Why does my husband look at women online?

[Jasmynne]

I am newly married, second marriage for both of us. I am the higher libido, and am always sexually available to my husband. I recently caught him looking at bikini models online, then realized from the computer history he actually tells me to go relax, have a bath, etc & then looks at these images. He says he finds me attractive. I want to believe him but a couple months into marriage, low libido & looking at these images doesn't add up to me. He also said he doesn't masturbate or get an erection from viewing, and was just curious. Several images were looked at repeatedly. I would think this means it's more than curiosity, and must be getting some endorphins flowing or why do it? He also told me he doesn't like lingerie, but there are also lingerie clad women in the history. I asked him calmly to explain so I could understand. No explanation other than curious about photoshopped images & a promise to stop. I'm trying to let it go but am seriously wondering if he married me out of loneliness & because we get along well & have similar values but he doesn't find me attractive. Him telling me I'm wrong is hard to believe. Why so early on in marriage? Why not me in lingerie but these images? Why when I've never denied him & am actually the higher libido one (5-6xs week would be perfect for me, 2xs week is his ideal) I'm attractive, look 10-15 years younger than I am, am in a healthy weight range & wear size 6. He is 9 years older, 40 lbs overweight. He said the weight lowered his libido, so why the images, and why say they are attractive to look at but cause no feelings of arousal? Help me understand what's really going on.

[Anonymous]

It might just be a habit that a habit for him. (part of a mid life crisis thing, you never know)
Have you ever gotten lingerie to display in front of him? that could do part of the trick. also, probably everything he told you was true, but he didn't tell you the underlying messages.. I will
He find you attractive-True
He doesn't masturbate or have an erection while viewing-partly true.. it will come up when he does mastubate
He said he doesn't like lingerie-it means no pressure to get some but will be deeply appreciative
Im not sure if I've got more, you are going to have to ask, but the way I see it, looking at younger girls is normal for guys at that age, makes you miss those days, and in his case, really bad.
I doubt he married you out of loneliness, that next to impossible for a guy. It means he likes you but he has a habit, and he is just missing younger days.
Do what I said above (get some lingerie, try it on, ask his opinion, or maybe he's the extreme visual type that gets stimulated from pics. In that case, get some lingerie, take selfies what you try it on, and ask his opinion when he is not around. )
Try these methods, see if they work. also, thank you for being understanding towards his plight.

[Azara]

everyone misses their younger days. they're not all looking at naked bodies when it bothers their spouse. age probably misses her younger days she's not ogling 20 year old guys. poor excuse. really lame. putting nostalgias before respecting the person you promised yourself too.. there's nothing understandable about that. how we treat people is a conscious decision. he married her he should act like it. and be honest. not gave her running around guessing.

[Opinion Owner]

@Azara Men and Women react differently. the respect part only kicked in after she expressed her concern. and i agree with that part. she is concerned about the previous part tho, the fact that he looks. so i told her what to do to stop that. not the concept behind it, like you are saying.

[Jasmynne]

Thank you for your honesty. You thanked me for being inderstanding; I really want to understand so we can move forward in the best way. He is genuinely upset he has hurt me, and also relieved I want to work through this but also set healthy, realistic boundaries. I asked about lingerie when we were dating & he said he doesn't really like it, which surprised me. He told me he was looking at the lingerie to buy something for me, but I'd told him it's pointless to me to wear it for him if he doesn't like it. Interestingly, I gave him a photo of me in a bikini & he loves it. I just wish I was enough for him. My son's friend asked about me because he thought I was in my 20s. I thought my son was gonna beat him! So I know I am considered attractive--just to say I am not overweight or out of shape. Thanks again.

[Opinion Owner]

happy to help. :)

[Wanttoknow1]

Strangely, I sense that looking at those images may be lowering his libido as well as weight problems, if he drinks or smoke that won't help either. It sounds like he needs to start walking and improve his eating habits or he won't be able to navigate through your hot little body.
He being 9 years older may also contribute to libido unbalance between you and him but not always. I'm 54 and enjoy intimacy almost daily but I don't know if I could keep up with someone 9 years younger even though I exercise my Kegels,

I have found that looking at images has a numbing affect like a drug, heroin or alcohol. I rarely drink so 1 glass has the same affect as 3 glasses for a seasoned drinker. The more he looks at images the more is brain turns to mush, as he is overstimulating himself trying regain some libido.

If he stops looking at images but rather sneaks a peek or two at your nude body when you are undressing before a shower he should regain more intimate energy. It sounds he is viewing more pictures than taking a sneak peek at your hot body.

He needs to stop,

[Jasmynne]

Thank you for your response, it has helped me make some sense of this. When we are alone at home I used to walk around in lingerie/nude/dresses and he hardly notices. Since I've told him how it makes me feel (hurt, unattractive to him), he has taken notice but right now I am too hurt/uncomfortable to dress as I used to, and also now wear pyjamas to bed. We are talking through this, and I have assured him I want to work through it but it has to stop. He is devastated he has hurt me so deeply. ED is an issue he is looking into, as his libido has decreased significantly in the last few years. Thank you again.

[renogaza]

the problem with that hypothesis is that how will she break it down for him, i mean for some guys it may be offensive to just say "you need to stop looking at that stuff", its probably better to explain it properly in a way that won't insult or offend him, that or he can go to this thread xD

[Wanttoknow1]

renogaza, You are right, it is delicate. I can only speak from my own personal experience, as I have looked at images and it at a certain point turns the mind to mush. To continually look at images at a certain point can make looking at a woman ordinary. To enhance intimacy, I had to take ownership of my actions. In some respect Jasmynne's husband may have similar traits before I lost 30 lbs. and stop looking at images and exercising my PC's 2x's a day. (the muscle that stop and start peeing) At 54 my former lifestyle did effect testosterone levels. If her husband can change things up he can restore more libido than he has now, which is what happen to me from 1 or 2x's a week to 5x's a week, without talking supplements. (the body and mind can heal itself) I started walking, quit milk and dairy product, cut gluten products and sugarary stuff down except what's natural and unavoidable sugars in processed foods. But you are right the discussion needs to be open and kind hearted.

[Jasmynne]

Wanttoknow1, What made you decide to own up and take responsibility for your behaviors? My husband is upset he has hurt me like this; we had discussed it prior to dating & I was surprised he did this. I have approached him wanting to understand, & we've had several good conversations It has affected my confidence and I am working through this. He works long days and this seems to be contributing to his libido. Lately with his work schedule increasing, once every 10-14 days is his preference. There's lots of cuddling though. I am not initiating for now so we'll see how it goes. Thank you.

[renogaza]

its possible he's thinking of what to buy for you, or what would look good on you, possibly as a gift of some sort, or maybe has erectile dysfunction, who knows, but you shouldn't lose faith in him over pictures in the net, whether his reasons align with what i mentioned or maybe just wanted to jerk off or get hard for whatever reason its normal, he's a guy, guys do that stuff all the time, if he's losing attraction to you then maybe you can find ways to improve it, exercising/dieting might be a good idea (no offense)

[Jasmynne]

He did tell me yesterday he was debating buying me something. I said only if he would enjouy seeing me in it, & he said he's really not into it so didn't get any of them. I'm in good shape, and am often mistaken for my early 30s. But for my own self esteem I'm going to set goals for my health & work at being as fit as I can be. Thanks again

[crazyemster]

Well... don't pictures of hot, muscular men turn you on? I think he is just fantasizing when he is looking at these pictures, but if he only truly loves you that's all that matters. If he's looking at them all the time, then I would have a talk with him. I think every once in a while is okay. I mean us women have fantasies too ;). I hope I helped, but I am only 18 and not married!!

[Jasmynne]

My personal view is I feel it is disrespectful to him to look at other men, so I don't. No judgement, just one way I choose to show respect.

[Pink2000]

I think u should just ask him honestly. His story is obviously shady. You seem beautiful. Men wil be men of course but u need to lay down the rules or put it on him ;)

[madhatters4]

Why so early on in marriage?
It sounds to me like he has an unhealthy obsession with p*rn or at least erotic images. This could stem from long periods of being alone and p*rn and other erotica being his only outlet

Why not me in lingerie but these images?
Again, I think it stems from an unhealthy preoccupation

I think you need to have a frank conversation. Tell him you have a big problem with him lying about his appreciation for lingerie. tell him you have a problem with him going online to check women out while meanwhile not being sexually available to you... His behavior is not ok. I look at p*rn but it's a substitute to my wife never a replacement. If my wife was ready to go every time I was there would be no way I'd turn her down... I think he really needs to re-condition his body which probably means cutting out the internet erotica. his body has grown accustomed to and it sounds a little dependent on the wrong stimuli, he can change it but he has to make an effort

[Jasmynne]

Thank you; it's good to look at the issue removed from my emotions because it's the best way to get to the heart of the issue and not get wrapped up in anger, etc.

[mck182]

I would say he's possibly loosing attraction from you and looking else where, this guy doesn't seem to have much respect for you or anyone.

[Klaatu51]

it's normal and basically everyone does that... don't misjudge him

[reptocarl]

That's tough. I've learned through my psychiatrist not everyone marries because they're in love. They marry because he got her pregnant, he's good to my kids, the sex is the most awesome thing you've ever had, he or she is rich and can suit my material needs, etc. I think its in poor taste what he's doing. Ask him how he would feel if you looked at scantily dressed male models all day.

[PineappleBreath]

listen he is not going to stop every man on the planet will always look at other women especially fantasy women who make their egos feel better but this is truth so listen he loves only you and that is what is important

[ThatGuy98]

You should be the only woman in his life&the only woman he lusts for. Of course it can be hard as a guy and you can't expect him to never look at another woman but it seems like this has gone way over that point.

I suggest you take a real talk with him and explain exactly how you feel, if he can't respect you after that then you will have to make a hard decision...

[koko124]

Because you're over 45 years old.

[Jasmynne]

Please elaborate

[man4fem6]

He just used to do so before he get married
Then it takes time to stop watching such websites
Try to engage him in light sports like walking together, go to lingerie shops and let him choose for you also bikinis and ware it for him at home
Bit by bit he well leave websites and live the reality

[Anonymous]

I can understand if you were overweight but your not. Or if he had to beg you for sex then I would understand why he is looking at girls on the net. And your body available for him anytime. Maybe your not open-minded about sex and different positions.

[Jasmynne]

I am very open minded. My only 'no fly zone' is no bringing someone else into the mix. Other than that, I'm open to anything...

[Anonymous]

Ask him if he wants to have sex while he looks at that stuff. That way its a win, win for you and him.

I'd only be worried if he said no and kept it up. But again I'd rather have him looking at random models he'll never meet then say on a dating site or talking to REAL life people. But thats just me.

I also don't think you should have made him feel bad about it, but give him a chance to come clean honestly, if he feels your being hostile I'm guessing he'd hide how he really felt. The more you know the more you can get to the bottom of it.

Good luck.

[Jasmynne]

Thanks for your response. I don't think I made him feel bad; I told him what I realized he was doing & asked him why. He already knows it would bother me because we talked about this at the start of our relationship. He knows I genuine want to understand, and that I am committed to working through this.

[Anonymous]

Because guys crave variety, so we look at a variety of different women. That's just how it is.

[Anonymous]

Noone really understand why people do the things they do... there's no point in trying to ask because nobody will be able to explain. The only thing you can do, is politely ask him to stop. If you continue to find him doing it, then you need to think about what you want to do with this. I know that if I was in a marriage with a girl who was looking at half naked men, even if she found me attractive, I would feel bad, and that she didn't care enough. But, that's just me