Sexual Relationships
+1 y

Why are "friends with benefits" so common now-a-days?

It seems like every other question here is talking about a friend with benefits, hopefully asking if they're catching feelings... why do so many people settle for that kind of empty relationship when it's clear that they want more? Why waste your time; why share something so intimate with someone who you don't have a true connection with, who you have no intention of being with long term?

Maybe there's something I'm missing? I've never seen the appeal of casual sex. I lost my virginity at 18 to my first serious boyfriend and we're still happily together. As a teenager I had no inclination towards promiscuity, maybe it would be different now that I'm a sexually active adult but I don't have to worry about it at the moment because my boyfriend and I have a great sex life.

So, what's the appeal?
Updates:
+1 y
The answers are so depressing. Nothing is sacred any more.
0 2

Most Helpful Guys

  • Well I have no experience in that or reliationship but my best bet will be the following.

    We live in a world of consumption and instant gratification which means that you must have instantly what gives you pleasure/satisfaction and you can toss it when you want to get another things. Why bother investing on something when everything is cheap and easely replacable.

    On the other hand, in a world ruled strictly by the "free market" the "representation of private interests... abolishes all natural and spiritual distinctions by enthroning in their stead the immoral, irrational and soulless abstraction of a particular material object and a particular consciousness which is slavishly subordinated to this object" in other word there is less and less value and the world is more and more govern by the abstraction of each person interest.

    So no more value like, trust, loyalty, honesty, commitment and dedication. Ofc people will tell you that it matters but in the bottom end for more and more people the sole interest is their sole private and selfish interest.

    Take the dating application for instance, it is a "free market" basicaly, you enter in a market with people who are branded with "value" (you know the famous rate me on a scale of 1 to 10) and well you just take or pass thousand of people without real consideration for their person, just like if you were investing in stock options.

    So, we have a world ruled by "free market" with less and less moral value and more and more a brutal and cold maximisation or self interest, consumption and gratification.

    It can easely end with people agreeing that sex is a fun activity and they will do it from times to times for their own interest and stop when they don't find it interesting. They maximise their interest and pleasure by minimising in the same time their constraints and obligations.

    That's how I see it but I have no experience in dating or that kind of stuff.

    Also, I don't say that "free market" is bad just that when it is the only thing that ruled the world it tends to obliterate the virtue that have no market value which is bad in my opinion. I do not preach communism but the society of consumption, instant gratification where the "free market" is the king and the money the queen can onl lead to a society without value.

    As Wilde used to say : "Nowadays people know the price of everything and the value of nothing"

    tell me if that sounds relevant to you.

  • The answer is (mostly) FEMINISM.

    "Traditional" gender roles have been refined for thousands of years, and everyone got some benefits and had some responsibilities under those rules. Feminism changed the rules, but the "scale" has to balance somehow - you don't get all the benefits of traditional gender roles PLUS the benefits of Feminism - it's one or the other.

    With traditional roles, sex mostly took place within marriages, or at the very least, within relationships (with the expectation that relationships were intended to lead to marriage). Despite all the responsibilities and limitations marriage imposed on men, it also brought a number of benefits to men: sex, children, and someone to take care of him at home while he went out and worked to support the family.

    Today, post-feminism, women want to have their own careers, which means they don't get married in high school (they need an education - usually advanced education - to have a career, and that means school/college instead of marriage and children in her 20s). And even when they do marry, most women don't want to stay at home and raise the children and take care of her husband - they want to continue their career. And that's fine - women do this all the time - but they've mostly negated the reason that men married them, because marriage now carries few benefits and huge liabilities for a man. Men are much less likely to marry at all, and when they do marry, divorce is the most likely outcome.

    And if you aren't going to marry, why be in a relationship at all? Men are reluctant to be in relationships (aka "marriage lite") because, again, why accept the responsibilities and limitations if you don't have to? What's the benefit?

    Men and women both still want sex, of course, and women definitely still want male attention, so men are willing to trade attention for sex. That's called Friends With Benefits. Neither gets everything, but both get something.

    But the lesson is that the scales will always balance. If you want something extra, you're going to have to give up something else in another area. Feminism traded marriage/relationships for career opportunities, with the lie (told to women) that they could have BOTH. The divorce rate and decline of marriage is proof of that lie.

Most Helpful Girls

  • Well have you ever thought about it in a different way? Like maybe some people just view sex as sex possibly because of their higher sex drive, or maybe the fact that they are just not ready, or uninterested to create emotional bonds with just one person yet.
    To me, I lost my virginity at 18 to my first serious boyfriend, and I have also had friends with benefits after that. Sometimes one side catches feelings, sometimes they don't. But I also think now that (although this is a different subject) sex before marriage also lets you be closer to someone when there's meaning to the relationship. Maybe you would prefer to only share that with a special someone, but some of us can separate sex into meaningless and meaningful. There's really no other way to explain this to make it more understandable because it won't until you experienced it yourself. But I generally think that it's all about what the person is comfortable with to be able to go through with it.
    You don't have to ask yourself why you think it isn't nice that these things are not "sacred" anymore, there's nothing you're missing. Just that everyone lives life differently, and different people consider different things to be sacred to them.

  • I think social media should take part of the blame for this. Social media is over glorified and praised in tv shows, movies, magazines and is, almost made to look like it is cool and normal. However, I feel like a lot of women just like to go with the flow now a days and do whatever they can to please the guy. I think some think this is the way to get a guy to like them. It could also be because people want to that physical intimacy with someone right away so friends with benefits might seem like the easiest temporary strategy. It is what I like to call instant gratification. I think it is also safe to say that chivalry isn't what is used to be.

  • I don't understand it either. It's like people start with sex then they hope to build a relationship through sex and after that they want to get to know each other better. It usually doesn't work out but hey, who am I to judge? If that's what they think is right, then *it mus be true*...😂

    • Precisely! They start with sex and then hope to build a relationship after, but shouldn't the relationship building come BEFORE the sex?

    • No, the point is not to build a "relationship", that is a hazard to be avoided.

    • @WalterRadio It's all just very sad. This culture of selfishness being promoted, so much so that the beautiful act of sharing your life with someone is seen as a 'hazard' because they 'drag you down'. In reality a relationship benefits both partners, it's a support system, and the best sex you will ever have is with a trusted, loved partner. But today's young, self absorbed generation so consumed with just using and discarding will never know. It's so, so sad.

    • Show All

  • Because sex doesn't mean anything to a lot of people anymore unfortunately.

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What Girls & Guys Said

3 23

  • It's common cause no feeling, no commitment, no relationship.

    Males: don't worry about being tied down to one girl.
    Women: like to stay friends with the guy.

  • I understand where you're coming from and can relate.
    My feeling is that casual sex caters to the need for validation. To feel wanted, desired, attractive and sexy.
    Personally, I choose to look for that validation through deeply intimate connections within relationships that I feel have the potential to be lifelong partnerships.
    Each to their own though. This is my path, it's not for everybody :)

  • It's not it's just the people who do it are more vocal than the people waiting for a relationship or in one it basically the "Everyone is doing it" excuse no.. Everyone isn't doing it

  • $ is King, that's why.

  • LOL it really isn't as common as you perceive. Most of the questions is about wanting to try it, not actually having one. Also, it's harder than it sounds to come up with a relationship like this. So much on the internet is embellished that it seems that a lot of things are more norms than they are. But, I'm pretty sure that more traditional relationships is the majority.

  • Clear that we want more? Umm not really. Girls my age aren't really relationship material, so friends with benefits is just perfect.

  • At this point, it's better than nothing. If I could get it.

  • It is easy. You can maintain your own life and pursue your own career unhindered.

    It is great.

  • Because men and women are too shit scared of commitment.
    Its like it would kill them.

  • Because nobody wants the "work" that goes with a relationship, both guys and girls. Just the "benefits"

  • Well my girlfriend and I started as friends with benefits. We definitely don't have an empty relationship.

    I think you need to stop being so judgmental for we all have differential personal values that have been accumulated throughout the entirety of our lives. This consist of different experiences, different types of parents, different demographics... the list goes on.

    Who are you to say that your way is the right way? There is no correct or incorrect way to emotionally invest in someone in the sense of an absolute level. If you genuinely think only your approach is the correct way, then you have completely deviated from what would be considered rational thought.

    People might look at sex in a completely different lens than you. They might hold value in other avenues of their life subsiding from "holding out" or keeping their "self respect". They might not even correlate self respect in the context of sex at all.

    I actually made a take on slut-shaming (my old account) saying that promiscuous people need to stop shoving their lifestyles down peoples throats all the time. This is coming from a guy who has fucked around a lot.

    www.girlsaskguys.com/.../a29147-slut-shaming-we-need-to-stop-abusing-that-term

    I think sex is natural as fuck. It makes you feel good. It releases endorphin's which give you more confidence. Reduces anxiety.. alleviates symptoms of depression that we all experience sometimes. Another list that really goes on and on.

    I've noticed that people who place such a radical value in their ability to withhold from sex to the extent of shaming others who do, have deeper rooted issues that might not at surface level. Maybe they don't much else going on in their life to place value on, so the resort of placing their value elsewhere.

    • Lol you lost me when you started going on about self respect; never once did I associate sex with personal value. You missed that the topic wasn't a discussion of value or self respect at all because you were too eager to tout YOUR point of view. Ironic

    • If you didn't value these things... Then why would you go to he extent of saying that people who don't share your same beliefs *cough values* are settling are in empty relationships? Of course those are your personal values. We all them regardless if the topic is sex or not. You place value in these things because you don't want to settle for an empty relationship. No?

  • It's because you don't have to deal with her bad traits and only enjoy her good traits.

    There is serious appeal in that.

    • I find this point of view sad.

    • Well, it's not for me anymore either, but i wouldn't begrudge a young guy/girl in say, college doing it. As long as everyone is safe about it and everyone involved is clear on what the deal is, each to their own.

  • Some people just do not want to deal with relationships and everything that comes with it.
    That's how my friends with benefits and I feel right now.

  • I like it, 'cause your not committed to someone, no relationship stress at all and it's just easy.
    I'm right now in a phase where I really don't need someone at all but still I have needs.
    I gave my relationship to some of this kind of type.
    It was the right for me in the moment, he was the right in this phase of my life

  • It's playful exploring. It can lead to more. Why didn't you wait until marriage? Is the same caliber of question. They're clearly into each other or they wouldn't do that.

  • They're common on the internet. But what about outside, in the real world?

  • Society is getting less uptight about sex is all. People don't see sex as being something super special or shameful, so they're more willing to do it just for fun.

  • I'm against it :/

  • It is popular. This is the appeal

  • It's approximately the same amount it's been, maybe you're just realizing it more because people are open to the idea of living a different lifestyle than the one enforced on us.

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