Should I tell him about this sexual assault? How do I tell him?

[Anonymous]

Ok so long story short, This guy I've been dating has been wanting to get more sexual but the thing is I'm a virgin and have never really done anything besides make out! But the thing is a few years ago I was at a party and drank a little too much and well this guy I didn't even know took advantage of me. I was laying on a bed and this guy comes and gets on top of me kissing me VERY hard and grabbing me all over, I was almost out of it but I told him to stop and get off of me but he kept going and put his hand down my pants and pushed my hand down his, he did not finger me though because I pushed him away but he did hurt me because he was biting me and I cried! Anyways I don't really think about it much but recently since I met this guy and we make out its the first thing I think of... And it makes me so nervous I tell him to stop. See im scared to tell him because I don't know if This is sexual assault since he didn't rape me or finger me, though he touched me, but I'm scared of what he'll think of me.. Do you think I should tell him? And how should I tell him? Like right in the moment when we're making out and I get nervous? What am I supposed to say I don't want to sound like I need sympathy from him I just feel uncomfortable.. Not sure what to do :( how do I stop thinking about it when I'm with him?

[kaylaS91]

Just tell your boyfriend or whatever the guy you're dating is to you pretty up front.
Preferably in a context when you're already making out or getting sexual. Just pull him aside, tell him you want to talk so he knows it's serious. Tell him you're sorry if you might sometimes come across as if you don't want to hook up with him or something. That you have nothing against him, but you're simply a bit uneasy after the experience you had at that party. You can tell the guy what happened so he gets the whole picture, and hopefully he'll understand.

I know how it feels, as I was in the same kind of position with my boyfriend when I first became sexually active with him. I told him in the same way I'm advising you to go about it, and it went quite well. He didn't make a big deal about it, didn't really give me much pity but took it for what it was. Comforted me a bit, then said we should move on, the past is the past.

How do you stop thinking about that episode when you're with him? For me, telling my guy was a big step in the right direction. After he knew what it was all about and why I felt how I felt, that made me feel a lot more relaxed when getting intimate with him. I could be more open about saying no, I don't want to do that. Or that sure, we can do that but not in that particular way because that happened to trigger some flashbacks from my own times having been sexually assaulted in the past.

[Anonymous]

Well, if I understand you correctly, you are getting nervous with him because you are recalling memories from the experience you had.

Normally, I'd say it's not any of his business really, and it's still not. But since it is making you nervous and it's interfering with what you are trying to do, you should probably explain why you are feeling the way you are. I'd suggest that you do it at a time and place not in the heat of the moment. Just like you feel turned off and nervous when you think about it, generally a guy is not going to find that discussion to be a good opener to doing the deed. Just explain how you feel and why you feel the way you do. My girlfriend was raped before, one day she explained what happened in a phone conversation. While she didn't have to tell me, I was grateful that she did because it helped me understand how and what I needed to do to help her be comfortable.

[AustinMan]

Find a good therapist with lots of experience working with victims of sexual abuse. You don't have to live this way. I'm really sorry this happened to you but, with some help, you CAN get past it.

Godspeed!