How do I talk to my boyfriend about his questionable instagram account?

[RoseGold425]

My boyfriends instagram account is full of scantily clad cosplay models and girls showing their boobs and butts (with the exception of very light censorship). He follows about 60 of them and only follows 10 normal friends and me.. He had his instagram before me and through snooping (please don't judge me) I saw all of these women he followed. So I decided to make an instagram account and as soon as he found out he deleted every sexual account (I guess assuming I didn't know and wanted to spare my feelings) but ever since then he's been refollowing everyone and I haven't said anything because I don't know how to... I know I must come off as insecure and I know many women are okay with this in some relationships but it honestly makes me uncomfortable and it hurts. I would really appreciate the input and advice from other women and men in the same situation or any advice anyone is willing to give me. I don't want to come off as psycho or controlling... I know it is in men's nature to watch porn and stuff I just didn't realize he'd be public with it

Also me and him have been in a relationship for about a year now and both in our early 20s. Surprisingly we've never had an argument.. but another thing to note is if let's say we're flipping through a magazine and there's a shirtless guy on one page, he'll flip quickly past it so I won't see.. so I know he is also uncomfortable with me "visually lusting" after other men but he won't say it out loud.. but I just don't understand the double standard..

[Faye4ever]

lol oh boy. The double standards! My boyfriend can be a double standard annoyance. So he obviously knows that having the account with cosplay crosses his own personal lines, or he wouldn't have deleted it right? Like if he thought it was something you should be okay with, or wasn't sure if you were okay with it, he would have left it, so you would find out, or said something to you. So he feels it wrong, all by himself. And he doesn't like it when you "visually lust" lol.

I'm just going to say it's nothing wrong with feeling the way you do, its your relationship. And you have the right to your feelings. And there are plenty of men and women who feel the same way as you.

I would like to say, I'm not one of those women, I'm okay with some things. Just because I see someone hot, doesn't mean I'm throwing my relationship away. Neither is my boyfriend.

Also people who do like cos-play, it's not usually about sex or desire.. It could be you love the characters they dress up as. Or find the person creative to make accurate looks. The characters they dress as usually dress sexual anyways in the anime or manga or comic. And if you do a really good cos-play, you'll be pretty exposed.

But back to the point. You state you do want to talk to him. So to me the best way to talk to someone, is like a child. With tactful honestly. If it was me, this is what I would say, "Hey, there is something I need to talk to you about, are you free right now because it is important. I snooped through your instagram and saw the cos-players you follow. Yes I know, I shouldn't have snooped, but my real question is, what made you start following these cos-players? They are pretty sexual, and I know you may have not said it before, but I can tell that you don't like it when I see and acknowledge hot guys. It makes you uncomfortable and hurt when I do things like that, and makes me uncomfortable and hurt by these cos-players. I want to be on the same page as you. So is there something in our relationship that is causing this to happen?"

Now I don't know your boyfriend, whether he's the reasonable type, or the childish type. So WHO KNOWS what he might say next. But hey, if there IS something behind it then you guys talk about it and maybe you could be his "only cos-player" lol. It depends on what he says. If it's just the "I want to do what I want" tantrum, then I would just disregard what he says, and make my own soft porn Instagram account. And if all else you might have to split up.

[samhradh_leannan]

Since he's been refollowing all these women, you don't have to admit that you snooped in order to talk to him about what's bothering you. However, I'd suggest coming clean. It will be better in the long run. Besides, it's not like you snooped through his emails or something like that. As far as I can tell, it's fairly easy to see who people are following on instagram, since you can tell that he's refollowing these people.

It's understandable that this makes you feel uncomfortable. Following tons of half naked women on instagram isn't really the most appropriate behavior for an attached man in his 20s. I'd expect that from a horny teenager, not a civilized adult. Explain why this bothers you, and call him on the double standard. Communication is important for making relationships work, so speak up when something bothers you.

[samhradh_leannan]

It can be hard to bring up subjects like this, but at the end of the day, you just have to bite the bullet and do it. I often start with a phrase like "There's something I want to talk to you about" or "There's something that's been bothering me that I'd like to talk about with you". Your feelings are reasonable, so he should understand. If you talk to him about it in a respectful, non-judgemental way and he still freaks out about it, then that's an issue on his side, not yours.

[WriterAndPainter]

Don't let this be your first argument. I mean it's so petty. I know it can be hurtful and it seems like that's what he desires and this and that, but at the end of the day he's coming home to you. At least it was publicly and it's not something you just found. But also, if it's making you uncomfortable you can just talk to him and tell him how it makes you feel and if you can't respect that then he needs to grow up. But you need to be secure enough with yourself that that stuff doesn't bother you. He's with you for a reason and it's almost lasted a year. What it boils down to it is it worth the possible argument? There are ways to bring it up to him without coming off as controlling or you trying to change things. So if you do bring it up really consider your approach.

[Marshmello_22]

I say talk to him about it. You're not being psycho or controlling. He seems to be addicted to porn and looking at those Instagram accounts. If he doesn't want to stop, I say break up with him. It's making you feel uncomfortable and he's not being considerate.

[OlderAndWiser]

1. Of course you don't want to be judged for snooping, but you did it and you can't undo it.

2. Are you sure this guy wants a committed, monogamous relationship now? I mean really wants it and not just says it but also means it.

3. Ask him if he is okay with you watching some male porn every day.

[alphahillbilly]

Like if he was just looking at them or whatever its nothing to worry about, as long as he isn't like doing "more"

[OlderAndWiser]

@alphahillbilly It doesn't matter what anybody else thinks about the behavior. If it bothers her and he knows it but continues doing it, then it is a problem which they need to address.

[RoseGold425]

Thank you for your reply and to answer your questions.. on one occasion he had actually brought up to me that he would always want a monogamous relationship and he doesn't like the idea of his significant other being shared. Also we are both aware the we both watch porn on our own time and we have no problem with that but to be public with what we lust after there is always unspoken tension

[alphahillbilly]

Yeah agreed

[OlderAndWiser]

So him doing this publicly is the real problem, because other people know and they might think that you aren't satisfying him? I'd be thinking about that if I was in your position.

[RoseGold425]

I know he doesn't like me looking at other guys and having to see him heart and follow all of these girls really kills my self esteem everyday

[OlderAndWiser]

So you're not okay with him looking at porn in private, either?

[RoseGold425]

Porn is okay cause he does it on his own time and what he sexually prefers isn't being thrown at me (Ignorance is bliss).. though we have sex every time we get the chance so I don't believe it's a fulfillment thing

[Nightshades]

well what are you mad at he isn't flanking these girls at you you went out of your way to look for them

[OlderAndWiser]

I on't have any clear idea of what aspect of this is bothering you and I suspect that if you have already talked to him, he doesn't understand, either. You need to determine what it is that is really bothering you, stop trying to be the cool understanding girlfriend, and just really say what bothers you here.

[RoseGold425]

I'm just hurt how he loves looking at these girls knowing that I could never come near to looking like that. We haven't talked I'm not sure how to bring it up to him.

[RoseGold425]

@Nightshades I'm not mad at all I'm hurt that he publicly follows these girls. I do not wish to start any form of argument or seem controlling. I just know if the situation were reversed he'd be hurt by it too because he's uncomfortable with me looking at other guys in that way.

[OlderAndWiser]

So why is it okay for him to look at porn in private? I think you are trying to force yourself to be okay with that but you really aren't.

[RoseGold425]

I guess you're right but I won't stop him from watching it. Nearly everyone watches porn including me so I do not wish to be a hypocrite and tell him not to watch it. I try and get the mentality that all these women in his instagram are In the same category as porn but I can't help but say that it bothers me.

[OlderAndWiser]

You shouldn't apologize for being bothered by this and you shouldn't try to make yourself accept something that bothers you. We all have out sensitivities, idiosyncracies, etc. Have you discussed this problem with your boyfriend in an open, honest, candid manner?

[Katie2244]

talk to him about it, most guys even in a relationship consume some form of porn it doesn't mean they are looking for new partners it's just for stimulation and masturbating, we aren't naturally monogamous as a species, both my partner and I use porn regularly

[Coconutty]

He's immature and addicted to porn. You're not being insecure. You're having the normal, appropriate feelings of any sane woman.

The only way to talk to him is to say, "Hey, I noticed this and it makes me really uncomfortable."

There's nothing wrong with setting who he follows. The system is built for you to see, as it's trying to get you to follow people he follows. Nothing to be ashamed of!

[Terry1031]

I'd dump his stupid ass and tell him to go find a insta skank

[rainydaysfordays]

if you can't talk to him about is he really your boyfriend?

[RoseGold425]

I'd like to talk to him I just don't want to come of as controlling or start an argument.

[rainydaysfordays]

he should understand. it does not sound controlling to me. if something like that was happening with my boyfriend I would definitely talk to him about it.

[RoseGold425]

I'm not sure how to bring it up

[Anonymous]

Totally like my boyfriend.. He follows hundreds (I'm serious...) of fitness models and all they do is post pictures in their underwear.. I hate it. He said he will delete them when he's ready to..
He's a super jealous guy so I'd be in deep shit if I followed a men's fitness Instagram. Tbh I've unfollowed some of the pages that were too provocative.. But its an issue because I know he used to masterbate to those pictures in the past..

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he's an #InstaHoe
www.girlsaskguys.com/.../q2264192-are-you-one-of-the-many-virtual-instahoes-gaghoes-fbhoes

[Anonymous]

what bothers you? is it the fact that he looks at them or is it the fact that he is doing it in public?

[RoseGold425]

It's both honestly and I know porn is one thing but it kills my self esteem knowing that he wishes he could have a girl like that

[Opinion Owner]

i understand. what are your feelings with porn?