My boyfriend can not be vulnerable?

[helpha]

He can be affectionate, loving, supportive, and we are amazingly compatible as best friends.. BUT romantically my heart isn't there. He says that he has never told a girl his life story, he's never had a deep relationship, touching memories with a love, and he's never been vulnerable. He has been married to one girl and engaged to another girl, so this blows my mind. I will try to do special touching things, like write him a letter, he says he doesn't want that stuff. I can not express myself in a touching, deeper way without feeling like it either is not returned or unappreciated, so I ultimately feel alone. He hardly even initiates sex - during is great, but foreplay is nonexistant because he sits there and does not touch me or show me he wants me. There is little to no initiative or passion. I don't know what to do. He is an AMAZING guy on paper, treats me better than anyone, but he seems so closed off romantically (he's 28 and should not be having these issues)... NOt to mention I've talked to him about it about 5 times and he doesn't even KNOW what I mean when I say "connecting when you look into someone's eyes/ feeling special" How can I get through to him? And when do I finally say that I'm done and end it because he's not loving me the way I need?

[oddwaffle]

Congratulations you boyfriend is an introvert - sort of. He will always wear his armor. He will never show you his vulnerable side unless he has absolute trust in you. The kind you trust that can kill him the moment you fail.

Guys like that takes time. They don't fall in love easily but when they do, it's the deepest love you will ever get. They tend to take their time and spend it slow. There is no explosive or steamingly hot passion love. It's the gradual build up.

If you want a guy to connect with the look of the eye then this is not your guy. This guy is pure logic. You will never get what he is thinking. You can keep guessing but there won't be a connection. You have to use your brain and out think him, not your heart. It's like a chess game where two people just know what the other person will do.

[helpha]

Its weird, because he's quite an extrovert in life. I don't know if I am deserving of that trust because I have not felt deep "in love" feelings toward him and don't know if we will last. How can I get through to him? I want to see some hope.

[oddwaffle]

If he is an extrovert and having that closed off feeling then don't touch him with a ten foot pole. He can be unstable. Extrovert people needs external stimulus like praises or words or expressions to be themselves. An introvert can be a loner and doesn't need assurance from other people, in fact, he can go for days without speaking to anyone and still be normal. A closed off introvert is normal but a closed off extrovert is problematic. For a normal guy, you just wait. He either comes out of his shell or he doesn't and you move on. It's not something you can do on your end.

[lightbulb27]

Go into relationship counseling.
Assess after a period of time if he can come out of his shell. This may be a big project over the span of several girlfriends for him to learn.

I've seen this post several times in different flavors lately, maybe same person, but same answer. Girls often think like you do... what can I do to change him, make him feel and give me what I need. You can't do it anymore than you can pull a turtle out of its shell after it has retracted. He has to be coached out by processing his emotional blocks and pain and that will be some tears and years probably...