If men are wired to have sex with multiple partners, why are they still in relationships?

[Anonymous]

First and foremost, I'd like to point out that this is not to be misconstrued as an attack on men or their behavious in any way. The reason I am asking is that I keep seeing hearing these things everywhere, according to which we are all ruled by primitive instincts, and especially when it comes to men, these arguments seem to come in handy. My question is, if there is such a simple explanation for either men cheating, ot men watching porn, or just men having a difficult time being happy with just one woman, why do so many of them ultimately choose to hav monogamous relationships? I know for a fact no one forces anyone into it. Well, hopefully not - I've never tried. Aren;t they in relationships because they fall in love? Because they want to be? This has always seemed profoundly illogical to me.

[WhiteSteve]

A few reasons, I think. One is that women ultimately are the gatekeepers of sex, they dictate when it is or isn't happening, so we're kind of handcuffed to their rules if we want steady sex, haha. Another is societal validation. People, and particularly women (I think), look at single men over a certain age and think "He's (X) years old with no girlfriend? There must be something wrong with him." And I suppose that applies to women as well, but that's a separate conversation for another day. And a guy once told me that, "in the business world, it's important to be married. It lets people know that you're stable and you're not gay." Now, I don't agree with that, either in terms of marriage meaning stability, or being gay or perceived as gay as a bad thing, but that's a thought that's out there floating in some people's minds. Another aspect is comfort. Women take care of us, usually. They cook, or clean, or whatever their deal is, and I don't think I'm breaking any news here when I say that men often are not so good at domestic skills, haha. I know that's kind of a 1950s sounding viewpoint, but I don't mean to say a woman's place is in the home, I just mean that, even with a career, most women I know are way better at that stuff than most men I know. And don't discount our ability to love a woman, that's all part of it, we get attached and have feelings like a woman would. It's just that our attractions don't just shut off. I love my girl to death, but I see 20 women a day that get me hot and bothered, haha. I can't call it, it just is what it is. I call bullshit when I hear women say "I only have eyes for my man, other men don't exist to me when I'm in a relationship." And if that is true, holy fuck, I have no idea how you do it, haha. Keeping your hands to yourself is one thing, but you ain't even LOOKING? I mean, in fairness, most of us dudes aren't much to look at, haha, but still, when a good one comes along, all the more reason to lust after them. But I would absolutely at least describe my own attractions as very primal and instinctual, it's just hardwired in my brain, I couldn't change if I wanted to. Controlling your body is easy enough, but the brain is not to be tamed, hahaha.

[Asker]

Thanks a lot for putting effort into this, you gave a very thorough take on my question and I appreciate it. To answer, I'll say that I agree with saome of this stuff, but with other things I don't. For example 1. in my relationship I am anything but the gatekeeper of sex, my libido is higher than my boyfriend's. 2. Women aren't better at housework, it's just that parents often fail to educate their male kids in the sense of teaching them to do it, because society still expects women to do it. My father, for example, was excelent at it, including cooking and all that and I appreciate him a lot for that. and 3. In all honesty all men simply don't exist for me :D for real. My boyfriend is enough :) I just wanted to point out that, from my experience, these 3 things are not to be generalized. :D Once again, thanks a lot!

[Intraluminal]

One brief comment on your "gatekeeper" status. The mere fact that you allow the "gate" to be open does not obviate the fact that you keep the gate. I may let people in my house, or invite them in whether they want to come in or not, but I still control the door.

[Asker]

@Intraluminal How is that? I'm sorry, I don't get it. I mean, if he doesn't want to and I do, we don't have sex. Same goes for the opposite scenario.

[Intraluminal]

It isn't as simple as women being the "gatekeeper," but they are in charge of it overall. They select who does and who doesn't have sex overall. They determine who has children, and who doesn't overall. Men propose, but women dispose (in the sense of deciding).

[detlef]

Stable, healthy relationships are likelier to produce stable, healthier offspring. Being in a relationship increases family protection, family health, nourishment, reproductive success, sexual availability, manpower and labor availability, etc. Being in a relationship (or at least one) preserves your genome effectively.

That's one way of looking at it. There are nicer ways which are probably at least as accurate.

[Asker]

That's interesting. Most people ommit to add this part to the other one. I wonder why.

[detlef]

The logic behind cheating, multiple relationships, etc., is that a man can't and won't pass up a chance to spread his seed, even if the soil is less than ideal. (Sorry.) Porn seems to feed into a very fundamental desire to be attracted not just to sexual people but to sex itself. Sex was presumably a relatively open and semi-public part of our distant ancestors' lives. It's probably only in the past few thousand years that sex became something private and hidden most of the time.

[heather4N0w]

Good Question. My opinion, I think sometimes both woman and men get bored in bed with the same person and sometimes you think well I love the person im with now because he or she makes me laugh however I need more sexually and don't want to lose the happiness I have now or they just don't want to hurt their partners... But everyone thinks differently so don't think we will truly know...

[Miss_Confused]

I share the same opinion. Why the hell lead a good person on when they don't make you happy enough that you need to cheat. If you haven't found the person that you will be faithful to, do whatever you want but STAY single.

[justbanANNAz]

who the hell said they are wired to have sex with multiple partners?

#generalisation371 [i dont even know where I'm up to anymore]

[AustinMan]

Men are programmed genetically to maximize the potential for furthering their genetic make up, aka blood line. It goes back to our animal DNA that the more pregnancies we "inspire," the better. That said, our society rewards monogamy so most of us try to make that work.

[hellionthesage]

They are wired for both. Basicly evolution is adaptations on top of older adaptations, like striated rock. We are in a constant state of transition. So the oldest instincts drive a man to be promiscuis just as a womans oldest insincts drive her to a protector high status/wealthy male (this is called hypergamy) but the newer ones drive us to relationships, ones that are mutually beneficial and are far more long term. Originally the short term strategy made sense in that life was short their was not much of a network so to speak so you wanted to create as many offsprings as possible in order to ensure the survival of your genes. However with the advent of civilization this strategy became obsolete. This prevented the civilization by essentially ensuring no one looked out for any one but themselves. 80% of women would reproduce as opposed to 40% of men. This was due to many women sharing a high status male that could protect and provide for them. This was very good at getting children out for those women but it also meant that once they stopped being fertil/old or a more attractive woman came around she would either be ignored and lose resources or out right cast out. For men it meant having to take high risks (which is why to this day men are biologicly more likely to take risks and enact high risk behavior then women) in order to have the chance to gain a mate or simply not even bother trying. Civilization could not exist in this way because more then half the men would not even participate since they knew they would never reproduce and their really wasn't anything in it for them. So what started to happen was that women and men began to form relationships this enabled civilization and benefited both the individuals and humanity as a whole because women would be taken care of and have a providor/protector of them and their children while also ensuring that if they became sterile due to old age they would not simply be abandoned and it also helped the men because it meant they had the opportunity to reproduce. This intern gave them a reason to be apart of society because they had something (or more specificly somebody (s)) to work for and to care for. This is when agriculture boomed and allowed the surplus to be distributed amongst the group increasing the survival of everyone not just the strongest while increasing our numbers etc etc. In short, yes men whant relationships and in fact this is needed for us as a civilization.

[hellionthesage]

When some one says otherwise they are misunderstanding how we work, the old traits don't go away but rather we have knew ones added on to the old. So men are wired for both but the more potent one is relationships because this is what ensures the survival of the species and as such is both more heavily selected for and pushed for by the society. In short most men want a relationship.

[hellionthesage]

As for porn that is actualy an exploitation of mens primal instinct for variety and has been shown to have negative affects on them (just another example of how just because we feel something doesn't mean its neccessarily good to act on it.). Also I would say that the way women and men are women tend towards having more emotional connections with other women while men really don't. So that woman (wife/girlfriend) becomes his emotional outlet of sorts and that would also drive men towards relationships, along with all the other more obvious reasones.

[Cryostatic]

Dunno, I've never had a problem being monogamous.

Don't get me wrong, I've always liked the idea of having a piece on the side here or there, but I've never done it or considered it seriously.

[Prilee1992]

I'm wired to have multiple sexual partners, it's simply because i haven't found someone who really deserves to have my time, aka compatible with me spiritually, mentally and physically.

[Berethor]

Not every man are womanizer, and not every man let himself to be controlled by "the beast".

https://whitewolf.wikia.com/wiki/Beast_(VTM)

[Laowai]

The fact that you have desire for sex for additional women doesn't mean that you have to act on it. Men also derive great satisfaction from their monogamous relationships and can easily resist temptation if they are inclined to. Most men I know who have cheated already had problems in their relationship.

Porn is different; very few men will think that watching it is cheating. Instead most men find it a way to satisfy part of their desire for sexual variety without cheating.

[dwiller943]

They're not wired to. Society just tells them to.

[NerdInDenial]

Most men believe that they need to be in a relationship to be "happy." It appears to be recent that being single and dating multiple people is becoming more socially acceptable.

[Intraluminal]

First, no one is saying we are RULED by our instincts, rather we are guided by them. No animals truly commit suicide (except during sex as part of the sex act itself), but people can overcome their instincts in order to commit suicide.

Secondly, men being driven to have multiple partners, is NOT the same as not be able to have a monogamous relationship. A man will never be as happy, whether he admits it to himself or not, as he would be having a stable relationship with one woman, but plenty of sex on the side. However, due to INTENSE social pressures at a multitude of levels, this is impossible, so the majority of men choose something they can live with.

In effect, society, with its laws, women with their rules, other men with their jealousy, and economics, do "FORCE" men to settle, just as laws, insurance costs, physics, and societal pressure means that we cannot drive as fast as we want to while dodging in and out of traffic. Does this explanation make sense to you?

[nakedalligator]

Because even if a guy prefers multiple women, at some point most are still going to want to settle down.

[Accipiter]

A primal reason for men to stay in a monogamous relationship is to ensure the children grow up the right way. If a primitive man slept around and reproduced with 8 different primitive women, how will he be sure that his offspring are going to survive without him being there for 1/8 of the time. Plus if he isn't loyal to any of those 8 women, why would any of them be loyal to him? Maybe none of those 8 babies are actually his.

When I had a girlfriend I was very happy to stay with her and I never dreamed of cheating.

[Humping_Tornadoes]

Well, women also cheat and watch porn, does this also means women can't have monogamous relationships?

There's just a point where everyone will want to settle down, maybe have a family and just grow old.

[Asker]

Of course not, it's just that when women cheat, no one explains it in terms of biology, this argument only comes up when it comes to men.

[tony72722]

Another strong generalization. The same could be said about women.

[Asker]

I've never read anywhere that women have a biological excuse for cheating. Only men do - women who cheat are just plain cheaters in the eyes of society :))

[Intraluminal]

Women have an excellent (evolutionary) reason to cheat, and do so in large numbers. In fact, the number of children unrelated to their purported fathers is somewhere between 1.4% to 30% with the most likely rate being around 5%. Remember, it's hard to be certain what the rate is since genetic testing was not generally available until 20 years ago, and remains expensive. The 5% rate was based on Rh and blood type (A, B, O) data.

[Intraluminal]

Sorry, I forgot to mention the evolutionary reason for women to cheat. 1) Improved genetic variability: If you have children by several different men, and a disease comes along (remember diseases were deadlier before modern medicine), the children (having different fathers) would have different susceptibility to the disease, and some might live, thereby providing your genetic survival. 2) You might come upon a man who, although lousy FATHER material, would be an excellent reproducer - that is he might have better luck with women than your husband due to attractiveness, intelligence, or tendency to rape (remember evolution doesn't care HOW you have more surviving children - just that you do) So, his children would be expected to share his characteristics, and also reproduce better. 3) You might use the sexual encounter to have access to more food (now money) than you otherwise might.

[Asker]

@Intraluminal Thanks!! Seriously. Somehow, everyone else in the media and pretty much everywhere fails to mention this. Not to say there's any excuse for cheating though, that's not where I;m going with this...

[Intraluminal]

Neither am I, but it helps to understand what we are being unconsciously encouraged to do, the better to control it. A person with an anger management problem, who recognizes the issue, has a better chance of controlling herself than a person who doesn't know about their problem. by the way, In #3, I forgot to add, that by cheating, not only does the woman increase the likelihood of promoting the other cheater's genes, but her husband's genes as well, due to increased resources. Also not mentioned, but assumed, is that the urge/willingness to cheat is inheritable. This is not a popular assumption with people, but you have to consider that very complex actions are routinely inherited in animals, and that as animals ourselves, we also have inherited behaviors and drives.

[JPSAM]

actually i never cheated on any of the GF's i ever had. and never cheated on my wife and i will never do even though we are in a very bad phase of our marriage where she emotionally abandoned me and she doesn't want to give affection and doesn't want affection in return. well thats how i am.
a lot of guys do cheat, and women do as well, and most of the cheating guys who chose to be with one person are cheating with women who also chose to be with one person and end up cheating as well.

[Asker]

I am sorry to hear about your marriage and I sincerely hope things will get better. If it helps, I never cheated either. No matter how bad things were. There are still people like that. Take care!

[tynamite]

Err because they want pussy.
https://i.imgur.com/dqErUyH.gif
https://i.imgur.com/mLLgfPG.jpg

[pavlove]

Men like companionship too. I wish I had a more elaborate response but that sums it up pretty much.

[PhoenixItalian]

I think falling in love is what we do so that we will get a woman pregnant and be around for at least 9 months to help her as she's pregnant, maybe.
I also think we commit in relationships because women generally use commitment as a sort of playing card or requirement. If having multiple partners wasn't shamed publicly, many would do it however that means many men would be single as there would be a shortage of available women

[PhoenixItalian]

Religion is also a major player in this as it dictates behavior of individuals, groups, and often legislation for those who do not follow separation of church and state. I personally see nothing wrong with having multiple partners as long as everyone is honest. Also given that in the past, all married their partner and divorce wasn't an option, it's apparent why having only one partner became mandatory, however with contemporary lifestyles and a middle class vs peasants and royalty, the above average man can theoretically afford more than one woman living with him.

[Stephen10]

This is what happens when you allow yourself to be brainwashed by the media. It's divide and conquer. Turn men and women against each other by planting seeds in their minds.

[kiler1000]

not all. some are just scum.

[Asker]

Well, I'm asking about the ones who do choose to be with just one woman.

[kiler1000]

it's not hard... if you trust in in god and truly want to. i've had to learn the hard way about trusting in god and putting him first. a lot of people brush him off... that's why we have so many problems.

[Berethor]

@damnwinter pussy is pussy, a man really needs only one, no need to gets greedy about that, and also some men are single and don't have even that.

[Asker]

@Berethor that's what i've been saying! thank you! :))

[Zrelthrhaiel]

because we are rebels.

[Asker]

:D hehehe