Girls: Please help! Wife masturbating at night when she thinks I'm asleep. What to do?

Question

Within the past 5-6 months I've woken up a couple times at night and noticed my wife is having a little solo fun. She's super discreet about it. So discreet that I sometimes question if it's really happening or not. At this point I'm about 99% sure it is. I'm pretty sure she's doing it while laying on her side while turned away from me so it's super hard for her to get caught. I pretty much caught her a few years ago but it's so hard to tell and I was 3/4 asleep so she easily played it off. She's doing it through her pants and underwear and just rubbing moving nothing but her fingers and hand.
I'm a super heavy sleeper but here lately I've been much more stressed at work and the stress is starting to affect my sleep. There's been a few nights in the last month that I didn't really sleep most of the night. She's having her discreet fun most of the night. In fact last night she went on most of the night. Very discreetly, I might add and I'm not sure if she's asleep or awake.
Honestly, I don't know how I feel about this. But it's really started giving me feelings of jealousy, mainly because she is only interested in me about once a week at the most. 
I have a major crush on her, so it's pretty much killing me at this point. Interestingly, my crush on her is about ten times as strong as when we met and it increases every day. I feel love for her on a totally different level than when we started dating or even when we got married. 
I'm not sure what to do at this point. I really think talking to her about it will be a mistake and that's why I haven't done it yet. She totally refuses to talk about sex and has the entire time we've been together (16 yrs). It's like she is embarrassed which I have a hard time relating to. 
I wonder if she might be doing it to help herself fall asleep? I just get so tired of having a smoking hot wife that I can't touch and having to do things on my own. All of this is really starting to eat away at me. Advice?

Red_Arrow · Accepted Answer

Wow. There are a lot of possibilities in this simple act. First, many (most?) women do use masturbation to help them fall asleep. When that is the case, they are dong it gently to help them fall asleep and do not want any activity with their SO that would hinder them getting to sleep. When she is going on for extremely long times, she is likely doing it for enjoyment, not for falling asleep.

A married couple in which at least one refuses to talk about sex is one that is not helping their marriage. Their is likely a lot more going on that just sex. Couples Counseling is definitely in order. If she refuses to go, I would suggest you go alone. The counselor may be able to suggest ways that you can go home and open up conversation.

parkway · Accepted Answer

You seem to care a lot about you and your ego being damaged by her actions. If this is true then possibly she is missing intimacy and possibly feels isolated. Are you talking or listening to her about her needs? Sex possibly has nothing to do with her self pleasing.

If you are unclear about intimacy speak to a priest or paster of a church. All roads lead to God and don't get it. You seem to have everything but you are missing something that will cause you to loose her if she is not already gone.

Good luck.

nemer26 · Accepted Answer

Wow... you need to talk with her about it. Especially if your sex life is lacking. Have you two been to counseling? Why do you think it'd be a mistake to talk with her about it? I think it's best to be honest, but try and remove the feelings of jealousy, so she doesn't go on the defense.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Okay well maybe she's self conscious? and u need to show her she doesn't need to be by complimenting her body and her in general. And she might just be doing it to fall asleep better. Maybe she's having trouble sleeping I know I so that a lot of the time when I can't fall asleep

palomajoa · Accepted Answer

As everyone here is telling you, you can not avoid to talk about it. Sex is an important part of a relationship. And even if she feels embarrased, obviously the part of not talking is affecting the two of you.

justbe · Answer

Tell her you know what she's doing while she's doing it and if you can join it'll be much more fun

TrueblueInfantry · Answer

I'll tell you what. I haven't been with my wife near as long as you have, but, my wife and I have had similar issues. I've treated her like shit for the last four years. Sex? HA! She didn't feel wanted or appreciated, or beautiful. So I've been doing small things she's pestered me about for the last couple years, and not only has out sex life improved, but our relationship as a whole. Pay attention to your wife. Sit and talk to her for a whole after work. She needs your attention and devotion. That's a universal woman need.

ha_gaaabe · Answer

just gotta sit her aside and try to have a serious conversation with her. i dont see any other way around it besides maybe counselling and that seem very unlikely. reassure her how you feel about her and that you feel maybe a little left out. no matter how much she hates talking about it you gotta get her to talk or at least listen to you. good luck.

bthomas89 · Answer

Just go down and eat her out while she's doing it. She'll love that.

Rashad · Answer

Send her to me - so she doesn’t have to masturbate

yourPisces · Answer

Tell her lets try mutual masturbation

Dxb506 · Answer

Not sure when this was posted but currently going through the exact same situation with the wife of 12 years. She does exactly the same thing as you mentioned. Not sure what to think about it.

Anonymous · Answer

It definitely could be to help her fall asleep. Have you ever asked her about sex during sex? Next time she initiates try dirty talk and see what she wants to do with her. Tune into her needs. Showing her you are open to doing what it takes to meet her needs might be a good way to get her to open up.