My girlfriend has a weird sexual history and im having a hard time dealing with it. Any advice... please?

So my girlfriend and i have been together for about a year. Over time she has told me as things that have made me very uncomfortable. she was molested by her cousin. A cousin that was 10 years older than her and she was raped by one of her highschool classmates. Both guys are in jail. Then she was a stripper for a couple years right out of high school. All that i can deal with. Not that its a given but she had no control over this, its not her fault. Then come the things i have an issue with. She did a few porn movies and they are all over the internet. She doesn't do it any more she says it was bad judgment that she needed the money. She has a good job and she sees a counselor regularly. She is very driven sexually, a super high aggressive sex drive. I used to like it until i found out her history. i never asked her about this stuff she always volunteered to tell me. I was managing through this stuff ok for the most part and then came the kicker, the part that push me beyond my limit. She told me she had more to say that it was really hard for her. That she used to have sex with both her brother and her sister. It wasn't rape or molestation it was consensual. She says it s part of her therapy to tell me this but im not dealing with this well. Who the hell would tell someone that without expecting that person to need help as a result? On top of that I've noticed that she and her brother are really really close. They are always talking and touching each other, not sexually really but its just weird. She says they haven't done anything since highschool which was 5 years ago but im not sure i can handle this. Im not even interested in her as a partner anymore i think. On the other hand she has worked more than any regular person to put her life together and i dont want to cause problems for her. I honestly dont see how talking about all this crap helps. I just want to walk but i know thats not right but im not sure if i can stay with her.
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Most Helpful Girls

  • if you love her yes, and you need to realize that her body being taken control of at an early age had a lot or everything to do with the porno's and her other bad decisions. Her acting like that is probably how she cooped with what happened to her in the past, she felt that her body was no longer worth anything and she didn't deserve someone who would take care of her. Rape victims actually, most of the time go down the same route they don't know what it feels like to have respect towards their body. You need to think of those porno's NOT as her being a dirty wh*re, but think of them as a little girl who was scared and not knowing what she is feeling and thinks all she is good for is being taken control of. if you continue to date her and it works out you need to make love to her, not f*ck her. I realize she might act like she's kind of crazy in bed or can just f*ck like a person who hasn't gone through what she has but the moment you get into the mood with her and you do things like kiss her body, look her in the eyes, hold her hand while doing it, and other loving things, she will be able to open up more and realize she is a beautiful woman who is as deserving of love and respect like every other woman. NONE of the "dirty" sexual things she has done are her fault! please understand that!!!

    • I dont know that i love her. I mean i wasn't looking for marriage or love. Not that i was closed to it it just wasn't something i was looking for. Now with all this i can't possibly be objective about it right now. Its incredibly stressful.

    • whatever you choose just try not to hurt her, I know several people who have been through what she has and let me tell you it's not easy! they get flashback and horrible memories, nightmares even.

  • Honestly if you feel uncomfortable being with her then you should just leave. I get it that she's been through a lot and is trying to rebuild her life and that trying to leave her now might seem like a shitty thing to do, at a time when she probably needs you the most but a relationship doesn't just work one way.
    You can't just take, you gotta give as well.
    Ask yourself this, do you think her past is enough to make you think you can't ever be happy together? Do you think therapy might help with the issues you're having? Do you see yourself getting married down the road?
    Is being there for her worth living a miserable life? Can you live with yourself knowing you abondoned her?
    Depending on your answers, you'll know what to do.

    • I wasn't getting into a relationship to find love or marriage necessarily. Not that im against it its just not something i was thinking about. Im miserable now but not because of anything she has done since I've known her. she's been straight since I've known her more straight than a lot of the "normal" women I've been with. Whats made me miserable is knowing some of the choices she made in the past and my perception about what this could mean for the future. Honestly she has been as straight and reliable and hard working as any person I've known which makes me feel like i just can't abandon her.

    • You're in a tricky situation here... you don't want to abandon her yet you're skeptical of your future together. However here is the thing, you're not a child... you don't get to ponder on things hoping it will reslove itself. You're a grown man with responsibilities, people rely on you, you're body relies on you. Misery leads to depression and I don't think I need to tell you how depression decreases work productivity or how it is likely to make you more prone to accidents. You have to make a decision, decide what's more important.. Man up and own up to your responsibilities.

    • Man up she says. I suppose you are right. Question though. At what point does a person earn redemption? What about her cousin that molested her or the guy that raped her? Would you forgive those two? Does she deserve redemption? Who did she hurt besides herself? she's never hurt me. What does it say to rebuff her trust when she has worked so hard? We are all defined by what we do. Ill take a break for a couple days from her. If she holds it together ill go to a counseling session with her when i check back in. Then we'll see what happens and decide whats next.

  • Wow... I'm sorry, that's a lot of sexual information. Her brother and sister? Wth? I'm sorry I'm not judging but I would not be able to handle that if my boyfriend told me stuff like this. You have to think about this rationally, you said you don't think about her as your partner anymore, but that's for now.

    First think about it, get some advice from other people and then make your decision, she had her reasons for everything. But if you feel you don't trust her or respect her or even feel disgusted being next to her then end the relationship.

    I wouldn't want someone like that as my husband... and I'm sure you wouldn't want to have a wife like this.

    • I can't see marrying her. She was molested by her cousin for 10 years from the age of 5. That messed her up. She says thats not who she is now. she's put her self through college. She has a good job. On the surface everything seems normal. she's reliable consistent and stable. enough so i had a hard time believing she was raped and molested until she showed me the court documents.. If she had not told me these things id have never guessed. Other than her counseling id have no reason to know. I have respect for her in some ways but im just not getting past some of this stuff.

    • She threw a meteor at your head with all that information, but she's trying to be better. The most important thing is she's improving herself.

  • You're not obligated to be there for her if it's compromises you. Yes, it will definitely set her back in her therapy sessions, but that's not your responsibility. If you can't be there for her, walk away now. Don't let there be a false sense. It's also important for you to be completely honest about why you are breaking up with her.

Most Helpful Guys

  • That is super tough but worth talking about (or typing). Emotionally, how do you feel about her? Maybe it will help talking in a group session with her counciler. It is important to tell her how you feel and it might help to understand more of why she did it. If she was raped or molested, it's likely her sister and/or brother were too. When that happens, people can get really confused about their sexuality and how it relates to their family/life relationships. Be honest, be compassionate and good luck.

  • If her telling you is a part of her therapy, it has caused you to be uncomfortable, and you don't want to cause problems for her, ask her if you can have a joint session with her counselor and discuss the situation with her in a counselling session.

    • I reckon you are right. This isn't going to solve itself and im not equipped to deal with this. However im gonna take a coue days to think things through. I either walk now or i go with her to a session. I think those are my immediate choices but my head is so not straight right now. If she breaks in those few days i need to decide then i walk. If not then i still need to decide what to do. Thats how i feel right now. I feel like its wrong to just abandon someone who has tried so hard and overcome a lot. To me that doesn't mean im in an intimate relationship with her. It just means im not walking away. Ill see how i feel in a couple days.

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • I could deal with the abuse she had to go through as none of that is her fault. I'd be okay ish with the stripper thing. But the porn and the incest would be a hell no!

  • Oh man what you've gotten yourself into. You didn't know this before taking the plunge?
    There's the whole "the past is the past" blah blah blah deal but if you don't see her as a suitable partner then you got to be honest with yourself and do the right thing instead of... living a lie.

  • I think it's best you stay with her until you think she will be fine on her own. You hit the point where you probably can't even look at her no more. The part with her having sex with her bro and sis, fucked me up. At the end of the day it's your decision if you wanna leave now or later.

  • She is/was clearly a disturbed person. The important thing is she is seeking help. You should think about what drew you to her in the first please e. If those reasons are no longer valid, you may need to tell her and move on. If they are valid and you love her, help her through this therapy. It may create a bond like one you've never felt before.

  • Sweet jesus, you've got yourself into a mess dude.

    It ain't even me and I feel your pain man, you're right, that is a kicker haha. Uh, I'd say it's wrong to leave right now until she's in a better state of mind, but if you're unhappy, leave her. You can't fake it every time you're with her, it'll kill you.

  • Wow man that's a lot to take in. I mean the whole sex with her siblings thing is very disturbing. Even more disturbing that it was consensual. I don't know why she would share that. I mean you don't owe anyone anything and you don't have to stay in a relationship you can't handle - a lot of people wouldn't be able to handle that - but I think you owe it to her to be honest about how it's making you feel.

  • Dude, you owe her nothing. Just say goodbye and walk away. Her well being is not your responsibility.

  • The incest and rape kinda explains why she is so sexual.

    Another thing if she gets so horny and you are absent? What makes you think she won't have a fling with her brother again?

    • I wonder what is the next part she will go on to tell you? That she probably slept with her father too.

    • Yeah i wonder these things to. Really she has been very reliable and consistent in everything she does. I've not had any reason to doubt her. On the other hand i tend to think of this stuff as an addiction and i am always wondering when she'll have a relapse or something like that. I also wonder now what she hasn't told me. Although again she has tried to be very open with me about some very hard stuff and she has worked very hard at trying to show me she is in control. Which is what makes this so hard. I've told her i need a few days to think things through.

    • Well hear her out before you diss her something. I feel her brother is pedo.

    • Show All
  • Wow I feel
    Sorry for her and you...
    For her for having a history like da
    And for you for taking in so much..
    I'm really sorry to hear all da...
    But honestly I have seen worst
    She made many mistakes but who doesn't make mistakes... no one is perfect
    Someone people just hide all the bad shit they do while others tells everyone!!

    Tho none of da actually matters if u don't love her..

  • Wow, this one is above and beyond me i'd say at least she has made step forward but the sleeping with sibling consensually would be a deal breaker for me.

  • It comes down to whether or not you can get past this. It was a poor move on her part to share that sexual information with you. As a general rule, no woman should ever share her sexual history with any man she likes. Or any man period.
    If knowing this is going to continue to bother you then do what's best for you. Like someone else said, you owe her nothing.

    • Its kind of hard for her to not share it. All of what she told me is known by her family and some friends or is on the internet. Imagine that i found this out from someone other than her. I reckon id have walked without a word.

  • she was trying to make you feel pity for her... but I guess she just did the opposite... you are 30-35 its your life what ever we say does not matter... just follow your heart

  • There's millions of other girls out there. Break up with her.

  • If it bothers you that much, it's simple. Leave her.

  • Don't be a jerk. Her being molested wasn't her fault and that kind of stuff messes with your mind. It makes you permisculos. You should be supportive of her and understanding. Read up on molestation. Don't hold her past against her.

  • Then let her go and let her find someone who will love her for her

    • You think its just that simple huh? I let her go and she just magically finds someone to love her and be happy ever after. This stuff isn't easy for anyone involved.

  • Fuck these guys who act like she betrayed you by suffering a history of sexual abuse.

    That's why we've got to push to get sexual abuse resources more readily available and stop these cycles of betrayal and pain. It ruins people's lives so that they've barely got s chance to thrive.

    I don't know what to do in your situation, honestly. But remember her and become an advocate. We as a society need to stop pushing sexual abuse under the rug.

  • that's one crazy sexual history , there's often a reason girls try and keep there sexual history private , most of the time you'd never know where she had been in the past m as you say unless she decided to tell you. I'm really not sure why she decided to tell you all this , you sure she's not looking for a way out of this relationship and trying to get you to leave?

  • whats her name?