Don't Tell Me What to Wear, Tell Him How to Behave

Don't Tell Me What to Wear, Tell Him How to Behave

I come from a collectivistic culture and people are also very conservative here. It's India. The country with the most rapes, or otherwise now fondly called as 'Rape culture.'

I was dating a guy, one day he comes up to me to say that I should stop wearing shorts or anything semi- transparent. That was the day we started fighting.

I don't understand why men or anyone would advise a woman about what to wear but not walk up and tell a guy that he needs to behave. Is our society that ill-minded? If a woman gives up her choice and covers up, why can't a man cover his eyes and mouth?

When you go to a beach and you wear beach shorts and some men take pictures of you, I definitely got furious but I was scared to go to the police because I didn't know if they will harass me too. And to make it all more hard for me, the families sitting around did not give a shit about it and some were laughing at my uncovered legs.

Priyanka Chopra wearing a dress in front of the Prime minister became hot news over the whole country and people couldn't bare that shit. But please, people need to be sensible about the issues bothering our country.

When people have all the guts to tell a woman what to wear, how to talk, and all that why not walk up to fellow men and tell them to behave?

Stop stigmatizing children from birth. A girl needs to be gifted everything in pink and a boy in blue and girls with Barbies and guys with guns and cars. Seriously people? I was gifted guns and cars and I was gifted barbies too. I still remember I used to break the barbies hands and legs and throw it off. I loved the guns more. What's wrong? People tag me to be a tomboy now. Sorry! I was just brought up to be bold and embrace equality.

So when I talk about equality, to all the women around there who still think a guy should pay the bills and open the doors or he should propose to her please go back to BC. Grow up. When we talk about equality, it's in everything. Be bold to pay your own bills and buy a diamond. Be proud.

And the conservatism in my country, I don't really know if it does any good to anyone but I am definitely sure it does bad. We are being watched even when we talk to someone from the opposite culture. So the ideas of what is the opposite gender like is always in mind. So comes the rape culture. "We wanted to teach the girl a lesson as she was roaming at night" with a guy said an asshole, a rapist who inserted a rod in her vagina and was gang raped. This happened four years back and hence been something which was looked up by some rapists who followed doing the same to women.

I wish the youngsters had all the brains to stop bothering about why Priyanka Chopra wore a dress infront of the Prime minister rather try to behave!

Sincerely, a boiled up Indian woman who is scared of being raped when I go out or even when I am in my home locked up.

Don't Tell Me What to Wear, Tell Him How to Behave

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Most Helpful Guy

  • The only problem is that we don't really have control over somebody that's already decided the law isn't enough to stop him...

    At that point it comes down to the girl, the front line, to prevent the best she can

    • What are men doing to protect women?

    • @Warmapplecrumble It's not men's job to protect women. We should not have to sit around in a club and watch out for damsels about to get drugged Your life and well-being first and foremost relies on YOU, not others. You can encourage people to speak up and intervene if they see this happening, telling you that the drink is drugged and to get a new one, but it's not their job to do this. It's YOURS. Your body, your choice, your responsibility to keep it safe

    • Self-responsibility is sexist though.

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  • Oh for god's sake. Appearances DO matter and you can't get away with being judged when you're out in the public domain where there is people around. Anywhere that is not in the privacy of your own home cannot be a safe space where you can dress however you want because you feel like it. You will always be up for scrutiny.

    To remove this is to remove the right of freedom of thought and freedom of speech. Which all people are entitled to have.

    So if you dress like a slut, people will think you are a slut. It's tough. You can't do anything without being a control freak who doesn't value liberty. This is NOTHING to do with conservatism at all - it's the opposite. Giving them the right to speak their mind is protecting liberalism.

    Take some agency for your own actions -- you can't just defer the blame onto others for your own choices like that.

    I'd judge a man dressed inappropriately in public too. Like if he came in wearing only underwear. It's publicly indecent.

    This isn't victim blaming either so don't give me that bullshit. It's just being able to be held accountable. I would feel sorry for ANYONE who got raped - it's unforgivable. But it misses the heart of what I'm to just claim I am blaming victims.

    Men in our society know not to rape already and there is no rape culture. Stop with your shitty overgeneralisations and assuming this will ever fix the problem by asserting that men don't already know how to behave. As if they're infantile idiots who need mommy to tell them what to do all the time because you can't fucking cope with the idea that you need to be aware of yourself and defend yourself to a certain degree.

  • Nothing a woman wears gives any man the right to rape. Rape is just never acceptable under any circumstances. Men have raped women wearing anything and everything. Even if a woman sleeps naked or in her underwear and a rapist breaks into her house and rapes her, is that really her fault? If a man has it in him to rape and can't control himself he's going to do it regardless of what a woman is wearing. He may target somebody dressed less conservatively. But he's really going to take any opportunity that presents itself. Which can mean a random woman arriving home from the store at night taking her groceries in the house. It can be anyone. Although i do believe women should be careful and avoid situations that can potentially put them in danger, rape can happen at any time and almost anywhere. A man doesn't have to be provoked or tempted to rape. If he has it in him, he will do it. Men never have a right to rape somebody just because they're dressed sexy, ever. I believe if a woman really respects herself and wants other people to respect her she's not going to dress in a revealing way. That's just what i have learned. But that doesn't guarantee she won't be raped. And even that doesn't necessarily mean a guy will be respectful. I went out on a date recently dressed conservatively. The guy i was with still tried to put the moves on me even though nothing in our conversation was sexual. I didn't entice him or lead him to believe that anything sexual was going to happen. Our evening was mostly platonic except a few peck kisses here and there. He was a gentleman until the night ended. He didn't try to rape me but he did try to put his hands where he had no permission to do so. I was wearing jeans and a t shirt. the collar went up to my collar bone, (absolutely no cleavage) with stripes and a big gold anchor on the front. Extremely casual and the shirt was not tight
    It was definitely not something anyone would look at and say i was trying to get attention. Only my arms (from the mid-bicep down), neck/head and feet were exposed because i was wearing sandals. I don't think this guy was a rapist, but im saying that what you wear doesn't necessarily make a difference on whether a guy will try to get some.

  • I agree that people (regardless of gender) need to be taught what tape is, why it's wrong, and how obtain proper consent from their partners. Education and awareness are very important. However, that doesn't mean that victims (again, regardless of gender) don't have a responsibility to watch out for themselves. I'm not saying that wearing revealing clothes means you're asking to be raped. I will never agree with that. But that doesn't mean you should go wandering alone into dark alleys, and then act surprised if something happens to you. Most rapists aren't just confused little boys who were taught that it's okay to rape a woman if she's showing her cleavage. Most rapists know that what they're doing is wrong, and they don't care.

  • You can't teach a rapist not to rape. Rape is not about arousal and sex, it's about control and sadism. It's about the rapists getting off on hurting you and he will want to do so, whether you're marching around naked, or covered in a burka. Rapists are men with deranged capacity for empathy: like sociopaths and narcissists. And believe me, there are a lot more of them than one might think. (about 1 in 15 people, in countries with recent war, more) Only in healthy societies these monsters are so severely punished, it doesn't pay to ever try and rape a woman, while in sick societies, they are treated as poor horny men unable to control themselves and are not punished enough.
    DON'T PROMOTE THIS SICK MESSAGE BECAUSE IT IS INCORRECT AND CAUSES MORE RAPE. You can't teach a man not to rape, because a normal man does not have to be taught and a sick man can't be taught, only scared with prison.

    • Agree, but i think its lower than 1 in 15

    • @lord_chilled No it isn't. It just looks like it because not all men with urge and potential to rape do so, just like not all pedophiles molest children. In the same manner, the number of pedophiles in a population is about 3 times higher than the number of registered child molesters.

    • I know more than 15 men very personally. I dont think i have met anyone who would be capable of rape. And what do you think the ratio is for women?

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  • Hey, the guy was just giving you advice. Good advice, I would think. Why jump on him?

  • I feel like I'm on the fence here.
    If a girl is wearing a top REALLY low cut and a pushup bra, or shorts so short you can see her butt cheeks, i can't help but roll my eyes when she says guys should control themselves.
    However, shorts and sheer tops etc. Totally fine.
    There's clothes that are made to look provocative. You don't see strippers dancing around in shorts and a singlet. It's usually super short hot pants and a super tight, low cut singlette. Catch my feelings?
    Either way, of course no one deserves to be sexually harassed. And yes, I'm the first person to lecture anyone on why we should teach boys that women aren't objects. But we also need to teach girls that they aren't objects either. That they don't need to dress and act a certain way in order to attract boys.
    Shorts are fine. But you can't tell me that a little bit of extra fabric on the hem to cover your butt smiley and the curve of your upper thighs makes THAT much of a difference in hot weather.
    It's just social standards. Yeah, fuck the system, whatever. But please don't cry harassment when a guy gets the wrong idea about you. I give guys a funny look if i see one in the supermarket topless, too. Guys can dress like "fuckboys" and my brain automatically tells me not to bother with him because he's obviously a manwhore.

    • E. x. a. c. t. l. y 👌 that's what i also said, glad to see I'm not the only one xD

  • I personally think we should wear things that don't give any chance to guys to look or say anything AND at the same time teach guys how to behave.
    Its not only guys' fault. Yes, its not right for them to hit on any girl coz that's plain stupid and pathetic. But that's why I'm saying we should also not allow any chances of that. I can't go walk in the streets with shooort shorts that are nearly showing my a$$ and with a transparent shirt that's making everything visible yet expect no comments from no guy at all. I honestly can't imagine that happening. (btw, that was just an example, not referring to what you wear, its just to make people understand what i mean).

    To sum this up, we need to teach guys how to behave and be more respectful but at the same time i think we can't go out with barely any clothes on and then expect 0 comments from some guy in the streets.

    • Oh and stop it with the "teach men not to rape" thing please coz that's same as saying "stop terrorists from killing and bombing innocent people"... you can't really teach them that now can you? Exactly, you can't. It doesn't have any race. Same goes for raping. And you do realize that woman also can rape don't you? So its not *exclusively * something related to *only* men.

  • So its wrong of them to tell you how to behave but we should go and tell them how to behave? That doesn't make sense. If your wearing something semi transparent, guess what? That's inappropriate. Would we tolerate a man wearing something like that? Would we allow a man to wear next to nothing? No. So why is it that women get to? Here in America women are complaining about this all the time, that they are being unfairly called out because they are wearing shorts that cover less then their underwear does yet we see no one saying men can do that. Its called being appropriate. Wear some clothes, make sure its not overly revealing, no men are not allowed to wear these things, hell imagine if a man wore next to nothing in public what would happen? What would happen if children where present do you think it would be acceptable? No. Its called being an adult. As for india having the highest rates of rape, no they don't, they have the highest reported numbers of rape i. e. many of them are false as thus far no one prosecutes women who make false rape claims so its an easy way of getting sympathy or getting out of difficult situations. Also the fact that rape laws are not gender neutral should really tell you what kind of country it really is (i. e. women are pandered to not discriminated). Granted I can only go based off the laws that I know and my and others interactions with female Indians (my friend despises them since all of them have a princess complex from being pandered to so often). In short act like an adult not a spoiled brat and your problems will solve themselves. But I do like how you play the victim while blaming all men, its funny how that works, everything benefits women they can do what ever they want without impunity yet some how men are still to blame for everything. Lets tell women to behave and men to behave instead. Lets tell every adult that they should act like an adult and I think we would see a huge drop in most of our problems.

  • Good day, neighbour! Pakistani here. We have a similar, if not same, issue with people telling women how to look/behave/dress. Honestly, this is an archaic concept, and frankly if I feel offended by someone's clothing (which I don't), I would just ignore it. It's none of my business what anyone else does. Gone are the days when women used to be treated as objects rather than human beings. It's time to move forward. We must be proud of the fact that the free world has taken steps towards gender equality, and try to implicate it into our own cultures. I wish you the best, neighbour!

    • Thanks ! For one time a guy understands what i wanted to convey.

  • Okay, so if we tell all the guys to keep their noodle in their pants, does that solve the problem? No more rapes? Let's have a celebration!

    No, that does not solve the problem. By your philosophy, you should be able to walk in the streets naked and feel absolutely safe and in no danger of being assaulted. Would you do that? Why not?

    People telling you to dress sensibly does not mean that they are excusing rapists for their behavior. They are simply saying, "You know there is a problem, the way you can dress can entice a guy." That doesn't mean that they are blaming you if you get raped but. . . when a lady dresses in a certain way and we say that she looks "sexy," what does that mean? If you dress sexy, you are dressing to draw the opposite sex's attention to your body.

    If you can do something to prevent a crime and keep yourself safe, why wouldn't you take that precaution? Are you too stubborn to admit that it is reasonable to take precautions?

    • BS man. A woman should have a right to dress however she feels like and feel safe. All these freaking pervs and rapist need to be put to death.

    • @Hispanic-Cool-Guy You are talking about the way the world SHOULD BE and I am talking about the way IT REALLY IS. Yes, I agree that is the way the world should be. We know that it isn't that way, right? If you had a 14 year old daughter, would you tell her to walk down the street in just her panties because she SHOULD have the right to do that?

  • I don't agree with any culture that allows the boys to act like animals while the girls are expected to be conservative shit takers. What is the end game of this? All I know is it is culture. There's a reason the push of Islam in Europe has noticeable spikes in rape and random violence where they've arrived. There in india, from what I'm reading, you have Hindus which love to rape even more than Islamic cultures.

    in my opinion, it all starts from childhood where the idea of a woman being somehow less of a human than the boy is thought... it has results in adulthood. I mean a woman shouldn't dress like a street hooker and not expect to be stared at or cat called... but she shouldn't expect to be raped and no decent man would want to rape.

    • Its bs man. Lived there for 7 years never heard of a single rape in my city or two cities closest around. If there was actually a "rape culture" id think they boys would have called me up for a Friday night of getting drunk and doin some rapin'. These are just exaggerations. When something happens it immediately goes on the media and and shocks everyone. No one supports these things. But the media does make it look like this is more common than it is, when its not. What is true tough is that there is a culture thats a bit too conservative regarding relations between men and women and its kinda hurting both genders. This needs to change.. And younger generation does want to, but the elders just keep showing their beliefs down our throats, men and women. But dont believe the media hype

    • And sorry about misspells, omission of words and double usage , i wrote that a bit too quick 😂😂

  • Rape is never OK. Whomever tries to justify it is entirely wrong. That should be an agreeance upon all of humanity who aren't completely evil inside.

    There will always be people in the world that look around and judge others. That's something that will never be gotten rid of and is something that we must understand. However, judging someone and then actually speaking about it is another thing. With men in India, I can't fully understand their reasoning, but it's more of an old way of thinking. Rather than a line of thinking that is up to date with western ideals for how woman should be allowed to dress.

    The thing that I think needs to be clear. Is that there is a difference between those women showing skin by how's she's dressed and those who wear such little clothing. That it's hard to distinguish between them and a downtown prostitute.

    If a woman wants to wear a dress and it's within the realm of not trying to be seen as a call girl. Then I'm all for it. There's nothing wrong with a girl wearing a sundress, cocktail dress, short ballroom dress, or just your basic short shorts. As long as they are wearing the clothes for themselves and not trying to sway the average males eyes towards their direction due to being insecure. Then I don't see why anyone would complain.

    A lot of the Middle East, and some Asian countries are having a difficult time keeping up with today's generations and the changes that are being made. With equality between races and sexes becoming more and more of a thing in western cultures. Those who do not follow suit, are left with having to deal with the resistance of merging cultures.

    In the end, rape is wrong and that's that. It may take a long while for countries like India to be able to change, but as long as the new generations are up for the task. I believe things can get better for women over there.

  • "To all the women around there who still think a guy should pay the bills and open the doors or he should propose to her... Grow up. When we talk about equality, it's in everything. Be bold to pay your own bills and buy a diamond. Be proud."

    I don't give a shit about opening doors, but if the woman has to pay half the bills, then the man better be doing half the unpaid household labor.

    Too often "women have to pay half the bills" so they have to do as much paid labor in the workforce, yet still do most of the housework.

  • agree

  • Although I generally agree that it is everyone's responsibility to behave well, you can't exactly expect good behaviour from anyone when dressing in a provocative manner. That's kind of like expecting to not getting mugged when you walk through the ghetto in an expensive suit.

    • Still doesn't give the authority to blame the girl only. The guts I'll mentally is to be blamed.

    • True, but she should also be more careful.

    • Wearing shorts is being incautious now?

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  • I'm sorry you have to put up with this. I've heard stories about how backward India is, especially to its own female population. If a child is conceived, and it turns out to be a girl, there's a possibility the child will be aborted. Then there's the rape gangs. The authorities rarely do anything about these rape cases, unless the case is under a microscope, in which case they HAVE to do something.

    Some Indian men will marry a girl for the sole purpose of getting a big dowry (car, money, or whatever), then divorce the girl, or beat her.

    They're actually destroying their own world. Women should be loved and treated with respect.

  • There is a word called ''Temptation''. This is mostly produced by a women, and most of the men would give in, unless they got high mental concentration against it.
    Beauty of a women can bring the demise for a men. Thus, you can't tell a men how to behave, unless your stops giving him temptation.

  • I'm from Bangladesh and I can totally understand you and relate to you.

    Except I kinda believe, to each your own. Both women and men should be modest, with their clothes and their gaze. Mom literally screams at me for not wearing a dupatta even at home and no one bats an eye when my brother is shirtless. At least be should put a decent t-shirt on cuz mom says "what if you stay without your dupatta and someone arrives?"

    Fucking hell. I'll teach my sons modesty too. We're humans.

  • I think this logic is stupid. By no means am I advocating despicable and perverted behavior within men, but wearing booty shorts or a tight dress designed to accentuate your ass in a sexual way is ridiculously stupid if you're not looking for that attention. You're attracting these types of men who will act perverted towards you. If you don't want the attention, then simply don't dress like that. If you provoke and advertise yourself too much one day, you might just have a guy grope you or even rape you.

    Again, I don't approve of that and I would love to have all of those kinds of men locked up... but don't advertise yourself in that way and you won't have those issues. It's as simple as that. I wish it were a perfect world where you can do all of that with no repercussions but it's not.

    There's also such thing as being appropriate. When I took my girlfriend to first meet my parents, she wasn't wearing a tight dress or skanky mini skirt. When my girlfriend picks me up from security gigs in the hood, I tell her to cover up for obvious reasons.

    I personally like it when my girlfriend has all the eyes on her but I can understand that other guys don't. That doesn't make the guy insecure if he doesn't want his girlfriend or significant other being on display in a sexual way when in a monogamous relationship. You should have enough respect for the guy to realize that.

    In all, it just seems like you're trying to prove a point in a victim mentality. The reality is that most men are pretty rational when it comes to this. Like anything else, approach with moderation and rationality.

    • Disagree. I went out on a date recently dressed conservatively. The guy i was with still tried to put the moves on me even though nothing in our conversation was sexual. I didn't entice him or lead him to believe that anything sexual was going to happen. Our evening was mostly platonic except a few peck kisses here and there. He was a gentleman until the night ended. He didn't try to rape me but he did try to put his hands where he had no permission to do so. I was wearing jeans and a t shirt. the collar went up to my collar bone, (absolutely no cleavage) with stripes and a big gold anchor on the front. Extremely casual and the shirt was not tight it was definitely not something anyone would look at and say i was trying to get attention. Only my arms (from the mid-bicep down), neck/head and feet were exposed because i was wearing sandals. I don't think this guy was a rapist, but im saying that what you wear doesn't necessarily make a difference.

    • I had never been sexual with him before and after that show of disrespect, i decided i didn't want to hang out again.

    • @Herxlncy Guys will make their moves regardless. However, guys are more than likely to be sexually aggressive when you present yourself in a sexual way. Your one story doesn't transcend basic logic.

  • There is one problem with most women: they care too much about what others think.

    Why does it matter what he thinks or say? If he doesn't like it, tell him to take a hike.

    At the same time, women need to be aware that men are human and they act how they wanted too!!! If you wear a bikini in public then some guys will take your photos, secretly or otherwise. Why does it matter anyway? If you don't like it then wear the bikinis at home in a very dark room.

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