Sexual Relationships
+1 y

Found out my boyfriend had sex with his sister , please help me , I am torn?

I've been dating my boyfriend for a year , a good way to describe his personality is soft hearted , sensitive , sweet and "a lover not a fighter" type of guy... he's extremely handsome and has the body of a quarter back weighs 230 pounds and pure testosterone... so his looks don't match his personality. I'm so inlove with him. The other day he confessed something to me that I don't know how to absorb. He started taking about the reason his family divided. To get straight to the point he said when he was twelve years old he raped his sister.. he starting breaking out in tears and crying intensely. He says he regrets it and it hurts him deeply, he says he thought that was the way to show love at that time. They shared a room when it happened. He is now 25 and has gone to counciling And reconciled with his sister and family. I know he is a good person , with a heart of gold.. he has never tried to force me into sex he is not a sexual deviant , he waited until I was ready to have sex never once pressured me or anything. I'm feeling so horrible about this , I know this is completely frowned upon , shunned and never talked about , but from your standpoint.. with the info I have provided what is your take?
Updates:
+1 y
Hi everyone I appreciate your responses , I have talked more in depth with significant other and because the subject was so touchy I was afraid to ask for details... I am relieved to say there was no penetration involved
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Most Helpful Girls

  • First... consider that he must think highly of you to have even told you this. Most men don't disclose stuff like that to people, especially women. So take the gesture of trust for what it is... he's telling you a LOT more than what he did back then. He's giving you his trust and revealing a really awful, ugly event in his life. It sounds like he's really serious about you and wishes to build a future... but before that can happen he wanted to make sure you know what happened and see how you respond.

    Next, he was 12... a child. That's a tricky age where the basics of right and wrong are there, but not fully understood. He has put it behind him, completed treatment and he and his sister have reconciled. I'd say it's probably nothing to worry about... for the most part. But be attentive, just in case.

    Now... let me share this. My husband, prior to our getting married, told me that this older brother molested him when they were younger. It was when they were young and they came from a family that didn't talk about sex. They found some illicit, gay sex magazines and videos in a box in an alley and decided to try what they saw. They had no idea what they were really doing at the time. It happened a few times before they decided what they were doing was wrong. It was still traumatizing for them both, though. They had a rough time of it for about 20 years after that, hated each other, even had horrible fights. Eventually they reconciled and became good friends again. However, when he told me, I was really leery. We agreed that our children would never be alone with their uncle. We also agreed that we would be open and honest about sex with our kids and made sure they understood what was an wasn't appropriate. His older brother never dated or married and had some real emotional problems his whole life, and I believe what happened to them as children played a role in that. My husband was younger and he sought out help that his brother did not. He learned that, in his case, it wasn't rape... but a mutually curious event of their developmental years, even if still inappropriate. In the end, they were able to get it and become close again -- but I can tell you that when he confided this in me, it was a turning point in our relationship because I realized he trusted and loved me enough to confide such a thing, that I meant a great deal to him. THAT I think is the bigger issue going on here... he's likely telling you something similar.

  • He was 12 still a kid he did know right from wrong but sounds like he made a bad decision/mistake but also sounds like he has changed for better and if he's really reconciled, did counseling, and is really sincere then I would take in account that he trusted u enough to tell u this personally I would ask more questions bout it cuz u have right but sounds like he is planning a future and if u have know him for who is now the grown man him I'd stay by his side but ask if y'all could go to counseling about it or talk bout it to one another. I'd leave if I saw sign he wasn't sincere or wasn't really man I thought he was.

  • I'm sorry but you have to consider your future with whoever you're with. If you want to have children, would you want your children around someone with a past like that? Some people are able to look past it, and from the sounds of it, you've already looked past it. I personally would not be able to deal with it, and I would leave him immediately as harsh as it sounds

    • I have thought about that , and honestly I could never see him doing that , I've gotten to know his personality and who he is so well. He is an emotional guy who cares about people so much. He's the type who would give the shirt off his back for somebody. It's a taboo forbidden subject , he didn't have to tell me. And the way he cried about it I could see the pain and regret in his eyes. And it also happened when he was very young. But I am still deeply disturbed about it. I have a lot to think about.

  • Well that's pretty rough, but he admitted it to you which took a lot of strength and courage. He obviously sounds like he regrets it. People make mistakes. Especially at such a young age.

Most Helpful Guys

  • Of course it was a terrible thing to have happened. However he is 25 now, he has gone to counseling and has reconciled with that sister and the family. You've known him and been his girlfriend for a year. As you describe, he hasn't been sexually aggressive towards you. I know others on here might want to hold his past against him, but I think it is in his past and he shows remorse from what you describe. (I am the FIRST to say someone is an ASSHOLE if I think they are, by the way.) But unless he has a good way of covering things up, it sounds like it was a horrible phase he went through at the age of 12 and he deeply regrets it.

    IF he was 22 when he did it, I'd say run like the wind. If he treated you poorly, I'd way run like the wind. From the way you describe him, he sounds like a decent person. After all, he waited until you were ready before you had sex and didn't pressure you. Heck, I've known WOMEN who weren't that nice... LOL... If you are considering a serious future, you might go to counseling with him for some clarification of the issues? Just a thought.

  • I'm not sure asking the internet for advice on that is a good idea. Way to many hysterical people.

    Maybe you could got for a solo session with a counselor, or maybe his counselor with him or solo or both? It would proabably be a good idea to get a professional opinion on that.

    • True true

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What Girls & Guys Said

6 10

  • cheater will always be cheater and he had sex with your sister i can't trust him anymore sorry girl but you need to dump him

    • I don't think you read that properly. He didn't cheat or have sex with her sister. He confided in her that over a decade prior, he had raped his OWN sister when they were children. He has since been to counseling and he and his sister and been able to reconcile and are on good terms. The asker is wondering if she should be concerned about him given his confession to her.

  • How old was she?

  • Uhhh... Ummmm. You know what. that is one hell of a "one time mistake".

    Honestly, I think he REALLY screwed up when he was a kid. Maybe he went through a major horny phase and it got out of control. Who knows.

    I think you would be a very excellent person to forgive him for this one time screw up but most people wouldn't be able to do it.
    Based on how you are talking about him it appears to be a major problem in the past but not essentially an issue with his personality today.

    • I really appreciated your ability to empathize with his situation and try to view it from his stand point which I did as well , I know he would not be capable of something like that now. I am going to accept what happened only because I know who he is now

    • I believe that almost everyone has made huge mistakes here and there. Sometimes you just cannot reverse what you did in the past no matter how much you want to. I was stuck in a violent maximum security prison for 8yrs. A lot of people who know that do not associate with me. I told my wife (ex) shortly after we started dating and she spent a year secretly trying to figure out if I'm a trustworthy person. It was tough for her knowing that her family would have to know. They did judge me but eventually they found out I'm me... and prison is just where I was, not who I am.

  • This is a tough one.

    12 year olds are basically children. I'm not sure how much we should vilify them for their behaviors.

    Side question: was your boyfriend raped/molested as a child? I wonder if this behavior wasn't learned?

    On the other hand, rape is about as unforgivable as it gets. I'm not sure I could look past that.

    The best advice I can give is to go see a relationship counselor together. And also, regardless of what anyone else says, follow your gut. Only *you* know what is right for you.

  • 12 year olds cannot be held responsible for their actions the way adults can.

    I did some pretty stupid things when I was 12 that I would never do now (having sex with my sister is not one of them).

    You have to judge him as he has attained morality, which starts around 15.

  • once a rapist, always a rapist...

  • This is quite a delicate situation, and even gross for guys
    "Like of all the girls u knew, u chose ur sister like wtf bro" in my opinion, this would be the reaction most guys would go for
    Since 12 year is the age when the TRUE testosterone kicks in, the guys mind goes wild TBH, but it surely differs from person to person. For the first time they view girls as girls and not friends, cousins or maybe rarely in very few cases sisters also. I know, happened to me too, i suddenly felt attraction to my bestie/childhood friend but it was not intense, but surely noticeble, i noticed her figure and how well built she was when i was 15, and this strange feeling started to take over but i controlled it.
    Since he was 12, i can't really blame him, his testosterone kicked in while his brain still wasn't mature much. Counciling is THE best option when considering such cases, cause generally guys can control their emotions and feelings towards girls, but odds are always there...
    i just hope it does not mentally breaks him, cause guys are always affected by social pressure, more than girls even though it might not look like that...

  • I don't know if I could stay with someone if they told me they raped their sibling but that's just me.

  • be careful, he seems nice though

  • He trusts you a lot and told you one of his deepest secrets

  • wtf! break up with him

  • thats sick
    how old was she?

  • If he's genuine with his confession and actually went through all that then u have no reason to leave him. He's sinply being hinest and sounds like he sees you as a life long partner.

  • He was still a child. If his sister would have raped him it would not be looked at as rape but as innocent experimentation. People always say that below the age of consent one cannot consent to sex so how was it rape? They were still children. Of course it is tragic, i am not denying that but he was 12. Can we really take an adult accountable for what he did as a child?

    He must love you a lot to talk about something so stigmatized and taboo. He must really trust you and since he cried he showed remorse, he is not a monster.

  • Stay with him if you two are happy together. He must really trust you in order to tell you something like that. Just don't tell other people about that.

    • I really do feel that way , i know he's not capable of something like that now.. but I will learn to accept that he did something horrible when he was younger

  • Nahh I couldnt do it. I'd leave him. Just think about what he could one day do to his daughter with you

    • He was an innocent 12 year old

    • @Joshuafirestar innocent my ass. I think you mean he was an incestual 12 year old

    • I'd say trust him. He probably isn't gonna tell you this at all if he trusts you and wants you to accept him

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