What if your libido doesn't match up with your partner's libido?

Question

Suppose that you are in a committed relationship and you have become physically intimate with your partner. In the initial excitement of a relationship, everything is biscuits and gravy; you are both eager to spend time together, including time between the sheets. After some time, the novelty wears off and you start settling into a more consistent routine. Maybe your libido is in hyperdrive and you want to have sex at least 5 times a week every week but your partner only wants sex once or twice a week. You can compromise sometimes and your partner can compromise sometimes but, after a while, compromises can become resentments. How do you resolve this potential problem and keep the love and desire alive?

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I have a very high sex drive, but my last bfs was even higher. Or, a better way of saying it was that his seemed to strike at inopportune times, like the second I came home from work or when we were sitting at his mom and dads house... While I preferred to be fed, rested and in appropriate places more. We had sex 5-12 times a week.

We compromised by me insisting that if have tons of sex, but only if he got me turned on first. He had to be patient that some days, this would take more making out and touching. Other days, everything may jump right into action, of course. But as I learned to trust that I'd have an enjoyable experience (and frequent orgasms), the more I came to initiate and be comfortable even when I wasn't quite in the mood yet.

Unfortunately, we still broke up, with him saying "The only thing we seem to enjoy doing together is having sex."

Proving that lots of sex can't make a relationship work. But that part worked.

kaylaS91 · Accepted Answer

Story of my life about a year ago... when the main bit of excitement, mostly sexual, wore off. More like novelty. We still had great sex and all but he just started focusing more on school/work, leaving me pining and sometimes literally begging for more.

Not sure if that was resulting from a difference in actual libido or he simply had a better sense of self control. Anyway, we kinda dealt with it by, after countless fights mostly due to my being pissy and sexually frustrated, sitting down at the beginning of every sem, looking at our class/work schedules and scheduling in at least 2 days that work for both of us to bone or just hang out.

StacyNothername · Accepted Answer

We've been all over the map in my marriage with our libidos - matching, his up/ mine down, mine up/his down, etc... We have dealt with this by mostly being patient with one another, finding other ways to be close/intimate, other ways to get off, and in the past year and a half, by seeing other people. AT one point, we were having sex 3-4x a day -- I'd have done it another 1-2x if I'd had another partner near by!

kaskas19 · Accepted Answer

I have a lower libido I believe. I'm okay with that though. I wouldn't mind it being higher though. But, I don't think it's a deal breaker or anything. There are ways to work through it. Unless it annoyed him, then I understand.

AustinMan · Accepted Answer

First to our question: if you can compromise without resentment, then that's the answer, at least at first. I suspect a few sessions with a good couple's counselor will be useful ultimately. If you're kinky, make sure your therapist is kink friendly, sometimes not easy to find.

Where do you get the cool images? All I can find are ones that either have a royalty attached or have some logo across the image.

ZekeGaymer · Accepted Answer

I'm currently engaged and we definitely have different drives. I'm the one with the lower libido. We just stay very honest about what we what and what we are going to do come compromise. Sometimes I have sex even if I'm not really in the mood and sometimes we don't. There isn't any resentment because there is great communication.

NJ_Casanova · Answer

Never found a girl equal or above my own sex-drive level. If one of you don't have the drive as the other, the one that has a high level needs to masturbate to porn, the other has to step up their game or be exceptable to the porn alternative.

meatballs21 · Answer

Voted D. Was in an LTR where I wanted it three or more times a week, and she ended up wanting it three or less times a year. Varied attempts to resolve this problem lead to nothing and it combined with other things lead to it ending after over a decade.

DaddyRollingStone · Answer

I'm a virgin, but I imagine that some compromise would be in order

daremetwo · Answer

You have 3 options put up with the difference masturbate or you can break it off.

Skeye89 · Answer

This sounds like a situation where you wanna eat the cake and still have it... If two persons aren't compatible in a particular area, which never is willing to give up, and the compromise is too much stress its then best to split up, cause you'll never have all the desire qualities you want in one person, and if your unwilling to settle without that particular one there isn't much one can do. Less burden on all parties mate.

Anonymous · Answer

I don't care much for sex. My guy is very sexual.  I cater to his needs. It doesn't matter to me if we do it or not so why not just do it? Makes him happy and I'm neither better or worse off.

Anonymous · Answer

I haven't had sex but I think I'd just talk to him about it, personally I'm happy to do it whenever he wants, I think he'll be pretty willing as well

What if your libido doesn't match up with your partner's libido?

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