I get upset and then my boyfriend has sex with me even though I tell him he shouldn't do anything he doesn't want to?

[Anonymous]

so a couple of times when my boyfriend has turned me down for sex (either he's been tired, sore or I've been on my period and he doesn't want to) I've gotten sad and like turned away from him if we're in bed. he'll ask me if i'm okay and i'll say yeah i just feel like bad you dont wanna have sex with me or say i feel unnatractive to you or just say yeah im fine but really horny. (i know i shouldn't feel like this but yeah i do) sometimes he will then just be like fuck it okay lets do it then. and i'll be like no not if you dont want to. ill stop and ask him if he's sure and if he wants to (cos i really really dont wanna have sex with someone who doesn't want to) and he'll pull me to him and keep kissing me and then we'll have sex. bear in mind its always him that initiates and starts touching me even tho i sort of try to stop him to make sure he's okay with it The whole thing makes me feel bad cos i 100% dont want him to do anything he doesn't wanna do. I have told him he doesn't have to in any way and that i probably just have a higher sex drive than him. i know i shouldn't get so visibly upset but i can't help it. i think he feels he has to have sex with me when i get like that even tho i tell him its fine. i dont really want him to have sex with me when he's not feeling it. i have told him this.. i dunno how to change this pattern. like of me feeling upset about it and then him possibly feeling like he has to even tho i tell him im gonna go to sleep and that he shouldn't feel like he needs to or to feel pressured cos i was just asking if he wants to. anyone else experienced anything like this?

[hellionthesage]

Well, whether you wish to believe it or intend for it, you acting that way is manipulating him. Now I do believe that some times , both men and women, have to just do it even if there not in the mood because sex is vital to a relationship and you compromise on all other things, sex really shouldn't be any diffrent. That said if you have a good sex life then what your doing is wrong. I am not trying to come off as judging you, but it is manipulative of him. You both need to compromise. That means you have to understand that sometimes he is not going to want sex, just as much as it means that sometimes he is going to have to have sex to make you happy. You both need to sacrifice for each other equally. If you have self esteem issues, you need to talk to some one about it because the fact that he is with you, the fact that he is putting your needs above his own shows that he cares, and the fact that all of this doesn't seem to be enough for you shows that you have issues to deal with. This is not an attack by any means, its just very important that you acknowledge it to yourself, otherwise the problem will persist and eventually he will begin to resent you for putting your needs above his. Why do you have low self esteem that this is an issue?

[Asker]

that's what I worry about cos I don't want him to feel manipulated. I do tell him repeatedly that he shouldn't have to do anything he wants to do and ask him is he sure like multiple times and stop in between. I have let him have sex with me too when I haven't been sure and have told him not to. also I know he cares about me a lot and I think that's why he does it anyway I know I do have self esteem issues that I need to deal with but I dunno how really (cant afford therapy - also have before and it just made me feel really shitty and down) I don't know how to change this whole thing cos I know its not right. at the same time I am just being honest about how I feel

[hellionthesage]

For starters if he turns you down, except it. If you tell him how you feel about it obviously he is going to try and have sex when he doesn't want to. This is the part that makes it come off as very manipulative. Why do you have self esteem issues?

[Asker]

so I shouldn't be honest? thing is, if I don't say anything, whch has happened before, I just trun away so he can't see im upset and then ill go real wuite so hell keep asking me whats up and then I tell him why and that whole cycle happens. I don't see why he feels he has to even tho im like well yeah I am horny but its fine. im obviously horny if im asking him if he wants to have sex I have self esteem issues cos he's my first boyfriend and I always felt like im not very attractive

[driel]

Sounds like you two are on two different wavelengths sexually. I've rarely ever turned down a girlfriend in the past for sex because I can get in the mood almost any time. It's hard to say what's wrong, is he depressed because that can affect a guys libido, medication too. I'd have to be dead tired or disinterested in her entirely to say no. Have you guys talked more in depth about what's happening so you can at least understand where each person is coming from?

[Asker]

no he's not depressed. he doesn't say no all the time, its okay been a handful of times in the 6-7 months. He says no to sex on my period cos he doesn't like the idea of it. He has been tired probably 3-4 times and turned it down because he says he's too exhausted. He also said last time we talked that he can't cum too much bc it becomes sore and it hurts so there's that. he also said he gets worried it'd be bad and that he wouldn't be able to make me cum I don't know how else to talk to him about it cos I don't want him to feel like he's beig pressurised to have sex

[Coffinspire]

All the time! I'm going to read the opinions to see if there is a good answer, because I'm married now and it keeps getting worse and now I'm the only one that initiates even cuddling! I wish I was as nice as you are because I get so angry. I have yet to find anything that works. My husband always feels bad when I get upset about it and THEN we have sex.

I just want you to know that it has NOTHING to do with you. I always felt awful thinking that it was me, but it's really not. Don't get too upset about it he might have something else going on that's stressing him out.

[Asker]

aww that's good to hear you have the same. im 22 by the way, so we are pretty much the same age. I thought it was supposed to be a guy's dream to have a girlfriend who wants it all the time, but apparently not haha. I got really really upset once got we went our first little holiday in a hotel for 2 nights and he didn't wanna do anything the first night. and I just thought we spent all that money and he didn't wanna make the most of it? usually he is legit tired tho or im on my period and I think he's scared of that. whole thing makes me feel shitty afterwards. thank you

[KidanisCortes]

you sound like you are overthinking this

[Asker]

well I don't want him to do anything he doesn't wanna do. but also it makes me feel bad that he keeps turning me down