I can't get over my boyfriends sexual past. What should I do? How do I get over it?

[Anonymous]

I grew up in a Christian house hold and was always thought to save my virginity for marriage and same with my boyfriend but he had meaningless sex with some random girl 3 times. On top of that they were all hookups where the girl was trying to get back at her ex boyfriend. we have been dating for a year now and i can't get over his past... I cry everytime I think about how he didn't think about his future and that he could have given that gift to a girl that loves and cares for him so much. I think part of the reason it gets to me so much is that I know the girl, she is in my grade, and I see her everyday at school. She is literally the hoe of the grade having sex with many people. He is different now, treats me amazing, and he regrets what he did. I want to forgive him but it always seems to come back and makes me cry. Sometimes I even can be rude to him and bring it up making him feel bad. I don't want to though.. How do I get over this? If a year later I still can't get over it, what's the best thing to do?

[Norah19]

This is a really difficult situation to be in, and I can understand why this would be so hard for you. Right now I’m struggling with the fact that it’s important to forgive (because God forgave us when we didn’t deserve it) as well as working through our problems and not giving up when things get hard (especially in preparation for marriage); but also acknowledging that this would be a hard thing to get over especially since you've been saving yourself for marriage.

If you think this is something you would not be able to get over, and something that you would constantly bring up in order to hurt him when you too are hurt (which could be a sign of not forgiving him); then maybe you do need to reconsider this relationship.

Now, if this is something that even after truly forgiving him, you do not think you could handle if you two were to get married one day then it probably is still best to just to end things right now. I too am saving myself for marriage, and (if God wills) I would like to marry a man who is also a virgin. My reasons being that I am quite self conscious and am prone to doubting myself and doubting my worth/value. I am certain that if I were to be with a man who had already been intimate with another woman (or women) I would constantly be comparing myself to them and wondering if I measure up, I’d feel insecure around him in intimate situations, and I fear in my sinfulness I would use it against him in times of anger/hurt. It would be painful to be with someone who didn't save themselves because they weren't considering how it may hurt their future spouse. And I love the idea of being with a man who has/will only ever know me intimately, and I him. I think that’s such a beautiful thing.
(Is that possibly what would bother you too?)

However, if you think you can learn to forgive him and accept that he is no longer that person (if he has repented of that sin and given it over to God) and that he is new in the eyes of God, then I do think it could be worth it to try and work through this while you’re still dating. If you haven’t told him yet about how much this is hurting you, then I think you need to if you want things to work out. Also, give your hurt to God over this whole situation, tell Him what’s bothering you and ask Him to help you forgive your boyfriend for his past.

(continued in comment section)

[Norah19]

Sometimes we just need to let things go, and if it’s in his past you cannot hold it against him. As @i-am-a-nobody said, "Forgiving him, doesn't mean you should date him, right?" It’s possible to break up with someone you are dating, but once you’re married it’s meant to be for life and you will need to work through your problems; you can’t just decide it’s too hard and leave if you want to live according to God’s will. You know yourself best. If you think this is something you can move past (and be able to live with in marriage) then why not try and work things through and talk to him about it? If you haven’t yet, maybe you just need tell him how much this has really hurt you; not in a way to make him feel like less of a person for his past but instead just to help him see things from you side of things. But if it’s not something you can see yourself being able to live with/get over, then I do think ending things sooner rather than later would be wise. ---

[Norah19]

Waiting is worth it, don’t listen to what society has to say about sex & relationships. God gave us these rules for our own good, He knows that waiting & saving yourself for one person in a marriage will be the best for us & will result in a healthier relationship. A lot is because there won’t be any jealousy, or insecurity (in regards to past sexual relationships) due to the fact that you’ll have only know each other intimately & will have no one else to compare yourself (or them) to. The “Christians” who are disregarding God’s law because they don’t see the point in saving themselves are missing out, and if they are willingly living in sin with no remorse over it then I’d think it’s safe to say that they aren’t really saved. Don’t feel stupid for waiting, if things don’t work out with you & your current boyfriend then there is someone else. And if you would like to wait for a fellow virgin, I do believe it would be worth it (if you can't work things out with your boyfriend). ---

[Norah19]

There’s a man (actually many men) out there waiting for a woman who is also saving herself for marriage. There's more people saving themselves than you'd think. Any man saving himself for marriage will definitely appreciate you doing the same. Doing things God's way is worth it, and saving yourself for your future husband will be worth it. Just know, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to marry a virgin. You said: "I just don't get a why christians think they can just pick and choose when to have sex and be forgiven later..” Is this the kind of attitude your boyfriend has? That’s definitely not how someone who is saved will think. Yes God will forgive us of our sins, if we repent. But if someone is thinking with this mindset I do not think they will truly be remorseful over that sin. They do not understand how bad our sin really is, and if they are deliberately sinning then how can they truly be sorry for it later? ---

[Norah19]

-- Unless of course they get a true change of heart and realize how truly wrong their sin is, and how much it hurts God when we choose to do something even though we know it will draw us away from God. That would be sincere, but if their hearts don't change and realize the weight of their sin, they cannot truly be sorry for their sin so why would their be forgiveness without repentance? Romans 6:1-2 What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it?

[Rachel_is_gay]

This is ridiculous. Since when sex is that important? You can do it with literally anybody, and it's mainly for our own pleasure. He has some meaningless sex with some girls and that shouldn't be the matter. Plus it was his past. (it was only 3 times by the way if you want a reminder...)
Since when you two dated, has he ever cheated on you or treated you horrible? No? And does his past have any effect on your future together? No? Then that's good.
A person past doesn't dictate their future. So just get over it. A guy who has never had sex in the past CAN still be able to treat you horrible and there's no gurantee that he won't cheat on you. And a guy who has had sex with many girls in the past CAN still be able to love you and treat you right. Just think about it

[OjosOscuros2]

I'm going to give you advice like if you're my little sister. It seems like what bothers you more is who he did it with. Honestly that's the worst part, it wouldn't be so bad if he would have lost it to some nobody, but to go after the girl that a bunch of other guys have been with. No thanks! He made his choices without thinking of the consequences and losing you could be that consequence. You're under 18, you shouldn't have to stress about stuff like this. Focus on your studies and your own future, preferably not with this boy.

[I-am-a-nobody]

As a Christian, who was a virgin and wanted to marry a virgin, I wrestled with this question myself. I dated a girl who had been very sexually active, but was now an abstinent Christian. I reasoned that if God forgave her, so should I. Eventually, we broke up for other reasons.

The thing is: I STILL wanted a virgin. If I could wait my mate could wait. We shouldn't shame people for sins they have repented of, but still I wanted someone who would only be with me. Eventually (in my thirties), I married a virgin. Virginity meant a lot to me and so, I'm glad I married a virgin.

My point being:
If it matters so much that you're crying about it, then you might want to reconsider a relationship with him. Forgiving him, doesn't mean you should date him, right?

@OjosOscuros2 gave good advice here.
You are still young. You need to focus on more important things.
Also, you say you grew up in a Christian family, but are you a Christian?
Maybe you want some Christian things (sexual purity, etc.), but have you committed your life to Christ?

[OjosOscuros2]

I really appreciate this. It's tough to read through some of the other comments and to realize so many young people view sex as nothing and dismiss this young ladie's feelings towards the situation. I guess it shouldn't surprise me the way things in the world are, but I truly hope that through God's guidance we can uphold our values the way God wants us to. It's not easy. I myself married someone who wasn't a virgin, and I'd be lying if I said that this doesn't affect the way I perceive his relationship with God.

[Asker]

I feel exactly how you said you felt. I have no place to judge him but still, I wanted anither virgin that had saved themselves for me like I have for them. I feel stupid waiting at times when it seems like christians nowadays just have sex because they know they will be forgiven. Like @OjosOscuros2 said, I think makes me question his relationship with God at times. How comeback he gets to pick and choose when he will have abstinence and when not.. it seems unfair. Maybe I'm struggling with jealousy, I don't know

[Asker]

@OjosOscuros2 do you think you could help me deal with this by telling me your story/struggle? I love him so much and he's so good to me it's just this overwhelming struggle that I want a virgin. I don't want to leave him bc everything else is so good about him. I just don't get a why christians think they can just pick and choose when to have sex and be forgiven later.. it's not how it works. People don't realize it's not just about god but also about saving something so special for the person they will marry. It really hurts

[I-am-a-nobody]

@Asker First off, don't feel stupid for waiting. If you don't wait, who knows if you'll end up with some other guy who is a virgin. Then he would then feel like you do now. Joshua Harris, who authored "I Kissed Dating Goodbye", told how his fiance was not a virgin, while he was. He said they both had to grieve through what they lost, but he married her. But for you, it sounds like you can't get over this and so I think you should probably split. You might want to tell this guy just how bad what he did hurt you. Sin does have consequences and we usually don't know ahead of time just who it might hurt. You should also private message @OjosOscuros2 on this one. @Norah19 is also a mature Christian girl who might help on this question. I will be praying for you.

[OjosOscuros2]

Yes I can talk to you more about it. Feel free to follow me and I can send you a PM.

[OjosOscuros2]

As I mentioned in my answer, I think to me what's of greater concern is the way your boyfriend lost his virginity. In my husband's situation, he lost it with a girlfriend who he had been with for a while. I know that it's a sin no matter what. But for me it wasn't about the sex as much as it was a weakness of his faith. What I questioned when I read about the way your boyfriend lost his virginity, is not only his faith but also his character and motive. We all sin, nobody can be perfect so we're going to make mistakes. God does forgive us and therefore we too must forgive. But at the same time we must be wise and be able to discern people and situations. I don't know your boyfriend, and it is possible that he has repented and that he's truly trying to do right by you. But also make sure that his number one priority is loving God.

[godfatherfan]

This is the unfortunate consequence of being in a religious fanatic household. Sorry but the real world does not work that way. Also, men don't view sex the crazy way women do. It is not some "beautiful gift... yada yada..". Sex is a very important part of any adult relationship. It can also just be 2 people having fun. I keep telling women, because it is only women that seem to want to talk about sexual past, DONT TALK ABOUT IT. There is nothing you can do to change it, it doesn't affect your relationship in any way at all. all that matters is now and who you are with. You either need to seek therapy, or get over it and decide to join reality.

[hospitable_pepperoni]

It depends if you think this is something you'll be able to live with or not.

Does the relationship mean enough to you that you're willing to overlook his past and trust that he's changed now? Or is this issue something that's always going to bother you and that you'll never be able to get over?

In the end, it's something only you can answer.

[EpicDweeb]

My answer depends entirely on whether or not you're still a Christian. If you've decided you aren't any more I don't know how much I can help. If you're a Christian, I may be able to provide some advice.

[Asker]

I am Christian still and that's why it's bothers me. I was always taught to give that to my husband and so I wanted to be able to receive that gift from my husband as well. I know we aren't married but I don't date just to break up, I see a real future with him. I feel stupid waiting when it seems like every Christian nowadays has sex just because they know they will be forgiven...

[EpicDweeb]

You say he's changed since then. If he's truly a Christian I can only assume God has worked in his heart. Keep in mind, he'll still likely struggle with that temptation. Even so, it's your choice, whether or not to forgive him. I believe God calls us to forgive. However we are also to love by doing what's best for others. Forgiving an unrepentant sinner only encourages them to continue. In other words, this is a matter of whether or not you believe him to be truly repentant. If he is, you can choose to forgive him, and that's all you need do. All of us have sinned. While some sins are worse than others, for the way they affect more than one person, they all deserve death and hell. His lack of faithfulness to a future relationship is no different than if he'd lied, or stolen. They're all sins. It's up to us to choose either to forgive, or not to. I pray God will give you wisdom in this matter. God bless 😊

[RasmusAiken]

Honestly, I don't see your relationship lasting. The fact that you haven't forgiven him and you bring it up to him and make him feel bad is absolutely FATAL to a relationship. Marriage means being forgiving every single day. Marriage means NEVER intentionally hurting someone. . . to me it screams "abuse." But to give it your best shot go to counseling with him like to your pastor or a church elder. You just might be surprised at the results.

[Chanel1981]

If you're truly speaking out as a Christian it's not yours to judge. The only thing you can decide is if you want to continue seeing him

[Gonetowardthewind]

I take it you are Catholic with your views on sex, that's why I got out of it because the Catholic Church was insane. Anyways, your not going to hell for having pre-marital sex and if your parents or family judge you, they are sinning and will be sent to hell as well. Your best bet is to tell your boyfriend you want to add to his experience and get you some of your own experience. Just ask him to have sex, if he really cares about you, he'll take it nice and slow and make sure you are comfortable the entire time.

[Blonde401]

Break up with him. End of story. It happened and you need to grow up and get over it.

[Blonde401]

Also forgive him? What? Forgive him for what? He has no need to ask your forgiveness. His past has nothing to do with you. He does not need your forgiveness as he did nothing wrong. You're under 18, you don't even know that you'll marry him. Really need to get over yourself TBH.

[BioticGod]

Grow the fuck up. Lmfao.

[Kaaarinaaa]

I feel like you're Fucking kidding me
3 hook ups? Really? That's nothing.
He is a human, he has needs and he has every right to have sex. He doesn't need your Forgiveness, he has done nothing wrong.
We are not in Disney, sex isn't something magical, it's mostly dirty and awesome.
I get why you want to wait till marriage, but I have to say we are in the 21St century now.
And crying? Really, please first grow up and than think about marriage
Sorry for my harsh words! Really sorry, but I felt like someone had to do that

[meatballs21]

If you are unwilling to accept his past, you'll have to move on and find another guy. He can't change his past.

[watchmen]

You need to realize that he has a past and it was in the past, not right now. You need to talk to him about if you haven't yet because pinned up frustration hurts relationships-- go to someone like your church pastor and talk about it. Every generation has the issue of sex prior to marriage, even if people don't want to bring it up. Sure it sucks knowing that he had sex prior to you, but if you genuinely care and love him, than you need to get over it. What is done is done. You can not change that.
He is human, just like you and I am sure you have actions that you regret. He regrets that he had sex with random girls prior to you.

[Zebadee88]

Take a look out the window to a busy street. See all those people? 90% has sex without being married, probably more.

AND THE WORLD DIDN'T END!!!

[Kaaarinaaa]

Love thi comments

[Zebadee88]

@Kaaarinaaa Happy to help. Glad you didn't take offence.

[genericname85]

decide one way or another and then go with that decision. if you realize you can´t live with the one way, go the other way but don´t go back and forth between options in your head all the time.

[RationalMale]

Why not just break up with him and find a male virgin to date?

[GrumpyGoo]

Male virgins are rare lol.

[Cpl_c2]

fuck his brains out, that's my advice

[Jason7mge]

Welcome to the real world?

[justadude123]

holy shit... grow up, and stop holding it against him... aren't you a Christian? are you two both not sinners? Are all sins not equal in God's eyes? stop holding this against him and get over it.

[OjosOscuros2]

Lol @ grow up... she's under 18.

[justadude123]

oh yeah, I forgot... under 18, hey guys! if your under 18, you can continue to be a fucking idiot and people can't say shit!

[Blonde401]

😂😂😂 apparently being under 18 means you don't have to grow up!!

[OjosOscuros2]

@Blonde401 easier said than done. How many of you "grew up" at that age. It's not something that you can just turn off and on, it's a process.

[Blonde401]

@OjosOscuros2 plenty of people told me to grow up at that age. We all do stupid shit but when someone points out we're in the wrong we should accept that and try and change.

[sharkman221]

past is past honey. what matters is how your future will be

[clitgod]

well you must be a virgin and as soon as you pop that tight little sexy cherry you then well see sex trump's everything

[Anonymous]

Either replace him with someone else or convince yourself that there is nothing wrong with people having other partners before you. I would stop being with him as soon as I found out to be honest, but that's just me

[Anonymous]

Personally, you sound too immature to even be in a relationship. If your household is a strict as you say it is then I'm sure you have more important things to worry about than the fact you can't take your boyfriends virginity.