My girlfriend refused a lie detector test. What's next?

[Anonymous]

So to make a long story short I believe my girlfriend of 4+ years may have cheated on me. She is an addict and I've caught her in many lies before. Anyways I wouldn't be surprised if she did many things but cheating is something I would never expect of her. She is constantly worried about where I am, what I'm doing, who I'm with, etc. She loves me, or at least I believe so. Anyways a few weeks ago her sister and her sister's ex boyfriend got into an argument. At some point her sister's ex boyfriend said to her sister, "well that's why I had sex with your sister last year". Apparently this caused a bit of a conflict with her and her sister but I didn't give it much mind. But over the weeks it has been growing on me. Finally today we were talking about marriage and I told her, look I'll buy you a nice ring and make you my wife, but that comment your sister's ex said is really bothering me. I will give you the world, Amber, but I want you to take a lie detector test. She replied like I had just asked her to drink acid, hung the phone up on me and then put me on call block. She is currently in Georgia helping her father for the week as he just had surgery. She also just had an abortion last week so I know she's not up there knocking boots. Anyways, if the role was reversed and she asked me to do something like that to put my mind at ease and I knew I hadn't done anything wrong I would jump at the chance to ease her mind, especially if she was offering to pay for it. The fact is that last week I asked her to swear on her mom's soul that she had never been with anyone else, something she has done very often when I questioned her and even later found out she was lying. However on this topic she was reluctant to do it, even though she eventually did only after explaining to me that doing so didn't mean anything anyways. So what should I do, should I take her refusal as evidence that she might have been unfaithful? Should I kick her to the curb?

[Johannaxo]

I don't understand why you don't see how a person wouldn't be offended if you asked them to take a lie detector test.

I'd never "prove myself" to anyone with a lie detector test unless it was a police investigation or something. And I wouldn't be with someone if I felt so untrusting of them that I felt the need to even ask for a lie detector test to be done on them.

It was a year ago, that was your time to figure out the truth. You gave her the benefit of the doubt... You made that choice then so why hold on to it?

If you don't trust her break up with her. But everytime you feel uncertain are you going to ask for a lie detector test? No? So why start now?

[Asker]

I appreciate the feedback. Honestly, she has lied to me about many things before, such as using drugs, where she was, what she was doing, etc. Eventually the truth always came out and none of it has ever been related to cheating (most were related to drugs). However, I can't eliminate the possibility that this happened, especially considering the fact that this guy is a known drug dealer. Perhaps her intentions were innocent enough (to get high) but one thing led to another. I don't know. But for someone who demands so much honesty from me and questions me when I grab some cologne for my friend or tell her I went to go get a beer after work, I would expect her to be equally honest and upfront. I have a hard time believe she didn't cheat because I know how much she loves me. She knows this is one of the few things she could lose me over and that my mine would be totally at ease if she could just prove to me that this never happened.

[Anonymous]

Keeping your son in this drama filled addicts life is not what's best for him. Him being in a calm relaxed environment where his safety, maturity, education is what's best for him. You staying with this woman is depriving him of that.

If she truly is what you say then you should be able to get custody and take him out of that environment. Being an egg/sperm donor doesn't make you a parent. A parent's first actions is to do what's best for their child and no one else.

[ms_prettyest_1985]

Please put into consideration that she just had an abortion. At this point there are a lot of things going through her mind and body. Give her time she's dealing with a lot. And the last thing she wants to hear from the man she loves is taking a lie detector test. If you feel in your heart she cheated and her sisters ex said so then it could be true. Handle this with love and care. Pray and ask for clarity.

[TadCurious]

The very fact that your relationship with your girlfriend is such that your doubts about her fidelity are enough to make you consider asking her to take the test tells you everything you need to know. You doubt her fidelity or you wouldn't be proposing the test. The test is really a secondary issue. The real issue is that you don't trust her. Why would you even consider marrying someone you don't trust?

[Tractorbeam]

Most women are liars, and most women are good at it. I think they're much better liars than men, because they get so much practice telling people what they'd like to hear, rather than offend them.
If you think a woman is lying, she probably is. Most times, you'd never know.

[Asker]

I agree

[Texug0]

You say most women are liars, but aren't men usually portrayed as cheaters and liars more often? Its pretty much 50/50 really.

[Tractorbeam]

The total number of incidences of cheating works out to be about the same, for men or women. You have a slightly greater number of men doing it, but they each cheat less times than women who cheat (on average) . The women who cheat find that it's easier to get away with. They cover their tracks better, and keep doing it more often.

[OldDinosaur]

Addict, Lies, Sisters Bf screwed her, Abortion. Whoa!.. too much drama. Do you have "cuckold" written on your forehead. Stand up for yourself or be prepared for the cheating to get much worse.

[Asker]

OldDinosaur, that's some real talk. She's tried me too many times. On top of that this girl here is like a 4 or a 5 and I know that i'm settling out of concern for a 'family' that will never exist. I'll go to my lawyer tom, iron out the paperwork and once she takes me off call block I'm gonna sink her ship. I know that 5 years from now she'll be where she'll be and that isn't appealing to me. Thanks for the feedback.

[emyb933]

The way she responded to that is actually (so I can imagine) normal. I know I would be horribly offended if my boyfriend asked me to take a lie detector test. Plus, they are bogus!!! They are proven to not be accurate. With that said, I am sorry you feel this way. But you should trust her...

[Anonymous]

I hate to say it bro... but it's time to move on...

[Anonymous]

If you already believe she is going to lie i don't see the need for a lie detector test.

Trust is one of the main things a relationship should have so if you don't trust her why stay with her.

[Asker]

It's not that I expect her to lie. I expected her to say, sure I'll take the test you ***** and with that I probably wouldn't have even gone forward with it. But her reaction when I asked was what shook me.

[Opinion Owner]

Different people react differently to a given scenario and knowing that she had an abortion she is probably mentally, emotionally stress and you asking that question really offended her.

[Anonymous]

Why would you want all that drama? I would never be with anyone that I had to ask to take a lie detector test. Life is short. I want to be with someone I can trust.

[Asker]

We have a 3 year old son together and a lot of history. I know I can do better but I am willing to do anything to make it work with her for the sake of my family. However I will not put up with someone who will cheat on me.

[Opinion Owner]

You need to put your son first. If she is cheating or not... he does not need to be around a junkie. I dont care if it is his mother. It will spill over into his life. Get custody of him so he can have a decent life. A mother who is a junkie can't provide a stable life for him.