emotional/physical abuse, drug use and abuse, power games and control, etc. ) BUT they cheated! Even after months and months of being ignored, gaslighted, stockholmed or worse! How COULD they!

    Come on. The dynamics of human infidelity are complex. I met a woman who cheated on her husband because he basically kept her locked in the house for 3 years after their marriage. She told me outright that she didn't regret it and it was the thing that helped her get a divorce. She's with her current husband, that lover who actually treated her like a human being, 20 years last year. They're in their 50s and happy.

    Summing human motivation up behind the reprehensible as "bad" is just foolish. Don't get me started on financial infidelity ( lying about money and resources ) which is no "crime" but often leaves families in even worse places including homeless.

  • Girls don't deserve a second chance but guys do.

    • because. . . ?

    • Because the guy had to work for the sex.

    • So why does that mean that a guy deserves a second chance?

    • Show All
  • I don't give cheaters a second chance, ever.

    Cheating is a deliberate choice you make.

  • Maybe.

  • Show More (7)