Why does my boyfriend fantisize about his exes?

[Gina1094]

His exes are I'd say a 5-6 out of 10. I get told I look like Sophia vergara about once a week. I'm his hottest girlfriend. Also, I showed him more love than all of his exes combined. I was so in love w/ him & his exes either cheated on him or didn't appreciate him at all. When he wanted sex I never said no. He told me that he thinks he bothers me sometimes bc his exes always told him he's annoying for being so horny a lot but I actually enjoyed him being horny so often. I dressed up for him all the time & always made sure I was clean & in something sexy for him before I get into bed just in case he wanted it. He's very insecure and I'd reassure him all the time. Sometimes after sex he would say sorry & I would go on and on about how much I loved it & how he's the best I ever had. Anyway, I eventually find out he watched porn every day since we been together & that he's fantasized about all of his exes about 15x or so even while I was pregnant. I asked him if there were specific things he'd fantasize about & he told me that 1 of his exes would squirt every time they had sex & the other ones would deep throat. I don't know how to do either but I'm a huge freak & pretty much down to try whatever he wanted. My fav thing is to please my man. I gave all I possibly could to this guy. I just don't understand it. I've asked other guys about this & they say maybe his exes were good to him but he used to tell me all the time how they always made him feel like he bothered them & how they never appreciated him or they cheated on him. We were together all the time besides when I had school or work. I don't even know how he was able to masterbate as often as he did. Sometimes 4 times a day. He would watch a lot of porn w/ white girls w/ his sisters body type so I asked if he's ever fantasized about her & he told me yes, to both his sisters when he was about 15 or 16.
Are all guys like this? It's been months since I found all this out. I don't know what to do or how to feel.

[XRabbitHeartX]

His excessive porn watching while being in a supposedly solid sexual relationship with you, where you go above and beyond to make him happy, is bothersome. I don't think it should be normal for a guy who is getting lots of sex to still feel the need to watch porn all the time especially if it's creating completely false expectations. It's perfectly OK to not squirt or do things that chicks in porn do. Him being obsessed over it shows me he has a serious porn problem and it has now wired his brain to be unable to just be sexually satisfied with you. I don't think there's much you can do other than try to support him to QUIT porn because right now he's harming you and your relationship and placing porn above you and working on your sexual relationship.

[XRabbitHeartX]

Also it's not normal to still think about sexual things with ex's. This is not normal behavior nor should be.

[Gina1094]

He admitted to me that he's addicted to porn. He's been to a few counseling sessions and I've read up on why men becoming so addicted to porn and I try to understand but I can't understand the ex part :( it just sucks. I feel like almost all guys are like this now. Sometimes I want to leave but it's like the chances of me finding a guy who isn't addicted to porn nowadays is slime to none.

[XRabbitHeartX]

My boyfriend doesn't watch porn. When we got serious he completely stopped and never watched it again in 10 months now. It's possible. It's just bullshit to believe it's a guy thing and that it should be OK. It's certainly not OK nor is being attracted to ex's. Society has brainwashed people into thinking it's normal to fantasize and get yourself off to other people doing very intimate things while being in a commited relationship. You shouldn't have the desire to watch other girls when you are in a sexual relationship where your partner loves you and tries to be sexy.

[XRabbitHeartX]

There may be exceptions such as distance or watching together but if you are constantly needing to get yourself off on other women and also then expect your partner to act like a pornstar outside porn then it's a HUGE problem and a big red flag.

[Gina1094]

Thank God there are people with a brain still. I feel like I'm surrounded by so many brainwashed people. Everyone finds it easier to "accept" things and get over it because they don't want to be that naggy girlfriend and because society tells her that she's overreacting and men have needs... yk the excuses that men with with commitment issues and porn addictions lack. It's just so gross how normalized it is nowadays. It tears up relationships even when the girl acts like she's okay with it. They wonder why their sex life isn't as good and why he's not as good in bed or very aggressive or doesn't cum there's just so many problems that it can bring into a relationship that people don't realize. Nice to see that someone is aware of this issue.

[XRabbitHeartX]

You said a few very very significant things right there. "even when the girl acts like she's okay with it. They wonder why their sex life isn't as good and why he's not as good in bed " This part really struck me because it's so true. You know, I only recently found about my boyfriend's porn watching habits at the start and it also hurt me a lot actually. Even though he was clean for months now, it still sucks to know that when we just started being intimate he wanted to watch other women. I've also same as you, always made a really really big effort in being sexy and doing things for him and making sure he knows I'm always available for sexy time :/ But yeah when I was hurt I googled it and just ended up seeing many women say people should get over it and that their boyfriends can watch porn but you know, I actually think THOSE women are the insecure ones. They are the ones who just allow their boyfriends to blatantly make it obvious that they want other women sexually

[XRabbitHeartX]

and then pretend that they are totally 100% fine knowing their boyfriend is lusting after other women who have totally different bodies and who do totally different things. I don't see how this could not bother any woman who takes pride in her sexual life, her body and cherishes her special moments with her man. Maybe to those women sex have become plain and not special or siginifcant but to some of us (me and you) we actually give a damn about sex and how our boyfriends see us and want us. I think we are a special breed. My psychologist actually told me that 90% of people are not self aware and don't really know what they want or can be honest with themselves. At least we know exactly what we want and how it makes us feel and can be honest and open about our emotions. It doesn't make us insecure. It makes us self aware, strong and also means a great reward because we can understand ourselves and our partners on a deeper level.

[Gina1094]

You are truly an amazing person. I haven't talked to an intelligent being like you in a while and it's refreshing lol I mentioned in my question that he's very insecure and after sex he would apologize for not being good enough or big enough or for finishing too fast or not finishing at all and getting soft or for me not finishing and I truly believe that it's because of the porn. It was becoming everyday that I'd have the talk with him about how he's perfect for me and I love everything about him and his size is perfect and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world but porn lies. Just like with woman they exaggerate men's bodies as well and make them appear larger with their angles and lighting and they're all on the pill to last forever and they always make the girl finish or squirt which is most of the time faked and the girl always makes it seem like they absolutely are enjoying it and it gives men this unreal expectation of how sex is supposed to be. He never took the time

[Gina1094]

To truly understand my body and what I like he was always so worried about making me finish and him finishing. It took away the passion of love making. People can act like it doesn't bother them or there isn't a problem all they want but what they're really doing is just leaving the door open for relationship problems to freely come in. And I need a therapist like yours mine was like oh well it'll be worse if he actually cheated on you and I disagree. I think I would've handled it better he he cheated on me once rather than consistently watched porn every single day knowing that it would bother me but just doesn't consider my feelings and does it anyways day in and day out. She told me to go home and think about it and I did and I realized that people like us really are few and far

[XRabbitHeartX]

Thank you :) I feel the same about you :) Porn is what is causing the problems here. Porn puts so much pressure on both genders to perform in ways. I sometimes feel like a disappointment because I know my boyfriend has seen porn and saw how women supposedly cum SO easy from sex alone when in reality, it's not like that :( I can't do it.. like no matter how hard I try. And it's the same with other things in sex. We can't be pornstarts. We can't be like those girls and then it sucks when guys just pick porn over us. It makes you feel like you are not good enough to even enjoy the one beautiful thing in life which is sex. Wow shit your therapist sounds absolutely TERRIBLE. God please get a new one. Mine heard me out and not once judged me for the way I felt or made me seem crazy or unrealistic. She was very respectful and listened to me. I also now have hang ups over sex and I'm honestly tired of trying when I know I'm probably not good enough in my boyfriend's eyes like those other women

[writing_essays]

A guy who cheats on you, commits incest, and treats you poorly and you think you are being a good person by agreeing to satisfy him sexually? That doesn't make you a good person - it makes you too easy for him - so easy he doesn't respect you and gets bored.

[SarahsSummer]

He sounds like the most honest guy on the planet and attempting to communicate with you. Are you together? is he comparing you to other women or telling you're not pretty? Does he choose porn or masturbation over sex with you?

[Gina1094]

It took months of lies to get him to admit everything. He didn't come out all honest it took lots of cross questioning and intimidation tactics lol I've also recorded convos so that if he lies in a future convo I can bring it up to get him to stop the lies. Till this day I don't know what else he didn't mention. There's more that I also didn't mention in this post but it wouldn't fit. And as far as comparing me, I mean I deff think so. They way he'd look at the pics I'd send him and that may or may not even be just enough to get him hard so he can go on porn or think of his ugly cheating druggy exes. And he doesn't watch porn anymore he's getting help for it. But it still hurts... we still live together and kinda still act like a couple but my feelings for him are deff not the same at all. I really want to leave but it's hard now with the baby.

[cherryxox]

Why are you putting yourself through this? Is this really the future you had planned for yourself and your baby? Just think about that for a moment. I'd dump him.

[AlienIshboo]

Hmmm... It's possible he's a sex addict with some really odd fetishes...

It's also possible that he never got closure with his previous relationships (they either cheated on him or were mean to him, after all). It could be that his fantasizing could be as a way of trying to find closure, but never getting it...

Either way it's moved into unhealthy obsession. He should seek help.

[Gina1094]

I was thinking maybe because they weren't as attractive he felt more comfortable with them and a little more intimidated with me? I could be completely off but you're a guy and do you think maybe that could be? Or is this not normal behavior for a guy? But it still wouldn't make sense since they always made him feel annoying and I never gave him a reason to feel that way.

[AlienIshboo]

There comes a certain point where you have to let it go... or at least TRY to work through it. He's not trying... he just keeps copping out with the victim card all the time. Excuses and weird obsessions... not just for his exes, but his own sisters. I don't think he's unfixable, mind you, but I think in his current state it's very concerning...

[Amul12]

He seems to be completely sex addict, It feels good to know that you have been trying your best to please him all the way. I see single sided love here, You are loving him but not being loved in return, May be when he will find new he will dump you and move on, Beware!

[Elarra]

Sounds like a creepy sex addict.

[Finesse9898]

I'm sorry I just read the title and freaked tf out.. he needs to get slapped and dumb

[Maosource]

It is very very uncommon for a man to fantasize about their sisters imho. I might be wrong. Look, nothing is wrong with you. fantasies are just that, fantasies. He's with you and not them! Chin up girl :)

[WaterRat]

You're giving this creep too much attention. Any other good guy would treat you like their queen. I'm sorry you have a child with him. Get child support from him and run.

[Gina1094]

Everyone is making me out to be a bad mom for wanting to leave him like they keep telling me to work it out like if porn isn't a big deal but they don't understand everything. Like I can't tell his sister everything I said here and even then I told her most of it and she says that's just how guys are... like I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone sometimes.

[WaterRat]

Porn is fine (it's not real), sisters thing is creepy as hell. Does he still want to be with you though? It sounds like he is too stuck in the past or enjoys the chase/wants the unattainable. All that matters is how you both feel towards each other. Has he brought up marrying you? You haven't mentioned anything good about him so it sounds like he don't got nothing special.

[Dargil]

Because he's a loser.

[SirRexington]

That's a problem you need to fix hon. He should fantasize about you and only you. And if he isn't its not your fault its his cause if he can't fantasize about you the why date you in the first place?

[Intraluminal]

Where did you find this gem? Most guys are not like that.

[Gina1094]

Ugh it sucks. And everyone makes it seem like I'm wrong for asking him questions about this stuff and I should stay because I have his baby. Like it's just so unfair...

[candi12]

Sorry to hear... sounds like you've tried your best to please but not good enough for him?

[pooper89]

This is how relationships work. You treat someone really well and give them your all and they leave you for someone who doesn't give a shit about them

[Evegon1994]

leave him

[HonestWhiteGuy]

He could be a porn addict, I think you should talk to him him about that and explain your feelings and try and get him to stop watching porn and masturbating for a while and be with you instead only.

[Lilmaninthewoods]

Sounds to me like you built him up and you give him everything he wanted and in return turned around stabbed you in the back. I would say cut him off.

[scooogy]

I guess you need to give him more stuff to fantasize about with you then

[Anonymous]

Ummmm. . . yeah. I can't say I understand this dude at ALL! If I had a Sofia Vergara look-a-like girl at home, my dick would literally jump up and smack the crap out of me if I even THOUGHT about anyone else! :P

[Anonymous]

Time to move on, he isn't interested in you

[Anonymous]

I found the fact that he fantasized about his sister a bit weird... Is that stuff normal? Jeez

[Gina1094]

I know when he told me that I felt very uncomfortable and grossed out but I wanted him to feel comfortable talking to me so he doesn't have to hide anything from me anymore. It's not normal at all. A brother should be protecting his sister from guys who do that not do it yourself. But he says he was like 15 when he did that. Don't know if it's thr truth or not though.

[Opinion Owner]

You are a very good girlfriend to be with someone with such a disturbed mind...

[Gina1094]

Thank you so much❤ I'm like desperate for advice. I have a baby with this guy now. Don't know if I should like be patient and see if he gets better or leave. I haven't been happy in a while now. I used to be so in love and now I just have so many questions everyday that I can't seem to find the answers to😢

[Opinion Owner]

I've been there! I was so in love with my ex and in a moment he was always making me feel bad or making me feel like I wasn't enough. He watched a lot of porn of women who are exactly the opposite of me and always said how attractive they were.

[Gina1094]

Yeah same here. He watched porn of girls who are like his sister, white, small boobs, big butt, blonde hair. I'm Spanish and Italian, big boobs, and dark brown hair.

[Gina1094]

Men just suck. The sad part is, there are guys whos type is exactly what you are or guys whos type is exactly what I am and we got stuck with the guys who prefer other anything that's not us basically.

[Opinion Owner]

You are a pretty woman, I'm sure you can find a better man for you.

[Opinion Owner]

That's true. I'm white, my ex's type was "latinas". He dated Spanish women before me and always talked about how attractive latinas are...

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he prefers his exes over you. It doesn't matter how good you look it's how good they look to him.