My boyfriend and I are sexually incompatible... help?

[Anonymous]

So my boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now. We love each other a lot and everything in our relationship is going smoothly... aside from sex. I think we are incompatible. We've worked around things this long because we truly truly love each other.. so much so that we agreed to stay together even though we were going through problems sexually. Both of us seem to be dominant sexually and its really difficult to make things work. We don't do dom/submissive role plays or anything that extreme... its just minor things and neither of us is willing to submit. Both of us are pretty used to being in control during day to day activities... although outside the bedroom he lets me take the reigns without a problem when I need to (something he usually doesn't do with others). However in the bedroom he never backs down.. and since I don't either, things get awkward and unproductive. Is there any way to reconcile this? He says I'm the first girl he's been with who hasn't been at least semi-submissive sexually. He says since he sometimes lets me "wear the pants" in the relationship, that I should let him dominate in the bedroom. I don't want to make either of us do something we aren't comfortable doing. Personally, having to "submit" is the biggest turn off for me. And I know he feels the same... we are literally the same person.. help?

[MrOracle]

I think you are right: you are sexually incompatible. And this is only one of many ways two people can be incompatible, but it's easily a big enough incompatibility that your relationship won't be sustainable. This is why DATING and lots of question-asking/interviewing potential partners is so important, and so many people skip past this today and jump right into a relationship without knowing enough about their partner.

I'm sure he's a great guy, and that's the thing; it doesn't matter how awesome someone is as a person - if they're incompatible with you in a way that's important in a relationship, then a relationship simply won't work. In a way, it's no different than if one of you was quick to anger, or irresponsible with money, or one wanted to live in the city and the other in the country. Some things are too important to both of you to compromise, and that's okay, it just means that you can't be in a relationship together.

IMO, I think you need to accept the reality of the situation, break up, and be friend (or at least, friendly towards each other). Acknowledge that you still both love, care, and respect each other, and for that reason, you are doing the right thing for both of you. Then, resolve to get to know your next potential mate much better BEFORE committing to a relationship. On your long list of "compatibility issues" needs to be "sexual power roles in the bedroom", and you need to find a guy who is sexually submissive and desires a sexually dominant woman. I'd suggest that those guys are in the minority, but it's a pretty large minority so it won't be that hard to find.

Compatibility is ALMOST everything in a relationship, and you both really made a huge mistake by not discovering your incompatibility before you made your relationship official. Do what you know you need to do, and move on to the next phase of your lives.

[Diego9O]

If you don´t have compability with your partner in one way you will in another. There is something that makes two persons want to be together for the rest of their life and that´s love. What compability is greater than I Love You, You Love Me. Love always finds his way.

[MrOracle]

Unfortunately, that's often NOT true. Love may make you sacrifice something big to you, but that will make you sad and resentful, and that's poison to a relationship. As hard as it is, it is better to go your separate ways and each of you find someone who will make you truly happy rather than remain in an incompatible relationship. Again, just because someone is an awesome person doesn't mean they're compatible with you, and it's your job to determine compatibility BEFORE you commit. If you fail to do that, you can't ask each other to suffer indefinitely for your mistakes.

[Diego9O]

In a relationship there will always be incompability in something and at some point, if you and your partner don´t learn to manage you all incompability, the problem it's causing it will increase obviously. I know is not easy to fight that, I´m in a similar situation with the incompability issue but that I don´t put it above the feelings I have for my girlfriend and she does the same.

[MrOracle]

Again, I disagree - there are some things that "love" just won't overcome. Minor incompatibilities love can smooth over, but when you are dealing with your fundamental nature, it's almost impossible to change or compromise those things about yourself.

[godfatherfan]

You either take turns or you need to give in. Since you will probably eventually be unhappy giving in all the time your really only left with taking turns. if not, break up and move on. long term it is not going to work out. Sex is too important in an adult relationship. It needs to be good to work long term.

[lovemylife22]

MOST men want dominance in bed. My boyfriend is the same way. Compromise is key. Sometimes you have to give a little too get a little. If you both love each other you will respect each other's needs and come to a solution. Do not let sexual frustrations ruin your happy relationship:)

[Anonymous]

That's tough. Maybe you guys can trade off being submissive? There's no way you can both be dominant all the time.

[misscocobutter]

Being a female you are sort of automatically designed to be submissive in the bedroom, by that I mean anatomically so this is a strange conundrum

[sawno]

Like other people suggested do it 50/50 .
Play a gambling game and the winner owns the loser for a week.
Or "Claim" each other during sex, pin him down and have his way with him. Then once he's bored and wants control he flips you aside and has his way with you to. This can lead to very sexy dominant animalistic sex for both of you.

[Diego9O]

Both of you will have to reach to an agreement otherwise the problem will keep going and growing.

[LimeAndLight]

There is no such thing as sexual compatibility; if you believe that, you have been fooled.

[Asker]

If there is no such thing as sexual compatibility then how do you explain what it going on here?

[PineappleBreath]

Just flip a Damn coin or rock paper scissors

[Anonymous]

Hmmm it sounds like a real problem