My boyfriend and I have both had sex with other people but I just can't figure out how to get over him being more experienced than I am?

[Anonymous]

i had only had sex a handful of times before my boyfriend and i got together - i had only lost my virginity about 10 months before and i had never had sex with anyone who even gave a shit about me. but my boyfriend had had sex with more people than i had and it was typically long term relationships with girls he cared about, and he had definitely had sex a lot of times because he had his first time about 7 years before we got together. he tells me my experience level doesn't matter but i literally can't get over it. it's been 6 months and i still get so anxious that i barely ever cum when we have sex. how do i get over the fact that he has more experience and has had sex with girls he has been in love with?

[gray_sailor]

some questions:

What do you suppose would be the ideal number of prior sexual encounters for your boyfriend? Why is that the ideal? What will happen as a result of your boyfriend not fitting this ideal? Would it have been better if his sexual experiences were not in the context caring, long term relationships?

What are you afraid of?

Do you worry that he will go back to a previous girlfriend? Do you fear that you won't ever meet his expectations? Do you think that this might make him leave you for a new sexual partner?

Has he done ANYTHING to merit this much worry?

Could you recognize that you have a loving, caring boyfriend (!!!) that right now wants to be with you exclusively. Might you come to understand that you are the beneficiary of all that he has learned before being with you? Can you understand that fretting about something you know can't be changed will, over time, sabotage this relationship? Do you understand that the success or failure of this relationship depends on your willingness to support and defend it?

[Asker]

I don't have an ideal number I just know he's probably had sex literally 100 times more than I have. I worry I will never live up to expectations or previous girlfriends in the bedroom because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I worry one of his ex girlfriends is going to come back and he will just be like lol bye and that he's only with me because he doesn't like being alone, he likes having someone, and that I'm actually just a rebound and he's still not over someone else. Now is this enough information for you to just answer my question or do you need my whole life story?

[gray_sailor]

Have you considered the possibility that your comparative innocence here just might be a source of attraction to your boyfriend? If this is true, then you are a singularly special lover for him.

[gray_sailor]

Right now YOU have a decision to make regarding how he gets to experience you: 1) "I wish she could have just relaxed, and been open and honest with me... It's like every time we were together she put up her defenses and she never let me in... too bad because I really liked her." -OR- 2)"I am simply amazed that we have been together for yet another year. That woman brings a freshness into my life that is just... just... intoxicating. I remember when we first got together, she was a little put off by my, shall we say... experience. But then , a most wonderful thing happened: She sat me down and said that even though she did not know what the future held for us, she knew that right now it was her & me... and that was enough. I've been with my share of women over the years, but she is just blew me away. She radiates this amazing trust. Nobody else even compares."

[Asker]

i guess that's possible. we talked about our experience level before we started hooking up (we were both kind of drunk) and i don't remember how it came up but he asked how old i was when i lost my virginity and i was so embarrassed, i was like um like less than a year ago. and he told me it was ok and not to be embarrassed and he always tells me not to be so hard on myself for being inexperienced and never having been in a relationship before. but do you think i should tell him what i told you? my concern that i can't measure up and that he will leave me for an ex or are these things that shouldn't be said?

[gray_sailor]

I appreciate that you sent me such a lengthy reply. Most of the questions that I asked were intended to be thought provoking. I wasn't expecting you to answer me directly. The message I want to leave with you is this: You only get so much energy, so much time, so much opportunity each day. Don't waste these with worry about what can't be changed. Don't fret about that which has not yet come to pass. The only things you really have are your self and this day. Enjoy this man who has come into your life. Make this day with him a good day and when tomorrow comes... repeat.

[gray_sailor]

Sex isn't like the Super Bowl where the second best team in the NFL are the LOSERS!!! Sex is like recreational golf. You are out there for the joy of it and the only comparison that matters is between your performance in this game and your performance in the previous one.

[gray_sailor]

Absolutely, you should share your concerns with him. These concerns are real for you and until they are addressed (which implies he needs to know about them), you will continue to feel insecure in this relationship. People in relationship always grow... they either grow apart or grow together.

[Asker]

Thanks for all your advice and for not being mean about it. I really appreciate it.

[gray_sailor]

You're very welcome.

[Red_Arrow]

Outstanding insight and abiity to express so well, You will be a super star on this site.

[Anonymous]

Don't stress out about that he's is with you now and he wants to be with you maybe that's what he likes about you that you don't have much experience anyways guys always like to teach girls instead of being taught