Sexual Relationships
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Was I raped? Am I only realising this 4 years later?

4 years ago, I went out on a date with a very cute guy. We got on well, kissed in the bar we were in, and we went back to his place, which I was happy to do, and so was he. About a week later or so, I was thinking about him, and was starting to like him. At this time, I was havin a really bad nervous breakdown, and my mind wasn't with me half the time. Anyways, a week later, he text me at about 2 in the morning asking if he could come over to my house? I had got it into my head that he liked me, and wanted to see me. He came over, and sex started almost immediately with him. I remember what was taking place, and another part of me was where my mind was gone, I was on autopiliot, and didn't realise what was going on. It went on for a while, and some where in my mind, I remember thinking this is not right, its horrible. That night I had had a few glasses of wine, and was a bit merry and tired from he wine. I also was taking a lot of different medications at that time too. He stayed the night beside me in my bed. He took off quick the following moring, so much so, that I rethinked on the night before. I remember it was horrible, and it was just for him, not for me. I suddenly felt very violated, ashamed, and stupid in myself. I cried for about an hour or more, alone in my room feeling so violated and used. I met my friend that day, and with me being mentally ill, I was feeling better, and then thought it was a great thing that happened to me. That was over 4 years ago. In the past year and a half I am going through trauma treatment, as apart from that night, I went through some very traumatising events, that have left me completely destroyed as a person, and I am still mentally ill from the horrific years I had. What he did that night came into my house once or twice in 2 or 3 years, but this year it has come up 3 or 4 times in one year, and I remember very clearly what it was like, and how violated I was the next day. I saw a film recently where a woman was getting raped, and it really really upset me. I couldn't figure out why. I read something this evening that says, if you are mentally impaired, you are of unsound mind, can't make decisions, and someone having sex with you like what happened to me, where I wasn't in my right mind, that it is considered rape. Was I raped? And if you feel I was, how come it has taken me 4 years to realise it? Thanks so much
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Most Helpful Guys

  • Were you raped? Nope.

    Did you realism what a crappy decision you made and feel traumatized by that idiotic life choice? Probably.

    In order for you to be raped you have either deny consent up front or removed consent at some point to which the other individual in question has to willfully ignore. You didn't do either of those things so he did not rape you. Look at it from the other person's perspective:
    1. you allowed him to come over at 2 in the morning (what else did you think he might have had on his mind?)
    2. you willingly engaged in sexual activity
    3. when you became uncomfortable with that sexual activity you did not tell your chosen partner this
    4. you got mad that he left the next morning
    Your partner is not a mind reader. You do have the right to stop the sexual activity at any moment but you can't simply do it in your head, you have to tell the partner. If you don't speak up then how can your partner know something wrong is occurring? You weren't raped because at no time did you give your partner the opportunity to force his will on you to either have or continue having sex. And trying to get to rape by saying you had a couple glasses of wine just can't cut it. You cannot say you were "on autopilot" so therefore it was wrong if you willingly preformed the sexual act. And he is not the one to take responsibility for your mental state (a mental state he may not have known even existed but you don't make ti clear if he knew these facts or not).

    I'm sorry. It seems you just had bad sex with an asshole and became traumatized by your poor decision making skills. I do hope you will continue to seek help for your mental state.

  • From his perspective, it appeared he had genuine consent. So it was not rape from an outsiders perspective, and he doesn't appear to be a rapist.

    However, you ended up having sex that you didn't want. So it's not strange that the feelings you have now are -similar or the same- as a woman who was raped. Lets distinguish two things here.

    Did he commit rape?
    No.

    Did you have sex that you were not in a position to consent to that left you feeling violated?
    Yes.

    Effectively what we have here is an -accident-. And there's genuine fallout from that. If there's a power failure and someone is trying to cross the street in the dark and they are struck and injured by a car, the driver didn't commit assault, but the person who got hit still has a broken pelvis. That's the sort of thing that we're looking at. He didnt' do anything wrong, but do to circumstances, you were violated, accidentally.

    That's likely why you are unsure even now if you were raped.

    However your feelings are 'valid', if that makes sense. There's no reason to blame him, or yourself. Something bad happened from your perspective, you need to process and deal with it, and you shouldn't feel bad at yourself for having negative feelings (though you shouldn't use that as an excuse NOT to try to cope with them, because you will only feel better via moving forward. But don't beat yourself up over your ability to do so, just do your best).

Most Helpful Girls

  • Not rape, he didn't know u where n no condition to consent. U invited him over, u let the sex happen. It seems more u didn't want to have sex with him and you're trying to make yourself a victom because u didn't enjoy what happened. But even if u didn't like it, it wasn't rspe

  • I don't think so. Unless he knew what you were going through and that you had a bit to drink and he tried to have sex anyway. Did you say no in anyway? Did you try to stop it. I don't think it was rape.

  • That's not rape it's regret. Yes regret sucks but you shouldn't throw around the word rape loosely it could ruin a mans life

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What Girls & Guys Said

3 11

  • Having a diagnosis of a mental illness does not automatically make you incompetent to consent to sex. He called you, you told him to come to your house, you never said no, you didn't call the police. You were under the influence of alcohol when he arrived but he didn't get you drunk; you did. Why do you want to blame him for what happened? This was not rape and you need to take responsibility for your actions instead of holding on to your victim status.

  • If he didn't know you weren't sound if mind it's not rape.

  • If he didn't know that you were mentally ill and incapable of making a decision and you didn't do anything to stop sex, leading him to believe that you were consenting, then you were not raped. He didn't know that you had no conditions to consent.

    If he did know about it though or if you did anything to show him that you were not consenting. Then it was rape.

  • You were not. You invited him over, you consented to sex and you never told him to stop. You made a poor choice.

  • regret isn't rape. I dont see anywhere in this story where he forced himself upon you

  • No, you took some actions that you regret. As we all do. You need to put it behind you. Seek professional help if you need assistance getting over it.

  • You can't just undo giving consent.

  • have you opposed?

  • Just let it go

  • I don't think you were raped it was just a bad choice I'm sorry but things will get better you can't change your past but you can change your future Jesus Loves YOU

  • If you were unable to say yes to sex and you did not want it, it can be counted as rape.

  • You weren't raped, you let him come over, knew his intentions and nothing was forced.
    You chose to drink wine even though you knew you were on medications and you never told him you weren't feeling well or to stop.

  • I'm really struggling to understand how he did anything wrong. Can you please clarify exactly what it is your think he did wrong here? Regret on your part =/= rape.

  • A therapist might be your best bet. They can help you with this.

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