Feeling disconnected from my boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend of four months has fairly severe depression (he has bad fatigue.. he can sleep 10 hours and still be exhausted, literally NO sex drive whatsoever, self loathing, doesn't feel excitement/only has litle happy moments, etc.) and he has an appointment with a psychiatrist next week. His depression has been an issue for him for years but he says it's steadily getting worse and affecting him more. It's really been affecting our relationship that past two months. We haven't had any type of sexual contact in 5 or 6 weeks. He took me out for a nice date last Tuesday (he tries to take me out at least once if not twice a week) and bought me a new purse and perfume; he also told me he loved me that night. I love him too but I'm realizing that I'm feeling more and more disconnected from him than I was before the sex stopped. I'm feeling more disconnected and more irritable/cranky with him. He's getting on my nerves more and I feel like we're arguing more. I talked to him last night about it and said I miss being close with him and having that emotional connection and intimacy and he agreed and said he misses it too and said we'd start working on it even before his appointment. We have a date night tomorrow and he said he wants to have try and have sex and be close again. Honestly it's not that I'm horny because I've never been able to orgasm from sex, but I really do miss that feeling of closeness and intimacy. I don't get the same feeling from cuddling or kissing with him. Is this a normal thing? To start feeling disconnected? I do love him and it's making me sad that I'm feeling this way with him.

[Anonymous]

Regarding your question on feeling disconnected, from the information given, I can see two factors that could be playing a part.

1. The fact that you guys have been going out for four months and you feel disconnected, more irritable with him already. Granted, after three months, most people get to see the partner as a whole, including the not-so-pleasant side of the person. However, if you feel that he is getting on your nerves more already, I have to wonder if he is the right person.

2. Depression can be like that. It ruins not only that person, but everyone who is around them. While it is not like a virus, I think it can be contagious, i. e. depressed people can make others depressed, or at least unhappy.

Regarding your question on sex, I think it is a lot more intimate that cuddling or kissing. Actually, sex would generally include cuddling and kissing, so yes, I think sex is a lot more intimate. Also, I think it does bring two people much closer as well.

Having said all that, I really hope it all works out well for you, whichever path you choose to go.

[Anonymous]

I suffer from depression and alcoholism etc and it really does sap your self esteem self confidence etc.

As a man, this has a knock on effect and can affect your sex drive. When my depression was at its worst i struggled to get an erection which obviously affected my sex life.

It all stemmed from my low confidence and i started to withdraw from sex with my long term girlfriend. she noticed this and tried to be sexier to turn me on, which pushed me deeper into my hole.

the fact that she tried to over compensate and be even sexier made it worse. I guess because she was putting in more effort, it made me feel more pressure to perform. combine that with depression/low confidence and its only going to make your guy feel even worse. like he's being dominated, and that will make him withdraw even more.

My advise for the short term is to take it slow. you're not going to get sex on the first night as it takes time to rebuild self esteem. Start by just cuddling. show him that he can cuddle without feeling pressurized into sex. Yes it sounds silly, but us men can feel so much pressure to perform it kills it for us.

After a while you can build on that and have some foreplay. make sure he knows that you're enjoying it and take it slow. by all means try to instigate it, but dont be too forceful. let him lead.

As his confidence grows, he'll begin to feel how he once used to and things will take off from there.

Honestly, depression is a horrible disorder and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. I went from being in the army, physically fit and able to pull a different woman every week to a stay at home drunk hermit watching shit on youtube all day. the only time i left the house was to by more wine.

Give him time and be gentle. its the only way.