Am I broken because I can't cum?

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone :) I am writing to the GaG community today to ask a question about orgasms. Well... my orgasms. I can't have them. Well I can, but I have to be reading erotica or watching porn by myself. With porn I can cum quite quickly, but I have to read a few stories before I begin touching myself in order to get wet. And then it takes a little longer for me to cum, but hey, I still cum. But everything changes when I'm with my boyfriend. He is my second boyfriend, but the only person i have ever done anything sexual with. I have never cum while having sex with him. (I think I did once toward the beginning, but I'm not even sure, I just got a quick wave of pleasure. It was SUPER quick though, and then my slit was sensitive). In the beginning, he really tried to make it happen with his fingers by either rubbing my clit or fingering me, and then he even tried going down on me a couple of times. But now he said he has "tried everything" and has essentially given up. This not only makes me feel like it's my problem alone, but that I can't ask him to help me. He has told me twice that I am "broken." This especially hurts because I think he is comparing me to his last ex girlfriend (which is the only girl that he slept with). Either she came easily and they had no issues, or she never even asked him to try, which again, would lead to "no issues." Either way, whatever she could or couldn't do shouldn't be my problem right? And I'm not sure that he's even comparing, but he obviously thinks cumming is easy for girls. I'm thinking this is from his previous experience, or watching all those girls in porn come after 2 seconds. Am I actually broken? Can every girl come? Is it easy? I have never tried to cum without porn or erotica, do you think if I tried masturbating without those things it could help? Please give me any advice you can, thank you!!!

[MrOracle]

Okay, first, every person as a "normal" for them. Maybe for you, "normal" means 20 minutes of foreplay and 10 minutes of intercourse before you can cum, meaning this is, on average, what it takes. Maybe some days you're just naturally more horny, and 12 minutes of foreplay and 6 minutes of sex is enough, and other days 30 minutes of foreplay and 15 minutes of sex is the best you can do - but your "normal" is 20 and 10.

Normal for one of your girlfriends might be 5 and 2, or maybe even 0 and 1, while another girlfriend might be 10 and 5, or maybe 20 and 2, or whatever. Every girl has her own "normal", and so does every guy, but whatever your "normal" is, it isn't necessarily the same as everyone eles's, and that's okay.

Currently, your "normal" is on the lengthy side - you need more time and more effort from the guy. That's not "bad", but it's something that you need to know about yourself and something you need to share early on with your partners, so they know what to expect. If your partner has a substantially different "normal" than you do, it means you both need to learn to compromise. In this case, it might mean letting him have a couple of nights of quickies (for his benefit), followed by a night of extended foreplay and sex (for your benefit). The scale doesn't have to be balanced EXACTLY, but it DOES need to be reasonably balanced.

Having said all that, in MY experience, most girls can learn to cum more easily, but it requires their guy ACTIVELY working to build trust with her (which helps her mentally and emotionally - a HUGE component of sexual function, especially for girls) plus he needs to understand her body physically and her brain emotionally.

Once trust is built, many girls just need to be stimulated properly. A guy who knows how to stimulate her clit and G-spot should have little trouble getting most girls to orgasm, BUT... some girls may learn that they need even more.

I've been with a couple of girls who didn't THINK they were kinky or into BDSM or anything "weird" like that, but who found that a guy being dominant with them could make them cum like crazy - something they had no idea about previously. One girl would cum almost instantly if her neck was held (not choked per se), and another needed to be spanked or slapped, and another needed to be verbally degraded. Once they got the "missing ingredient", BAM, the dam broke and orgasms were everywhere.

[MrOracle]

So, realize it's a journey of discovery, and you should choose partners who ACCEPT up-front that it's going to be a journey of discovery with you, and who are anxious to take that journey with you. If a guy isn't interested in taking that journey with you, then in my opinion, he isn't sexually compatible with you, and you aren't doing either of you a favor by getting with him or staying with him.

[lambda5555m]

No Sweetie, you are not sexually broken. Your boyfriend is completely wrong. Almost all women can have orgasms and many can have multiple orgasms. I am sure that you can find a better boyfriend, cause he isn't trying hard enough. I have had many women, married and single, that thought they couldn't cum hard or have multiple orgasms, but in fact they had them when the were with me. I bet there isn't much foreplay is there? He obviously doesn't kiss you very well, cause I can get almost any woman soaking wet just from kissing her and one or two have actually cum while I did. Not that every man will do this, but you need to find someone that knows how to kiss and knows how to get you wet. Then once the kiss is over, it's time for a guy to explore your body and sees what turns you on and to work hard to get you to the point where he can just touch your pussy lips and flick that little clit and you spasm with at least one if nor more orgasms. This is not just well I kissed her and it didn't do anything for her so I just came and rolled over and went to sleep. It takes a guy that really wants you to be satisfied and I hate when guys take no time with a woman to see what she likes and what turns her on. I guess maybe an older man might be able to give you orgasms? Might not be a bad idea to try as some of them are very nice, gentle and will show you what you should be wanting and expecting. Sorry he does a lousy job, but there are a few guys like me that know what they are doing and want you satisfy you, then satisfy themselves... I have perfected the kiss and I have yet to meet a woman that does not get wet then I just kiss her, but I have had a lot of practice and can and do make women have multiple orgasms... it really isn't that hard, but you have to find a guy like me that can bring out the best in you and that means orgasms... why shouldn't you enjoy it? It is not for some guy to spend two minutes on you then satisfy himself. Guys like that need to be replaced, and quickly, because you are missing out on so many orgasms that it is just not fair to you!!! Hang in there... You will find someone...

[Asker]

Well, I have never been the type of person to place sex as something so important that I would consider leaving someone (if I like them in all other areas) because we are having some trouble in the area. I love my boyfriend very much, and I don't want to lose him because of something like this. I am taking advice on how to improve the area, but leaving him is not an option for me. I am confident things will improve, I just wasn't sure how to approach it, which is why I created this question. To answer some of your questions, we don't really make-out all that much (some light kissing) and our foreplay lasts for 10 mins max. Maybe 15 mins every once in a blue moon. But this includes foreplay for both of us. Are these times normal? Thank you for your comment :) Take care!

[cpzpbx3]

Some women have a harder time. I didn't have my first orgasm until I was with my husband... Any guy I had been with before that just hadn't been able to do it. I didn't really know anything was wrong bc I didn't watch porn at the time and it hadn't ever occurred to me to masturbate (I wasn't as sexual as I am now).

But the second time I was with my now-husband (the first time was nerve-racking), I came for the first time ever and I didn't know wtf to think. All I know is that after that, I enjoyed every aspect of sex a lot more, and I was that much more in love with him lol.

So no, I don't think you're broken. But your boyfriend should be more understanding instead of just giving up and telling you something is wrong with you. I mean how would he feel if he couldn't reach climax? It can really put a damper on the sexual intimacy of a relationship.

[Asker]

True... I mean, I'm happy that he can come and that he is completely satisfied! But, yea as you said, I wish he paid more attention and would be like "what can I do? What do you want me to do?" or "let's take our time today and explore what feels good so we can learn together." I'm grateful that you let me know this information. I'm sure he would feel awful if he couldn't climax. But the difference is that I would NEVER tell him he is defective, and I would be super patient and work with him until we figure something out. I'm not sure why he doesn't do that. :( Anyway thanks, and I'm sure eventually this will all be resolved :)

[JellyBean333]

You are absolutely NOT broken. It makes me sad that your boyfriend would even say this to you!

You seem to be putting so much pressure on yourself, he's your first boyfriend that you've been sexually active with so chances are, it probably won't happen straight away. He sounds completely oblivious to the fact that all girls are different when it comes to that department and no, we can't all orgasm at the drop of a hat.

Perhaps ask for more foreplay before sex. Guide him and show him your sweet spot and how you get your pleasure. Good sex is all about communication. Maybe watch porn with him before sex to get you fired up. Maybe even invest in a small bullet vibrator!

But there's definitely nothing wrong with you

[Asker]

Wow, thank you so much. I guess I have been pressuring myself a lot. I wish I had been more experienced when I met him, otherwise this wouldn't be happening... *sigh* He is quite oblivious about that fact, but even if I try and tell him, it hasn't changed anything. He doesn't really like foreplay, as he says all he needs is penetration. Sometimes he doesn't even let me give him a BJ or anything, he just wants sex. I will try and figure out my pleasures on my own I guess. And then once I figure them out, then I will bring him into the picture and try to teach him. I will use my small bullet as well ;) Thank you so much for your help!!!

[JellyBean333]

Ohhh that's a shame.. There's so much more to sex than the actual sex part. And it's a shame he doesn't want to explore new areas and territory with you :( Interesting though you've said "as he says all he needs is penetration". He's completely by-passing what you might need. It's important that both parties enjoy sex so the fact that he doesn't really seem to listen to what you might want, makes him seem selfish. I hope it all works out regardless!

[Asker]

I agree!! And it seemed like things were improving a few months ago (he was doing EVERYTHING! Fingers, oral, clit, ANYTHING) after I explained that sex should be about exploration sometimes. But he admitted that he doesn't really like that stuff, so he stopped doing it since then. But the reason I don't want to ask him is because if I have to FORCE him to do it it's totally unsexy, and I can't enjoy while thinking that the only reason he's doing it is because I made him. I want him to just do it!!! >< I agree with you actually, it is selfish isn't it? I mean, I love him, but why doesn't he love pleasuring me any way he can? I do ANYTHING I can to make sure he is hot and ready, and if he ever asked me to try this or that to help him feel better, I would be so down!!! Hopefully he comes around soon. Thank you so much!!

[tinyclit]

If you can orgasm via masturbation then you're not broken. You actually sound totally normal to me. It takes quite a bit to get worked up to the point where it's possible to orgasm. What I do is 1) watch porn and read erotica, 2) masturbate with a vibrator, 3) when I'm good and hot and ready have my husband go down on me and lick my clit. This is the only way I can orgasm. If he wasn't so good with his tongue on my clit, I'd never be able to get there at all. He's amazing. I can't orgasm via masturbation alone. Only his tongue on my clit finally gets me there. So I'd say you're actually doing good if you can orgasm from masturbation alone! :)

[Asker]

Is your husband okay with this? I mentioned this to my boyfriend earlier in our relationship and he was quite uncomfortable with the idea that I warm myself up first. I also just want to be warmed up by him. I am a huge "together" person, so the more he's involved the happier I will be. However, if I ask him again and he wants nothing to do with it then I will steal your idea and have him finish it. I mean, I like porn, and I like erotica, so this sounds like a good backup plan! :D Thanks for your advice!!!

[tinyclit]

I have a good husband. He's in favor of anything that's good for me. He should be, because I'm also in favor of anything that's good for him. We're good for each other. :) I think it's mostly young men who are uncomfortable with the idea of anything other than their penis giving us pleasure. Definitely steal any ideas that are helpful from anywhere you can get them. :)

[nothingtosee]

I once had a girlfriend like you. She had never had an orgasm in her life! So, I suggested we do some role playing. I asked her to play the part of a sex-ed professor and I am her student. In her class she's going to teach me how to give her an orgasm. She's going to teach me how to do it several different ways:

My tongue

My fingers

My cock

With a vibrator

With a dildo

With each lesson I played the part of an eager student and she would take her time telling and showing me how to pleasure her. What made it hot was, the sex was all about her. It took a while (months) but when I finally made her cum, WOW, from then on, it was SO easy to make her cum! And, I must confess, the classes were a lot of fun!

I hope this helps! If not, call me, I would love to help you!!! LOL

[ak666]

Not broken.

I'm guessing your boyfriend hasn't been with enough girls to realize how diverse they are when it comes to arousal and climax. Every girl's body is like a mystery puzzle to me to figure out how they climax, and sometimes it goes beyond mechanics. Some girls need more TLC, some more dominant and aggressive.

Every single girl is freaking different, that's all I've learned really, and the only thing that taught is to ask and explore and experiment and not be afraid to communicate in the bedroom until I learn what she really likes. Once you learn exactly what stimulates the girl, it usually doesn't take but a few minutes or so to bring them to climax.

Sometimes it can be good to just go naked lying next to each other and try things while talking. The guy doesn't even need an erection if he's ready to dedicate some time to figuring you out.

You might also do well taking on a more dominant kind of approach to this like riding his face. Also, shaving/waxing down there can sometimes make things easier (it can not only heighten his pleasure but yours and bring you to climax faster when there's nothing but sensitive flesh to touch with no pubes in the way).

Last but not least, the pressure to climax might prevent you from relaxing and really letting it happen. You might need to make some adjustments on your part, but that should be easier if you start getting comfortable exploring and experimenting and communicating in the bedroom. It'll take off the pressure of doing things on a timer and having to get to intercourse as soon as possible.

[Asker]

Thank you for your reply. :) I felt so relieved when you said that all girls were different. I was so worried that I was doing something wrong by not liking a certain thing. Although I like the idea of not being on a clock, my boyfriend has expressed that he only like quickies. So, foreplay kind of can't happen often (every now and then we will have longer sex) and then when it does, I feel like I have to stop it so that he won't get bored. I don't want to blame him solely though. Obviously there's something I'm missing about my own body, otherwise I would be able to come without porn/erotica right? Would you recommend that I take some time to learn my own pleasures through masturbation or try and figure it out with him?

[ak666]

I suggest trying to figure it out with him, gently, and enjoying it. Masturbation and real sex are often too different in a way where you might be able to climax easily on your own but not with a guy. It's the latter part that requires a lot more mutual discovery. The guy can even keep trying after he climaxed. The guy doesn't need a hard-on and a raging desire for sex to attempt to bring a girl to climax. Your boyfriend sounds a tad selfish but maybe you can try to explain to him that you just want to figure out how to climax and then things will go a lot quicker. :-) A lot of people avoid communicating in the bedroom since they might perceive it as a mood killer, and in honesty it is a little bit, but it's not like you have to do it every time. All you have to do is do it long enough until you learn each other's bodies. Young guys always have an ego here and want to be like a sex master while doing the same thing with every girl. It takes some humility [...]

[ak666]

[...] to acknowledge that every girl is different and learn to communicate and ask and not just try to please her with guesswork and concluding you're a sex god.

[Asker]

That's a really good point. Okay, maybe I will try that tonight. When we are laying down, I'll just ask him to touch my body softly. And then maybe things will heat up from there, but I think just relaxing and maybe not looking for sex or orgasms in particular could help me relax. If he has already climaxed, I feel so so so guilty and lonely if he keeps working on me. He's not even in the mood anymore, so I can't enjoy it after that. Although I tried that before, he ended up telling me I was selfish, so I just don't want to bring it up like that again. I was maybe kinda rude when I said it :( I don't want him to feel like he isn't skillful or anything, so can you give me an example of what I could say that won't attack his "manhood" (lol) while getting my point across? Also, he is not that young. He's 26 now! I'm 21 though. You seem quite wise, so I will take any advice you give!!! Ahahaha

[ak666]

Maybe just gentle talking and reassurance. Make it a big of a healthy challenge for him, perhaps, but don't make it about his inability to do anything.

[Asker]

Okay, I'll give it a shot. :) Thanks!! You've been a big help!!!

[Xfitchick]

If you can with porn and not with a physical male, you have to look into the differences of stimulation. Once you find the way to stimulate you, you should instruct your boyfriend in a clear way. Sex is about exploration and communication, not about passivity. If you know you have to read a few stories before, then do so or ask your boyfriend to tell some why he is doing foreplay.

[Asker]

So then you would suggest exploring the issue together? Rather than me figuring it out on my own and then letting him know what I find out? I agree that it should be about communication, but I always end up feeling guilty for some reason when I tell him what to do. Especially since I know he already doesn't really want to do foreplay in the first place :(

[Xfitchick]

Then that is the real problem. You get aroused by the correct foreplay. So he has to learn. Sex is a two way problem, not a girl just lying there and a guy pumping.

[Asker]

Wow, I couldn't agree more with what you said!!! I'll let him know how I feel, and hopefully he responds well!!! Thank you so much :)

[SovereignessofVamps]

Does he rub your clit during sex or do you? by the way this is really really common for women. And your boyfriend is an ass and sounds selfish so no wonder you can't cum.

[Asker]

Phew, I was thinking that it wasn't all that common, and I was having a small mental breakdown!!! ahahaha Is it selfish? In that case aren't I also selfish? He has told me on several occasions that he pretty much only likes quickies. So, making him do anything else is selfish on my end isn't it?

[SovereignessofVamps]

how are yous elfish when he could care less?

[Asker]

I mean, technically he doesn't like long sex. So, me forcing him to do something that he doesn't want to do could be selfish. Right? I will talk with him about it, and try and figure out why he doesn't like long sex. (Although he has already said it's because he only needs penetration, but I'm hoping that there's another reason that is easier to work on...)

[SovereignessofVamps]

He could careless that you need an orgasm.

[SovereignessofVamps]

Or if it doesn't bother you then be fine with it.

[HonestWhiteGuy]

I've heard guys can have problems if they get too addicted to porn, similar to what you described. Maybe the same is true? You "trained" your body to only cum from that now you are in that pattern. I've heard the same happens when some girls use vibrators then can't cum from other methods

[Asker]

I've actually looked into this before, and I'm thinking that it may have something to do with it. But I really hope it is possible to come out of that pattern, because I just want to orgasm like a normal girl...

[scooogy]

You should try other ways for getting off together with him.

[Asker]

Well, he seems to only want the actual sex part, so suggesting foreplay options may not work. I will just have to figure it out, but I'm going to talk with him again later and see what he says. Thanks for the comment :)

[scooogy]

You should become more dominant then. Convince him to do 69 with him and then back up with your butt on his face and ride away.

[Asker]

Wow... I mean, is that okay to do? He may be angry if I just shove my vagina in his face lolol

[scooogy]

Who cares, you want some fun! Smother him in an erotic way and he'll be yours afterwards ;)

[trippazz]

I think that is a mental problem, your mind is busy with something which make you can't focus on your orgasm. I recommended to you to have a vacation :). Hope you will be good soon.

[Asker]

Wow, a vacation sounds nice!! I'm actually on summer vacation now, so I'm not that busy nowadays. But I will try and bring my mind to focus during sex, that's a good tip. Thanks!!

[Anonymous]

Not every girl can cum with their partner. It's not a sign that your broken. You can cum on your own, so there's nothing wrong with the mechanism.

How about you don't make him responsible for your orgasm? Do what ever you need to to cum, and don't worry about him.

[Asker]

True, I guess my parts aren't broken, because at least I know that I CAN do it as long as certain conditions are met. I think this is the approach I'm going to try first. If possible I want to be in charge of my own destiny!!! lol Then if I can do that, then maybe I can teach him what to do in a clearer way. Thank you so much!!!

[Opinion Owner]

You're welcome. Good luck cumming.