Sexual Relationships
+1 y

Can a man explain please why I should not be insecure if my boyfriend checks out other women?

Ok. I didn't used to be jealous. Hell I could even watch porn with my SO and it was a huge turn on to me. I didn't care for other women because I would know that my SO loves me for more than just looks and that looks aren't so important.
Now, since my latest boyfriend suddenly I am extremely jealous. It hell hurts me to think my boyfriend watches porn or checks out other women. Somehow I had a change of focus of the idea. And I feel as if all men are all perverted and even if they only look at other woman they desire her (I mean as well when in relationship) they want her, and that just does not stand logical to me for someone who supposed to love a certain person.. I mean I can see handsome men but I dont give it importance. They are just handsome, so what. The most handsome man on the planet cannot compare to my SO and to why I love him. So when guys are checking out other women when in relationship I feel like, they are looking elsewhere. They cannot settle with one. Or they simply want all the gorgeous women. So where is love here? All these really hurts me. Can someone please explain to me how it is from the guy view? What would you tell to someone you really love, why she should not feel insecure about your loyalty and desire? Unless of course there is a reason that you do desire all those women and simply cannot be loyal.
Updates:
+1 y
Update: Actually I would not be jealous on porn if that was just an aid to get off. Like if it was about getting off only. But I feel like most guys adore certain women - actresses that is what makes me insecure. Also I feel like if they practice that habit often to watch other women in porn, then they behave so in real life as well and it is really disrespectful and hurtful.
+1 y
I want to thank everyone who wrote their share here. I was working to solve this jealousy problem for long time. Not to bother my partner with asking the 'same' questions all over again I was asking online. And I don't know why, but reading your answers here suddenly opened my eyes. Maybe it was in the right time. But in anyway it was really helpful. Thank you all so much!
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Most Helpful Guys

  • Well, I've learn over years of falling in love, being in love, lusting over women, being hurt by others and unfortunately, hurting others, that love is really not cut and dry, or black and white, like they show on TV/Movies or how most perceive it to be, or, even how Religion advocates it to be.

    I think everyone is capable of true love. That is a deep love for someone, that prevents us from desiring others or that makes us more heaven and earth for that person. Marriage/close relationships usually have this. You usually (and should) have this for your children when eventually get them. But things can happen in relationships that can and will test this fact very rigorously. When you start arguing over finances/children to the point that you can't be in the same room with the other person. Or you start seeing the other person, that you swore you would love not matter what, as a different person because during the dating or honeymoon stage, they show only the best of them and the sexual chemistry has nothing to interfere with it, but then things such as fatigue from work/kids/life, stresses from work/kids/financial problems/life, pressures of wanting kids, not wanting kids, your freedoms and personal time has now become very limited because you share almost everything with another person or more than one person. Things like this will have an affect on love, especially if the love between people didn't have the proper development or time to nurture to become that strong type of love where nothing can separate it. It happens, DAILY, I would say. Even if it's not outwardly obvious or you don't see it even in your own personal relationships, things can chip away at that aura of bliss in a relationship very easily. If there is lack of similarities in wants/needs or lack of trusts, or lack of desires, than people can and will start to try and find there wants/needs other places. We all want to be happy as humans, and if we won't find it one place or our desires/wants/needs aren't fulfilled, than we will look for it elsewhere.

    So I don't believe it's fair (from the experiences I've had in my short 40 + life) to blanket love and relationships as being you love, you can't/won't love others, or you can't/won't desire others. It's just not practical or logical to think this way of human nature. What we have to understand is that as humans we will always have our own desires/wants/needs and if we don't work with one another to help each other to fulfill them...

    • continued... than our relationships, whatever they are, will suffer.

  • If I was checking out women to the extent it was being rude i. e. Ignoring my g/f and being obvious about it then I'd expect your reaction. You say you feel most guys 'adore' actresses and that makes you insecure... I couldn't agree with that at all.. if anything it's just a shallow fantasy the way guys might regard their pin up actress and there really isn't much emotion attached to it in my opinion. I do agree that if the porn and the lusting after pinups is a constant then it's totally disrespectfully and depending on how fragile your ego it could be hurtful too. . Being honest I feel that your sensitivity and insecurities in combination with his immature behaviour is really corrosive to your relationship and you need to tackle this together and support each other or part company

    • Thank you for your answer. It is actually as if you can see trough me. And it explained a lot to me. There is a line between respectful or normal looking or disrespectful behavior. Also I was really longing for explanation about 'adoring' actresses. This helped a lot.

    • Thank you , I'm glad my opinion has shone a little light and it's nice to have you reply as honestly

Most Helpful Girl

  • If you have trust with your partner then you shouldn't get jealous. Yes I sometimes mine I catch him looking at girls but it's ussually to say how much makeup they wear xD guys will be guys but his eyes will always be on you don't worry

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What Girls & Guys Said

1 13

  • He's being rude if you can catch him at it but he was looking when he found you and he'll never stop looking. It's in our genes.

    • I'd respectfully suggest a little therapy to get to the bottom of your insecurity. The quality of your life will improve dramatically once you get it sorted out.

    • You are very right. But the thing is it is hard to find an expert on the jealousy and as well a quality one. Most of them are beating around the bushes. I've tried hypnotherapy as well which was a huge scam. So I am trying to cure myself.. and luckily I can say now that I did do some progress. It came to me after posting this question. Thank you though for your good willing suggestions.

    • You don't need an expert in jealousy. You just need a good therapist to help you repair your injured self esteem.

  • You have issues. You need a weak beta male.

  • It seems you are extremely possessive, you want him to focus on you (Am I not enough?), And you feel you are good enough for him to focus upon.

    Also perhaps he is not giving enough time to you that you deserve?

    Watching porn is a bit of addiction, however unless you start losing confidence in yourself, you should not worry.

  • Because he only wants to look at them. He wants to be with you.

  • If it's something new with this particular boyfriend then you either don't trust him fully or are more emotionally invested in him.

    Anyway. Guys will look. It is an instinctive reaction to look at an attractive girl. There is a difference though between looking and really checking out.

  • Men are visually stimulated. Women are as well but for different reasons. The pleasure center is different. Looking at other women isn't a bad thing in and of itself, so it's not disrespectful or hurtful.

    Porn is a different subject - if your man is looking at porn and jerking off then he's not give you all his attention and that's a deal breaker. Vice versa.

    For many people, a beautiful human is something to look at, man or woman, either gender, but does not necessarily mean they desire them. You're confusing a lot of issues in human interaction.

  • Cause every dude does it. Also, he's human. Sorry to say but you won't ever be the hottest woman he sees and jut cause he's dating you doesn't mean he doesn't see any other woman (visually). Just like you probably still find other dudes attractive. If he's hitting on other chicks, that different

  • Because you are doing the same thing? You don't know what's going on in his mind when he checks out other women

    • That is why I asked, to learn whats going on on his mind..

    • Probably the same thing that's going on in yours. You're not insecure, you just don't trust him

  • Sorry to break it to you but IF he brazenly checks women out in front of you... he doesn't respect or value what you do for him. He wouldn't be looking elsewhere if he did. Perhaps you should ask him what he really wants...

  • I check out both men and women. Im curious. I dont mind with my girl doing the same. I think its natural.

  • I look at men women doesn't matter because I appreciate beauty and also wonder what they look like naked but I have no interest in sleeping with them or having any kind of relationship with them because those thoughts are focused on my significant other

    • It's the wanting that kills me. Glance or look, whatever. But the check out... :(

  • but if they put "ugly" people in movies, nobody would watch them, right?

  • Simple. Men don't "compare" women to other women. The reason you are insecure is because women compare themselves to other women.

    A male will admire an attractive object but it has zero bearing on how he feels for you or about your relationship.
    Here's a car analogy...
    If he was a viper guy and you were his viper, he could still admire a Porsche and it doesn't mean he wants to trade in his viper for a Porsche.

  • Love in my opinion is based on several factors. mainly and broadly we can classify it as Looks and quality. when we are lusting someone we car 98% about looks and 2% about their personality.. because what matters for lust is the looks. when we checkout a lady in the street ofcourse we want to sleep with her fir few nights but not spend the entire lives with them. but when we love someone we are concerned about the inner beauty more like 70% and the looks only about 30%.. are you the most attractive women in your mans life? no because its a comparative thing. who i will rate as the most attractive today will change tomorrow. but you will be the most important woman in his life if he loves you..

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