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My boyfriend had an abortion with his ex?

I have been lucky enough to never have to have one. My boyfriend was not so lucky His ex girlfriend lied, and said she had a coil. She got pregnant and then kept saying she had the flu, or food poisoning, and wore baggier clothes to try and cover it up. Eventually when he made her take a test, he found out she definitely was. So he freaked thinking her and the baby would be at risk because of the coil, took her to the doctor and did an ultra sound. She had no coil, and to make matters worse she was 18 weeks along. She had kept it from him for months, trying to trap him. He was still in training for the army, still in classes and couldn't be the father he wanted to be. He was also wrestling over the fact that somehow a coil "must of fallen out and she didn't notice" as she said (which by the way I have the same thing she claimed to have and I know it's there, you can't mistake it) So she got an abortion and used that as guilt to get him to stay with her. But her lies kept adding up, he couldn't stay. Fast forward to the present. He is with me, and its taken him years to put that past him. To even begin to forgive himself. It still haunts his relationship with his parents who he told. He's been open about his past with me, and we've discussed it before. But for very obvious reasons he doesn't want to talk about this very much, not too detailed and not for a long time (conversation wise) We are planning a family of our own. Has anyone had experience with having and abortion with one partner and later living happily and having kids with another? Or been the new partner to someone who had one in their past. I worry all of our experiences in the future with children won't shine as brightly for him, that he will think of the baby he was almost trapped into having with an insane woman. What can I do?
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Most Helpful Guys

  • I've been the guy that got the letter she wrote as she was returning from an out of town abortion. It was a shock and she and I have talked about it a few times. It happened a long time ago. I still wonder what the child would have been like but I am past blaming either of us. Given our situation at the time, I was nowhere near ready for a child so it was the right decision and if she'd involved me in the process, I'm confident we'd have ended up in the same place.

    He needs to forgive his ex and himself. If he can't, he needs some counseling to get his head on straight.

    • He's definitely on his way to forgiving himself. I don't think he will ever forgive his ex. She said she was on birth control all the while she was trying to get pregnant in order to trap him. I'm not even sure she deserves forgiveness. Purposefully trying to trap someone into being with you is not only cruel to the man but to the child.

    • I agree but until he forgives her he'll never be available for an truly intimate relationship, IMHO. We all make mistakes and need to be forgiven. That doesn't mean he forgets or ever talks to her again, etc. It just means he gets his anger off his plate so there's room for you.

  • A few of my exes had abortions. And I've been trapped going on twice now... is there a happy ever after? Who knows. I font think this will have to much impact on your life once you actually have kids in the picture

    • I just feel so helpless in this. It's his battle and only his. I know for a fact beyond a shadow of a doubt, if I got accidentally pregnant he would want it. He's told me, and more recently he's been able to freely talk about "our" kids. I guess it's just a slow process

    • These things take a long time to heal that's for sure. I understand where you're coming from. It is both of yours though since you are together

    • I just keep trying to be supportive.

    • Show All

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • Honestly, that would really fuck me up. I've taken many lives as a soldier first and now as a security contractor, but that was all in combat. Killing an innocent infant would just absolutely. fuck me up. I couldn't get past it I think. I believe it is a life and the most pure and innocent life on earth. Having been around so much evil. and being the cause of so. much evil myself when you are exposed to a pure baby, it is just an amazing experience., such a huge contrast. I am not trying to be a prick, just expressing. my view on this matter is all. Best of luck to you and him both.

    • Yeah he's even pretty religious, his family extremely religious. But he knew he couldn't have a child with the kind of woman who would trap him. What would his life of been like. And since he's gone all the time what would that poor child's life been like. I don't think I could of made that choice and I know it still haunts him.

    • That sucks.

  • He (and you) are lucky that he got away from this woman. It probably wasn't even his, as she was a liar and
    tried to hide it from him. Abortion can be difficult, but sometimes is the better option. Imagine if she had kept the baby and tied him to her for the rest of his life! I would go with the thought that she might have had multiple partners, and that it probably wasn't his, anyway. Time should cause old problems to fade, and just try to enjoy what you have. My ex got pregnant, she cheated on me and didn't know who the father was, so had an abortion. She then married the other guy, and had three kids with him. I was able to put it past me, as there was significant doubt as to who was the father.

    • Wow I'm sorry that happened to you! That's awful! He tried to make it work for awhile, but it ate away at him. And there started to be more and more signs of her cheating. She was just a bad person in general. He is very lucky he got away. And despite that we live on the opposite side of the country, we think she might of come to his house. I was home alone while he ran to the store. And he came in the house like he saw a ghost. He told me he drove by her in a passenger seat of a car headed away from our house. And asked me if someone came to the door. but i didn't hear anything. She could of knocked and I wouldn't of heard. I was outside messing with the pool while he was gone. So it's freaked me out that she has just dropped by

    • I figured that she was cheating, even tho you didn't mention it in your original post.

    • Well the kind of person who lies and tries to trap a person is really not gonna be a loyal person

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