My boyfriend just dumped me because I changed my mind about having a threesome. Is this fair?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend is insecure at the fact knowing that I had threesomes in my single life. I drunkenly told him we could have one, but a couple of days after, I realized I didn't want to share him with anyone else.

He was furious.

He feels I was dangling the carrot, which I didn't do on purpose. I was just drunk.

He's never had one before, and wanted to experience one with me, but I'm long done with that part of my life and I'm just happy to have met someone I really care about. He wasn't having any of it.

The conversation got heated, with him telling me I was being selfish, and with me telling him he's acting like a five year old. I told him he's only thinking about his feelings, and not my own. I'm sad and confused because I thought I was doing the right thing by being honest. I accept the fact he's a little angry, but it was literally a deal breaker, and he cut ties with me completely, even blocking me on social media.

I'm not going to let him manipulate me into having one so he can feel better. Did I make a mistake in letting him know about my history?

[pnl86]

Without getting into the specifics of your situation, nobody is "entitled" or has any "right" to essentially imprison another human being next to them as their life long companion.

We all need another person's continuous voluntary consent. The moment we take our foot off the gas, we compromise the security of having their voluntary consent. A lot of people confuse "loyalty" or "begging a good person" with, "I can just take it easy now and stop trying, or not compromise, because he is mine and I have him now."

I really don't care what his reasons were, because they're are not important in the slightest. If he wanted to leave, he had every right to walk away, and that is inherently "fair." Society doesn't give you "dibs" on falsely imprisoning him just because you want him as your boyfriend. That's how that works.

Now, as far as the whole threesome thing, I don't know how I feel about that. I hear a lot of guys on here essentially being butt hurt, jealous and envious of other guys in a woman's past. Why should they have to wait 3+ months to have sex after spending 512+ hours and $3,000 on that girl, when Gabriel Del Lacroix got a blowjob on their first date, had sex with her on their second date, ravaged her ass on the 4th time they got together, had a few threesomes with her from girls she found for both of them, then they broke up, then she had some lame excuse to reach back out to him, they smoked weed together and ended up having sex again, then they never spoke again.

So, the feelings of anger, resentment, envy, jealousy, etc. are totally understandable. Thankfully, I've never been on that boat, but I can at least understand it somewhat. I can also understand how those feelings can get conflated a d bleed into different people or categories of people, in a very fluid kind of association between assholes, women, and this specific girl.

So, when you tell him that you had threesomes, and then promised to have a threesome with him, and then took that away, you basically just triggered all those memories and feelings for him, made him feel like a loser and worthless as a man, and he can no longer be with someone who makes him feel that way. So, it's his choice and right to walk away, and that's what he's doing. There's nothing unfair about that.

[truthbeknown]

Great answer!

[Jrossetti]

Can you add a tl;dr

[pnl86]

@Jrossetti Truism: you are not entitled to anything, you need the other person's voluntary consent in order to remain together. Therefore, he is free and morally within his rights (and you are not "wronged") if he elects to break up with you for any or no reason at all. Conclusion: What you did made him feel like a complete loser and inferior as a man, and he now associates and gets reminded of that feeling when he is around you. So, he seeks to escape that feeling by distancing himself from you for his own emotional well being.

[AlphaMale1]

I have been in 7 MMF threesomes. I was dating the first woman who wanted this and married to the second woman. In both cases it was their idea, not mine. In fact, at first, I was not crazy about letting some guy fuck my woman while I watched. After I realized why she wanted to do it I found it very erotic. These women did it because they wanted the erotic sexual experience. It had nothing to do with love.

I would share my woman with another man AS LONG AS IT IS HER IDEA! No hints from me. Completely hers.

Your man has no idea how different women feel about sex when compared to men. A lot of guys will gladly get into a threesome, especially if they are not emotionally attached to the woman or women. However, women see sex much different.

Stick to your guns, hun. You are making a choice that will either define you or haunt you for the rest of your life :)

[Asker]

I'm not going to change my mind. He left me, so I'm sure he'll find someone that will fulfill his needs. I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut about my past from now on.

[AlphaMale1]

Good for you! Your sexual past belongs to you alone. You are under absolutely NO OBLIGATION to tell anyone about it. People can ask. You do not have to answer. :)

[Asker]

Thank you AlphaMale1, you're one of the few that gets it. Never telling anyone about my sexual history again. Big error on my end.

[Idonthaveausername]

I'd say that if he dumped you for telling him about your history, then you did make a mistake in telling him about your history

A lot of guys prefer virgins or girls with low partner counts because they're more pure, and then a lot of other guys prefer more experienced girls because they do more things in bed and are assumed to be more adventurous. It sounds like he was hoping you fell into the latter category and maybe felt cheated when you told him that you wouldn't do certain things with him that you've done in the past. You probably bruised his ego a bit because he feels like he's not good enough for you to want to sexually satisfy him in ways he knows you've done for other guys

It's better to keep your history to yourself unless you're willing to perform certain acts again with the new person. It is like dangling a carrot in front of him because telling someone that you did something is basically saying you're open to it again. If you're not open to it again, then you shouldn't disclose that you've done it before

[Asker]

Yeah, I agree. Lesson learned. I just wanted to be open and honest with him, but that blew up in my face. I just didn't think he would care.

[Idonthaveausername]

That's good. It's fair for him to dump you because he can do that for whatever reason he wants, but acting like a five year old is a little extreme and uncalled for. You should find someone more mature than that and be more careful about the things you lead him on with

[Asker]

I didn't mean to lead him on, it was an honest drunk mistake. I'm not that kind of person to dangle the carrot, but he literally thinks I'm the worst person on the planet right now.

[Idonthaveausername]

We've all said things drunkenly that we regretted later. It happens and sometimes we have to deal with the unforseen circumstances of it. You probably weren't trying to lead him on, but unfortunately that's the way it came off. I try to tell guys I'm not interested in them, but they take it as me trying to lead them on. Guys don't view things the same way girls do (that's why we're on this site lol). If he thinks you're the worst person on the planet, then it's good you aren't with him anymore because you wouldn't want to be with someone who hates you anyway. You're always going to meet people in life who hate you and sometimes those people mean a lot to you. The best way to get over them is to positively affirmate the things you like about yourself and tell yourself that you deserve someone who can appreciate you

[Hidden_P]

No.
Everyone has a past. But that doesn't mean it wants to be repeated.

A relationship should be between the two people. Frankly if he's that upset someone else couldn't join, he has the problem.

For instance. Before my boyfriend I was raped. He knows. Supposing he asked would I be okay being raped again with him in the room and I said no, is that selfish? No. so if we elevate it to consent, the same argument applies.

Because it happened once doesn't mean it will happen again.

Your boyfriend is being a collosal twat.

[Asker]

I agree. He's being a child and I apologized for making him think it was gonna happen, but like I said, I was just drunk. I told him before hand I say stupid stuff when I drink. But he took me seriously and now he hates my guts.

[Hidden_P]

Honestly he's being a child and I would think of leaving him if I were you. Clearly the relationship is no more than sex to him.

[samhradh_leannan]

You had threesomes while you were single, which is incredibly different from doing it while you're in a relationship. Explaining that difference to him might help smooth things over.

Definitely don't let him guilt you into having a threesome. He's acting spoiled and manipulative. It's fine if he wants a threesome and it's fine if he's disappointed that you changed your mind, but the way he's taking it out on you is selfish and ridiculous. He needs to respect your feelings, and try to understand where you're coming from with this.

[Asker]

it doesn't make matter anymore, I dumped him. He doesn't listen anyway. All he cares about is what he wants.

[samhradh_leannan]

Seems that way. I'm sure you'll find someone more considerate. Good luck!

[Sara413]

What if you'd tried anal before and not liked it? Are you then obligated to do it with every future partner? Fuck no.

He needs to respect who you are NOW and what you want to do with your body now. It doesn't matter what you've done or with whom in the past.

He's acting like a fucking 4 year old.

This is just another example of why people shouldn't pry into each other's sexual histories. Beyond asking about preferences and fetishist, it's none of your partners damn business how you figured out those preferences...

[Unit1]

How is acting like a 4 year old related to wanting a 3some? I mean even a 4 year old doesn't know what sex is :o

[chris1819]

lol. crazy reply... I guess he meant level of maturity..😂

[Sara413]

@Unit1

[Sara413]

@Unit1 he's whining and throwing a tantrum because she did something years ago with someone else that he wants now and she doesn't. It's like a 4 year old getting angry because he found out his classmate got a chocolate bar last week

[Asker]

Thank you Sara, exactly what I keep telling him.

[Scrambledagain]

@sara413 How would you have approached it? You want something that is denied to you by your partner. Would you have simple said, ok, we not compatible and calmly break up?

[Sara413]

@Scrambledagain I'd respect that he doesn't want to do that particular sexual activity.

[Scrambledagain]

And that's where you would fail and where you don't get it. What happens if you really loved your guy, and you wanted children. Then he says no he doesn't want children? That's a very hard decision. Do you accept that you will never have children and be with him, or do you leave him and try find a man who will?

[Sara413]

@Scrambledagain I don't want children, but if I did then I would not get into a relationship with a man who didn't. Similar to how I've never gotten into a relationship with a man who does want children, since that's not something I want.

[Sara413]

@Scrambledagain you are really reaching here comparing a sex act with the choice to have or not have a family...

[Sara413]

@Scrambledagain a better, albeit still flawed, comparison would be if you had a kid from a previous relationship and didn't want to have more, and your partner got mad because you won't have another kid. In none of these situations are you obligated to or should you be expected to do something just because you've done it before at another point in your life.

[Scrambledagain]

@sara413 yes you can compare. And my analogy is correct. You nailed it on the head. You don't want children and to be with that person who wants one is going to be a fuck up. It's the exact same thing. Here is the reality, he desires something that is denied to him. My kid analogy is exactly the same for a person wanting kids. No different. He is going to DIE without having one of he stays with her. In his eyes she has lived a far more colourful life than he has? How do you accept that? And you women contradict yourself all the time with this. You say sex is not a big thing and men should get on with it, but by that logic, then shouldn't women be fine If she allows his man to have a threesome or even prostitutes (that's a quick little fuck) or any of that? Since it's such a small thing? The truth is, it's a massive thing. Women downplay it because it comes so so easy to you and it's a non issue. Here is the principles...

[NyomiMcClinton]

Its actually funny because I was in this SAME situation with my ex. I dont want to do a threesome, simple as that. So I told him, do not keep asking me because I said no. Respect my descision, simple as that. I dont want a threesome it will make me uncomfortable. And he may want it all the time. I made a vow to never reveal that info to another guy.

[unknownpoet]

but did lied and said you said you would do and then said you wouldn't?

[NearlyNapping]

1) Good riddance

2) He needs to stop watching porn and thinking that stuff is realistic and/or common.

3) He's the one being selfish, not you. It's not your job to satisfy all his sexual fantasies, especially all the nonsense he picks up from porn.

"Did I make a mistake in letting him know about my history? "

Yes and no. It shouldn't matter, and doesn't matter to a lot of people. But to some it matters a lot. Some guys can't handle the fact that another guy has been with you. Ideally we should be able to talk about our past, sexual or otherwise. In my opinion that should be true in any healthy relationship. So I suppose that's like saying it's not all that healthy if someone can't handle deal with it.

[AustinMan]

So sorry. Abject lesson: don't drink that much.

[Paris13]

Your biggest 'Make a Mistake' Here, dear, was even Getting Wound up with this Selfish and Self Centered Pompous Pig.
Make a new Resolution with "Out with the Old" and "In with the New" for You. You deserve Better than to be with Someone, hun, who Never really gave a Rat's Behind with Anything but Giving it to Someone else as well From... Behind.
Good luck and No turning back. xx

[Paris13]

Thanks for the Like, dear. xx

[Battooot]

It could be a fetish he has that he always wanted to try. Just like when you had your first threesome, you were so curious to try it right? for him if he had that fetish already, it would be even more curious and important for him

[CrazynKinky]

No. He should be able to respect your choice not to

[juniorsrosie]

I'm glad he's out of your life. That's insanely childish of him.

With that attitude he won't get another girl. Let alone 2

[juniorsrosie]

You didn't make a mistake if he asked you for your history

[juniorsrosie]

Just read your update. Please dump him even if he doesn't change his mind. He sounds like a child

[juniorsrosie]

Glad to see the update! I'm sorry you went through that pain. What'd he say when you broke up?

[MadeInAmerica]

It's a decision that many people live or die with when it comes to sharing sexual past experiences. I think him leaving you though is a blessing for you in the long run. Sometimes men get caught up in the fact a man did something with you they never did so they want to even the score so to speak. But both my wife and I have things we feel are "passed" that we don't really want to do again and you have to have that talk. Sometimes it's a deal breaker and other times it isn't.

[MadeInAmerica]

Good riddance to him.

[jemjem2017]

sorry for my word but he is a asshole. well find another one girl

[Asker]

I told him, to knock himself out. If that's more important to him than us, then clearly he isn't who I thought he was.

[jemjem2017]

oh yeah because if his intention is pure friendship he is nothing about that i had a guy friend for almost 12 years but he never disrespect me, or ask me if i want to have sex with him. because he value the friendship and we are like brother and sister that's it no malice at all

[BuchitaBuchys]

Good riddance.

[BuchitaBuchys]

Thumbs up to your update

[livils33]

he's an asshole and you deserve better. You should be with someone who doesn't need to fuck another girl to make himself feel better

[englisc]

You probably shouldn't have mentioned it if you weren't willing to do the same with him. To understand why he's acting the way he's acting you have to understand the way many men view sex.

Basically, most men want from a woman what other men can't have. It's the reason many of them don't want a woman who is too "easy" who sleeps with a lot of men, and instead want a girl who has been with few men if any.

Also, many women will act differently with different men. With a guy they're much more sexually attracted to they'll do more "filthy"/kinky stuff with him.

So when you say you've done these things with another man but not with him, it makes him wonder what this other guy has that he doesn't, and in a way makes him feel a little sexually inadequate or as "less of a man" than the other guy.

Whether you believe any of that or not or view it as childish, that's how it makes the guy feel and that's probably why he's so pissed off about it. Just don't tell the next guy.

[usbiv223]

Well, this is a bit of a doozy.

(1) yes, it is "fair" for him to feel upset and disappointed because he was whipsawed. The fact that you didn't intend do effects the severity of the action, but he was in fact whipsawed, which is no damn fun.

(2) What he does about feeling upset and disappointed is another matter entirely. Working through these feelings is no damn fun, and he is certainly entitled to a degree of understanding, but that isn't a license to be a dickhead. Basically, being a dickhead doesn't really help the situation; if he can't put up with the disappointment without a threesome, and you can't put up with participating in a threesome with him because you are unwilling (which is fine), then you two are at an impasse. Hopefully, you two can work through it one way or another. Maybe he can accept his disappointment - not be happy about it, but something he can live with. Maybe he can't. I don't know, I haven't met the guy.

(3) Was it a mistake to be honest? This is a thorny, thorny question. Is it okay for a person in a committed relationship to have secrets from her boyfriend/husband? Vice versa? As a matter of reality, there are some things that are not going to be shared, due to self preservation, irrelevance, or any number of reasons in between.

That said, just because something causes conflict doesn't mean it was "wrong" because "wrong" has too many potential meanings. I would be inclined to refine the question as follows: morally, your disclosure of your past was appropriate only if your intentions were good and your relationship is the type where disclosure is appropriate. Practically, with the benefit of hindsight, if the disclosure ends up scuttling the relationship then it was not a helpful disclosure (if we assume the goal was a permanent relationship). From an intimacy perspective, the disclosure may well have been good EVEN IF it results in a breakup because it demonstrates that the two of you just weren't compatible in terms of accepting one another.

I hope this helps.

[OlderAndWiser]

1. Why did you need to tell him about it?

2. When people are drunk, they lower their inhibitions and say and do things that are already inside of them but that they have been suppressing. Are you sure that you don't want to have another threesome?

3. It sounds like you two have different goals. You are ready to settle down and he is not. Maybe it is best that you discover this now.

[OlderAndWiser]

In response to update: ask him whether the threesome is more important than having your trust and respect. That should put it in perspective.

[OlderAndWiser]

Response to second update: He is not as important as your self-respect. Don't look back.

[Drooogie4]

Guys get literally insane if you've had more sexual experience.
Its not wrong to not want to share him.

[Asker]

Maybe but I don't want to do that with him.

[Drooogie4]

Thats what im saying. You aren't obligated to have a 3 way him.

[tattooedhandfet]

Not at all. He sounds like a cunt, period. Don't let someone pressure you into doing something sexually for them, ever! He's entitled to nothing. You don't owe him shit.

[madhatters4]

no you didn't make a mistake in telling him your history.

i think his reasoning for ending the relationship is irrational. would he have stayed in the relationship if you had never had a threesome and didn't want to have one with him? i imagine yes. so breaking up with someone for the reason he did is silly but it's his decision. frankly i wouldn't want to be with someone who is so single minded, so in that regard you may be lucky to have gotten out of that relationship

[RasmusAiken]

You were being open and honest with him about your history. I've done many things in life that I don't need or care to repeat. You have every right to leave your past in the past. If he can't respect that then dump him. He lacks maturity but you were being unkind to 5 year olds. . . . yeah. Responding with his "adult tantrum" he reacted more like a two year old.

[SarahsSummer]

The only mistake I can see is getting into a relationship with a 5 year old. You can do better. While he's throwing his temper tantrum, think about if you really want to share your life with this guy. I wouldn't.

[Scrambledagain]

Out of curiosity. How do you think he should of dealt with it in a manly manner? The best way I can think of, is if he said ok and then in a calm manner tell her that he would want one before he kicks the bucket, and if she doesn't want one, they should split so he can find a girl who will give this to him? Just curious how you women would approach this.

[SarahsSummer]

@Scrambledagain he should accept her disinterest in having one and carry on. How any man would WANT one after his partner expresses dissinterest is beyond me. As if the relationship itself means nothing unless he can bring someone else into the bed. My guy comments about it and sometimes we discuss the logistics and have a little fun thinking about the positions etc we've even watched threesome porn together but he respects and appreciates our relationship to accept if I don't want to we won't. No need to pout, throw a temper tantrum or break up. That's just such a pathetically immature response i'd question what I saw in him in the first place.

[Scrambledagain]

The response by him is wrong I agree. But he has every right to leave her. Do you people not see the contradiction in your thinking? You say he has to accept and move on because it's a small thing in the relationship. Yet if it's such a small thing, why not do it and get it off their shoulders? It's small where you want to play it small.

[SarahsSummer]

@Scrambledagain yes. Of course he has the right to leave. Both people are free to decide what's best for them. He clearly thinks the relationship is only worth it if he can have sex with others and she she thinks the relationship is worth it by being monogamous. I recommended she leave. It's your words that say it's a "small thing" Not mine. you live your life, I'll live mine and they can live theirs how they best see fit.

[Asker]

@Scrambledagain because it's not the same doing it when you're single vs when you're doing it when you're in a relationship. And I've had more sex than him, and he's very sensitive. He doesn't understand the how complex these situations can become.

[Scrambledagain]

@asker I know it's not the same. I broke up with my girl for THIS EXACT reason. But it's still a massive issue for him. You want to be a wonderful human being? (Here comes my polyamorous side): give him this ultimatum: 1) he lets it go and you live together happily ever after (which won't happen, it's too late), 2) you break up but give him advice on how to get him get a threesome. I seriously advocate sex workers for this sole fuckin reason. You could just pay for two strangers to do him. 1 hour out of your life so he can experience something that you did.

[Asker]

@Scrambledagain It doesn't matter, we're broken up, and I'm better for it. If that's what he wants, he can go find a girl that will provide that for him. I'm not going to get manipulated and bullied into giving him what he wants.

[SarahsSummer]

You go girl! I wouldn't deal w/it either💟

[Scrambledagain]

That's good opinion owner. It is for the best for both of you. I just hope that guy gets it. It's so difficult for a guy to dictate his sex life. The underlying issue here. At least you both have learnt something. He has unfinished business he needs to resolve, and you need to find a somebody who is sexually compatible with you (vanilla dude)

[SarahsSummer]

@Scrambledagain a man who values being in a sexual relationship with only one woman doesn't neccesarily make him a "vanilla dude". It means he has priorities in order.

[Scrambledagain]

No @sarahssummer it makes what YOU would define as YOUR priorities. There are a billion priority paths for a person. But you are right, vanilla is a subjective term. But OP is definitely not looking for a rock n roll sex life as it looks like she had that and is done with it. She needs to find a guy who has done the same and would be as limiting as her, and content with it.

[SarahsSummer]

@Scrambledagain whatever dude. You're just getting your heels dug in on your perceived appropriateness of threesomes.

[Scrambledagain]

you can "whatever" your problems and opinions as much as you like. FACT (that which is above opinions) is threesomes are not wrong or right, it just is. You percieve it one way, me another and asker another way. I'm just seeing it from a guys point of view and not being able to get these things if he so chose.

[SarahsSummer]

@Scrambledagain I established no opinion of threesomes as good or bad. I just attempted to aid the asker in her relationship quandary. you on the other hand only wanted to voice your belief in the appropriateness of threesomes regardless of the situation. I contended the threesome is only appropriate in a relationship when both parties agree it is.

[Scrambledagain]

No you established what you percieve me to see in threesomes and therefore implying your stance on threesomes. Eventhough I came to the same conclusion as you and asker. The only difference is, i fully feel this guys problem and you women down play it (predicted) . But it's done now. Another couple in the shitter and he still has had to get this threesome which I highly doubt will come. He would have died without having the choice that so easily came to asker.

[Lucifer2212]

let him go