My Boyfriend Is Very Faithful and Loyal To Me. But I am Not Comfortable With His Best Friend. Would You Be?

[Anonymous]

I know this might sound a little ridiculous to some of you. I know it's a long time ago. First off, the two of them had a sexual relationship around 8-9 years ago when they were teenagers. They didn't really date and it was just fooling around. They decided that it wasn't working and became best friends ever since. I don't know if it's because he took my virginity that makes me more sensitive to the situation. I do get jealous because the two of them have a good connection. It's obvious that my boyfriend does care about her. But at the same time, I can also tell that he cares more for me than her. If they don't talk for weeks, eitheir my boyfriend or she would start message each other. We've been together for over a year and I am still not comfortable with their friendship. I confronted him couple times about her. He confirms with me that she's just like a sister and he is not attracted to her anymore. If one day she confronts him and tell him that she wants a romantic relationship with him, it's a big NO from him and too bad for her. She's just a sister. He also told me there is nothing to worry about. But also told me that I'm not the first girlfriend who's not comfortable with her. I think also the problem is, I don't really know her that well. They rarely hang out by themselves. I'm always there with them. Now, I don't want to sound conceited but I am a lot attractive than his best friend. Before me he had couple exes. He even had an ex-fiance and another ex before me. Even if he was just looking for a one night stand, he would hook up with random girls. His bestfriend was never in the picture for any relationships/hookups. I'm sure, my boyfriend is NOT attracted to her anymore inside and out. But for some reaosn, it still bothers me. Is this normal?

[Wizbit]

I'm in almost exactly the same situation. My boyfriend has a lot of exes and is friends with several of them. They don't bother me. His best friend does. They were friends with benefits on and off about 10 years ago. She bookended his first proper relationship and he almost cheated with her during it. He swears there's been nothing since then and they're just good friends.
My problem is that he's always said they were just good friends who started having sex. He never developed any extra feelings for her. And now they're still good friends. In my understanding that means his feelings now are exactly the same as when they were screwing and the only difference is that they're not (a lot of that is because she's engaged).
I genuinely believe he loves me and would never cheat on me, but I also know he has cheated in the past when he's panicked about relationships getting too serious. As there are no changes in this relationship it makes me very uncomfortable.
I like the woman and her fiancé, which makes it easier for us to hang out as a foursome. They don't give any indication of their history - I don't even know of her fiancé is aware of it. My boyfriend says I'm the only girlfriend he's ever told, which suggests he is being completely honest. Thing is he only told me because I asked. There was something nagging at me from the first time I met her.
It's such a weird feeling to trust someone so completely and yet be so paranoid and suspicious. We've talked about it. He said he'd cut her out of he had to but he doesn't want to. It's not something I'd force him to do, although I'd be over the moon if he decided it on his own. I suspect if I made him they'd start talking behind my back (email of something) and I'd rather keep the relationship where I can see it. He's being understanding and hasn't suggested them hanging out alone since we talked. As long as it stays like this and he's never alone with her I can cope with it, even if I don't like it. I don't know how I'd feel if she split up with her fiancé. I hope I'll be able to back off on the future and not worry.
If they'd dated, experimented with their feelings and broken up it wouldn't bother me. I don't think exes can stay friends without a break to move on first. With boyfriend and his friend he doesn't even count her as an ex. If we talk about exes I have to specify exes or friends with benefits or he doesn't include her. Without the break up and the change in feelings I don't see how there's anything different between now and then. That makes me v. nervous.

[redeyemindtricks]

So, okay, I think I see what's actually the problem here, and it's not the friend, really.

I think that the actual problem is that you and yr boy don't see eye-to-eye on the significance of sex, vis-à-vis relationships... and the presence of his friend is just a painful reminder of that difference.

You waited until age 26 to have sex, so, obviously you are the kind of person who sees sex as something that should only take place within the confines of a serious, committed, emotionally intimate relationship.

Because of this, I think that, if you reflect on this, you'll find out that the part that hurts MOST, to you, is the fact that they WEREN'T in any kind of relationship when they were fooling around. They were just fuck buddies, or whatever -- and that very concept is abhorrent to you.

Because of the way you feel about sex, this is going to make you wonder. Does he feel the same way about sex with you? Is he as emotionally invested as you are? Do the two of you see eye to eye? Are you investing more of yr heart than he is? Etc.

That, I think, is the problem here. Normally, I think you'd be able to get over this, but, the presence of his friend is a constant reminder of it.
I mean, if this friend were actually an ex-girlfriend of his -- especially from some long relationship -- I think you'd be able to make peace with the situation more easily. What do you think?

If the situation is the way I'm guessing it is, then, unfortunately, I don't think there's an easy fix. This kind of thing ("sociosexuality") is pretty hardwired, and, being reminded that yr boy's past doesn't square up with yr own views on sexuality isn't going to hurt any less as the years go on. It won't hurt any less, unless the reminders are no longer paraded in front of yr face.

I mean, I'm all about opposite-sex friendships -- I have lots of friends who are boys, and ALL of my husband's closest friends are women he's fucked once upon a time. But, I don't approach sexuality and relationships the way you do, so, I don't face the same emotional roadblock.

What do you think?

[Intraluminal]

This is an excellent explanation of the *real* underlying problem.

[dipta]

I think you may be on to something here. The problem is not the poor already deemed unattractive friend, but the boyfriend. He hooked up with a series of random girls, had a fiance and another ex... in the end the friend is the constant in his life. With such a difference in sexual experience between the two, can the OP have the confidence that he will be devoted to only her from now on? Why did the other relationships not work out?

[xHoneyxBeex]

The fact that they have a sexual past would definitely bother me too so, I can understand that. I wouldn't like it if my boyfriend was close to anyone he had a sexual history with so your feelings in that regard are normal. I'm sure many people would agree and feel the same way.

He told you that there's nothing going on anymore though and that he no longer sees her that way. Whether or not you can trust that and believe him is up to you. If you are not comfortable with their friendship then I think you should voice your concerns to him again. You may not have anything to worry about but the fact that you feel this way about it could lead to more conflicts later on so I think it would be best to talk to him about it and see if you can work it out somehow.

[kap_nss]

Does he have sex with his sisters? Just kidding, but that's part of the point. He shouldn't tell you she's like his sister because she isn't. People who want to stay friends with former lovers use to put some labels on them just to easy things out. But those labels don't work well. My girlfriend tried to put the "friend" label to a guy she had sex hundreds of times, just because he never was her boyfriend. Well, you don't have sex with your friend, and if you do then he's not your friend anymore. He can be friend with benefits, but not just friend. And is not the same.
In your boyfriend's case I'm not sure if they had sex just once or for a period of time. I think that could make a big difference. If it was once then this could have been out of curiosity, normal for teenagers. But if this went through some time, I'd say there was sexual attraction at least at that time.
Sex is an intimate thing. You have only shared the with him, but he did with more people including her friend. She being around and you knowing she shared sex with him is likely to be uncomfortable.

[ClassicRocker]

It would bother me as well. That being said you really shouldn't try to do anything about it. It's normal to feel that way, but he's gonna resent the hell out of you if you make him choose between you.

[samhradh_leannan]

I would also be a little bothered by the situation, but that doesn't automatically mean that there's actually anything to worry about. It sounds like he is addressing your concerns in the best way possible. I would encourage you to try to come to terms with this and not let it stress you out too much.

[ChaosKilledTheDinos]

I think you should accept your boyfriend's friendship. This issue that you're having is solely yours. Jealousy isn't healthy for you or your relationship. I would try to work on it.

[Paris13]

It's Quite Clear Here, dear, that with You being uncomfy that your Other Half Needs to be a bit More Considerate of your Feelings Or... I think there Could be a Problem down the Partnership Path.
Even though you all hang out together, you are beginning to feel like a fifth wheel deal, and it's not healthy. And I think that even Though you would Get to know her 'Better,' you probably would find those jealous thoughts coming back to haunt you and it still would Be... The same.
Sit him down and have a long talk with him and perhaps Both of you come to some Comfy Compromise. Get on the same Page so nothing has to end in a Rage, and everyone can be Contented to a Happy medium Point in time.
Do not Take "No" for an answer. Stand Firm and No... Brotherly love excuses if he wants to See Two years.
Good luck. xx

[heartattack25]

It wouldn't bother me personally but I know where you are coming from. The best thing to do is trust him and enjoy his love. Nothing will drive him into the arms of another woman faster than jealousy and suspicion. Just be the best girlfriend you can be and he won't go looking for anyone. My best friend of 8 years is a guy. My ex was jealous of him. He didn't want me to hang out with him or any of my male friends. I had eyes only for him. No other guy mattered. The suspicion really sucked. It made me feel horrible. I questioned everything I did. To add insult to injury he was the one who was cheating. Smh. Just let your suspicions go. You will be happier that way. So will your boyfriend.

[hellionthesage]

Well you seem to know with absolute certainty that he isn't going to cheat so their is no reason to be upset, in fact you beign bothered by it is going to jepordize your relationship more then this other girl as you will continue to feel insecure, which is not attractive, and become increasingly more pushy trying to drive a wedge between him and his friend, thus pushing them closer together as you become a common enemy and ruining your relationship. This is generally how it works. So I would recommend not talking to him about your insecurities because quite frankly he has no reason to cut off his friend for you, he has done no wrong, he has known her longer so their is no logical reason for it. I would suggest trying to get to know her, engage her more frequently when she is around instead of playing a third wheel, as you become more approachable with her your boyfriend will see the effort you are putting forth for him and appreciate you more, this in turn will help reduce your insecurities, eventually you could even become friends with her thus creating a much healthier relationship with your boyfriend (not that I am suggesting its bad now, only that this issue could very quickly poisen what you have) and you could gain a friend in the process. Its a win win for you.

[existing_not_living]

I understand why it would bother you, but as someone who's best friend is a guy, while I can't assure you that nothing will happen, I can tell you that it's so unlikely to. If they view each other as brother and sister, then it's very unlikely. My best friend is like a brother to me. He started out with a crush on me, but lost feelings after a month. Neither one of us has an attraction to the other. I never did from the start. I know it's an uneasy feeling, but if you feel that way then maybe you should try getting to know his best friend one on one instead of always in a group. That might make you feel a little more comfortable. Otherwise, I don't know what else to say.

[Vitdom]

If I was not allowed to be very close friends with whomever I wanted, I am sorry you are not fit to be my girlfriend. If you continue thinking like this, the reason he will leave you is this exact thinking; so when this happens, do not blame his friend please.

[pinkbubble]

Thanks god my boyfriend doesn't have a girl best friend or that would bother me really , i'm the jaelous type so i wouldn't like if my boyfriend has a close friendship with another girl and then he has me i am his best friend and lover :D i see it like that

[Berethor]

Well that what happen when you choose to give up your innocence to an guy who was hooking up with random girls, but it's too late now, she had sex with him in any case, even if they was not staying friends after that, so I fully understand why it's bother you, but there is not much that you can do about it.

[Thedoors]

Wow, what a douchey comment. "thats what happens when you give up your innocence..."

[Cjanes]

@Thedoors I agree

[TazWax]

I have a friendship like this there has been many time where you best friends girlfriends are comfortable with us being so close. Many times I have hung out with the girlfriend so that they can see that I'm not in to them at all. Maybe you should try to get to know her like one on one it might show you that she doesn't want anything more than just his friendship.

[overthinkingmind]

It's completely understandable that you feel that way, I'm sure I'd feel like that too. But please don't make him choose between you and a friend. That's the worst you can do. It will seem controlling, even though that's not what you mean.
Also, really seems that he's being honest. I don't think you have to worry.
Good luck!

[Mesonfielde]

Your jealousy will eventually undermine your relationship.

[Chief16]

See, that's where you get it wrong. I'd never expect my SO to cut her friends off no matter what past they had, especially not long time friends. I had the same problem, my ex became so insecure about my best friend that we had to break it off. Its not fair to expect that, unless you have proof that they're more than friends.

[DrKran]

So you're saying being in a relationship with you will require your boyfriend to not have any social life with friends? That's the worst type of limitation possible in any relationship.

Someone comes into my life to feel bad around friends or family will be upsetting. You're better off with someone with zero social life than with someone that has a friend. Tis not like they're flirting or talkin naughty mouth topics.

[OrdinaryGentleman]

Mmmm i was in a similar situation, except i was the guy. My ex was subtle about it and me and the girl were genuinely brother-sister type of friends. I think he is fine for now but if he ever gets bored with you he will be most likely moving onto her.

[DizzyAster]

Well, two things:
They are friends for a long time, and used to date. If nothing happened by now, then it's not going to.
However, I think his friend is like a fall-back girl, someone who he can run too if things don't work out with his GFs. He may see it as an innocent friendship, but she may not.
How come she doesn't have her own bf? I'm not saying, I'm just saying.

[Mikeltdk]

Relax I also have a best friend that's female and years ago we messed around but quickly realized that we need to be no more than best friends. When he tells you she is like a sister he's being honest. I don't want to make this too long, so do yourself and him a big favor put it out of your mind. Just drop it, you have absolutely nothing to worry about.

[brian22]

It's normal to be bothered cus if I were ur boyfriend, I would still be fucking his best friend behind ur back and even show u more love so that u won't think otherwise fr I and her

[Anonymous]

I'd be fine if they didn't have any sexual history. However, if they have history of sexual relations then I'd be uncomfortable. Trust me, if he had sexual relations in past he definitely can't see her as a sister. Maybe he's not attracted to her but he can't go to 'sister' level of friendship.
If I was in your place I'd definitely be uncomfortable but I'd trust him. I'd take some action only if it made me very uncomfortable.

I have brother-sister like friendship with 3 women. Their husband/fiancée are fine with our friendship. I'm not in a relationship but I'd be fine too if my partner had a brother like friend. But I'd be uncomfortable if they had any history. I've seen some guys saying that "XYZ is like my sister." but they clearly don't see them as a sister.

[Anonymous]

Yes it would bother me. Probably does to you because he took your virginity and they had sex