Sexual Relationships
+1 y

What to do when sex is boring and your boyfriend doesn't want to try something new?

I've been with my boyfriend for one year now and living together for 4 months. After I moved in with him our sex life got predictable and I've been trying to introduce him to new ideas. When we comes to sex, we are very different, as I like it more rough and he's more vanilla. I've been trying to show him new positions when we watch porn together, buying toys, doing it in different places and he refuses everything. He says sex doesn't need to be amazing for him and he's ok with how we are doing it, but I'm not and he knows that, I've stated it before. I just don't know how to get him to be more open even about small things. The other day, for example, I mentioned I like being kissed on my neck and he laughed it off and said "for what?". I'm very open minded when it comes to sex and willing to try anything at least once, I've asked him about fantasies and he says he doesn't have one. I went through this porn sites to see what he was watching, maybe something he was not willing to tell me and we could try, but he watches the 'normal' stuff. I would like advices on how people who have been in this position made their sex life better.
Updates:
+1 y
I would like to make an update and say that sex is a big part of a relationship for me, but also I don't see a reason to break up because of it (at least not for now) when he has so many qualities and we get along well. I would rather improve our sex, really work on it, than just break things off.
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Most Helpful Guys

  • If you want to train something, get a dog.

    If you want to be with a man that "naturally" gives you a fulfilling sex life, well, this doesn't sound like your guy.

    Unfortunately, no offense to porn stars, but if you ever happen to go to one of these adult entertainment conventions, you'll notice one thing that's very similar across the board for all male entertainers - they're not exactly the brightest crayons in the box.

    It's called "cognitive capacity." When a man's "cognitive capacity" is low, he develops certain thinking patterns over his life that make it "easier" for him to focus on "smaller" and "less complex" tasks.

    Men with a "larger" cognitive capacity develop certain thinking patters over their life that push the brain into trying to handle "larger" and "more complex" tasks. That doesn't mean the "total number of tasks" increased, only that the "size and complexity" of a "single" task increases. These men are more likely to develop anxiety, manic/depressive disorder, or ADD/ADHD.

    Male porn stars invariably have a very "low" cognitive capacity. This is excellent, because one of the benefits of a "low" cognitive capacity is that the mind feels "full" or "satisfied" when performing a relatively simple and straightforward tasks. Think about employees at work who are bored for example. They are engaged in tasks that are not stimulating enough, and cannot resist the urge to look for "additional stimulation" to fill up and occupy their "excess cognitive capacity." This is not the case with men with a low cognitive capacity.

    So, male porn stars can easily get and stay erect, can quickly become aroused, and can focus on the task at hand without getting distracted or bored.

    Here is where women have to unfortunately make a trade-off. Star athletes, actors, musicians, artists, successful businessmen and professionals do not succeed without a large cognitive capacity. Conversely, criminals who get caught and end up in prison overwhelmingly have a low cognitive capacity. So, cognitive capacity is a proxy for future success, which is probably important in terms of being comfortable in life, raising and supporting a family.

    So, you'll really have to decide what is more important to you, just like most other women have to decide: a good sex life, or a comfortable life for yourself and your children (because you can rarely have both. . . with the same man).

  • If you have not already done so, I would try to sit him down and talk to him outside of the bedroom. Let him know how important the relationship is to you and that you want to make it work. Let me know that you understand that he may not be into all the same things as you are but its something that you really enjoy. Ask him if he will compromise. Sometimes when you have sex it will be things that he wants to do, but other times he will open up and do the things you are interested in.

    If he is still not willing to compromise you have a lot of thinking to do. The expression of sexuality is one of the prime pleasures of life and if your partner is unwilling to pleasure you it can lead to resentment or even cheating or a break up.

    I know you dont want to break up but its important to value your own happiness too. There are over 7 billion people on the planet. there are guys who you will get along with just as well who will be into the same stuff as you.

    • Nice, thank you for replying and I totally agree that it doesn't always need to be something I like, but every now and then, just to spice things up, it would be very nice. We do think communication is key and maybe another conversation about it would help, otherwise I need to think if this can become a dealbreaker in the future.

    • Your welcome and good luck!

Most Helpful Girls

  • ... I'm kind of in a similar situation. A friend played a semi joke on me a while back: we were in a call and he was watching porn while I was watching funny videos. At one point he said he was jerking off, but I didn't believe him and kept talking. So when he suddenly gasped loudly and asked me if I wanted him to cum for me me, I froze solid. The voice he used, the strained lust in his tone hit me down there like a dam being destroyed. I just listened to his dirty talk and pleading for a minute or two before finally saying yes and then he came (once again, rather loudly). I had never known that simply talking in that way could get me that turned esp for someone who to this day normally does not elicit sexual feelings in me. It just happened. My boyfriend wasn't even mad about it. He just laughed and said that he always knew my friends were strange as fuck.

    My point? My boyfriend is not quite vanilla in the normal way. He's got some kinky kinks (ha!) going for him, but they aren't in the rough/aggressive sense. He just doesn't have thay kind of oomph! my friend has. And what about it? I've accepted it. I love him. He turns me on easily, just not to that scary magnitude that dirty talking did. And that's enough for me. I would never give him up over one preference.

    That's just my experience. Hard not to go Anon on this, but I refuse to use that option.

  • Okay, so you've had those long loving, frank, open, honest and non-threatening discussions with him concerning your sexual needs, wants, kinks, fetishes and desires, yet he still continues to ignore your needs. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you can't change people and you can't make them do things they don't want to do. If you've talked to him repeatedly, he still won't budge and he just continues to blow you off, then he's a hopeless stick in the mud. At some point you just have to give up and get a new boyfriend. Thank goodness you didn't get married first. Better luck with the next guy.

  • Pretty much move back out of his place and open your relationship to where you two are not exclusive and can date around.
    If he refuses all attempts to get him more into your groove you would be foolish to continue in a relationship that is destined to fail anyway.

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What Girls & Guys Said

3 12

  • To be fair I think most average women find sex boring to start with. srs.

    Only a minority of women have sex drives and desires as intense as men, most of those women are sluts or pornstars or simply just some woman who masturbates a lot at home with toys.

    But for the more average woman with the more average female sex drive it's all less interesting and less exciting to them. Heck many average women don't even masturbate.

    It has been documented that in fact a minority of women can't even orgasm even when they masturbate. Those are the really low libido women.

    • Maybe you didn't read my post? The one who doesn't seem to have desire is my boyfriend, my sex drive has always been very high and that is the point of my whole problem.

  • I suggest you find a good couple's counselor. Tell him the situation is threatening the relationship.

  • We don't fall in love because sex was great , but when we fell in love, sex was great. What happens, life happens with the daily routine and we forget what is essential. It is said that sex is not the cause but one of the symptoms of something else not being right. People do fall out of love and sex won't keep them together. Maybe sexually the two of you have differences, you need to figure out if compromise is possible, Not wanting to try something to please you could be a sign he's already taking you for granted or that he's a bit selfish , 4 months living together and you are there, like a old couple. The two of need to talk and see where your relationship is going, He's closed minded to spicing it up and that's what you miss, so?

  • Well if he doesn't want to be super freaky then find someone else or accept that he's not as freaky as you.

  • Just start doing freaky things to him like taking him all in your mouth and licking his balls.

    Edit: Wow, won't even kiss your neck? What the fuck kind of girly man are you with? The way I've gotten women to do crazy things is just by doing them (Eg. If I want anal play I'll start touching around her asshole while eating her pussy and if I don't get protested then I'll put a finger up there, if no protest then I'll eventually put my finger up it while fucking, and eventually put my dick up her arse.)

    • Also, never listen to AustinMan. He offers some of the shittiest advice on this website, typically suggesting relationship ending actions (couples counselling, really? those places are always one sided and will make a guy feel teamed up on).

  • Welp its time for you to pull back.

  • I truly feel sorry for you.

    As a straight guy, I only know what it's like to be with a female partner whose ultra starfish vanilla, and to experience the full force of her wrath when this feedback is given back to her. The only solution for us guys in this situation is to exit the relationship as smoothly as possible. I hope there's a better ending for you and your relationship.

  • You can either give up sex, or give up your boyfriend.

  • hi I had the same problem what I did was tell a sex trainer he told him about the our sex life. This might sound crazy but the sex trainer has sex with your boyfriend after that he does not mind having oral sex with means good late nights.

  • He’s lucky u want to try new things. I’m in a relationship where I’m kinky and she has conservative views do not interested in trying anything outside the box :(

  • Watch 50 shades together and ask him of anything looks fun

  • Now you know how every other guy in the world feels (and we have to put up with it).

    • And now you know this is not just guys' problems :) We go through the same sometimes.

    • Why do you have to put up with it? Why couldn't you try to find a solution like the asker is doing? All relationships have their issues. The good ones are when the couple works on solving those issues.

  • You should persuade him to do so make him turn on.

  • Find a guy on the side like me who's kinky

    • Joking

  • Training a puppy is very similar, in that they are very self absorbed and no life experiences.
    He might have to go without sex for awhile until he begins to do a few simple things "your way".
    Also train him that once per week is a special sex night, which might begin with vanilla to create the habit, then take turns with slightly new ideas, then become erotic story night where the reader gets ravaged (similar to the story line) by the other naked bedmate.

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