I shut down during sex?

[Anonymous]

I love my boyfriend very much. We've been together many years and see a real future together. Everything is great in our relationship. Except one kind of super major thing: I shut down during sex. I'm not mentally or emotionally engaged. I make the noises and I certainly don't just lie there. But I'm mentally and emotionally disconnected. So I essentially am faking the entire thing. I don't understand it. I'm begining to resent sex. He loves it. Thinks it's great. Best thing ever. And HE connects emotionally. Thinks it's this incredible bonding experience for us and he would be devistated to know that I don't feel that way. Leading up to the actual act I'm all there. I'm emotionally and mentally engaged. Then as soon the actual sex starts I shut down. I don't feel anything. The emotional connection is gone and I find myself just counting backwards from 10 over and over again until he finishes. And it's not like I don't find him physically or sexually attractive. I do. I daydream about having sex with him and in my daydreams I'm totally into it and am loving it. But when the real thing happens I shut down. We share with each other our fantacies and so he knows about mine and we've acted on them but even if we do everything the way I fantasized about it I STILL shut off. He wants to cuddle afterwards for a while and honestly I just want to go away. Get dressed and get on with my day. I just immediately feel like an object. And not the sexy kind of object. The physical object kind of object. Like I'm just being used and not also using him. Like it's something he's doing to me and not something we're doing together. As such I can't say I've ever been satisfied. And it's not like I've been enjoying it and then denied finishing. It's that I never started enjoying it in the first place. I crave emotional connection and I just lose it during this act that is supposed to be a very emotionally intense act between two people in love. I don't know what to do.

[Red_Arrow]

I think you cut off therapy too quickly. You seem to have a mindset that it can't help you and to make sure of that you won't let it help you. Should try again.

Also, you should have been honest with him from the start. this is an elephant in the room but you have been hiding it from him. Sooner or later he will see it and there will be even greater porblems since you have been lying and hiding it from him.

One suggestion, though it may be too late, is to get to the point where he enters you. then instead of continuing the movements of sex, you both remain like that with him in you and holding you. I think you would connect better that way. If that would help, then slowly move beyond that.

[xslope]

Your on/off button is in a really weird place. Sorry just had to get that bad joke out of my system before I get serious. To me it sounds you want to like something you don't really like and since you can't enjoy it, you feel you are being used rather than being part of it. Does that sound like I'm way off? Do you masturbate? Can you enjoy sex by yourself? If I were you I would visit a sexual therapist about the matter and maybe with a trained professional you could figure out what is causing the problems. Worth the visit because the issue will eventually affect to your relationship even if you do not talk about it with your boyfriend.

[Asker]

I only did that once. 'Cause people said it was great or whatever. So even though I didn't feel the need to do it I figured I'd try it. Didn't do anything for me. 2/10 would not recommend. Don't see the appeal.

[xslope]

Well sounds to me that you don't get the physical feeling that releases all those hormones in body that enables the emotional feelings. It is like you know what it should feel like, but have not really felt it. Note that I making wild guesses in here and not all people who enjoy sex, enjoy also masturbating. I would really visit a doctor or therapist about the matter. Even if they can't offer any miraculous fixes, at least you would know what causes it.

[Anonymous]

I would definitely see a therapist. It sounds like you have some unconscious thoughts that are preventing you from getting into it. Maybe if you see a therapist you can help determine what the source of it is. Is there anything that you have done sexual that has felt good/arousing for you? Have you ever had an orgasm? Another thing to think about is that you may be asexual. Here's a link describing asexuality : https://www.whatisasexuality.com/intro/

[RansomDraven]

I think that you should talk to him about this because my concern would be that you end resenting him in the future for it. Maybe do some counseling together and see if they can help pin point the issue. Is it maybe that you view sex as "dirty"?

[Asker]

It's something I saved for that special person. He's that special person. I don't find it dirty, necessarily, but I don't particularly find it amazing and wonderful and all that like other people seem to.

[RansomDraven]

So he is your first, you've never had a bad sexual experience maybe? Not even like abuse, but say a guy didn't listen to your no, so you just went with it?

[Asker]

He's my first and only. He always initiates. I never really had the desire for it. So it's not like I said no... I just wasn't jumping on the yes train with enthusiasm. I was like, "K, we can try." and then we did and I guess it was this incredible experience for him and for me I just shut down. I thought that was because I must not have been ready so we stopped and didn't do it for like a year. Then I thought I was ready and it happened again. It's happened every time and I want so badly to like it because I think he is sensing my disconnect but I'm afraid this is just how I am. I'll never enjoy it.

[RansomDraven]

I think a therapist might help, but also try talking to your OBGYN. There might he something hormonal that is off for whatever reason and that could be the cause. Thats something you could easily check out jist to be sure before you looked into therapy.

[RachelBrigs]

Have you been sexually abused? I can't imagine why you'd feel this way

[Asker]

No, I have had a remarkably normal and healthy childhood. No sexual abuse. No abuse of any kind by anyone.

[RachelBrigs]

I don't understand this :/ I don't want to sound ignorant but I think maybe you're asexual?

[Asker]

I don't know... it's very frustrating.

[RachelBrigs]

Are you insecure?

[Asker]

About what? My body? No. I'm one of the few who is totally happy with how I look. And I'm not insecure in my relationship either.

[RachelBrigs]

Insecure in any way I mean. I can't really figure this out. Do you want sex? Or does it sound unappealing?

[Asker]

I'm indifferent to it.

[RachelBrigs]

Yeah I think you're asexual

[AustinMan]

You should see a good therapist. There's some fundamental disconnect and a good therapist can help you. If you can find one that specializes in sexual dysfunction, that'd be ideal.

[Paul09]

So masturbation doesn't excite you either? Do you shut down also? Usually that's where you find out what excites you, and what hits the right buttons. If you have tried that a few times, and sane results. Definitely recommend a sex therapist. Hopeakk works out soon.

[Asker]

Masturbation does nothing for me. I have no desire to do it.