friends with benefits has erectile dysfunction should I continue seeing him?

[Anonymous]

Ok, so a little over a year ago I met a guy on Match. Successful, an attorney and 41. I'm ten years younger than him and apparently have a higher sex drive than he does. Last year we hooked up for 3 months than it faded away. I didn't care when I never heard from him after awhile since I'm not in love. We reconnected via Tinder about a month ago. Last year I realized he doesn't get hard but didn't know why and chalked it up to a lack of physical attraction on his end. After reconnecting it's gotten worse and I now realize h me suffers from erectile dysfunction. He does cum but hardly gets hard so penetration is almost impossible. He's been making remarks that have been hurtful but once I told him to get out of my life he apologized and said he said it out of frustration. Should I just be the one to fade away this time so I don't have to deal with this? I don't even know how I can help if we continue this situationship.

[redeyemindtricks]

If we're being totally honest here, I think YOU need to re-evaluate how YOU are thinking about this "situationship" (I like that word by the way... totes gna steal). Because... YOU don't see this guy as only a friend with benefits.

You know how I know that?
Two ways I know that.

1)
The FIRST two things you mentioned about him are... "successful" and "attorney".
If he were just a fuck buddy, you would never even have *thought* about mentioning either of these things... because they'd both be totally irrelevant.

Yep.

I mean... think about it.

Also --

2)
He can't even fuck you with his penis.
If he had the oral skills of an Olympian god, then, OK, I'd understand that (... back in the day, I had a couple of casual "situationships" with boys who did almost nothing but give me oral) -- but, you mentioned no such thing.
So...
... I conclude that he's a lousy lay, too.

**IF** he were just a friend with benefits, you'd drop it like it's hot. Girl let's be serious here... If you're hanging on to a "friend with benefits" WHO CAN'T EVEN PROVIDE BENEFITS -- and even says hurtful shit on top of all that (ARE YOU SERIOUS?) -- then... he ain't just a friend with benefits. Not in yr mind (and possibly yr heart), anyway.

__

So... the FIRST thing YOU need to do is... INTROSPECT.

How do you REALLY see this guy?

How invested are you in him? Emotionally? Practically?
What sort of hopes do you have riding on him?

Why do you insist on insisting that he's just a friend with benefits? Is that because HE is keeping YOU at a distance, and you don't want to admit that you're more invested in him than he is in you?

Girl... Think long and hard about this.

__

Also... What kind of "hurtful remarks" has he been making?

[Unit1]

About the first point... are you pointing out, that she is a gold digger?

[redeyemindtricks]

@Unit1 ... Not really. Or at least, if she's a gold digger, then she's really, really, REALLY bad at it. 😂😂 Women who are actually gold diggers (and are *good* at it) would NEVER get into a casual-sex situation with a guy who has money... for reasons that are hopefully obvious. If a stone-cold gold digger *does* want casual sex, she'll have it with guys who are hot, but DON'T have money (and will often continue to do so, even once they've snagged a rich dude for cohabitation/marriage/sugar-daddying). __ I'm just implying that... she's interested in more than just sex. If she admits that she wants an actual relationship with this guy (which is pretty obvious to me), then, "He's X years old and has Y job" becomes a perfectly normal introduction that doesn't necessarily broadcast "gold digger" at all. (If you had to describe a prospective girlfriend to yr parents, you'd probably start with those two pieces of information, too!)

[Unit1]

Ah. Well. I see now. I have yet to learn how to know for sure if a girl is in a relationship with me for my money/status/job title or for me. I'd never truly know. Love is blind.

[redeyemindtricks]

@Unit1 ... if you just CAN'T get rid of those thoughts, then, you could always just date women who make more money than you do, and/or have higher-powered job positions than you do. Problem solved. (:

[Unit1]

Oh please no! I'm not a gold digger. In fact I'd feel bad if a woman/girl would provide for me. I do feel uncomfortable "leeching" off. I don't want to owe someone something and I don't want to just take, take and take. I understand if gifts are gifts and helping out financially at times. And I also don't like talking about money. It's hard to explain but I don't want money to be a factor. I don't even want to think about it! >.< I guess I hate money.

[redeyemindtricks]

@Unit1 Hey, look, I totally feel you here. I've ALWAYS been VERY uncomfortable accepting gifts from people, or letting other people "treat" -- not only in relationships, but even when it comes to things like free stuff from clients, etc. Like, before I was married, I was uncomfortable even letting a guy pay for some stupid $5 meal at a street fair... much less anything with an actually significant cost. It was bad enough that my best friend actually had to sit me down and talk sense into my head about accepting gifts, in general. (She made me aware that GIVING gifts is the way lots of people express their love, friendship, and/or appreciation -- and that REFUSING those gifts can HURT those people! For some people, refusal to accept their gifts can make them feel the same way you'd feel if you spent a bunch of time making someone a handmade gift, only to have them shove it back in yr face!) It took her advice for me to become... more *normal* about things like client dinners and

[redeyemindtricks]

other free stuff. And I STILL couldn't live with myself if I were living off a man financially. But... since I'm like that... I also have absolutely no problem with the fact that I'm the majority earner in my marriage. (... by FAR -- my income last year was 5-6 times my husband's.) I'm just better at making money than he is -- and he's better at being the head of the household, and at being a strong and constant presence for our children at the ages when they're still boring af, than I am. We each do MORE of the things we're GOOD at. We're a TEAM. It would be stupid to begrudge each other these things. You get me... I mean, you can't feel BOTH of these ways. You can't be afraid of "gold diggers", BUT ALSO be terrified of being a "taker" or a "user". Nothing is EVER going to be perfectly 50/50... nor should it be. (Why even share a life, or a long-term rl, with someone if you're going to count fucking pennies and keep a scoreboard?) If one of these things bothers you a LOT more than

[redeyemindtricks]

the other one does... then, you're just going to have to go with the one that bothers you less, and learn to deal with it, and find someone who complements you in that way.

[Unit1]

The gifts part is a good advise, however, I have my guard up because there are people out there, who try to spoil you and practically "buy" you with these to get you doing something for their own purposes. I understood about rejecting gifts being hurtful. I think I see some sense now when a relationship requires communication. I think this will make it work. It's just, that so far I've been only able to accept gifts and presents and I wasn't ever (and i kid you not) able to make gifts to someone because A) I'm broke and unemployed (still looking) and B) I have no one to give gifts. I however keep in touch with people, who gave me gifts or people I simply like. I mean it's all I can do right now. I will keep that in mind. But I hope I won't offend anyone when i voice my concern of what I called leeching off. Because as you understood, I despise gold diggers and as such I do not want to become one for myself. It would be a big, bad mistake to do.

[redeyemindtricks]

@Unit1 I hear ya, but, all you need to do is learn to distinguish between (1) people who GIVE things as a form of love/friendship/appreciation/bonhomie, vs. (2) people who give things in an attempt to manipulate people (by creating imaginary "debts" that those people will feel compelled to pay back). If you are any good at reading people, it shouldn't be too hard to tell these apart. You SHOULD accept gifts -- and reciprocate, to the extent possible -- with people of type #1 (who will absolutely understand if you don't have the means to return exactly in kind!)... whereas you should avoid "gifts" from the type #2 people as much as possible, unless you can rest assured that you can just take their shit and not have to feel bad about it. (:

[Unit1]

Noted. Thanks for the informative talk!

[redeyemindtricks]

@Unit1 Yw.

[Girlanony]

If you two have nothing serious and you don't have feeling for him, then I think you should move on with your life. I'm not saying he can't fix that, but if you are just with him because of sex, and now you can't have sex, then why keep on going this relationship? I mean it's not like he's your couple, if that was the case, you would work that problem together and try to find a way to help him so that you both can benefit sexually from this, work towards a common goal, with patience and love... if you have no love, there is no point on staying, or at least that's what I think...
I hope you find the best way to talk things with him, or continue with your life happy as it has to be...

[MariaG24]

I have experience with this too with an older friends with benefits. He used to be able to F me hard, but soon his erection was having a problem. I always sucked him off at the end and he always came in my mouth, so he was able to orgasm. He found out from his Dr that it was his medication for blood pressure that was causing it. Anyway, we were and are good friends, so I continue to suck him off from time to time because I like him and he's a nice guy but he can't really fuck me anymore. It;s OK, I still like his cum.

[AlphaMale1]

If he is not doing anything about his inability to get hard then it is his problem. There are pills everyone knows of like Viagra. And there is this thing called a cock ring. It is designed to hold more blood in the penis and, thus, gets it hard and keeps it hard much longer. Also, women enjoy it as it also makes the cock thicker with the additional blood the cock can hold while he wears the ring.

Sex is one of the amazing pleasures in life. If he can not keep a hard cock for you and you most likely want sex why have you returned to him?

[Dargil]

Short version, let it go. You are probably not the cause but lawyers are designed to hang blame on others. Your purpose for being in a friends with benefits is not being fulfilled. In my view , friends with benefits is literally friends who have sex. You are not friends and are not having adequate sex.

[Wonderer89]

If it's only friends with benefits, but there are currently no benefits are you still friends?

[AustinMan]

If he can take one of the ED drugs and get relief.

[NJ_Casanova]

If he isn't going to the doctor for it, then it's his problem. I don't think you should stick around if he is treating you like that. I think you should stop the benefits.

[jrock49]

I suggest that you get away from him... and try not to reconnect with him. He has a problem and the older he gets the more it bothers him not to be able to perform! The more you try to help or hook up with him. the worse the situation will get. AT first it's hurtful words, then abusive actions, to eventually trying finish what he believes the problem is

[Iron_Man]

he's a diabetic he needs to lower his sugar and take Cialis

[blondfrog]

its up to you

[anonman32]

tell him to go to the doctor if he has erectile dysfunction.

[BDJohnson]

Well that is your choice you said you didn't love him. But you have a physical connection. He obviously needs to see a doctor. Maybe talk to him about it if he is comfortable if not then you move on.

[masterkamasutra]

if he is just friends with benefits, this is right time to change the dick baby.

[Anonymous]

lol its not really "with benefits" then is it

[Anonymous]

well he is practically just a meatstick for you so i dont see why you even make this question. move on. fuck his ego... .

[Anonymous]

ed can be treated with a pill
dbag cannot
ditch that guy

[Kaazsz]

haha, good point!