Do most guys think sex is degrading to women?

[Anonymous]

Otherwise, why so many fathers so protective about their daughters having sex but not their sons. Clearly both gender get their heartbroken, so it's not that. It's about sex and why do they feel it's awful if their daughter does it, but neutral to good when it's their son? It's also a common attitude in language, "Making someone your bitch" or generally that sex is bad for women. Is that what most guys think? What inspired me to ask this was my brother, who recently had twins, a boy and a girl. And his wife had arranged a playdate with two other kids. Him, some of his friends were watching them and well my nephew mainly played with the other girl so they made lots of jokes about them dating and even him getting laid. So since my niece played with the other boy, I pointed out, that she was also getting laid, which appearently wasn't funny Why the double standard?

[sa230e]

Yeah, pretty much.

My dad was like that. Never said a word to me about when I should have sex or who I should have sex with (and I never asked him) but he always tried to lay down the law with my sister. He forbade her from dating until she was 24. Of course, being the smart, independent girl she is she simply ignored him and did as she pleased. I always thought he was being a prick but I never told him. I never asked him why either because I'd rather do pretty much anything than than talk to my parents about sex. The only explanation he ever gave was something along the lines of "I was a teenager once, I know what they're like."

And that really gives you a glimpse of the ambivalence heterosexual men have towards their sexuality. As a woman you might think an absence of sexual shame is one of the perks of white, male privilege but it's not so. Most men, on some level, feel dirty about their sexuality. You just wouldn't know it because it doesn't really show in the way you would expect it to.

Like a lot of male psychological issues it operates below consciousness and manifests itself in other ways - usually it gets projected externally (onto women and girls) and that's where slut shaming, victim blaming and the madonna/whore complexes come from. You become divorced from your own emotions and feel them only through other people. It's a hard thing to explain to someone else and I can't do it in under 2000 characters (if it all).

Anyway, it also leads to putting (chaste) women on a pedestal. You don't see them as imperfect beings but as paragons of virtue, symbols of purity free from the nasty burden of sexuality that comes with being born with a penis. From that state of mind, sex (for pleasure) is something girls need to be protected from and female sexuality can be quite upsetting.

For some reason, there was a point in my life where I overcame a lot of my sexual shame and it really made more tolerant and approving of female sexuality. Most men haven't had this

[BellePepper]

That is really eye opening. Ty so much for such an interesting revelation.

[kheserthorpe]

Some might.

To some extent it might just be a double standard based on the fact sex used to be a risk primarily for women, versus a financial risk for men as well which it is now!

But there's also perhaps some reality in the fact that women really do seem to regret sex much more often than men do, and men's regrets around sex are mainly missed opportunities. So there may actually be some reason to worry that daughters will have sex with liars and be upset about it, where sons are much less likely to be hurt by having sex.

[Asker]

but well as I was saying in another comment, it's not just casual sex I've only ever had sex with my fiance and apparently he thinks that's awful too. He has that attitude towards all sex at any time And I find that's common too. It's not specific to casual sex or a large quantity of sex

[kheserthorpe]

Yup, some people really have a double standard based on an (occasionally true, sometimes very much not true) assumption sex is something men get from women, and that it's bad somehow. I don't know. my original answer based just on the question was going to be 'only if you do it right'.

[lumos]

But do these women regret the sex because they've been socialized to regret it?

[kheserthorpe]

@lumos I would love to say yes, and i think sometimes. But to my surprise, the answer is probably 'no'. I thin it depends on the nature of the sex. I remember at some point reading a bunch of stories of how people felt about losing their virginity. A really sad number of women regretted it - not because sex was bad bad bad, but because 'the guy turned out to be a jerk' or because the romance ended up feeling fake. I think people who just want to bang, well they will likely get that, though some later decide it's shallow. But people who are only having sex because they are so in love, often regret it if the love doesn't last. And that's something more often you see with women. I have to say I was initially surprised how different male and female responses were. And the women who were happy about it, they didn't care about the guy. They were ready to have sex, and happy they did it.

[lumos]

But that's the thing, it seems like women are more socialized to want sex because of the emotions and the attachment, whereas guys are socialized to have a more casual view towards sex.

[kheserthorpe]

@lumos tbh, i'd say men are HEAVILY socialized to want sex in relationships and to discourage casual sex. There's some element of pro-casual sex, but really as a boy growing up you get bombarded with 'relationship sex'. the driver for men to want casual sex is not socialization, it's nature versus how hard we socialize AGAINST it. As for women, we also socialize them against casual sex, but women have far more varied natural interests in casual sex. I think yes, there are probably some who like it and feel guilty about it, which is sad. But there are a lot who really -don't- like sex with people they aren't emotionally attached to. Some men don't either, but most men DO like random sex, if they don't pursue it it's more a choice that 'it's wrong' as opposed to 'i could never enjoy just slamming some hot girl'.

[Asker]

I'd have to disagree. Casual sex is everywhere in TV and other media. For boys that is, for girls much less so

[lumos]

Naah, not buying that.

[kheserthorpe]

@lumos I hope you're right

[BellePepper]

If a guy sees a girl as dirty or dirtier after he has had sex with her he is NOT the kind of guy you should be involved with.

I think the reason you got a blank response at the playdate was b. c. some people feel it's cute to sexualize their kids like that but then when you turn it around it starts sounding a little past creepy. So they were having what we can hope is an ah-ha moment. And boo gender roles.

[kheserthorpe]

I gotta say i kind of agree with point 1, at least if sex and being able to express yourself sexually matter to you. Seems to me the sort of guy who will have a laundry list of things he thinks only sluts do, and if you want it too much you're a slut, and if you're too eager you're a slut... ugh.

[BellePepper]

@kheserthorpe Agreed. It's not a good basis for an important facet of a relationship. We've even seen it on here. A guy asks to do something and the girl lets him but then he thinks less of the for letting him do it.

[abundantlyrich]

Girls are more likely to be vulnerable and seem to take every word a guy says or treats her as like a true boyfriend. Then they wound up here telling GAG how this guy left them after having sex with them. But they said, he did all the right things, treated her nice, said all the nice things to her. The fathers don't want their daughters to get hurt or be treated like a sex object.

[RationalLioness]

You said it. Double standard, but it's also about how many fathers wouldn't want some random guy to do to his daughter what they know their sons will. It's disrespectful to his "daughter" to treat her in such a way.

[Kinstrome]

The reason for "fathers protecting their daughters" is pretty clear: women face more dramatic consequences than men with sex (i. e. pregnancy), and women are also less physically able to defend against rape. Why wouldn't fathers be concerned? Before birth control, it was really a gamble to have sex if you were a woman.

The "making him/her your bitch" thing may have evolved out of prison. In less-than-classy setting, people show power by having others service them. It's not inherently men that do this, it's just that, in strength-based mini-societies like prison or the deep ghetto or very rural, run-down places, the leaders are usually male. There are women who have made men of lower standing service them, but this is less common and certainly less reported when it is real.

"Getting laid" is sort of the stereotypical "end" for guys; it's an idealized paradise that's more a stand-in for any good end-result than actually meaning having sex. The female stereotypical equivalent might be "meeting Mr. Right" or something. Women have generally been thought to not really enjoy sex that much, and some guys even assume that the woman isn't enjoying it. It's a surprise, I guess, to actually think about a young girl in the future enjoying sex.

Either that, or maybe he and his friends are just being snobs to you. I would have to have actually been there to know.

[Riverock]

It is a double standard I agree but I'm not sure if degrading is the right word.

I think it's more because sex is seen as a guy 'scoring' or getting the woman to agree to have sex with him. I think this leads to the idea that a guy who has a lot of sex is doing well while a girl who has a lot of sex is seen as being reckless or letting guys use her.

Also I think many feel like sex is more for the man than the woman. Many women complain guys are selfish lovers. And I think many believe that women prefer emotional support to sex. There have been a few questions here from girls asking why people are surprised girls masturbate and I think it's because most people don't really see girls as people with sex drives and sexual needs like they do with men.

Plus sex is seen as being a bigger risk for women. Pregnancy and crimes like rape are the main reason for this.

Then there's the whole slut shaming thing while guys who do the same are heroes.

Tl;dr: I think many believe that sex is better for men than it is for women.

[Asker]

It's not even a lot of sex. I've only ever had sex with my fiance and apparently he thinks that's awful too. He has that attitude towards all sex at any time And I find that's common too. It's not specific to casual sex or a large quantity of sex

[Riverock]

I think it's just because they see girls liking sex as being kinda wrong. So they try and 'protect' them from it. It's this real old fashioned way of thinking. I've never understood it myself either but I'm not a parent.

[KäseChäe]

During the height of the Islamic empire during the European dark ages, Cordoba, Alexandria, Bagdhad, and Constantinople were the knowledge capitols of the world (and Dublin, but that's for the history books.) It wasn't until the 1400;s that these centers began to fall from power, and shut themselves out, in a conservative revolution.

This is where we get our modern views of the muslim world, not of centers of knowledge, but abuse of human rights. Whether you believe that or not is up to you.

One of the new ideas of the muslim world when the centers of light and knowledge went black, was a greek mindset spoken about by Socrates, which deemed display of the male body in its entirety as a form of beauty. The female body, meanwhile, was taboo without some form or drapery. Which is why you almost never see a nude female greek statue. The idea is that the female is property of the male, (i. e She is someone's wife, or sister, or mother, or aunt) and you would never want to display something that was to be seen only by her husband.

Picture this, Baghdad in the eleven hundreds, a woman goes to market. While there she is looked up and down by merchants, gawked at, essentially treated as a piece of meat. While there she sees some wild man brought from a colony, who is nearly completely naked.

Imagine being her husband, or father and performing her daily market trip with her, or having her tell you about the half naked wild man? Instinctively men have a desire to protect whom they believe to be weak, especially is they genuinely care about someone. SO - village elders meet, meditate, pray on the texts of Mohammad, and a tradition is born similar to that of the greeks... Women are draped, and not allowed to go to market without a male counterpart.

This is just a rough hypothetical scenario to help grasp the concept. It isn't sex that necessarily bothers man, it's losing control of their baby girls, whom they love. It's a sense of losing possession.

[KäseChäe]

Not to say in the least that a woman is the possession of a man. She is most certainly not. This is just to underline the philosophical concept behind your question

[Asker]

But here's the thing, in those societies father literally lose all right about their daughters, when they marry. Because then all of them get passed on the husband. And I've seen a lot of heartbreaking stories of women getting abused by their husband and their fathers not being able to do a thing about it, because that is their legal right. So sounds like a bad idea overall

[KäseChäe]

Of course it is. But it's changed a lot in western society.

[aKKordingtoGreta]

Cause sex is seen as a reward for men, and women are supposed to be the prize. Men are the takers, women are the givers crap.

[dev765]

Pretty much this.

[Prof_Don]

Me personally, I don't find sex degrading to women at all. Why? Because I understand and fully grasp, that the female primal brain likes dominance in a sexual partner.

[Jersey1]

Father get stuck raising their girls children when she becomes a single mom. They dont get tsuck when it is their son who has a child with someone elses daughter.

[dudeman]

Girls get pregnant and a shitty guy will ditch her then her and her child will become a burden to the family and society as a whole. Thats pretty much why. This is why doweries existed. Men used to have to pay to have their daughters taken off their hands.

[cjmtherfcker]

Some will say Females have more to risk from having sex than males. This is why women generally tend to work towards some type of relationship first before having sex. Just in case she gets pregnant. There were not always laws that said you had to take care of a kid, and apparently many countries don't have laws like this.

[Asker]

but even in relationships it has a bad reputation

[phanindra554]

No until he is treating you like a slave that is not a degrate to a woman and you said double standard but actually it is not it is girls understanding that is great of being a girl they talks about many things but actually they don't do in reality and girl are so emotional so they can't find this as a degrate you also have to think like you are giving pleasure to your man you are giving so you have to be pride in this matter.

[hypno-trip]

Women are sometimes seen as such forbidden prizes to men. And sex is when we can finally break past all the social barriers and have our carnal ways with them so yeah we sometimes think of it as a degrading thing to women and a releasing thing for us.

[StickStickity13]

Girls don't want to hear this, but we aren't the same in this regard. The son is supposed to be banging girls, the girl shouldn't be. This is at least the common thought of many families.

[Asker]

but I was asking why? Why do many people think like that? Do they think sex for girls is something awful and humiliating, that they want to protect their daughters from it?

[GoldCobra]

Rough sex is seen as degrading. I'd say passionate sex is not.

[Anonymous]

It's not a double standard. Fathers are naturally more protective of their daughters because they know how a teenage guy's mind works better than she does. Mothers are the ones who are more protective of their sons maybe because they know how females think better than he does. Both genders get it. Not just girls

[Anonymous]

I suppose some guys feel that way. I will be honest, I think I'm one of them. I can't imagine my nieces when they get older, having sex. And I don't want to imagine. I suppose maybe due to p*rn , it seems like women are being degraded. The thought of it just disgustingly shocks me. With a woman, like my future wife, it's different though. We would be making passionate love to each other. I don't find that degrading, because we are both enjoying each other and sharing our love for each other. I would hope it's the same for my nieces, but I just don't want to imagine/think of them actually having it.

[Anonymous]

Because the vagina is the trophy and we are the players. Everyone is trying to get that trophy and some will do whatever it takes to get it.

[Anonymous]

People are stupid and confused. They don't think things through... and let society's mores dictate how they live... and just pass that shit on to the next generation because it's easier to do. They want their children to act the same way because they believe it will be easier for their children to just go along with it and not make waves.

[Anonymous]

It's an unfair double standard but women are still more vulnerable to men generally than the other way around, it's just in our nature. Of course men can get hurt too but women are more likely to get emotionally involved with people they f*** whereas men can f*** anyone and not get emotionally involved unless they have an actual reason to have feelings for the girl. Girls tend to be more prone to getting attached after sex, whether the feelings they have for the guy are real or not.

It is not true that sex is bad for women it's only bad if she doesn't enjoy it for whatever reason or the man doesn't satisfy her. Women are of course capable of finding sex pleasurable, I do unless the guy is bad in bed.

As for the joke about the kids, that is such an unfair double standard and I have no explanation for that because you were obviously just joking lol.

[Anonymous]

Only an idiot would think that. Fathers are worried their girl will get pregnant and ruin everybody's lives.