My boyfriend doesn't have sex with me much?

[Oshosh01]

Hi everyone, so im very concerned at the moment. My boyfriend and I have been going out for about 9 months and he barely has sex with me. Maybe once a week? I will be wanting sex and he will say "no I don't want it" or "I'm thinking of other stuff right now" or you have about 5 mins to turn me on and if not we are going to continue with our day basically. It's really upsetting me... I'm starting to feel undesirable. I've told him this and he says "that's not it" but I can't help but feel that is it. Please help me. I need some truth lol

[ak666]

How much of his sex drive do you think is unleashed on you as opposed to his hand?

If he doesn't just have a low libido, he might be getting tired of the whole "ritual" of having sex.

That's kind of an awkward problem to talk about, but being with the same girl for a long time will tend to do that (though 9 months is a tad early, and especially if you two aren't living together yet). Real sex can become less preferable to fake sex for the simple reason that it might need a lot of foreplay, that kind of initial "OMG, I can't believe I'm seeing her naked!" feeling is no longer there, etc.

Spicing things up can help in that case, like dressing in lingerie, doing a strip-tease, etc.

Note that it's not a matter of being undesirable. Sex just tends to become a chore for men over the long run with even the most stunning girl unless they make an effort to mix it up. A lot of times men initially get in the mood to have sex because they get so turned on visually by seeing her naked. After doing that a thousand times with the same girl, that excitement of seeing something you never saw before goes away, so there needs to be a different kind of stimulus to get him in the mood.

[ak666]

For example, in my case I'm very visually stimulated -- it's what puts me in the mood. Yet I've seen my wife's naked body probably over 10,000 times now. So that alone no longer suffices. But sometimes I get in the mood if I notice something about her I didn't see, or just see her in a very pleasant kind of lighting, or if she's wearing something that really accentuates features. Another thing that helps for me is to go on business trips from time to time. Not being around her for a couple of weeks tends to hit the reset button and I get so excited seeing her naked again for a period following that when I return home.

[ak666]

Another that kind of puts me in the mood is if we're just having an especially intimate and nice time together doing something, if we both get a bit tipsy from alcohol, things like that. It's no longer quite as simple anymore for me to get in the mood, not because she's not beautiful to me, but because I know every aspect of her body and character. The biggest turn-ons for me is noticing something new, or in the case when I go on business trips, noticing something missing. Sometimes to force myself to keep our sex lives active, I'll also look at porno or something before she comes back from work, then I'm totally ready to go.

[Oshosh01]

I don't get the whole porn thing. That actually upsets me. I am a model and he made me quit doing that, but yet he can look at other models and porn? It's just so wrong to me.

[Oshosh01]

And another thing I feel is, I'm too faithful and loyal. I only have eyes for that one person I'm involved in. It's sucks, I'm trying to do the whole "oh other guys are attractive thing with feelings" , but I just can't. I'm a one person kinda women. I just can't do it, I wish I could. Another thing is that I don't need porn or anything to want to sleep with my partner, it's either the love is there or not.

[ak666]

It's not your fault -- I think it's a difference between the way we're hard-wired. In the case of my wife for instance, I still think she's stunning -- she has kept in good physical shape, she's still the image of the person I wanted to be with for the rest of my life, and my heart belongs to her 100%. However, we've showered together on a daily basis, for example. As a result, seeing her in the nude is no longer a strong sexual stimulus for me, as I've seen her body countless times. Because of that, how she dresses starts to become more interesting to me than nudity. If she wears something very sexy, suddenly that becomes even more sexy to me than nudity (even though nudity is usually the sexiest thing for me). With a long-term partner getting in the mood tends to kind of require mixing things up. In my case, that kind of honeymoon phase where I was so excited to see my wife naked lasted maybe about 3 years (2 dating, 1 living together). After that I had to start finding ways [...]

[ak666]

[...] to get myself in the mood. One thing that really helps for me is if she cuddles up next to me naked. At that point, even though I see her naked so much, our bodies kind of snuggling up against each other -- flesh against flesh -- puts me in the mood (this time more through the sense of touch than sight). If she isn't naked but is wearing a short skirt, my hand tends to want to reach up there and then we're having sex again. There's lots of things like this that put me in the mood besides porn -- though porn is like a last-ditch backup at times to keep the sex life active. Though "active" for me these days in my 30s is just several times a week -- no longer like 20 times a week in the honeymoon phase. I can no longer do multiple times a day -- my body just runs out of fluid faster.

[MrOracle]

in my opinion, this guy simply doesn't see sex as any kind of big priority in his life, and I'm guessing he's not especially intimate in any sense of the word. That's just who he is, and it has little to do with you personally.

At the same time, though, his personality and yours don't make for a very good match, and that is something that you should think long and hard about.

You are right that the lack of sex is a symptom, but the root problem isn't that you aren't attractive enough, it's that the two of you have vastly different priorities, and thus aren't especially compatible.

[Oshosh01]

I think you may be right. As much as I hate to admit it

[Paris13]

You both have been together now for More than a Month of Mondays, @Oshosh01 and if 'He barely has sex with me' is your only Problem in Paradise, then Perhaps it is More Physical on his own end, my friend.
Suggest to him that a check up with the doctor to make sure everything is ticking okay. Many guys get issues with their "T" count and need a little shot to do them some good, down in their "Neighborhood.'
'Once a week' to me is good if this is All the time you both have. And if he could do More in Store with the 'Time' that he could give you, then Maybe it is Time to get to the Bottom of it.
Being Preoccupied with something or Nervous about a Certain Situation is Something to consider. I am trying to Rule out "Undesirable" on his own end for the Moment until we Know for Sure what it is.
Good luck. xx

[red324]

Lmao. Yeah tell him to go to the doctor, that will get him to bang her more. Seriously?

[Paris13]

@red324 You don't understand, NO, this is not what I mean.. Go online and investigate "T Count," sir, for if a man's Tcount is Low, Testerone, which happens, he cannot perform well or has an interest.

[Aloneyloneloner]

You have 5 minutes to turn me on? Wow what a scum bag.
In all honesty, yes you probably don't turn him on. But who cares? Accept what you have and don't have and move on. If he constantly makes you feel inadequate then it's time to leave the relationship. Rejection hurts but it's a part of life. I've been in a similar situation like you were he just wasn't physically attracted to me and I couldn't turn him on. It hurt my ego yes but I grew up from it and moved on. You are also highly insecure and have problems of feeling lesser/ inadequate. You need to work on that because if you don't you will feel the same in your next relationship. Accept rejection, it's a part of life and a part of growing up. Don't beat yourself up too much.

[kaylaS91]

The truth is that you're either very mismatched in terms of libidos, or he's simply dealing with stress/other responsibilities he's got to take care of and is skimping on sex because most would find it hard to enjoy the pleasure if their mind were elsewhere.

Basically, your boyfriend is not a sex machine. Tell him how you feel and if you find that this amount of sex is not enough for you and he doesn't change his ways even after you voice your concerns... it's time to find a new relationship.

[Oshosh01]

It's so hard because it's okay if he is low on sex drive. I just feel it's me

[kaylaS91]

I'm sure it's not you. Don't forget that, aside from how often either of you want to have sex, you're the one he chose to be in a relationship with. It would be a pretty silly situation to get yourself into, spending so much time with and getting emotionally invested into someone that you feel zero sexual attraction towards. Though again, I stress that you should make your concerns known to him. Pull him aside and tell him that you'd love if you guys could have sex a bit more. That maybe 2-3/week, or even just 2 so long as you spent more time on foreplay, or even just cuddling beforehand. See how he reacts to that, if he takes it seriously or just kind of pushes it to the backburner.

[Oshosh01]

But I don't want to force it. He should actually want sec with me. I shouldn't have to beg.

[kaylaS91]

you're right in that, especially if you're in a relationship, you shouldn't have to beg. I'd say to discuss this issue outside of a sexual context and if his behaviour doesn't change, then you can walk way.

[Oshosh01]

Sadly I'm going to have no choice but to do that. This sucks because we are moving into a new place together for a year

[Cmasterson]

Its actually disgusting the way he's acting, he should be appreciating that you want him.. his behaviour would turn me right off. He gives you no other reason but to think its you, I would tell him that you have needs, your respect his time and you don't need sex all the time but its getting to the point where you're feeling unwanted and it's taking a toll on your confidence.

[AustinMan]

Time to move on. You clearly have a major mismatch of libidos.

[Oshosh01]

It's not a big deal if he has a lower sex drive. It's only a big deal because it makes me feel like he is uninterested.

[AustinMan]

That's enough. It'll just get worse.

[ichot]

It is a big deal.. the source of your "uninterested" problem stems from an unsatisfied libido.

[AustinMan]

@ichot Time to move on. Find a better match from among all those other guys out there.

[Oshosh01]

@ichot great so you're saying he doesn't want to sleep with me because I don't pleasure him good enough?

[ichot]

You're extrapolating more than what's being said. No I did not inference anything of that sort. You feel uninterested because he doesn't want to have sex as much as you do. Where you got the "I don't pleasure him good enough" is beyond me.

[phil2]

You need to set up an agreement that you both like. You can say something like that you want sex x amount a week and he can have x amount time doing what he likes. I don't know.

[SvetlanaSavachenko]

I would say you're not compatible as far as a relationship goes. I know what it's like to be sexually frustrated and I've even begged for sex and didn't get it from him. Eventually I cheated, got caught and kicked to the curb. I'd say it's time to sit down and talk to him and tell him he's got to step up to the plate sexually or allow you to have sex outside the relationship or end the relationship and move on.

[Oshosh01]

I just don't get why this is all happening. I honestly think it's me and he leads it into it being me. Saying he's stressed about us or his job or something is hurting. Even when I don't ask for sex he is always complaining about something. I get yelled at for wanting to talk about real issues you know? Like lack of sex, why do you get randomly angry, why do you have to be an asshole, etc... And I mean we have some real issues in life, but yet we are never allowed to talk about them. It's crazy! I was in an abusive relationship and he even talked to me about stuff. I'm extremely confused.

[SvetlanaSavachenko]

If you can't talk about issues, there's no sex then what is there to the relationship? Someone to look at and a warm body to sleep next to? If you can't even talk I'd say it's time to move on. Someone will appreciate you, love you and treat you like you should be treated.

[hereiam___]

follow me so i can message you @svetlana

[SarahsSummer]

You need to set aside time that you both have to turn each other on. Romance time. This "you have 5 minutes to turn me on.." is unacceptable.

[redeyemindtricks]

ahahah "you have 5 minutes to turn me on" COULD be so much fun tho... ... but, yeah, it's clearly not playing out that way here #sadface

[SarahsSummer]

@redeyemindtricks as s challenge maybe but as an "or I'm moving on.." demand, no thanks.

[redeyemindtricks]

precisely... waaaiiiittt you mean there are other kinds of flirting besides constantly challenging each other? #missedthatmemo lol

[WillowTree]

If "that's not it" he should at least give you a reason. That sort of behavior is what will lead a girl to wanting to cheat or break up. So he needs to give you something or some reason so you can better understand why he won't be intimate with you. Otherwise it's going to deteriorate your relationship with him until it crumbles.

[MrAssHat]

Ok for some men when it becomes to normal or common they start to get bored with it and feel like its a chore.. So as this has happened to me a lot ill warn you he might end up looking for it else where unless you can start to make it special and exciting again

[Oshosh01]

Well we did have Sex yesterday on his terms and I asked him if it's boring and he said no. Wouldn't he say it's boring so I spice it up?

[MrAssHat]

no because as in my case i tell every woman its the best sex of my life.. Because at the end of the day i dont wanna fight over it lol..

[Oshosh01]

Well is there a way I can find out what is going on?

[MrAssHat]

well if you talk to him he's fully capable of bullshiting you like for me.. Im not in a position that i want to leave just yet so im gonna keep talking the talk and do what i HAVE to do to keep it.. But soon as my situation is better im fucking GONE! That being said you could just try to watch for anymore red flags like is he spending stupid amounts of time out o the house with friends or anything that might make you say wtf

[Oshosh01]

Well what I don't get is... Why would he sign a lease with me? We are moving into a new place very soon. This is why I'm confused. Also he just told me that saying I want to have sex is stupid. Next time try and get him to want it?

[MrAssHat]

umm the same reason i married mine? because fact is sometimes u need the stability to last longer then a few months for whatever reason.. please note im a sociopath and im also not the sweet and caring teddy bear style sociopath.. So im telling you how i would do it

[Oshosh01]

You seem like a jokester but I'll take your word for it. My mom is a full blown narssictic women and I spent a lot of my time with her. I'm scared I'm going to be involved with that. Psychology says that whichever parent you hang out with the most is how your partner is going to be like.

[MrAssHat]

Well my father was married 7 times so i guess i need to get started =P

[GingerGuy]

Talk more with him. Ask him "what is it then?" Maybe he just has a lower sex drive than you do? I can't believe he says "you have about 5 mins to turn me on" lol, wow, really? I can see why you feel undesirable. If he's not going to talk with you more about this and explain things then maybe he's not the right guy for you. And make sure you tell him that he makes you feel undesirable (if you haven't already). If he's not willing to talk about this with you then maybe he just doesn't care anymore and is taking you for granted (almost sounds like it). It might be time to look elsewhere.

[Oshosh01]

He does take me for granted, but he feels he doesn't. It actually hurts me because he doesn't see what is going on here or he does and just doesn't care. We live together so it sucks... I wish I knew the truth, but I feel he won't tell me, even if we went to a therapist

[BullyDawg]

Ok for me to give a proper bit of usable advice I will need a bit more back ground. but on the surface he may be just having trouble and having a hard time sharing but it could be he has emotionally divorced you already. …First or all breathe I am going through a breakup at this very moment and yes it hurts but I still believe in love if it is true love you both will find ways to overcome any boundary. It does take 2 love if he doesn't or you do not really feel a connection be glad in the moments of loving them those are a sign of a positive thing and that is the heart within you ! That is a blessed and wondrous thing... hugz n smiles hope I have helped in some way ..….🍀🐶🍀
Thanks for the post

[Oshosh01]

To be honest with you he was never really emotional with me. Maybe every once in a blue moon but rarely. I don't know what to do with him. I don't know how to get him to open up. It seems to me everytime I go to break up he pulls me back in.

[BullyDawg]

Well my sweet friend you sound like the fall back instead of the go to girl for him. It does sound that he his emotionally divorced from you. He needs to know that the things you need are important to your relationship. Use your voice love remember to breathe and tell him if he cannot or will not accommodate you move on. I always vote love because with it you can truly move mountains and the hearts of people. hugz n smiles I am here for you! 🍀🐶🍀

[Oshosh01]

I talked to him about being emotionally unavaible and he said "I don't know what you want me to say" we argued about it for a while and then all his feelings came rushing out. He said that he would be extremely upset if we break up and he doesn't want that. He actually said he wants to go to relationship counciling which I was very shocked about. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It's never easy. The last relationship I had was horrible. He was abusive in all catagories and I thought I deserved it but I didn't. That's probably why in my current relationship I put up a fight. I know my worth and I know what I deserve, but on a downside im also a fixer, I wait for such a long time to see if I can fix the issue. I'm hoping this one will be fixed in a very short period of time.

[BullyDawg]

You go gurl I always vote love ! I am glad you are working it out remember breathe communicate and do all things with love in mind ! Be well good luck hugz n smiles as always 🍀🐶🍀

[oldanddecrepid]

That is unfortunate.

9 months is not a very long period to be together and the sex side of things starting to fall off the rails.

Once a week is reasonable though. Sounds to me like you have a higher sex drive than he does.

Have you talked to him about it, as it could be a number of things? I am sure if you are willing, then it has nothing to do with whether you are desirable or not.

His mind may not be in the game due to other issues at work, his family, etc., Sometimes we have to look at things on the outside before we chalk things up to him not finding you desirable. Perhaps work is not going well and can't focus.

We can only speculate and it is probably best that you talk to him about it. Don't accept an answer like... oh it is nothing, he is just protecting you from things. For a relationship to work you have to voice these things and work through them.

[Oshosh01]

I told him he needs to be honest with me and he said it's because we fought, he's too tired, doesn't feel like it, etc... It hurts because no matter what happens between my partner and I, sex is what holds me together with the person. It's that bond.

[oldanddecrepid]

Do you fight a lot or just occasionally? I know I would not be in the mood if I had just fought with my girlfriend and it was never resolved! The tired thing is just a joke to me! I could never use that excuse... we are all tired and lack sleep some days. I would suggest hitting the hay a little earlier then and let him get some rest. Once rested, there is no excuse! Doesn't feel like WTF, that is just a piss poor excuse. If he says he does not feel like it, then he is not feeling at all towards you. Sex is no doubt an important component of a relationship, therefore, saying you don't feel like it is a slap in your partners face. I would give him an ultimatum, start trying or call it quits, simple as that.

[Nomad69]

Sexually incompatible I guess

[cookies4ever]

well it sounds like he isn't satisfying one of your needs. You need to talk to him about it and be on the same page or else the relationship is doomed

[Oshosh01]

Agreed

[akadatank44]

he's not satisfying your needs and a few of them. He makes you feel unwanted and that's not what a boyfriend is for. My advice is to move on. He won't change. Best find sk. eoen who wants to come home to you everyday and fuck your brains out 👅

[Jaded214]

Tell him that you have needs and that if he can't fulfill them then you'll find someone else that will.

[red324]

I don't know what to say, but if that's really you in your profile pic, I'd start wondering if he was actually straight? No offense, but you look damn sexy. haha

[Paris13]

Good to see you have a box.

[red324]

@Paris13 You mean no profile pic? lol

[Oshosh01]

Yes that is really me in the photo. What pisses me off is that I was a model and he told me to stop doing it, but he is allowed to looks at other girls on Instagram and porn. Like really? I'm starting to get angry because I'm seeing a lot of unfair things

[red324]

Find a guy who isn't a selfish prick.

[Oshosh01]

It's harder than you think lol especially where I'm from

[red324]

Well you could date a guy who's just average, he will have an appreciation for you and treat you well, and of course lots of sex. haha. A hot guy can line up another girl pretty quick so your value to him isn't very high. I don't mean to be rude about it, but I'm just kind of stating the facts.

[red324]

Or go lesbian! I know a girl who did that! I'm trying to turn her straight so she'll date me, but she's only straight when she has a few drinks. lol

[takumii]

If it makes you feel better, guys will basically fuck anything. It doesn't matter them much if something is undesirable to them.
So rest assure that's not the case, he just has low libido.

[sp33d]

Ask him what it is. If he says "that's not it", then usually that implies he has an explanation as to what it is.

[thomasans]

It's not you believe me. Most guys would love to please you any time and more! When you have to ask and get turned down its time to find another right now.

[TonyRyanAgain]

Maybe he's stressed? Has he been working a lot lately?

[dudegrt09]

That's a shame! Maybe some other guy like me should fulfil your needs ;P
I mean someone as hot as you should definitely be getting sex on regular basis