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Safe Words: How Do I Get My Partner to Dominate Me in Bed?

Safe Words: How Do I Get My Partner to Dominate Me in Bed?

This and questions like it appear very frequently on GAG so I’m sharing #myTake. Note: In this take, Dom is the dominant person in the scene and sub is the submissive, also, I’ve chosen the male as the Dom.

Safe Words: How Do I Get My Partner to Dominate Me in Bed?

I suggest you set up a couple of safe words. These words, which should not be words that will normally show up during sex, are a signal to the Dom from the sub. One safe word is to let the Dom know that the sub is close to her limit at the moment and the Dom shouldn't up the intensity for a minute while the sub adjusts to what's happening. Mercy works well for a lot of people. The other safe word is to stop the scene immediately. If the sub is fearful of getting injured or things go a little too far, use this safe word. Red Light is another suggestion.

Responsible & Respectable Use of Safe Words

There are some responsibilities surrounding safe words and their use: The sub won't use the safe words unless the sub really needs to, especially the stop safe word. It will kill the scene and the mood which is okay if the sub is genuinely fearful. The other assumption is that the Dom will honor the safe words immediately even if the Dom disagrees.

Benefits of Safe Words

By establishing and honoring the safe words, the Dom can get much more physical and not worry since you now have ways to stay in control of the scene. It sort of is his cave man license, i.e. he can go all cave man on you knowing that if you really need to slow things down you can. Remind the Dom that "no" and "stop" are no longer in effect and are just for the scene. No safe word, keep going. Manhandle her sweet ass.

Consent is Key

Last but most importantly, the Dom must be absolutely crystal clear that his domination is based on the consent of the sub so if the sub withdraws her consent at any time, the Dom is no longer in control and it's back to real life where no means no and stop means stop.

Enjoy!

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Well, given that I lived as a real life sex slave (zero consent) and now I love being a masochist, let me say a few things:

    The most gifted master I have ever known, never uses a safeword. Going Caveman? Letting him lose control of himself? because you'll use a safeword?

    Sorry, but this sounds like people who have no done enough homework.

    This master (known by many on a variation of Dragon) feels anyone who does not know what they are doing, should not BE doing. Yes, we all must build experience. I was beaten brutally by men who had no clue as to what they were doing. There were times it took weeks for me to heal. I had to heal my own mind, though years later discovered I was not as healed as I imagined.

    Study anatomy, study the body, know first aid, understand physical and emotional stress and Pay Attention.

    Now this article sounds like it is for people playing dressup and playing with dolls. The men who dominate me, Dragon at the top of this list, do not play, they do not scene. What they do is dominate. It is real. It has force and it takes your mind away.

    Anything less would be like eating a picture of a chocolate bar.

Most Helpful Guy

  • I don't like the whole dom/sub thing. I prefer to think of it as two goal-driven co-conspirators offering two-way feedback in hot pursuit of a common goal. Achievement of the goal, and teamwork value, should be the gold standard. Not power struggles/relations. Did the train make it through the tunnel just fine? Then what difference is there in who was the conductor?

    • Thanks for you feedback. There's a sizable number of us out here who find a power exchange during sex to be very erotic and fulfilling. It's certainly not for everybody but for those who find it to their liking, this Take is some ideas for how to do that safely.

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What Girls & Guys Said

6 4

  • I'm more dominant and one time I was on top of my boyfriend kissing him and I went to bite at his neck and ear and he shyly said "I like it when you are a bit rough" and then got all embarrassed. But inside I was like "SCOREEE!!!"

    • A femdom in the making. I hope you helped him get over being embarrassed and took him again. Heck, he may want to be pegged before it's all over.

    • I don't know how I feel about strap ons I don't need to rely on a phallic thingy to be dominant

    • Pegging isn't so much about you in this case but more about you. He clearly is looking for a bit of sadism mixed with some serious dominance. Are you familiar with CBT?

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  • I think the problem lies more in the fact that one partner wants to either be dominant or to be dominated and the other partner does not. How do you persuade your partner to then try something he/she does not really feel comfortable doing, without hurting them (not physically)?

    • That situation is really one of sexual incompatibility. For example, I'm a 100% top and if she's not comfortable submitting consistently, we aren't going to work. That said, this My Take was really about using safe words so the Dom could be sure that he wasn't doing things the sub didn't want even though she may resist, say stop or cry out no.

    • I was more thinking of your title "How do I get my partner to dominate me in bed?". If he doesn't want to dominate, I don't think safe words will be the thing that will turn him around.

    • You're absolutely right. That said, I have a friend that was convinced he's 100% vanilla but he and his wife have started having sex again after a long hiatus and he's found that she likes to be spanked and sodomized and is talking about bondage. Slowly but surely he's finding he's into it. The point is that even if he's not into it right away, he may get there. However, there are men out there who either don't want to dominate. There are also a very large number of submissive men in the world.

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  • How about in the situation where the Female is the Dom? anything for that?

    • The same rules and processes apply. Just the genders switch. Do you disagree?

    • nope... definitely not...

  • very true... in a funny way my safe word is cheerios... lol
    but it I am tied down and I can't talk 3 tabs will do. for people to open up to this level is all about trust 100%. I trust you to stop when I ask you to and not harm me when I am tied down or leave me. Also it might help to know the off limit parts and level of pain you can resist

    • You're absolutely right! It's all about trust. With that trust, the Dom takes on a big responsibility. I feel it keenly when I'm in scenes and she's helpless and completely at my mercy. That said, I also love that her ass is MINE!!

    • Smile... so true

  • Loved it, however I don't like the idea of safe words... I prefer allowing him to do as he pleases. Maybe I'm just weird. Haha.

    • I get what you're saying. Imagine a scene like this: you're being disciplined, restrained over a spanking bench, and he's using a strap or cane on you. You probably love to struggle and cry out and tell him to stop. But he needs a way to know that you're so scared you need to stop and talk about it. That's where a safe word comes into play.

    • See, that's what I like, but when I say stop id like for him to actually do it harder. Not stopping until he cums, ya know? *blush*

    • Messaging...

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  • I am a female and I can be very dominant when I feel like it...

    • You go girl!!! I'm an equal opportunity writer. I've been in the scene long enough to know there are some very wicked Dommes out there. Beaten anyone lately?

  • If you are a dominate women, then it will be hard for him to dominate you. Or you both enjoy switching. His he also dominate in bed and around the house? Do you take control? If you do, he will be happy with this, and mostly let you take the lead. Try different things, like getting him to tie you up, tease you, use toys etc.

    • Lord knows there are plenty of dominant (not the difference) women out there, some of them much more cruel than us male pussies. It's all about how one's wired.

  • Great article. I agree about the safe words and consent.

    • Thanks for the comment.

  • Ask him to take full control... you may have to swallow his cum first:-) :-) :-)

    • That's kind of a given in my book. To spit is very disrespectful, yes?

  • This id really beneficial, i love to be dominated , its a real turn on for me. I once dated a guy who totally lost control and scared me, he wouldn't stop, i couldnt breath, i thought i was going to die. The more i told him to stop the more rough he became. Afterwards he said he thought i was telling him to stop because i wanted him to force himself on me, as though being raped. So this take has really gave me great insight, i would never have thought of using a safe word. Thanks for this, its appreciated more than you could know.

    • I'm so glad to help. I hope you find a gentleman beast (like me) who will, when the clothes start coming off, tell you, "Your ass is mine! Get over here wench!!" You'd hate that, right?

    • Haha dont talk like that to me your turning me on, im so horny no!!! I love being dominated, and sex rough!

    • " now*

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