Sexual Relationships
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My girlfriend thinks i raped her. How do i comfort her?

Ok so one Friday me and my girlfriend were messing around in bed but she wasn't full ready i guess. I was rock hard solid, i asked her if she wanted to. She said kiss me a little more first. So i go and start kissing here, but while I'm kissing her, my member ends up slipping in. So we are having sex at that point. She stops like 10 minutes later and doesn't want me to touch her. We go two weeks without sex. We talk about it and iron it all out. Then things are normal. A year goes by fastfarword to today. She brings up how i have traumatized her. I say she has traumatized me to whenever i look at those abused post i think about it. She says i'm not joking i really felt like that and hangs up the FaceTime call we were on. I try to call her back she hangs it up. She text me and tells me to leave her alone for now. I say until when and put a sad face and send her a cute picture of a dog. What should i do to comfort her about this issue?
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Most Helpful Girls

  • She wasn't ready to have sex, that much is clear. This is a tough position for you boys though, because most of the time you have to initiate the first few times with a woman, so it's hard to know where the line is between initiating and forcing.

    In my opinion, you didn't rape her or force her. But, you were also probably so turned on that you weren't reading the cues that she wasn't fully into it yet, which is why she was telling you to wait and do other things first. That's what she's upset over, and she's upset that she didn't speak up, and she's upset that it wasn't the way she wanted it.

    All you can do at this point is remind yourself that you did not rape her, but also let her talk about it, vent, and reassure her that her feelings matter. Keep letting her know that you would have never moved forward if you knew she wasn't ready, how special she is to you, etc etc.

    Just be gentle with her. Like I said, I don't believe you forced her, but the important thing is that it made her feel that way. Validating her feelings will help her to move past it. If she can't, you both may need to decide to go your separate ways because she can't let go.

  • There's an situation that exists that guys don't really become tuned into until they're older, I think. We can feel violated without being legally raped when a guy pushes through the sexual boundaries we've set. I think even men can feel this way, but they're even more confused because the sexual activity feels good to them. A young guy who has tried to say no several times to a girl who was coming into him but keeps rubbing on his goods while he just fits there, for example. He may give in because he feels pressured and is hard, but he doesn't feel exactly good about it.

    She gave you pretty clear cut signals that she wasn't ready to go. I've never accidentally been penetrated. I've never been "accidentally" penetrated, honestly. Own up to the fact that you pushed past her boundaries. Apologies and tell her you misunderstood and never meant to harm her. And then let her share her feelings without arguing with her. Just waiting to make your case instead of paying attention is kind of how this happened to begin with. Real intimacy is being honest when it's hard.

  • that was rape in itself because she wanted sex with you she just wanted a bit more kissing first, if what you say is true down to the last detail then she is over reacting or has something hidden in her past that made her panic and not dare to say no im not ready yet. was it her first time with you?

    • wasn't rape*

    • Wasn't the first time, This was after we had made love a bunch of times. Just this time she felt that she wasn't fully ready and felt like i forced her into it. That i didn't care about how she felt that i just forced my way in. She told me the details when we ironed it all out.

    • yeah she is completely in the right then and you should apologise properly and tell her you'll never ignore her for your own gain again. it really hurts when we aren't ready and we are emotional so if we say we aren't ready yet then you ignore us and do it anyway we immediatley analyze it and come up with 20 different reasons why you did it foremost would be that you dont care about our feelings, dont care about hurting us, only want to get yourself off, dont love us, think we are a whore, we dont matter, you'll do this again and again, we can't trust you now, is this what i deserve? am i worthless? etc this is totally your fault and could have traumatisized her because now she has zero trust and zero confidence in you but i wouldn't put a rape label on it

Most Helpful Guys

  • Is this your first time having sex with her?

    If it is not the first time, I would seriously recommend you dump her ASAP. If you two have been having sex regularly, and she claims rape now, she has some serious mental/psychological issues or very severe emotional baggage. The type of severe emotional baggage that no man wants to deal with.

    While a girl has every right to say no, when in a relationship, it's pretty unacceptable to claim you were raped by your boyfriend for having sex the 100th time.

    I'm sure some female libs will say be furious by that comment, and claim "Rape is rape. When a girl says no, and you do it, it's rape", I call bullshit. If this rule applies to girls, then it should apply to guys too.

    Sometimes, I come home to a horny girlfriend, but refuse to have sex because I'm not in the mood. If I'm taking a nap, and she suddenly wakes me up and mounts me, I don't freak out and tell everybody she raped me.

    If I did, both men and women would wonder wtf is wrong with me.

    If I don't want it from my girlfriend, I'll simply roll over onto my stomach and fart in her face.

  • As much as I empathize with your point of view (and I really do), rape is in the eye of the raped. I'm guessing there's a lot more going on here than you know or probably want to know. I know blue balls is no fun but just wait her out. When she'll finally see you, I suggest not even touching her beyond a chase diss. Sit down across from her, ask her what's really going on and SHUT UP! I know the desire to fill the void is almost irresistible. That's a lot of how cops get people to confess: silence. Just wait until she talks. Don't go when you're tired, sleepy or upset so you can stay focused and alert. Listen very carefully to what she say but more carefully to what she's not saying. John Gray says in Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus that the most important thing in the world to a woman is to be heard. I have found that to be sage, relationship saving advice. You might read the book. It's not gospel but is pretty enlightening.

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What Girls & Guys Said

8 5

  • The thing is, it might have really traumatized her.
    I lived something a bit similar, I wasn't as traumatized as your girlfriend because we talked about it with my boyfriend, we had a long conversation and I didn't overthink it for a year like your girlfriend. We were having sex, I told him I wasn't ready yet, I wasn't wet enough and he still did it. My problem was that on that moment, he didn't care that I wasn't wet enough and that it could hurt, he was horny and couldn't wait.

    When you did that, you didn't think about her. When a woman is not ready, it can't hurt and we don't get pleasure out of it, it's uncomfortable so the only advise is first your apologize and then you talk to her to understand her point of view.

    • Yeah we talked about it after it happened. I said in the main post that we talked about it Two weeks later. We were all good back to making love and I made sure I never went in even slipped in unless she said she was down.she says whenever she hears things about rape, she remembers and it makes her think. Also this new problem happened because we haven't had sex in three weeks. We only have one day we can a week, Monday. She was tired so I just tried to make her feel good with oral. So I asked about it and she was saying IG she isn't feeling it she won't let me get close to her. Then she brought up what I said in the main post.

  • She's over reacting. She's lucky you care enough to even talk about this honestly I think the way she's treating you is wrong! She's making you feel guilty doesn't she get that this might change the way you do things with her? She's playing the victim card way to hard. You did not rape her. If she wasn't ready she should have stopped you from the start not 10 min later not even a min later ! Right away! Don't feel bad. Give her space when she comes back you need to voice how this has mad you feel also because that's not okay. There's two people in this relationship who have feelings not just one ! She's being selfish when it comes to ur feelings not thinking about how u r feeling.

    • That's true. She doesn't care that practically calling you a rapist when you evidently think you did nothing wrong might upset you.

  • I would just give her time. But, first-- I would tell her that you are extremely sorry and you feel like shit. And, you would do anything to take back what happened that night. Tell her that you didn't know what you were doing that you thought everything was okay.

    The best way to tell her all of this, is to send her something really sweet. Drop it off, or have it delivered to her work/school/house. Get her a teddy, flowers, and some chocolates or something. In the note, just simply write: "I am sorry :(" Then, after you know that she has received the gift, I would text her saying the rest.
    After that, give her space. Don't text her anymore. Just wait.

  • You tripped and stuck your dick in her? Come on man. You asked, she said later and then you took. You were supposed to ask again. You'll be lucky if she doesn't press charges.

    Guys, ALWAYS make CERTAIN you've got her consent before you stick anything in a girl's hoo ha...unless you want Bubba for a cell mate.

  • A penis does not accidently slip in, ever. At the same time, I don't think that was rape. She said she wanted sex and she didn't try to stop you for 10 mins? If that's how it happened, it wasn't rape. You still should recognize you were wrong and if she had any feelings of not being ready, you should stop. If she 'wants to kiss more' then kiss until she tells you to go for it or makes it happen some way. That's the best way to handle it.

  • there is nothing you can do but give her , her space. and how does you dick just slip in? lol

    • when you're super hard and you are kissing and ontop of a women it slips in lol. Happens a lot of times. I don't even guide it. She is wet and I'm hard and it goes.

    • well all you can do is give her , her space

  • Shit mate.. I have no idea, maybe give her space. If your account of what happened is true though I would say there is something lurking in her background you are unaware of.

  • id break up with her..

  • "stops 10 minutes later" not rape. Dump her.

  • it can slip in by accident. it happens when people are parallel and the man is hard. it's normal. if this is rape i've been raped many times.

    • Word

    • it's almost like a magnet

  • Come on your kissing and it just slips in who are you trying to kid? She said no and you had sex with her against her will. The only thing I wonder is why she waited till now? Best to have no contact.

  • A year later she decides it was rape? First of all, it was not rape and if she genuinely thought so, she wouldn't have taken a year to bring it up to you - she would've left you. She allowed you to have sex with her for 10 minutes before stopping you. It appears she didn't even tell you to stop or pull it out the moment you put it in. If she had, I'm sure you would've stopped. She's probably come across something about rape recently and is just causing drama. Girls can be so pathetic nowadays. If that "traumatized" her, she needs to man up. I'm pretty sure I was anally raped by a partner (I actually said no, physically pushed him away and tried not to cry) and I've been sexually abused by family members. I'm not fucking traumatized, I just have mental health issues. She needs to sort her shit.

  • Jesus Christ! She's just being a drama queen! If she really though you raped her (which by the way I don't think you did) she you've been more scared about having sex with you and probably ended it! You didn't drug her and force her to sleep with you! I mean I know I will sometimes want to stop in the middle of sex for whatever reason, but I don't tell my husband to stop. I know how upset I would be if my husband all the sudden in the middle of sex when I was almost about to cum wanted to stop, I would be highly upset with him! It would be different if you was hurting her or something but that's not the case, she just wanted to stop. I feel like it's rude 😕

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