Sexual Relationships 
Sexual Health 
THE PSYCHO
GOOD TIMES: Prior to slowly realizing she was a nutcase, she was pretty pleasant--and definitely on the top five list of great girls you dated. She let you do whatever you wanted--as long as you texted her about it. All the time. Poker nights with the boys were punctuated by her sudden appearance at the 11PM mark. Sunday lunches with your family were marked by her casually showing up with a boxed cake for your mom. You tell yourself that you must be such an awesome boyfriend because she wanted to be with you. All the time. You didn't mind-she just wanted to have sex (but with extra cuddling!) All the time, anyway.
THEN THE INEVITABLE HAPPENED: You finally acknowledge the noose around your neck that time she showed up at that birthday party you intended. With a deranged glint in her eye, she asked you why you weren't replying to her texts . With a look of relief on your face, you realize it's over--and no time like the present to ditch her, right?
TODAY, SHE EXISTS: Wrong, it has been a year and you're still receiving mysterious missed calls from an unknown number. She magically appears at the edges of parties and clubs you go to, where she alternately gives you the stink eye and flirts madly with you. You have to explain to all your common friends that no, she did not catch me having a threesome with two other men, and no, she wasn't the one who broke up with me because i wanted to be with her all the time, and no, my penis is quite fine, thank you, it isn't afflicted with some rare skin disease like she said. It's exhausting and you're terrified because you're sure you saw her sitting by the edge of your bed when you woke up one night...
THE STEPFORD GIRLFRIEND
GOOD TIMES: You guys were just so cute, you carried her teeny-tiny bag around the mall; she bought matching shirts, watches, and bracelets; she packed you lunchboxes with Post-its inside reminding you to drink the vitamins she put in a little Ziploc bag for you. She reminded you, comfortingly, of your mom.
THEN THE INEVITABLE HAPPENED: She reminded you, not comfortingly, of your mom. The look on her face when you got an undercut hairdo. The insistence that you pick her up from a spa day with the girls just so she could see you for five minutes. The endless passive-aggressive comments about when exactly you would be proposing to her...At this point, getting the hell out of her soft, perfectly polished clutches consumed all your energy.
TODAY, SHE EXISTS: As your regular Saturday-night booty call when you're bored and have nothing (or no one) to do. She thinks you're getting back together. You think she's gaining a bit of weight and tell her. She goes on a diet, and then thinks you're getting back together...
THE NOW-BFF
GOOD TIMES: Super cool chick you met at some party in college becomes your super cool girlfriend. She doesn't mind your sloppy fashion sense, lets you copy her homework, and accompanies you to all those weird, underground band gigs you felt were cool at the time. Your friends love her, but the little succubus devil over your shoulder is whispering that there are many more good lays waiting for you out there...
THEN THE INEVITABLE HAPPENED: Testosterone wins and soon you're explaining how you should "see other people" and hoping her super-coolness means she'll take in stride. Surprisingly, she does, and after a few terse text messages and a few months of avoiding each other at parties, you realize you miss her, in a we-could-be-buddies kind of way. So, back in the group of common friends she soon goes, as you explain to skeptical friends how it's all platonic now. Although legend has it she still has your photo framed beside her bed.
TODAY SHE EXISTS: As the can-you-believe-we-ever-dated friend and the token girl that all your succeeding girlfriends become jealous of at first. At beach trips, you still catch yourself stealing glances at her in her bikini and feel a bit of pride that you tapped that--and curse the fact that she's so much hotter now that she got curvier and got thatt shoulder tattoo.
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