Girls, is it a deal breaker if he can't make you orgasm?

[Anonymous]

my boyfriend just can not make me orgasm. he just does whatever feels good for him and when he's done, we're done. it feels good for me too but im never anywhere near an orgasm. even when we had sex for 5 hours. i constantly bring up foreplay but he spends barely any time on that, i guide his hands to touch me in specific places, he does but only if i guide them. i tell him what i like, the majority of the time he forgets. everything else in our relationship is going great like we never argue, we get along perfectly, he's always going out of his way to make me happy (except for in bed!) and we have a lot of fun together but now im just getting really frustrated because he wants to have sex a lot but its only for his pleasure.

[Laura_Marx]

I was in a long-term relationship like this. I would eat her out, and then she would make a half-harted attempt to get me off, say she was tired and roll over, leaving me to finish myself off. I overlooked it, thinking, hey, I'm lucky to get to eat out a girl like her anyway! but jeeze, looking back, that relationship sucked. At the time I only thought she was unattentive of my sexual desires, but in retrospect she was unattentive of everything - my needs, my boundaries, me as a person. I was there to enrich her life.

It's okay if he can't make you cum because he's a clumsy oaf, but if he just won't listen to you that's a big red flag, honestly. Maybe you can set aside the sex, but maybe, like me, you are mistaken that it is just the sex. Do you really feel like your relationship is mutually regenerative, or are you doing a lot of work for him?

I guess, put simply: if you're not getting anything out of the sex, you shouldn't offer it. You are not a resource of sexual labour, and you have no obligation to him.

[xHoneyxBeex]

I don't think it would be a deal breaker for me. I know my own body really well and I know how to get myself to orgasm during sex. It's great to have a boyfriend who is attentive though and wants to pleasure you so I think as long as he is putting in the effort and actually trying, then that should count for something.

If you have told your boyfriend what you like though and he just doesn't want to do it, then that would be a red flag for me. I wouldn't want to be with someone who was selfish in bed. Sex should be a mutual thing. Try talking to him about it again and if he just acts like he doesn't care at all and nothing changes, then you may have to decide if you want to stay in the relationship or not.

[bettybets]

That's a massive problem. Y'all don't argue (another problem) because you've accepted how unfulfilled he makes you feel during sex.

The fact that he glazes over foreplay (which seems important to you in getting towards climax during sex) speaks to his selfishness.

It doesn't matter if that would be a deal breaker to me. Is it one to you?

You need to have a legitimately honest and real conversation with him about how that makes you feel and see if he is serious about actually listening to you and helping you enjoy sex as much as he does by reaching orgasm.

[Cmasterson]

I don't necessarily think that I'd break up with them, I'd first try and communicate about what feels good during sex, and what can help. You can try adding toys in the bedroom if you feel he isn't going to be offended.

[samhradh_leannan]

Only if it's because he doesn't care, or because he isn't willing to make the effort.

[vonasaurus]

to answer your question, it depends: if he can't make me come because he's inexperienced or the relationship is new, that's one thing (i can teach him what makes me tick). but, if he can't make me come because he's selfish (which it sounds like your guy is), i'd consider ending it.

(someone who's selfish in bed is usually selfish in other aspects as well.)

[SvetlanaSavachenko]

Personally I couldn't stay in a relationship like that. I need to have my orgasms too. I have several guys who don't get me off but it's a business transaction. When my clients don't get me off I always go to the bar and pick up some guys who will get the job done.

[Kookie00]

I think you should take a little time to learn your own body first. a lot pf times women can't get off with penetration alone, so learn yourself, then teach him. If he doesn't catch on after that then you may have to end it if you can't take it anymore... Unsatisfying sex will ultimately lead to someone leaving or cheating... so if he's a good one, work with him as much as you can...

[WillowTree]

Yes. Stop having sex with him until he wants to listen. If he doesn't listen, break it off. You're just being used.

[SovereignessofVamps]

I could not be in a relationship like that. You must really like him.

[BlondyBabe]

Depends maybe a joint effort will do the trick?

[Oxi112094]

Personally, its not a deal breaker for me because I can't even orgasm during sex and its not really my goal in the first place. All I want is the closeness and intimacy it gives.