As a BDSM submissive, how do I become more assertive in my life OUTSIDE of the bedroom?

[xDocilexFaeriex]

I am a very feminine looking woman. I enjoy wearing dresses, skirts, tight blouses and having my long hair. I am obsessed with makeup! :) I also love nail-polish! I have a subtle demeanor and might ONLY be able to intimidate others by my glamorous and fancy appearance, but I'm not a b**** by any means.

1. How do I act assertive, instead of as a pushover at my job? (I tell my fellow employees what to do/my bosses tell me what to do)

2. How do I speak up to my Dom, outside of the bedroom; as a B. D. S. M submissive? (I fear he will get mad/we'll fight--we never got in a HUGE fight yet!!) *Note* We still didn't make rules/our limit lists... but we have a good idea of our limits.

3. Aren't submissives usually dominant outside the bedroom?

4. Are we only to be submissive to our Dominants?

5. I am a lot stronger than I appear, and I want to express this side of me too; just not sure how! Will learning how to be assertive outside of the bedroom HELP me become a better submissive IN the bedroom?

Can you please help me as much as possible? Thank you, to you all! <3

[redeyemindtricks]

Ok, I know I go on and on and on about my marriage on here, ad nauseam. I'll spare you that, this time. (:

Capsule summary:

One of most memorable compliments I've ever been given, was during the one time when my confidence as a *woman* really just fell apart.
I've written about that on here before. Long story made short: My body wasn't good enough to breastfeed my firstborn (he had a "bad latch"). I needed breast pumps, my own girlfriends as wet nurses, and lots and lots of tears and pathos.
One night, my husband came and sat behind my tear-wracked body. He put his arms around me, with his hands gently caressing the softer skin where my stomach had been big and pregnant, as my whole body shook with sobs and sniffles.
He just held me, for... an hour? 2 hours? I don't know, but it was a long time. Nothing but the gray screen of the baby monitor, the smoggy purple night skies of Los Angeles, and... us. Wherever you go, there you are.

After holding me for that long in silence, he turned me to face him, took my hands in his, pressed his forehead against mine, and told me:
"[redeye]... You know why I love you baby girl... 'Cause you're the big leagues."

What he was telling me -- based on many of our other conversations over the years, casual and deep alike -- was, "You challenge me" / "You MAKE me a better man".

This... Blew me away.
Coming from the man who, quite literally, saved my *life* from directionless, restless thrill-seeking.
And coming at a time when I was a fucking wreck, a failure as a woman, in a pool of tears and despair.

__

You get why I'm telling you this story, right?

I'm telling you this story to illustrate what a GOOD relationship should be like.

You should NOT have to *struggle* to assert yourself with yr man, because yr man should INSPIRE you to assert yourself with him -- and he should relish the opportunity to watch that grow in you.

You should NOT have to be *afraid* that he'll get mad. Conflict is a healthy part of any long-term relationship. Conflict is NECESSARY to GROW together.
Go ahead and fight. Fight passionately and lustily. Take it into the bedroom. <3
Then lie together, exhausted and draped over each other... and TALK and LEARN about each other. Gain the wisdom that is to be gained from that conflict. Learn to anticipate and ward off the same issues *in advance* next time, if there's a next time.
But, ALWAYS emerge from ANY conflict with "lessons learned" and greater knowledge of each other -- and of yourself.

Read

[redeyemindtricks]

this:
www.girlsaskguys.com/.../q2014236-does-this-degrade-women

From there -- if you have a solid INSPIRATION -- you'll draw the confidence for those other areas.
Eventually, that confidence will come from within you. But, it starts from someone else believing in you, and supporting you, and *challenging* you -- as you do them.

"Fake it 'til you make it" is a thing -- but, even "faking it", ironically, needs a real basis, a real inspiration. That's what you SHOULD be getting -- at least in part -- from this boy of yours.

And, in return, HE should find that HE is playing higher and higher levels of the game called "you".
And he should WANT that. No one wants to play level 1 for the rest of their life. Or even tomorrow.

__

One other thing.

If you are a *bottom* in the bedroom, if you reflect a bit on this, you will probably find that you are NOT actually as much of a "sub" as you think you are.

In fact,

[redeyemindtricks]

YOU are -- almost without a doubt -- ALREADY the one who plays the heavy role in setting boundaries. As you well should be, until *complete* trust is gained (which takes years and years, not to mention a genuine lifetime commitment both ways). Think about it. Probably without even realizing it, YOU have almost certainly asserted yourself, carved out a niche of comfort/influence, and dictated the way things go, in these bedroom games. As the bottom, that's usually how it goes -- you're like the conductor of an orchestra. The top's "control" and "dominance" is but an illusion (albeit a fun one). So, think about that. Think about it for a long long time. Then reflect on HOW you've asserted yourself -- without transgressing into "being a bitch", whatever that means to you. You may already have the skill set you need for items 1-2, right in yr hands. You may even have been using that skill set already. Go get 'em, girl.

[xDocilexFaeriex]

Beautiful!! You have inspired me once again <3

[redeyemindtricks]

Tx for the MH luv <3

[xDocilexFaeriex]

You're welcome, Ma'am!

[Laura_Marx]

Hahahaha this is kind of a problem for me too. I'm very submissive in all aspects of my life, really. I am very happy to be a 'follower' and not leading anything. Which, in my opinion, is okay - I think civilization values domination, leadership, personal success, etc., too much, compared with quiet things like surrender and suffering. Which is very much a masochists view of the world, lmao, but whatever.

As for how do you speak up to your dom outside of the bedroom... That worries me a little! I am actually very careful not to engage in 'lifestyle' bdsm stuff, because I have no idea how I'd be abe to assert my boundaries in that situation. It is important to be able to have boundaries. Discuss your boundaries ASAP, honestly, and make sure your partner will be able to stop and do aftercare whenever you need it.

But I don't know, I'm not really a kink person, I would never go to a dungeon or whatever. I need to trust someone a lot already before I'm comfortable being sexual with them, so by the time I'm their sub we've already ironed out those problems, you know? There are other ways of doing it in BDSM communities, as I understand. But if you feel like you're walking on eggshells because they're your dom, you probably need to have a good long talk with them about it, really.

"I am a lot stronger than I appear, and I want to express this side of me too; just not sure how!"

Maybe you could look into bratty sub stuff? It can be fun to 'resist' being dommed a little, and have your partner 'tame' you. It's not something I'm super into but I've played with it a little before and its fun :3 I am not like you though, I am super weak, so my dommes can always pin me down effortlessly and, ah~

As far as being assertive as a person helping you be submissive - not really... Your sexual submission won't really improve by improving your virtues as a person. I like to think of BDSM as a sort of performance that we both do for each other, like an interactive theater. I am playing the part of the wriggly sub and she the part of the loving domme and we can take the performance where ever it goes in a direction that is fulfilling to us both. The more we perform together the better and better our act becomes, the more we understand our roles...

As far as being a better sub, or a better domme, to me it's mostly to do with learning your partners kinks and what fulfills them, and trying to push their buttons.

[Laura_Marx]

Oh, as far as why I don't think improving your personal virtues will improve you as a sub, I want to say that like, not in a bad way. I actually think its a pretty unhealthy view to think of being a good sub as being linked to being a good person. I know some people take a very mystical view of BDSM but I don't... Being a bad sub doesn't make you a bad person. It's important not to internalize all the headfucking as self-loathing.

[xDocilexFaeriex]

Thanks, Miss!!! I need to talk to him. I haven't had a long conversation with him in awhile. We have actually been together a year... but not as Dom and sub (that's only happened in the last couple months)

[xDocilexFaeriex]

I must keep this in mind :)

[Laura_Marx]

ah okay <333 yeah, I think thats a good way to do it. Making the adjustment can be kinda tough, it's good to have a lot of honest conversations about it!!

[Laura_Marx]

also I totally noticed that you called me miss. You really are a sub huh :P

[xDocilexFaeriex]

:) yep! I call a lot of the guys on here Sir!

[Laura_Marx]

ahahaha, that's so subtle. I love that. I do things like that too. Maybe I should start using miss, now that you mention it... ><

[xDocilexFaeriex]

If the women are older than me by a lot, I call them Ma'am as well =)

[xDocilexFaeriex]

I actually LOVE getting punished a LOT! Unfortunately, I EVEN fear punishments. I hear that if one is not careful, it can start to affect a subs self esteem... same with degrading! I can't help what turns me on though :( !!

[redeyemindtricks]

--- "I hear that if one is not careful, it can start to affect a subs self esteem... same with degrading! I can't help what turns me on though 😞 !!" ---

^^ I wrote about this EXACT thing in my opinion here:
www.girlsaskguys.com/.../q2036162-what-s-the-meanest-thing-someone-s-said-to-you

In short -- Coming from the wrong person, yeah, those things can tear you down.

Coming from the *right* person... being "degraded" can, ironically and beautifully enough, make it impossible for anyone to ever hurt you with those kinds of words ever again.

<3

[Laura_Marx]

@redeyemindtricks ah wow, that answer is amazing. I love the idea that we can reclaim our trauma through subbing. Thanks for sharing that

[redeyemindtricks]

Yes yes yes so much yesssssss

Those notebooks are real -- very real.
That whole thing started when I was about 10 years old. Relevant story here (which was also how I discovered my interest in what you'd call "BDSM", looooong before I had any idea what sex was, or any prurient interest in boys)
www.girlsaskguys.com/.../q1864826-girls-at-what-age-was-ure-first-masturbation-process-did-u-tell

At that point, it was just writing out words that had a strangely hypnotic effect on me. Useless... Fucked up... I didn't know *what* those words were doing to me, but they were doing... *something*.
Lots of somethings.

Then, a few years later, it was full-blown depression, and those words made me hurt even more -- but hurting that much made me know I was ALIVE. Alive is not dead. I made it. Barely.

I can't... Don't even have words to describe, how much pain and hurt was just washed right out of my life, the first time those words were

[redeyemindtricks]

screamed into my world by the man I love and trust. It was like an industrial power wash. Against that, those past wounds were... Worthless. Nothing. <3

[Laura_Marx]

@redeyemindtricks wow <33333333333 that's amazing.

[redeyemindtricks]

Thank you for the kind words. It means a lot to me when my writing *connects* with someone I haven't even met, on a heart and soul level.

[xDocilexFaeriex]

@redeyemindtricks thank you!!!

[teawrecks]

I'm submissive to anyone who gives me a vibe that makes me feel like I can trust them to be in charge of me.

Only one guy has ever been able to make me 100% submissive so far though.

You just have to take ownership of yourself outside of the bedroom and almost boss yourself around to reach a level of feeling comfortable to boss others around

[xDocilexFaeriex]

Thanks, girl!!!

[Iamaloser]

You are so right

[xDocilexFaeriex]

@Iamaloser you think that would work? :D

[Iamaloser]

OK. I have no experience in this area only what I read.

[Iamaloser]

Teawrecks thanks for accepting my follow

[xDocilexFaeriex]

Have you ever been submissive to someone because you were afraid of him/her?

[AustinMan]

1. You channel a person in your life that models the behavior you want.

2. If your relationship is D/s only sexually, then follow answer 1. If it's more full time, then you do so carefully and very respectfully.

3. Not necessarily. In real life, my lady and I are full and equal partners.

4. Not sure I understand the question.

5. Not necessarily. By strong, do you mean physically or that you can take a lot more S&M than he seems to think?

[xDocilexFaeriex]

4: Meaning should I only be fully submissive to my Dom, if it were to be outside the bedroom? Or should I be submissive to other men (not sexually) 5. I mean mentally strong (for my job/relationship)

[AustinMan]

4. What are the current parameters of your relationship? What relationship model do you want to have? 5. How do you see your mental strength impacting your relationship? By mental strength, do you mean intelligence, mental toughness, savvy, or what?

[xDocilexFaeriex]

4. BDSM in the bedroom only... occasionally I pick what we do outside the bedroom etc. 5. Mental toughness

[AustinMan]

So let me ask you the two seminal questions: 1) Do you want to take the D/s nature of the relationship to 24/7 or do you want it as it is. Making suggestions implies needing his agreement with isn't dominance. 2) Do you want him to stretch your limits further faster due to your mental toughness? How would you have him do that? I'd do it with more intense pain and pleasure.

[xDocilexFaeriex]

1. Yes, but I am kinda scared to take it to the next level. :) 2. Yes, pain, pleasure, degradation... as if nothing can hurt me. *note, I was bullied as a child, and have increased my mental toughness since then* *2nd note, when people act tough or intimidating, I feel like I can't handle them sometimes--in my job* I'm working on this though :)

[AustinMan]

You sound like a strong woman. Please follow me. I'd like to chat about your situation offline.

[xDocilexFaeriex]

OK, Sir :)

[Berethor]

Didn't make much sense to me for the girl to be submissive "only" in bedroom, I think you should be submissive to your boyfriend everywhere, as for the job, I am not sure.

[xDocilexFaeriex]

I'm not sure what I want?

[xDocilexFaeriex]

I did get the job thing under control, luckily :)

[Berethor]

I mean that it's make no sense to be submissive only in one place, if you are submissive, you are going to be submissive at almost everything. I don't think that those who are submissive are dominant outside the bedroom, many women are submissive both in bedroom and in overall, while men who are usually physically stronger, are more dominant then women in overall.

[xDocilexFaeriex]

I guess what I'm trying to figure out is if submission without respect is abuse. Example, can I still pick what activities we do/restaurants we go to, and still be submissive? I'm not going to make him do something IF he hates it, though. Also, if I don't consent to something that he tells me to do... etc. that would be abuse? As long as there is consent/respect, I'll submit 😉

[xDocilexFaeriex]

I understand what you mean... as much of a dominant tough chick I attempt to be, it gets too tiring. Though, I have to boss people around at work lol...

[Berethor]

Is a slave really want respect? appreciation maybe, for her being a good slave, but there is not much honor to be found in being a slave. I think if you pick too many thing, it's not very submissive and slave-like of you, but then again, your boyfriend is not so good as being master anyway, if I remember correctly, so he kinda need you to tell him what to do. Submission don't have to include pain and humiliation, a woman can be submissive to her man without it, so really it's specifically about BDSM then it's about submission overall. There is an very thin line between BDSM and abuse, from the side BDSM looks like abuse, but you still like it anyway. I think that a good slave obey the master as much as he would, if the master need to ask the slave all the time, it's not such a good slave. Well if you need to boss people at work I can see the problem, but you don't have much choice in the matter, don't you?

[xDocilexFaeriex]

I agree with this. In BDSM, being a slave is not very notable... but as a sub, I do get say in what I want to do/don't want to do :) I should be making him dinner, giving him back rubs, making him feel appreciated and amazing. I'd make him dinner all the time, but it pisses me off that he DOESN'T like many different foods. He's picky. I made him a homemade pasta sauce, and he blatantly ate around the vegetables... just the juice from the vegetables. This upset me. He always says how restaurant food is better, because he can't cook. He's getting better at being a Master/Dom etc. but I don't think he reads up on BDSM as much as he SHOULD :) If he only goes off what I tell him, he's in trouble... even though I've been interested in BDSM for about 5 years!! I just need a say in a few dumb things, like picking the movie we watch (we saw an awful movie a week ago... and ever since then lol, I've been mad we wasted 2 hours!!) Truthfully, I love that he controls me... usually

[xDocilexFaeriex]

He's getting better at punishing me! He spanked me for like 10 minutes and told me how naughty I was for something. He began to degrade me, and HE ACTUALLY found degrading arousing because I was so aroused by it! Last time, he put a leash on me, and I bounded almost every body part of mine... he wouldn't let me talk for 15 minutes! This was wondrous torture! My Dom is learning... but I think HIS job is making him more dominant (office job)! Possibly, though, we're both still learning, moreso he, but it's getting better! He was ALSO able to stay hard long enough for us to have REAL sex... like 4 minute sex... which is bad, but it's getting better :) (Just wanted to fill you in, because it's been awhile since you helped :D )

[Berethor]

Good, if you making him a dinner then you are a sub not only in the bedroom, are you cleaning the house as well? yes I see why you upset that he so picky about the food. So I see that you like having a say and you didn't want to be a slave and total sub. Well you should love that he control you, and not only in the bedroom, otherwise it's would be too non-sub of you. Is he punishing and degrading you because of the food you make to him as well? especially if you didn't make it good enough? well glad to hear that he get better at BDSM and you like it. Yes I guess that his job is helping him to get better at it, as well as your guidance. Now he is able to last 4 minute? yes it's not much but it's better then nothing, how is was able to, with the help of the ideas that I give you last time? and is he trying to go again in the same day after some rest? to make it more in total? and did he tried to go slower to last longer?

[xDocilexFaeriex]

He didn't punish me for the food, but that's a good idea

[xDocilexFaeriex]

Yes to your other questions =)

[SweetHomicidalQueen]

@redeyemindtricks this is for you lol

[redeyemindtricks]

so much awesomeness in this thread

[chintita]

listen to urself. if u feel uncomfortable with something, let ur walls come up and don't be afraid to say what u want to say.

i've never had that problem, i'm naturally more assertive but i like being dominated by a guy i trust 100%.

[xDocilexFaeriex]

I told him how I felt, I guess I'm afraid to really change my relationship. I like how things are usually... except when I don't get my way. I'm kinda like a brat sub :) I just think, this all comes down to how I was raised. I'm just so used to being submissive... but at work, I have to tell the customers and my coworkers what to do! I just feel so strange! It's out of character for me :/

[chintita]

im a brat too. fake it till u make it, wake up and pretend ur in a movie starring ur assertive self.

[Baumber]

Like I said, dominate yourself, then that will translate into a more assertive behavior. Sex is a whole different aspect... though being assertive outside of the bedroom may open your eyes to new ideas in the bedroom!!!

[xDocilexFaeriex]

I do kinda dominate myself lol... because I'm SO good at meeting deadlines and stuff in school! When I read, I feel more in control too... like I try to make myself read x amount of pages... it's just summer, I'm at home etc... and I don't need control... what I need is my Dom/BF whatever he is LOL to actually learn what it means to be a Dom. I fear all he knows is what I explain to him. I do believe his office job IS making HIM a better Dom... but my job is confusing the f%$# out of me lol!!

[Baumber]

Well it's hard to teach someone to be a dominant. When it comes to social interactions... you can't turn your dominance switch on and off... it must remain on in order to be dominant. Being a dom might be new to him... so he's still figuring out what he likes. But on the other hand, he may be scared to push the boundaries. As for you, being assertive in a work environment is nothing but beneficial for you as an employee. It shows you're devoted to perfection and confident in your abilities. I've interviewed a couple people for different positions at my company and the ones that stand out the most are those that portray confidence, assertive behavior, and dedication.

[xDocilexFaeriex]

He still lives at home too... and he's sort of a Mama's boy lol... and his Dad and him are distant. He could be scared to push boundaries. Lol... if you hired me... I'd probably worry about harassment. But, in my female work environment... life is great!! I'm kicking ass tomorrow!!!

[Baumber]

I would you worry about being harassed?

[Baumber]

*Why

[xDocilexFaeriex]

I've heard so much stuff from school and the media... kinda scares me to ever get an office job (sexual harassment/feminist stuff)!! :(

[Baumber]

Lol you need to stop believing EVERYTHING that the media tells you! The media is rarely correct. An office job is usually a pretty laid back and friendly environment for most employees. Most are kind, but like an company, there are assholes that work for it. My office has 173 employees, and we all know each other... We're like a family.

[Anonymous]

Fake it until you make it :) pretend you're role playing and speak whatever is on your mind