My bf forced me to have sex with him when I was on my period, am I wrong to feel upset?

[Anonymous]

When I have sex with my boyfriend, he often dominates me, and I love it, I am very willing to take part. Sex does get rough sometimes, but I encourage it. Last week I was on my period and not well at all, i had a migraine, awful period pain, and my period was very heavy. I just was not in the mood for sex at all. He was trying to encourage me, so i just went upstairs for a lie down. he came up after me , threw me on the floor, pinned me down, and pulled my tampon out, and forced himself into me, I tried to push him off, but he was too heavy, and I told him i didn't want too. In the end I just lay there , waiting until he was finished. Afterwards he just said", i loved it really". I didn't enjoy it at all, and didn't want it. The thing is am i wrong to feel upset with him. , cos usually when i have sex i enjoy it rough and him dominating me. He keeps telling me, i was just pretending i did not want sex, so he would dominate me, but i wasn't. I know its not rape, cos he's my bf, and he often dominates me, and i am a willing partner. I do worry in case it happens again, cos i did not enjoy it. It made my period cramp worse and i seemed to bleed even heavier afterwards. How should i deal with it, or how can i get it across to him, that i don't want sex when my period is that severe?

[kheserthorpe]

You need a safe word, clearly.

I only have your side of things and you might be spinning it favorably, but it sounds like you two have basically agreed that 'no' does not mean no, which is your right to do, but you have not agreed on what DOES mean no. So he may well have thought he had -actual- consent. This is not a reasonable situation (and legally he's likely not protected, but who knows). But that's beside the point.

The solution is not to let him know not to ignore your lack of consent when you have severe period cramps.

The solution is to have a safe word that lets him know in whatever unforeseen circumstance occurs that you are genuinely withdrawing consent, not just pretending to resist.

[Asker]

thank you very much. , i never thought about a safe word, that's an excellent idea, that is really great advice thanks a lot

[kheserthorpe]

By the way if he ignores the safe word in the future, then he is a rapist and deserves everything some people have suggested here. But at this point it seems like it was a misunderstanding. If you're playing around with consent like you two seem to be, a safe word is just needed.

[Asker]

yes i totally afree thank you again!!

[AustinMan]

I concur. This seems more like a misunderstanding fueled by one very horny bf. I feel like you need to set a safe word as suggested and tell him that you won't use it unless you absolutely need to but if you do, he has to honor it, right then Sort of in his defense, I've had sex with women on their period (with their consent and cooperation, I might add) and it really helped with the cramps and pain. I do feel really awful that you were in the midst of a migraine at the time.

[Asker]

@austinman it didn't help with the cramp, my periods are really heavy and painful, and i felt ill with it, how would sex help with the pain, i? I agree about safeword that was first suggested by @kheserthorpe

[kheserthorpe]

For some women sex does help with cramps. The increases blood flow and circulation are a plus. (Incidentally for some women cramps are less severe after they've had a child as they still have more blood flow to the area )

[MrOracle]

Totally agree with this post. Many people start "playing" with BDSM without understanding the safety aspects and why they are SO important. It seems like the OP realizes that they both made mistakes, and that this was a misunderstanding, and that a safe word (and other related discussion) can solve this in the future, assuming he respects the safe word as he should.

[Asker]

What sort of word is best to use as a safe word, if he ignores is though does that mean he doesn't care about me really?

[Asker]

@khesthorpe

[kheserthorpe]

If he ignores it then he's a rapist. It's that simple.

[InquisitiveMale]

What he did is rape but the lines are foggy if it's the sort of behavior you regularly indulge in and the situation could honestly have been misconstrued. I strongly suggest you take precautions in the future. BDSM should always aim to be safe and mutually pleasurable- at the current time you have not taken any precautions.

These are things we all need to think about before entering into the lifestyle, even if it's only for a single scene. Ensure that you do so going forward.

[Asker]

okay thank you

[Asker]

I never thought it would ever get out of control, i really thought he would know that no meant no, cos he would be able to tell i wasn't enjoying it, i dont believe its rape, cos he's my bf and i have had sex lots with him

[InquisitiveMale]

If he forced you, boyfriend, husband, or otherwise, it's rape- forced sex.

[Anonymous]

just because he's your bf doesn't mean he's not capable of raping you. rape occurs when the victim doesn't want to have sex, doesn't matter whether its a stranger or your husband. next time you need to tell him "no i dont want to have sex on my period" make it blunt and harsh if necessary. if he continues this, (i hate to say this) there is a part of him that doesn't respect you as much therefore he doesn't care. You should remember nobody can ever force you to have sex, not even your bf or husband or whatever. If you dont want it YOU DONT WANT IT. dont let him make you think otherwise.

[jesse_mcminn100]

well, even if he is your boyfriend, and I hate saying this, it is considered rape if you did not want to have sex at that moment of time. it is a law in the U. S., unless you live in a different country and there aren't laws like that.. but I do have to say, I would not want my boyfriend in general to have sex with me while I was on my period. one, because it's gross, and two, because my period cramps are excruciating in the first place..
quick question: did you tell him you were in pain afterwards? he may understand if you explain that you felt terrible afterwards...

[Anonymous]

"I know it's not rape because he's my bf" wrong. Boyfriends, even husbands, can rape their women. Getting sex from you previously doesn't entitle him to sex when you don't want it.
You said no, he forced himself inside you. If that's not rape, I don't know what is.

[Asker]

We have had rough sex bf wbere he has dominated me, but im not sure if he really did think i wanted it, even though i tried to stop it, im upset cos he ignored me, but on other hand i think if we have had rough sex before , how could i accuse him of rape, but then i keep tbinking i can't understand how he thought i was enjoying it, i clearly wasnt, im really confused as what to think, dont know whether he really thought it was ok with me, or knew but didn't care

[Opinion Owner]

I have very rough sex with my boyfriend to, but any guy knows the difference between a girl wanting it and not. There are times my boyfriend has continued thinking I'm playing about when I say no, but then he looks at my face and can tell I mean it. You made it obvious you didn't want it and he had no right to do that. I don't know if he thought there were no more boundaries now, or that he can do this now because you like rough sex, but whatever it is, it wasn't right. Please, tell him how you felt. I don't want to think he's a rapist automatically and I'm sure you want to think that even less, and hold onto hope he genuinely didn't know what he was doing. Once he knows, he can't make that mistake again. Sometimes, it's so much harder when it's a boyfriend or somebody who's meant to love you.

[Asker]

I know cos i do care about him so much, and im upset cos dont know if he knew or not , i had an argument afterwards about it, but he just kept saying i loved it really , he knew how bad my period was so dont know why he wkuld think i wanted it, to be honest i felt humiated too when he pulled my tampon out, i have never had sex on my period before, im too ill during it do think about sex

[Opinion Owner]

If after you argued with him over it and he was insisting you loved it. I think he knows full well what he's done and is one of these guys who try to act like it's the girls fault. You could wave your pussy all over his face and tell him no sex and he's still not allowed to do that. You could be married to him for 40 years, and he's still not allowed to do that. Just because you've had rough sex before, it doesn't mean you like to be forced. Rough sex is totally different to rape. Maybe he's been watching too much rape p*rn and doesn't know where the lines cross anymore, as seems to happen with some people. I know he's been good to you so far, apart from this, and I'm not trying to trash him, but what he did and his actions after are disgusting and downright abusive. I know misunderstandings can happen with sex sometimes, but I was doubtful he didn't know during, but I know he definitely did after. How long have you been with this guy?

[Asker]

Im 19 he's 30, we have been together about just over a year, he was my friends cousins friend, thats how i met him, i think you maybe right, he thought i didn't during sex but knows afer it for sure i never thought of that til you said it, now its upset me more cos he insisted i loved it even though i was shouting at him aferwards and trying to tell him how much i really didnt, and he must know now i really didnt, so he mustnt care like i thought he did,

[Opinion Owner]

I'm not trying to scare you away from rough sex, but some guys who are into it are like that. I even met a guy like that myself. Some guys think once a girl likes being submissive and he's dominant and they have rough sex, suddenly she's some kind of sex slave to do whatever he wants to. Most guys who are into rough sex do not think like this though. Most know there's a line not to cross. And I also have to add, again, nothing against age gaps because my parents have a huuuuge age gap, but too many times, these are the kinds of reasons older guys go for young girls. They think "young n dumb" and that young is easy to get your own way with. I don't know if you're gonna stay with him after this, but if you do give him a second chance, please please please don't give him a third. Personally, after his reaction he really doesn't deserve a second, but I know that within the relationship it's different to looking in from the outside

[alliknowisthatidont]

Tell him you were being serious when you said you didn't want it. That he needs to respect you, if you say no you aren't playing with him. Tell him if it happens again there will be problems.

[Whitestone1]

that is rape. It needs to be reported. Any time someone forces you to have sex against your will is rape even if it is your boyfriend, best friend or even your husband.

[dartmaul15]

"I know its not rape"
rape is per definiton sexual conuit with a person not in a position to give verbal concent, or someone who does ont give verbal concnet. Since you said "no" it is per definition actually rape.

But i would suggest taking him for a SERIOUS talk on the subject, ideally before the next time you two have sex. Make him understand that sex isn't an option during your period.

[creativeusername101]

consent does not have to be verbalized. pushing someone away is the same as saying no.

[Asker]

ok thank you

[dartmaul15]

Hm... could be differences between country. Either way, the purpose of the "verbal concent" law is that unless she has given you a "yes", it is rape. Thus she won't even get in a position where rape can happen without it being rape or willing sex. But that's beside the point. She said "no" and he did not stop. Hence it's rape by law HOWEVER it seems to me that it is a result of misscominucation. He might have tought it was an act (as it becomes clear from the text), and tought she wanted it. This would've not happened if "verbal concent" had been practiced. It also seems to me like OP is unwilling to go to the police, seemingly because she thinks it can be fixed and worked out. If that's her decission then we should repect that, and help her instead. Which brings us to the second question. How to minimize the risk of missunderstandings like these happening again? Safe words? Practicing of "verbal concent"? Any ideas? toughts? Tips and ideas for op?

[dartmaul15]

got to say i agree with @kheserthorpe Yes, it was by definition rape, but we all get carried away, don't we? It was most likely a mistake (OP's tale supports this). A bad mistake, but still a mistake. That means it can be avoided in the future, because it's not a desireable action. So simply talking with him about it and make damn sure he understands EXACTLY why you're off limits during the period should fix it. Using safe words (as suggested) is also a great idea. But the most important is that you find something that works for you two.

[kheserthorpe]

@creativeusername101 It would likely come down to legal wording based on where they live. Generally speaking, yes, absolutely, pushing someone away is the same as saying no. The problem in this situation is they agreed well beforehand 'saying no and pushing away doesn't actually mean no'. Now in most places, consent can be withdrawn at any time. But they created a scenario where there was no way for her to do so. I suspect legally he'd be in trouble, because in most places, the laws provide absolutely no protection to the dominant partner in bdsm. if they spank to the point of bruising for example, even with clear written consent, they can STILL be charged with assault. I suspect similarly here, her prior declaration of 'no' not meaning no wouldn't protect him. But that's beside the point, because it doesn't seem he intended to rape her (wasn't just carried away, he THOUGHT she was ok with it), and she doesn't want to press charges. They just need to fix this for next time.

[Asker]

@dartmaul 25 you are correct about me not wanting to go to police, i dont look on it as rape he's my bf and i have had rough sex lots of times with him, was upset he wouldn't stop believing i enjoyed it when i wasnt, i can't understand how he thought i was

[crazyincalifornia]

Well you kindof have set yourself up for it allowing to be a sub.
Still, this is a little different.
Being a sub and being disrespectful are different.

To me you two sound pretty compatible so I would have a little discussion with him about it.
Let him know you were hurt. I can feel it in your words. For real!
You're flirting with some toxicity, but sometimes that can be fun, especially if the love is there.
Just be careful.
:)

[Asker]

I felt humiliated when he pulled my tampon out i have never had sex on my period and never wanted to either, i will talk to him again and mention a safe word,

[crazyincalifornia]

Good! You sound nice. I will think of you tonight I promise. :)

[pr3ttybr0wn]

i would fucking kill my bf if he did that.

[lumos]

Just because he's your boyfriend, it doesn't automatically mean that he can't rape you. He can, and he did. You didn't want to have sex, you tried to push him off and even told him you didn't want to. He ignored you and had sex with you anyway, without your consent. That's rape, and he needs a wake up call.

[theville]

NOPE i would be VERY upset that he 1. FORCED U whether with a period or NOT u dont FORCE anyone and your bf should NOT have done that - not sure he is a good person to deal with... WOW i would be breaking up with ANY one that did that TO ME AND TREATED ME IN THAT WAY -- that is NOT OKAY BEHAVIOR sounds like RAPE!!! be safe and good luck if u stay with someone like him.

[aoifeislovable]

It's rape... that's why you need a safe word... it's not okay just because he's your boyfriend

[paperfriendd]

Period or not he forced himself on you. Dump him and report it. ):

[yaddayaddayadda02]

He raped you, plain and simple. Going to the police is the only logical solution.

[BeInnovative]

I agree with him 10000%

[Asker]

How can it be rape though, he's my bf, i have had sex lots of times with him as well as rough sex where he dominates me, the police would blame me for having rough sex in past with him,

[yaddayaddayadda02]

I agree it will likely be hard to prosecute. But you did not consent to the sex. You were raped. At the very least you should dump him.

[HeartsBloodDupre]

You wanted him to get off, and he refused to.

[zombiebabe]

100%agree

[Modernhippy]

If you made it clear than that's rape. Most guys will immediately stop and apologize profusely the second u say no just because it's wrong and become a vocalized problem. I don't really understand your relationship and none of us do so for you this might not be as big a problem as a different girl but I'd be really careful.

[Asker]

ok thanks,

[BertMacklinFBI]

pretty sure he raped you.

[BertMacklinFBI]

im really inclined to ask, who the fuck does that? cause im a little iffy towards your story.

[Asker]

who does what?

[Asker]

Whats iffy about it, what do you mean,? Maybe thats why girls who are raped dont report it, cos guys like you are the ones they are reporting it too, who dont believe them

[crazyincalifornia]

I'm not going with the rape Bert. Technically yeah, but to call it rape trivializes the real rapes that do occur and should be reported to the cops. This is a couple that take some risks involving sexual behavior. I'm not going with the rape call..

[BertMacklinFBI]

@crazyincalifornia yeah i kinda speed read it. but after reading some other comments, the asker seems confused as to what happened. she obviously didn't want it, which is why i say rape, but then later she said she is confused. so what the hell hahaa. but you are right too! :)

[Kaneki05]

Just because he is your boyfriend don't mean this wasn't rape but tbf it wasn't clear to him so he didn't have a intestion to rape you but it was rape.
Best thing to do is safeword someone already put at this stuff about the safeword so no need to repeat it you know what you can do and should do now.

[Souma95]

No, that was rape. Not at all acceptable. He could have harmed you. I would be extremely careful and even consider going to the police to be honest.

[LonelySpirit]

Brake up with him. The only way. He's an asshole. It really seems that he doesn't love you at all. It will get even worse. Hun, cou can find a boyfriend 1000 times better than him. Don't do this to yourself. You are way more important than he is

[JackKerouac77]

Wtf? Rape.

Unless you remedy this issue yourselves with a VERY SERIOUS talk, you're in a relationship with a person who has clearly chosen the dark side above anything else.

Fucked up. Hope you know cops.

[rjroy3]

Come up with a safe word. You said it yourself that you like it rough and to be dominated, but you NEED a word to be clear that you seriously don't want something. He had right to feel the way he did, although I don't fully agree with him. But i am a different person. I love sex and I get rough, and even a hint of a "no" or "stop" I stop. You need to know that he will listen and that he knows you're serious. If you have sex and sarcastically say, "No, stop" when you really mean don't stop, then you've already confused things for him. You need to have clarity.
So for me personally I say you don't have a right to be upset, if you set the groundwork for this to happen. If sex is never like this with you two, then I think you have every right to be mad. And lastly, make a safe word

[Asker]

okay fair point thanks

[TheYellowBear]

That sounds like rape to me. I think you should report it to the Police.

[I-Am-Bored]

I think i smell a rape

[cjg909]

Tell him that you didn't enjoy it. And FYI it could still be rape whether he is your boyfriend or not.