Sexual Relationships
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Was I raped or is it normal?

I'm in 9th grade (Just turned 15), and this boy is in 12th (Almost 18), and I had a crush on him for a few months before we went on our first date a few weeks ago. I was so excited when he asked me for a third date at his house. I arrived at his house thinking it would be a dinner with the parent thing. But his single dad was gone for the weekend for a business trip. So we were alone at his house for a movie night. I was nervous about it because of all the stories you hear, but he was really handsome and funny and I didn't feel like he would do anything. (I was a virgin and wanted to wait until marriage.) Everything was fine until he started sliding his hands on my thighs, arms, etc. I didn't like that, and I shifted away, but didn't know how to say that I didn't like the touching. I didn't want to be rude, stupid as that sounds. He kept getting closer, so I stood up to go to the bathroom, but he grabbed my wrist and pulled me back down to the couch, laughing. (Um, then he got on top of me... Sorry if this is too detailed but as I'm recalling this I need to express everything. He was still holding one of my wrists, and he sat on my stomach. I didn't say anything, just coughed, because he's a lot taller and thus heavier than I am and his weight was crushing. He told me he could teach me how to have sex, and I didn't say anything. I don't know why I didn't say anything; I was scared, it's hard to explain. It's like I lost my voice. He told me that my lip was trembling. And he took my clothes off, then his clothes, put a condom on, and had sex with me. I didn't move the whole time and I escaped into a daydream to ignore the pain. Afterwards, he hugged me goodnight. That was last week.) So was that rape? What if he didn't know I felt that scared, since I didn't speak? Next week I'm supposed to go on a date with him again. I'm not asking friends/family obviously. I'm just so lost. He's acting like nothing happened, so did nothing happen? I don't want to upset him.
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Most Helpful Girls

  • 1. You didn't say yes
    2. You didn't "Intend" to have sex. "I was a virgin and wanted to wait until marriage" you had no plan or desire to have sex at that time.
    3. You didn't "Show" any interest and especially positive responses to his actions, Your responses were either "negative" or nothing.
    4. He physically overwhelmed you and did not wait to hear or see any positive responses in return.
    5. "He told me that my lip was trembling", He literally saw and found your negative psychological response to his actions and continued what he was doing without stopping to make sure the interest is mutual.
    6. and in the end you are not legal according to the laws of your country. If it was in my country you could give consent "With the awareness of your parents and not all by yourself" as he is considered a teenager at nearly 18 too, but in your country it was an illegal act.

    So considering all of these, it wasn't a mutual activity. and if you were my own daughter I would 100% charge the boy because in my eyes sex with my daughter at the age of 15 without telling me and with all the description "is" rape.

    considering the laws in the USA too it is simply rape. In my country if you gave consent it wouldn't be rape. But with the description and the fact that your parents did not know about it it would be considered taking advantage of a minor and rape.

    He took advantage of you, this is for sure.

    What he should have done?
    - He should first consider the legal age and that he cannot have sex with an underage girl. so he should not have sex with you.
    - Second he should have considered being 100% sure about having your consent. so even if he wanted to have sex with a 15 year old he should have done it in a secure relationship which your parents were aware of it and he expressed his intention long before he do it.

    What you should have done? You should have told your parents you are having a relationship and going to a stranger's house.

    what you should do in the future? first you "have to" make your parents aware. Do not fear that. You had to make them aware before even wanting a relationship at your age. The first and foremost mistake was yours to go to the house of some boy without telling it to your parents in that age.

    And then after telling let them help you and solve the problem. If they find they should charge the boy they will. and if you are having pressure on you psychologically only your parents can help you. So go and tell them.

  • Wow this is a tough one...

    From the sound of it, one might interpret it as rape. BUT at no time did you say NO or make it otherwise clear that you did not, under no circumstance want to have sex.
    you didn't specify in your question if you had previously talked about virginity or waiting until marriage.
    I get the impression he just thought you where nervous and awkward. I am sure that if you would have told him to stop he would have.

    I know everyone is taking sides with you, saying it was rape; but I need to be fair towards the guy too.
    He is not 18 YET, so tecnically he did not have sex with a minor, because he is still a minor himself. The way he iniciated sex was stupid nonetheless.
    It really seems like he just assumed you where up for it. (otherwise he would not have asked for another date)

    You two went on a couple of dates, then sex happened and you have another date scheduled. How could he even know what went on in your head, or how you where feeling if you didn't say anything?

    There is a big big chance he thinks everything is fine. it is time to speak up for yourself. Make sure you tell him what happened and how it made you feel. I'm sure he will care about what you have to say. Maybe you can work it out together and keep on dating (if YOU want to, nevermind if it will upset him or not). However, if you feel that he crossed a line and that you are not OK with it and will not be OK with it anytime soon, you will have to stop seeing him and go to a counselor to work this out in your head and your feelings about it.

    Next time speak up!! Say what you want and don't want. It is your body and you are the only one who can decide what to do with it.

    • The fact that he had to sit in her stomach to keep her in place shows he knows she didn't want it. He raped her and he knows it too. He probably thinks she will be too shy, scared and embarrassed to say anything to anyone.

    • that is not what she said @shadiamond. He did that yes but just for a moment. To be able to undress her and himself and put a condom on, he had to get up and let her go basically. I have yet to meet a man that can do all of that sitting down and with one hand. There was enough time for her to make it clear that she did not want it. I really think that he was not aware that she didn't want to. He's an idiot, but he is no rapist.

    • There was also enough time for him to ask her permission first instead of assuming she wanted it. He noticed her lip was trembling and probably knew she was nervous and too scared to move. Some grown women out there are too scared to say anything or fight when they're being raped and you expect a teen to? It's a normal response. He's a rapist. You have your opinion and I have mine. Let's just agree to disagree.

  • Technically there were no words. So "technically" no. However, your actions insinuated that you did not want it (at first). The thing is, you should have said something about this... Yes, he knew you were uncomfortable and didn't want it... he seen you as vulnerable being young and took advantage. This is a really hard question. One hand, he knew you were uncomfortable, but guys assume if you really didn't want it, you would say no. And, you should have said no. I understand you were uncomfortable, but if you are too young to speak up, then you shouldn't be dating. No offense. I am really not trying to be mean here... I was too almost raped when I was 16 years old... but when the guy tried to force himself on me, I spoke up and started walking home. I know it kind of paralyzes you when this happens and you don't expect it to happen to you so that is why you are paralyzed and can't talk, but you must. Really, nothing can be done about this. He WILL try this again, and then you tell him no. IF he tries to force himself on you, then you get him for rape.

    I am sorry you had to deal with this... He is an asshole because I am SURE he knew you didn't want it.

    • I have spoken to my father and our family lawyer, and they have informed me that if you did not "consent" then it can be considered rape and it can hold up in court. They said to tell your parents about this and then from there call the police. This happened to me once and I did not consent.. I just acted like it was my fault for not telling him no. I did tell him no... several times.. but then I just allowed him to continue... and I felt bad about it.. didn't say a word.. and since I lost my virginity to him... and wanted to wait until marriage, I stayed with him for it. And, I stayed with him for a long time. It actually became a normal relationship.. but it was still wrong.

    • also, since he took you to his fathers house (and you didn't know his father wasn't there), then he obviously had planned on sleeping with you and taking advantage of you. This is a RED flag. So, this actually can hold up in court. Sorry, I just am analyzing all this now...

  • What you did was completely normal in that situation. Yes, it was rape because, as you expressed, you were scared so much you couldn't think straight. You froze up and adverted yourself to somewhere else. Just because you didn't say no doesn't mean it wasn't rape. You couldn't handle the situation you were in and became emotionally numb. What he did was wrong and you have NO reason to believe that is normal. Sex on the third date for some one your age is unlikely, specially if you are a virgin.

    Some girls and women choose to speak out against their rapists while others don't want to bring it up ever again. Both is completely understandable but only one will get him the punishment he deserves. It's your choice, but whatever you choose I suggest talking to someone about it. Don't think your parents will be mad at you either, this is probably one of their worst nightmares that could happen to you. They'll never be mad at you, so I encourage you to at least tell them, whichever you're closer too.

Most Helpful Guys

  • It sounds like rape to this old man, but I doubt that the young man thought that he was raping you. That makes it a difficult situation.
    How much do you like this boy?
    Do you want to go on the next date with him?
    If he thought that he had raped you, he would certainly have not asked you on another date.
    A lot of girls, I would suggest most girls, are turned on by a male who is forceful and 'takes' what he wants, although that should stop short of rape.
    I realise that you were paralysed by fear, but you really should have said something.
    It sounds to me as though there has been a horrible miscommunication between the two of you. My suggestion would be to sit down with him and tell him how you feel. He will probably be horrified and apologise to you a few thousand times.
    Contrary to what the feminist loons say, very few men are capable of raping someone. To most males, the idea of rape is abhorrent.
    If you like this boy, have that talk with him and then move forward from there. Do whatever you want to do in terms of seeing him again (or not).

  • "Everything was fine until he started sliding his hands on my thighs, arms, etc. I didn't like that, and I shifted away, but didn't know how to say that I didn't like the touching. I didn't want to be rude, stupid as that sounds. He kept getting closer, so I stood up to go to the bathroom, but he grabbed my wrist and pulled me back down to the couch, laughing."

    definetely rape

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • Yes that is rape and you should go to the police. You're probably not the first and won't be the last. You're underage and you didn't want to. You didn't have to verbally say "no" your body language was enough.

  • If you have to ask yourself if it was rape, then it was. I'm sorry this happened to you, and I'm even more sorry it was by someone you trusted. You need to talk to your mom/ dad or an adult you trust to let them know this occurred.

  • I think it was rape. You gave resistance by shifting away his hands and standing up. He must've been a total retard if he thought you liked it. Talk to your parents about it. They might be shocked at first and tell you that you should've said no to him, but later they'll probably understand. Ofcourse you should've said no to him, but I understand It's hard at a moment like that. You were naive, which is not uncommon at age 15. I'm not sure if he can be accused of rape, but let's not give up hope. You clearly showed resistance, so maybe he can.

  • YOU, seriously need to learn to talk. and to stand up for yourself. It's either that, or you kiinda wanted to have sex with him or didn't mind it.

  • It sucks that so many stories like this happen because the girl wanted to be polite and not be rude and say no.
    It sounds like rape. If you are doing and saying nothing that is not a yes and he should have asked if anything was wrong.
    But he didn't, because if you weren't saying no then he saw it as free sex. He didn't care into know if you wanted it or not and only cared that you were compliant.
    Sounds like you were in shock, no consent was given which makes it rape.

  • lack of consent is still not giving consent. yes means yes, being so scared you can't speak should have been a loud ad clear NO to most people... most people who are not rapists that is. He is a rapist it is VERY obvious when someone wants to have sex with you and there is NO FUCKING WAY he could even begin to claim he thought you wanted to.

  • Not saying no doesn't mean you consent. If you don't consent, it's rape. I'm sorry to say this but he did rape you and you need to tell someone.
    Even if this is not an event that has effected you traumatically please tell someone to prevent this from happening to another person.
    Not speaking is not the thing to do. Speak up and speak out so that we can give these people what they deserve and help protect others from these assholes.
    Tell your parents and go to the police

  • Sweetheart, you need to learn to say NO otherwise you will let people walk all over you your entire life. So instead of disappointing him by saying no you let him have sex with you. You are worth so much more than this. Do not go on a date with him, tell him you don't want to see him again. You don't need to give him a reason, he doesn't deserve an explanation but if you feel up to it then tell him you felt incredibly pressured to have sex and you don't feel safe with him.

    Do not meet him again. Just don't.

  • "Everything was fine until he started sliding his hands on my thighs, arms, etc. I didn't like that, and I shifted away, but didn't know how to say that I didn't like the touching. I didn't want to be rude, stupid as that sounds. He kept getting closer, so I stood up to go to the bathroom, but he grabbed my wrist and pulled me back down to the couch, laughing."

    I'm sorry that happnef to you. Yes, It's a rape. You didn't want to let him get close to yo. You tried to shift away. But you he grabbed your wrist and pulled you down. He noticed you were scared that your lips started to tremble. You didn't say NO, BUT you were struggling to move away. Still, he took advantage of you... which is a rape.

    The fact that you accepted another date with him even after what happened made him feel that you were okay with what he did. You should tell your parents and police about it.

    But you should really need to learn to say NO in your life otherwise, some patetic bastard gonna take advantage of you again... Please, tell your parents about it.

  • I do hope you are NOT going on any more dates with him.. But what I do hope you WILL DO is to report this at once.. You must at least tell your parents, who will be supportive and knowledgeable enough to know what to do.

    For one thing you are under the legal age, and secondly you did not consent to his advances in any way.

    Therefore in the eyes of the law.. This is RAPE.. Please make sure he pays for it.. Otherwise he will just continue to rape and abuse other young girls, which am sure you wouldn't like.

  • Hmm. Tricky.

    I suppose it depends who's viewpoint. You didn't want to, but you didn't say or do anything. You didn't push him off, you didn't say yes or no. You did nothing.

    From your viewpoint you didn't want to yes it was. He was force able with you.

    From his viewpoint you didn't say or do anything and he probably put your lack of words or movement down to fear of it being your first time.

    If you want to press charges that's up to you but I would recommend talking to someone.

    Also... Next time just be clear when it starts with the thigh rubbing... Say "no".

  • You probably don't have a case for rape since you never said no and did not resist, but he certainly took advantage of you.

    If I were you, I would not have anything to do with him ever. And if I were your older brother, I would sense what was going on and beat him until he understood what being taken advantage of meant.

  • That was definitely rape. Do not, DO NOT go out with him again.

    I would tell your guidance counselor or someone who can get you counseling because something like this can affect you mentally and it's best to get help now. You might think you're okay and nothing bad happened, but this is serious and you need to talk to someone you are comfortable with.

    He definitely knew you were scared, he's flippin' eighteen. He also knows he shouldn't be forcing you onto a couch and raping you. Just because you didn't say no doesn't mean he has the right to have sex with you.

  • Yes... he raped you...
    I am sorry

  • He raped you!!! Why on earth did you accept another date with him? You should be setting up a date with him and the jail!

    • because she has a crush on him and wants to date him. sounds natural to me.

  • That was rape. Especially if he sat on top of you and kept you in place. And he's way bigger than you, knew that, and used his size to his advantage. I'd call the police. You might not have said anything, but your body language would have told anybody you didn't want it. Fuck upsetting him, he crossed boundaries with that.

  • oh dear god you poor thing. This was definitely not okay for one thing you never intended to sleep with this boy nor did you verbally agree to. This was definitely RAPE and you should tell your parents promptly do not be afraid to tell them what happened as well as do not blame yourself since this boy obviously took advantage of your trust in him. After you tell your parents I can assure you the weight on yourself will be lifted and they will do everything they can to make things right for you.

  • There is no way that he did not pickup that you were terrified. He even said that your lip is trembling. He knew it was against your will even if you were too terrified to speak out. This guy is a rapist. What he did to you he probably did to other girls before, and he will do it again. You will struggle with guilt and sexual anxiety for perhaps the rest of your life if you do not stand up for your rights now. Tell your parents, a teacher, social worker or someone that can help you deal with this. Don't keep it locked in. Good luck dear.

  • he thinks you were willing, but you did not involve yourself in foreplay, you did not voluntarily become involved, this is rape no mater what if ur 15 and he is 18, speak to the people on Samaritans help line, or victim support. he held you and saw your lip tremble, he could have thought this was excitement, but he did not ask permission in any way. I hope your ok, not all men are like that.

  • He never got your permission, he just did what he wanted to you. That's rape. He probably knew you were scared stiff too.

    • And he had to sit on your stomach to keep you in place. Don't mind these ignorant people. He KNOWS within himself that he raped you. Your silence did not give him permission. He knew what he was doing was wrong.

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