What do guys think about girls who've been sexually abused?

So many girls have been sexually abused during their childhood and it's a huge burden for them to carry. Sometimes even when they don't remember specific moments of the abuse, they still deal with the long term effects of it. Some have intimacy issues, commitment issues, or turn to promiscuity because they were taught at a young age that that's what they are useful for. Others become avoidant and do not get close to anyone at all. I was just wondering, what do guys think about girls who have been sexually abused? Do they feel bad or do they even care? I have a feeling it scares some guys to be in a relationship with a girl who's been molested or raped. Am I right?
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Most Helpful Girls

  • First of all, every individual who goes through it will be slightly different. Childhood is typically different than during adulthood, as far as sequelae.

    Knowing that, I also think that it should be something given in depth communication, and should be a topic worthy of the weight it carries in time spent talking. Scared, may not be the right word. Confident or unsure, the import part is awareness. Sometimes people don't want to talk details. Sometimes people don't remember details. The brain, during trauma, doesn't encode memories normally since it is flooded with stress hormones. Time may be out of order, and some memories actually skip over being encoded with words attached. They go straight from sensory input to encoding, wirhout being verbally processed. That's why some trauma triggers are smells, sounds, feelings even, that can be so embedded and frustrating because they seem to defy explaining. It's because they can't be. Example: if they had been tortured, having hands jokingly held behind back while play wrestling could result in a fear response, even if it didn't the last time. Maybe this time it was dark, or a door slammed. There are effective treatments for all, including EMDR which can treat even the non verbal.

    There's an immense amount of personal work to be done, and no partner should ever be relied on to "fix" anything. Treatment has to be committed to by the one who needs it. And it works. And it's not forever. It's not a flaw, and nobody is broken, even though there is an incredible amount of shame associated with most severe traumas. It's important to remember that trauma cuts across every single arbitrary boundary we have. Socio-economic status, color, gender, age, nationality, etc. Trauma is equal opportunity.

    The best thing a partner could do would be to educate themselves, be confident in being stable and strong in their commitment and in showing their support however comes naturally to them. They won't always know what to do, which is why they need to talk. The person who has the trauma history has the responsibility of being open and honest about their needs, and clear about what they need to do on their own.

    Some of the very most beautiful people aren't so because they have had no trauma. Some are so because they have known that kind of darkness, and can appreciate that light is brighter when up against black. It is no easy task, but it is certainly worth pursuing. It's one facet to people, not their entire identity.

    • One of the simplest and most eloquent ways of explaining it I've ever heard: "an abnormal reaction to an abnormal circumstance is a normal reaction." Trauma is something we are not designed to be able to process, because it is so far outside the realm of typical experience. That's why it leaves shadows in people's lives. There's no shame in wrestling through them, or having them. Some things are not meant to be done to people, and when they are, it is a new road entirely to get past it and survive. They just don't make sense, and we need things to make sense. I see nothing wrong with working through it all with a partner, as long as both are aware, communicate, and the one with the burden of the trauma has to own it and not turn it outward onto others. That's never healthy, when working through something becomes taking it out on others. It has to be owned.

    • I could be way off base, but I would assume that some of the reasons men might be wary of a female with a trauma in her background would be: 1. They tend to be fixers. It's not something they can fix, so feelings of inadequacy, fear, loss of control (not the bad kind, just the kind we depend on to feel confident), and that can spiral into lack of them getting their needs met but feeling unable to voice it without possibly "hurting her." 2. They are logical, about most things. It is hard to know what to do, and nobody likes to feel like they could fail, or not have it under control, or be at a loss of what to do. 3. There is a very real subset of people who do not do well dealing with it afterward, and sometimes the superman/protector thing that men tend to want to do can backfire on them because it becomes crushing to try to carry and fix someone. It's not healthy, and no, I wouldn't recommend that.

  • I've personally been sexually assaulted in 2015 by my ex boyfriend I've got terrible issues handling a relationship let alone have a guy touch me even just a hug brings me chills... I've got a boyfriend I finally managed to get myself to date and told him about the issue and he's understanding which is really unexpectable cause when i first reached out to a good friend she distanced herself and went on my ex boyfriend's side (well eventually I found out she had a crush on him... Who needs enemies with friends like that?) My parents found out about it only a bit before summer 2016 when I had a mental breakdown at school and I never pressed charges just cause I can't handle it mentally... its like a battle... I went to some treatments which I quit cause I couldnt stand it there but I think Im doing better :) Its a long process I dont know if i'll ever get fully over it though... My terrible trust issues became worse after this :) That event definitely left a scar
    But my boyfriend is trynna be really supportive he asks me if I feel uncomfortable or something and most of the people who actually supported me were my guy friends rather than girls :)

    • My boyfriend is trynna be really supportive asking me if I feel uncomfortable or something :)

    • and most of the people who actually supported me were my guy friends and not the girls :)

    • sorry if you see this twice its just on phone it was cut for me so I put in again

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  • I've seen men who have dealt with women who have been sexually abused. They have been endearing and enthusiastic for the victims to rebuild trust again. They have been respectful towards their standpoints, patient in dealing with their emotional necessities, and considerate about everything they'd share.

    They have been heroes worthy of utmost reverence. The bond made is beautiful and something that can be life-changing because it will eventually help women become confident in their own skin once again.

  • Most won't refuse to date you because of it but I've noticed many men think that women who have been molested will grow up to be strippers or slutty. This is a big reason why I have only told one guy about my sexual abuse as a child, I feel like if I open up about it, they'll either be weirded out and think I'll have mental issues because of it, or assume I'm promiscuous

Most Helpful Guys

  • It doesn't scare me away. Two previous relationships were with girls who told me they were abused one way or another. You just have to watch out for things that can trigger those past problems or slowly ease into thinks so she is comfortable. But as a guy you can only do so much to help and sometimes you can't help anything. It can put a strain on the relationship over time if there is no improvement over time and it affects your closeness.

    It can even ruin the relationship over time depending on how bad it is. i don't think any less of someone for being abused, but if it affects the relationship enough and there doesn't seem to be a way to help her to deal with those issues, it can be a problem. You feel kind of helpless and start to feel that you're not enough to help and that maybe someone else could be better for her.

    • Yeah, I see how that would happen. It honestly sucks for both people in the relationship because the girl might start feeling guilty for depriving you of closeness

  • It's kinda scary. You never know what you'll find and when you do fin out the whole story you'll suffer for her, and yet you dont know if that suffering will ever become a story of determination or about overcoming trauma. For all you know, it might get worse. Intimacy issues are difficult, but the commitment issues are probably the toughest. How can you insist on someone who isn't faithful to you and pathologically cheats on you? Most won't, if any. Plus, if she was raped at any age, I'll be scared of proceeding in sex. What if I hurt her? What if I trigger some memory of the moment?

    It's definetively tough. I think I could live with that for someone I care about, but not the cheating.

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • To be honest I wouldn't know what to think, other than if I liked this girl I would do what I can to make her smile and laugh.

  • Sorry, to me it is damaged goods. It is like they will always see sex as something dirty, painful, ugly and wrong. Every time they have sex, they will always have those negative or nightmarish flashbacks and will never be able to fully let go and get into it.
    This is how guys honestly feel. The guys that deny this are the ones that are too scared themselves to go after what they truly want and are afraid of hurting her feelings. They get overwhelmed playing the "protector" role and try to stick around. As long as she is able to move forward and forget the past or at least suppress it enough to engage in a healthy sex life, then are no problems. Many times though, this isn't the case and problems do arise. As for the comment about how guys won't go for girls like this only because they want quick and easy sex, that isn't true. They will dump a girl without a hurtful past to if they don't get sex right away.

    • I think that's rather cynical.

    • @NQQSE Well, why is wrong for me to go after what I want and what makes me happy? I am sorry for what happened to her, but it isn't my problem or my obligation to fix it. Harsh words, but that is reality. I totally understand about putting someone before yourself sometimes, but there are also times you need to think about yourself and what is best for you too. Having a relationship with someone who is not a functioning sexual partner due to past sexual violence is a bad situation to be in. I fail to see why you would purposely subject yourself to that. Sex is important to me and a happy sex life is imperative to me. I don't think I am being selfish or greedy for going after what I want in life. Do I not have a right to be happy?

    • You totally do. I'm just thinking: is she "damaged goods" for life? People can grow and change a hell of a lot depending on how they're treated by their surroundings. On some level all relationships are about supporting each other and bringing out the best in the other person.

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  • I feel like you are trying to open up but can't quite yet.

    Would you like to talk?

    • Thank you, but no

    • Okay. Well if you change your mind, I'll listen

    • Thanks (:

  • your only half right though most guys eventually get over the shock of it and try to be with the girl in a way that make them feel more in control of things and not out of control like the feelings they have because of what happened.

    me being a guy i know i would want to be with the girl but i would try and goo with things her way so there would be no hint f me having any control when we first met so she can see i have no bad intentions.

  • It can certainly mess with some guys but others really want to help you know

  • I feel pity for them and try best to cheer them up and also try to build their trust in the society again and be there when she requires somebody

  • I extend my sincerest condolences to every last girl that has been sexually abused in her life... but romantically, I want nothing to do with them.

    There is no point in freely welcoming more stress into my life by choosing to date a girl who is facing more issues than I could ever know how to handle. Why would I actively CHOOSE to date someone who will bring more problems into my life, when there are quite literally millions of other girls who I could live with happily and without worry?

    • Doesn't anyone you choose to date bring the potential for "problems?" Not all of them are in the past, my friend. You could be in a years long, committed relationship with the love of your life, and she (or you, to be blunt), could experience a trauma and have a difficult time dealing with it. I can understand your apprehension about it existing prior to your relationship, but honestly, that's a bit arbitrary. There is no magical shield from trauma at any point in life, certainly not from being in a relationship. I also think perhaps the root of the issue is in your words- "than I could ever know how to handle." That's fair. Nobody likes to feel unprepared, or like they could fail. Again, I'd just caution you to remember that shit happens all the time, and nobody is ever prepared for it. You just learn as you go, and play the fuck out of the hand you've been delt. Don't discount something that could be something special just because you don't know everything yet.

    • @HaveQuestions Yes, any partner can bring problems to a relationship, but my point is that girls who have been sexually abused pose a higher risk than most.

    • Not really. Men go through assaults, brutal car accidents, sexual assaults, natural disasters, combat, loss of friends/family in a traumatic way in front of them, and all have risk of difficulty dealing with trauma. Hardest lesson ever is, trauma is equal opportunity. Across time, across gender. Nobody is "higher" or "lower" risk. And every single one of us, is at risk.

  • That they are damaged goods. A couple of my exes were and it gave them issues that I didn't care to deal with.

  • I think your right that it will scare guys off, mainly the guys that just want to get some quick pussy. I am not one of those guys, if i am interesting in a girl especially if i start loving her ill start sharing her pain. If she shares this with me a few things happen. Firstly ill understand it probably took quite a lot of courage to share something that personal and ill love the fact she wants to be open with me. Ill tell her i am not like that and that i want to get trough this with her because i love her. But most importantly of all ill be understanding of the fact she needs a lot of love, but also space to get trough this and we won't be having sex until she feels comfortable enough with me to try it again. Ill be ok with that, because after all if she's truly the girl i love ill happily love her as she is.

  • I empathise with abuse victims, and I feel bad for anyone who's had to go through that. I'd probably be more cautious in a relationship with someone who was abused, but I wouldn't pity them or treat them differently in everyday situations. (Unless there was something they needed me to do differently)

  • As long as they did all that they realistically could, then it's not their fault; I come from a similar background, so I can relate.
    Just like any mishap, though, one should learn from the events and move on. Don't just try to forget it to cope with it, but don't let the past control you, either.

  • I would date a girl who was sexually abused because it's not her fault at all and I'd try my best to help her cope with it

  • They tend to fall into one of three categories..

    -Those who are really sweet, loving and potentially very loyal, but have a very ferocious sexuality buried inside just waiting to be tapped into.

    -Those who just become sluts outright and think of guys as nothing more than pathetic weaklings, fit only to serve her vagina.

    -Those who are a combination of the two in such a way that you can never be entirely sure which they are.

    • As for what I think of them.. The first- I'd be​ a dirty lier if I said I wasn't very attracted to them. The second- They​ annoy me a lot. Can't stand them. The third- Tricky. They have a way of making a guy feel like he's good enough, then not good enough, then good enough, then not good enough. *Repeat.*

  • My heart aches for anyone who struggles with pains from the past. I would have no qualms with a SO who has painful memories, I think the consideration is how that SO deals with those painful memories. I would be inspired and attracted to someone who continuously works to prevail over the ramifications of their pain. Conversely, I would be concerned for someone who might sweep things under the rug, for I would fear their ability to seek resolution of the common, everyday give and take needed for a relationship of any type to work.

  • Depends, if it´s a girl who has overcome it, I would have no problem with that, if it´s a girl who hasn´t overcome the abuse I´ll say the best thing for her is to be single until she starts to love her self, otherwise she might have trashy relationships, not to say disfunctional relationships that woudln´t do her any better.

    • Trying to be a superman in these case is emotionally suicidal reason why before starting a relationship with someone who suffered rape it´s better to back off a little and make sure that the person is psychologically ready to assume what a relationshiop is all about.

  • I don't know. It's mostly a question of ignorance for me. I know nothing about it, and one doesn't want to approach it the wrong way.

    If some guy can't accept it, he's not right for you. It's that simple.

    Talk about it when and how you're comfortable with it, but maybe at a time where the two of you are alone, and he can take it in.

  • I wish i could help.
    Yes you are right it does scare me, i dont know if i can help her , or if it can be helped, or if the relationship will work out.
    Do you think a guy could change her view of men and make her really feel safe again?

    • I don't know, it seems like most guys think they won't be able to easily have sex and so they don't want anything to do with a girl who has this kind of baggage. But maybe the right guy could change her view of men

    • There are guys out there willing to take care of girls like that. But be careful, some might be abusers, pretending to be nice.

  • It's hard to never be in a relationship with a woman that that happens to because it's so common but at the same time I never use to care at all. Then I met my fiance and as we get closer I can see so many problems she has and has had and we having stemming from her not correctly dealing with be raped

  • I think if a girl is molested or raped... it is not her fault... it doesn't show her character.. if she has done it willingly... then I have a problem...

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